The Perfect Season

Double Deuce stated it perfectly, sports are not important. However sports do allow us to gain insights into human nature. The NFL season this year is no different.

The Patriots! The Dolphins! It’s on CBS!

Their continued quest for perfection, the delicacy and the ebbs and flows of human perception have been on display this season. For two straight weeks, the patriots were seen as vulnerable, their aura didn’t seem as infallible as it had all year. Then Patriots came out and defeated a powerful Steelers team and now they are seen as infallible again. The Dolphins similarly have appeared pretty hapless and have been comfortably seen as the seen as the worst franchise in football. However the Dolphins were favorites against the Jets late in the season. They subsequently lost and now are seen as locks to finish the perfect season.

The beauty in which Brady hit Jabber Gaffney in the end zone can be contrasted with irony of Cleo Lemon faking the handoff to the empty backfield (aka Danny). Perception has now become reality and the differences have been on the margins.

Expectations create reality as the Patriots are seen grimacing after 20 point blowouts. Similarly the Dolphins can be seen enjoying themseleves while in the midst of the “perfect” season.

Now, if sports aren’t so important why have I taken the time to blog about it? Sports don’t really matter unless you have a rooting interest and a few weeks ago during the Ravens game, I realize, I am a Patriots fan, something is extremely intriguing their quest. Randy Moss has always been one of my favorite players and I would also like to see the end of the ‘72 Dolphins reign. Life is always changing and I would love to write a new chapter in the history of sports. The Dolphins quest make it even sweeter as it puts direct focus on the Dolphins history.

Let the games begin

Sports: Saving the World one Kennel at a time

Lets get this out of the way right off the bat; sports are irrelevant. They don’t matter. Nothing about them matters. When you watch a pre-season game, the announcer of that game will continually jabber something along the lines of, “folks, the play has been a bit spotty today, but you can’t blame the competitors for their lack of motivation because these games don’t count yet.” Well, what does that mean? Aren’t all games, at their core, exhibitions? I mean, if Reggie Bush doesn’t get into the endzone again this Sunday, he’s not going to be executed. As much as die-hard fans want to believe it; football is not a life and death experience. This isn’t to say it’s not important—200 million sportsfans in 100 countries can’t all be wrong—because it is. But it’s definitely not substantial enough to deflect our gaze from things that are truly important; crime, education and the disenfranchisement of minorities to name a few things. Except that it does deflect our gaze. Apparently, Americans just aren’t multi-taskers. It would be impossible for us to enjoy sports and fix cultural and societal ills, so why even try?

All right, time to get down from my soapbox because I’m not purposefully writing an indictment of sport. Americans tend to deify athletes. We allow them to be paid too much while giving back nothing beyond entertainment. But this isn’t their fault, you know. There is another way to look at this. Sports aren’t of vital importance, and we can all agree on this. If we can all also agree that we place too much stock in teams that have nothing to do with ourselves beyond a shared tax base (and geographical proximity). Well, if we can all agree on all that garbage, saying sports aren't important, yet they retain this importance from so many of those same people then isn't it possible that sports actually are vitally important. Perception is reality, right. I mean, these people still care. Perhap, sports aren’t on par with food or water, but they’re close. Maybe sports are like the In-N-Out Burger of our diets. They aren’t necessary, but it’s no fun to live in a world without them. However, there’s much more to this analogy than simply saying, “It’s obvious, we like sports because they’re fun.” This is, most definitely, true. However, the same can be said about everything in life. Why do we love Casablanca? Because it’s a great movie, right? Is that the whole story though? Isn’t Casablanca a meditation on what the cost of doing the right thing is? What is the right thing anyways? And I know a lot of enjoyment can be sapped from things by intellectualizing them, but its one key to overcoming those people who would say we don’t need sporting ideals. It’s a way to say, “Hey, us pseudo-intellectuals love sports too.” These are the same intellectuals who decry teachers as the poor underpaid while neglecting to notice the sheer human excellence involved in the making of an athlete while glossing over the fact of the matter; way more people are qualified to be teachers than are qualified to be professional athletes.

Still, in the wake of tragedies like the Sean Taylor shooting I’m forced to wonder why we, as a society, place sports on such a pedestal. And this question quickly becomes even more elemental; why do I continue to place them on a pedestal? Like every thing that interests me, this argument comes back to me. But it’s the same for all of us. How do sports enrich your life? In my life, I tend to use sport as a prism through which I see the rest of the world. They allow me to create a worldview and they form my interactions with the world around me because almost everyone else has knowledge of sport to almost the same extent. This cannot be overstated. The fact that it allows me to see myself and to understand others is a reason for them to remain important. But there’s another even more important point to keep in mind. Sports are fun. They’re better than movies or theater because there is an objective winner, but they’re better than science because, played at their highest level, they are more art than science. Sometimes, an In-N-Out Burger is really a whole lot better than anything else.

A New Festure entitled "One Line at a Time"

“I thought we were through with all this,” I screamed in her direction, “But, honey, I guess we can never outrun our future. It’s always there, right in front of us.”

The woman peered at me for a second before finally saying, “You realize we’ve never met.”

Holiday Roustabout: F*&* &/or Yeah

You know, this is the time of year for merriment, giving, love and all-around happiness. I know this because I’m told by my television and radio announcers to have a “Happy Holiday.” Usually, this is the kind of herd mentality, mass marketing that would really grind my gears, especially because the ‘Niners are currently sporting a record of 3 and 8. But not this year; not this time. This time I’m going to push up my sleeves, wear something pastel in shade and pop my collar in honor of everything I’m happy about this holiday season.

I am eternally thankful that I know no less than two girls whom I call, “Heyyyyyy….you,” but that these girls continue to smile at me instead of pointing out the obvious and making me live down the mistake of constantly forgetting their names.

I could not be happier about watching a friend of mine sprain his ankle last night while leaving a bar. However, stay tuned for my after New year’s post entitled, “Karma Rubber Band Strikes Back,” or, “Karma’s a Bitch and its name is Matt.”

The return of the comedy has made me relatively happy this year. Seriously, if Knocked Up and Superbad coming out this year means that I don’t have to listen to American Pie 3 jokes about how wacky it is to get married anymore then Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow deserve every cent they earn over the next three or four millennia.

I’m ecstatic that laziness has taken the place of industriousness and is now a virtue, that Josh Smith is a monster fantasy basketball player and that white people are still decidedly bad dancers. It’s nice to know that while some things change; others never will.

Good Lord, I’m thankful for post-modernism. If you don’t really know what that term means then here’s a short definition. It means that instead of being creative and hard-working, I can just as easily be unimaginative and apathetic in writing this column because I’ve had the courage to point out the column's obvious flaws.

This holiday season has brought so much to so many. For example, for each person who reads this column a newborn angel will get its wings. However, when that angel flies over Africa, it will be shot by a poacher looking for condor, but do not despair each angel has the capacity to feed 12 starving African children and tastes great when cooked over an open flame. Save a life; read this article and don’t forget to thank your neighborhood poacher today.

Onto the Picks; as always Chigozie makes the picks and I write about them except when I decide he should. I don’t know; what do you want from me, huh? I’m at work. I’m just trying to write a fucking picks column, you know? Shit.

Atlanta +3 At St. Louis

It appears the NFL wants to fill American eyes with shit so that we don’t notice all the pig shit seeping into our river ways. What you didn’t hear about the pig shit problem? Well, didn’t the rash of manbearpigs roaming the countryside tip off the epidemic?

Buffalo +6 At Washington

The prevailing opinion is that The National Football organization has recently turned to garbage because of parity. I disagree; it’s always been mostly putrid except that now the putrid teams are on a revolving carousel of shittiness. This is still a bad thing; it makes it impossible for a young fan to identify with their team as either an asshat douchebag frontrunner who roots for a winner or a lovable idiot constantly rooting against his asshat overlords, hoping against hope that this is the year his shitty team breaks through. On a related note, I miss being a Forty-Niner fan in the ‘90’s.

Detroit +3.5 At Minnesota

Chigozie is an ignorant slut if he doesn’t realize the Lions have no business in this game. My prognosticators have informed me that Purple Jesus is ready to return from injury. I can tell you one thing, if he doesn’t rush for 200 yards or at least walk on water or cause a plague of locusts to be unleashed on the heathen Lions, I will have a crisis of confidence in my beliefs.


At Tennessee -3.5 Houston

Again, my chocolate friend is blinded my his mancrushes. The man has a ½ chub for Vince Young at all times. It’s actually really funny. If he’s doing the California Crotch Grind at a club and a girl mentions Vince Young, his boner actually grows. It’s science.

Jacksonville +6.5 At Indianapolis

This has all the makings of a game that could totally not suck. The NFL: Mediocrity at its most fannnnnn-tastic

NY Jets +1.5 At Miami

All right. I want you to think of all the things in your life that you suck at. Think of the things that you do on a regular basis that you just can’t stand. Now multiply that by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever, and you still will barely have a glimpse of how shitty the Dolphins are at their jobs.

At Kansas City +6 San Diego

The Chargers have a secret weapon in this game and his name is Ladainian Tomlinson. I know, I know; as gamblers we shouldn’t pin our hopes to unproven running backs whom no one has heard of this year, but seriously, I hear this guy is going to be good.

At Philadelphia -3 Seattle

Who cares?

At Carolina -3 San Francisco

Ugh. Watching the 49er’s these days is one level better than watching a train wreck when you’re on the train. I guess, I’m saying that it’s possibly the only thing shittier than quilting or going out to brunch with your girlfriends Cowboy loving parents.

At New Orleans -3.5 Tampa Bay

Perhaps if we told Reggie Bush that there was an endorsement in the endzone, he’d actually get there a few times.

Cincinnati +7 At Pittsburgh

The same goes for Fast Willie Parker. In fact an ode:

Willie Parker you are so fast
So why Willie Parker do you run out of gas
At the one yard line
Where it would be so fine
You must hate me; you are a horse’s ass.

Cleveland +1 At Arizona

The Cardinals only get one point against Horse Ball Anderson. What the fuck. That’s only like 17 points against the Patriots.

Denver -3.5 At Oakland

It’s really too bad that Horse Balls doesn’t play for the Broncos. That would be cool.

NY Giants -2 At Chicago

Betting on the Giants is like betting on a game of Russian Roulette in the Deer Hunter. You know you’re probably going to win a few times, but then at the end, Christopher Walken is going to get his head blown off while you cry into your hands. That was just me? No way.

New England -20 At Baltimore

After the close game last week, this line could be 74 and I’d halfway think the Patriots would cover it. They’re just that vindictive. But I can’t stay mad at them; I mean Boston’s a great town full of smart people who are always willing to give you directions on the best way to go fuck yourself. I mean, that’s true hospitality.

Corporate America II

If you missed the first installment of Corporate America you can find it here

Ernie had been working at B&B for a little while now. The work world was completely different than the educational confines that he had spent his whole life in. The social and expectation landscape was completely different than anything he ever experienced.

Sitting at his desk on another Monday morning Ernie was worn out from a weekend full of unsatisfying slaying. It was hard work to live up to his college nickname and being forced to slay every weekend for his friends in relationships who vicariously slayed through him. This weekend he had met up with a Puerto Rican stripper that he had met in a club……..

It was the first hour of the day, and Ernie figured that he would ease into the day, check out out the Wall Street Journal, Sherdog and Espn before he started his assignments for the week.

“Hello!” said Chris

“Damn”, Ernie thought.

Chris: “How was your weekend,” “Mine was great, I had a Kung Fu competition and I totally would have won but then I pulled a muscle in my lower back. The other black belts in Newark were lucky this week but they won’t be so lucky next time!”

Ernie: “It was alright, I just hung out”

Chris: “Jess, Jess, tell Ernie about how we almost hung out this weekend, but then your dog suddenly got sick we were totally going to do something super sweet!

Jess: “Uh yea, it totally would have”

Mark: “Hey Jess, too bad your dog got sick, I would have loved to hang out with you too. I was too busy Skydiving, you know I am certified instructor and if you ever want to go out, I’ll protect you.”

Jess: “Yeah, I guess so”

Mark was the deuche who was constantly trying to hit on Jess in the office even though it was apparent she wasn’t interested. Mark was slightly above average in a lot of things and therefore thought he was great. He would always try to one up Ernie even though he pretended to be his friend. Even more annoying Ernie actually liked Jess and wanted to settle down with her even though he would never admit his feelings to her out loud.

Why are all these people talking around my desk, Ernie thought. “I mean I am not really working but they don’t know that, I don’t really understand why people think its alright to huddle around my cube and start long winded conversations.

Oh to be Monday at B&B, this is going to be another long week.

NFL Roustabout: Roustabout Harder

It's a weird symptom that we, as Americans, are ensconced with. Wewant to cheer for winners, but are secretly happy when we witness failure. We stare at train wrecks, watch NASCAR because of the crashes and are glued to the screen during the Sopranos wondering if Tony really got whacked or not. We crave excellence but revel in its failure. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. This principle makes Steve Nash likable; it garnered Phil Mickelson legions of fans and untilthis year made Donavon McNabb seem sympathetic. In fact, in almost every case, it is easier to root for the underdog than to side with the Tigers or Federers of the world. Think about it; for every person we love to see succeed, there are 100 we want to see fail. For everyMichael Jordan there are people who have won their sport's ultimate prize who become immediately unlikable, for whatever reason. These are the Tim Duncans or Peyton Mannings or Kobe Bryants of the world. And they can't care about this, because it has nothing to do with them. It isn't their fault—well, except for Kobe; it is his fault. In truth, the reason we can't root for them has more to do with us than with them. It tells us that we only say we want to see winners,when in reality we want to see people have their dreams stripped away, and we want this because it humanizes them. We feel like, for once,they may feel exactly like we felt when our dreams were stripped away.

This is what makes it so hard to root for the Patriots; Tom Brady in particular. They've been to the top of the mountain and are only now reaching their potential. Do I want to see them fail? Honestly, I don't know. Is Tom Brady a Michael Jordan character or is he Tim Duncan? I can't decide.

There's an old, apocryphal story about Marilyn Monroe that Norman Mailer tells. He says that after Monroe signed her first big movie deal, she said, "Well, that's the last cock I ever eat." This is incredibly relevant this week because this is the only week of the year when no team in the league is going to eat the Patriots' collective cock, that is, unless the Patriots can figure out how to beat the bye week. I don't put anything by Tom Brady's sperm. But if the bye week is really the only way to musket-whip the Patriots, then why play the game? Why get up off the couch and work until your body gives out?

I can't help but think this is what every NFL player is going through this year. This is a scary thought and it is only indirectly related to the Patriots ransacking the league. They have not lost, and may not lose. For a professional athlete, who is not a member of the Patriots, and who has devoted an entire life to being the best player possible during his physical peak this can be an incredibly depressingnotion. You've given the sport your best years not to mention all of your mental and physical energies and after all of that; it turns outyou weren't good enough. Wouldn't it be much easier to just coast and to not work hard enough so that after the Patriots wax your team, you have a built in excuse? Obviously, it would be, but we don't root for the type of people who'd do this. We root for them to get back on the horse and try again and we do this because we know someone's got to eat the Patriot splooge and if that's your team this week, well that's okay; there's always next Sunday.

As always, Chigozie makes the picks, I make the dick jokes.

At Tennessee -4 Jacksonville

What’s the score of this game going to be? I’m guessing 13-7 or so. Did you know Vince Young has yet to throw for 200 yards in a game? I do.

At Kansas City -3 Denver

Good lord, what a shitty game.

Buffalo -3 At Miami

It’s like I’m going to have to go out into the world on Sunday. See, this is what people don’t understand. College Football Saturday is the day I go out with friends, get drunk in bars and, mostly, just have a great time. But football can serve another purpose. Football can make me forget that I am ridiculously hung-over. It nurses me through the time that I don’t want to even think about on Friday at work, but, you know, it can only do this if the games make me forget that feeling in the first place. Thanks a lot, NFL. (Mumbling) Fuckin Buffalo versus Miami. Fucking cockstain of a game.

Cleveland +9.5 At Pittsburgh

Chigozie called it a lock that the Browns would cover. I just hope his brown eye is puckered up because he’s about to get railed by the Big Motorcycle Crash himself.

At New Orleans -11.5 St. Louis

My analysis: Brees throws for 500 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Bush runs for 187 yards with 5 total touchdowns.
This needs to happen.

At Carolina -4 Atlanta

I would rather take out my contacts with sandpaper than watch this game.

At Washington -3 Philadelphia

Games like this help me to understand why people become gay. When games like this occur, they don’t have to watch. They can go shopping or hang out with girls or whatever else they do.

Minnesota At +6 Green Bay

The Purple Jesus is running into a brick wall known as Micah Favre. Sparks will fly and the heavens will open, and there will be no losers in this game, except the Vikings, who will, in fact, lose.

At Baltimore -4 Cincinnati

Fuck this.

At Oakland +3.5 Chicago “Getcha Roll On”

I don’t even know what Getcha roll on means. Often times Chigozie forgets that I am incredibly white. He said the word momma yesterday to signify to me that an older lady fancies him, and I just figured he was talking about this mother for about half the conversation. Honestly, I didn’t even question it until he mentioned going out, and hooking up and whatnot. Then it got a little weird, but I just sort of went with it.

Dallas -1 At NY Giants

A while ago, I wrote that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys because football is like Chess and having Bill Bellichick call plays against Wade Phillips was like having Garry Kasparov play chess against a seven year old autistic kid. Well, football is still like chess, and Tony Romo is about to make Eli Manning his queen.

Detroit +1 At Arizona

I don’t see how this game is only +1 to Detroit. I can’t foresee a single outcome in which Detroit doesn’t win by 17.

Indianapolis -3.5 At San Diego

In honor of Hubie Brown this will be written in only the second person: So, you’re Ladainian Tomlinson, and what are you thinking to yourself. You know you were on a great, great team last year and that your whole team is back. So, why are you a middling franchise this year? You know the coaching change has been rough but you can start to salvage the season with this game. You also know that Hubie is old and hungry so why don’t you get the old coach a sandwich? Thanks, Ladainian.

At Seattle -10 San Francisco

Seriously, they’re going to play this game on Monday Night. I shit you not. Tony Kornheiser is already thinking about ways to piss off fans right now as we speak.

Womanese!

Welcome to the World of Womanese!

What!

Womanese!

It’s no surprise that women speak another language. It’s also no surprise that most men do not speak or understand this language.

With this post, I will open you up to a whole new world.

Now, it’s time to break the language of Womanese!

For your reading pleasure, bold will be the woman, and normal text will be the translation. And italics will be for your host - JW.

I think of you as my brother!

or

You remind me of my brother!

I would consider sexual acts with you to be incest!

I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU.

When you get a chance…

Do this immediately or else!

Have you had the time to…

Stop whatever you are doing, and DO THIS RIGHT NOW!

Of course I don’t mind paying for myself!

You cheap bastard!

I’m not ready for a boyfriend right now...

I sure as heck don’t want to settle down with YOU!

I need more space

You are becoming undesirable and unattractive to me.

I’m trying to focus on my ‘career’ or ‘education’

Even though my training and studying are tedious and boring, I find them to be more exciting than you’ll ever be.

You wouldn’t understand!

I don’t even understand, but I’m not going to tell you.

Hell, we ALL don’t understand!

I like you, but…

I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL!

This is the kiss of death and if a woman ever says this to you, you walk away, don’t waste your time with girls that have low interest.

Let’s just give it some time….

You are not high on my rating list. You are a good backup if someone better doesn’t come along.

Let’s Just Be Friends

You will never see me naked. I’m not attracted to you.

Every guy has heard this at least once, or has been LJBFed!

I don’t want to ruin OUR friendship

I want you to remain my girly friend, someone I can use as my emotional tampon!

We need…

I want!

How about you give me YOUR number?

I’ll add it to my trophy collection of guy’s numbers – pathetic guys who want me but I don’t want them!

NEVER GIVE YOUR NUMBER to a girl unless you already have hers.

I’m NOT UPSET YOU JERK!!!

I’m upset!

She’s very upset!

Am I fat?

Please tell me I’m beautiful

We need to talk!

I need to complain about something irreverent!

Where is this going?

Are you my boyfriend? Or, are we getting married?

Watch out!

No

No

Maybe

No

Let me think about it

No

I feel like I have known you my entire life!

We have a winner! I won’t let this prize get away from me!

No

Yes

"Letgotosmokes" The League

I had meant to live blog for the “Letsgotosmokes” fantasy basketball league draft in which I am the commissioner. My trip to D-Town got in the way of that little project but I will perform a quick recap.

What motivated this recap? JW sending me taunting emails about my team, Double Deuce talking trash about his week one win and Jron lurking in the wings to make commentaries about his (probable) week 2 win. It’s all good ya’ll. I’m just playing a little rope-a-dope like my boy’s Ali and the Diesel. Yes the Diesel is playing rope-a-dope. He will continue to dominate and yes he will win another ship. But I don't need to defend him he stated it best, "I don't need earthlings' respect. When it's all said and done, my name will be there and it will be mentioned ... unless you earthlings try to erase it."

Problem I- Finding Internet

Somehow I managed to schedule the draft when I was supposed to be in D-Town. This was a bad idea, especially since JW does not have Internet, none of his friends have Internet and he did not access to his work computer on the weekends. To make a long story short, I ended up in Einstein’s Bagels with my laptop going strong till they kicked me out 30 mins before the draft. In a frantic rush the Corner Bakery free wireless connection ended up saving my butt.

Problem II- Not enough Players

Somehow our 12th player dropped out hours before the draft and you are not able to draft without even numbers. Luckily JW was next to me and I “forced” him to play. Discounting for slight technical difficulties like drafting two participants on the same computer, things were in line to work well.

The Outlook

I like to win, especially in fantasy. Jron and I had already completed a draft in another public league. This league will not be discussed on this blog except in passing but needless to say I will win that league. My competitive juices are flowing for the “Letsgotosmokes” league because I know the majority of the players personally and they are all my friends and LOVE to talk trash.

The Players

Noe “The Prolific”: Noe’s team is also known as team Heat as he tends to have an inordinate amount of Heat players even though they aren't a fantasy relevant team. I love them, can’t wait till they win their next ship but I wouldn’t draft any of their players except the one I got; Flash.

Double Deuce: His favorite player is Squirt Gun 47 nuff said.

Jron: His teams tend to be the fantasy version of the Mavericks, great regular season numbers, fizzle out in the playoffs not really a threat to the ultimate fantasy goal

JW: I forced him to play, he talks trash, I am sure I will constantly update the blog with his emails. Tends to like the Nugs, and knows absolutely nothing about basketball

Brek: He is a NBA fan but tends to like the Bruins more, too bad Kevin Love and Collison weren't in the draft.

Evan Obrien aka Emob Don’t know much about him, he is a friend of the Deuce’s tends to know his stuff. Can’t really remember much about his team.

Evan Price aka meatspin aka Vanilla Face: My mortal enemy hence the name. Vanilla Face you know I want you!

Cruz (not game): See EMOB’s comment and insert Prolific for Deuce

McRae: I liked his team, he tended to draft smartly. Unwisely turned down my initial trade offer and will be my biggest challenger to the title.

Benzo: Team Celtic! While I don’t think it is cool to war things other than pregnant women (not MOMMYs get it correct, pregnant women) and KG; I do not think the strategy will be the most effective in the long run.

R. Young: See EMOB’s comment

Chiggy: “The favorite” I got flack because the majority of my team is starting the season injured.

The draft
Needless to say I thought I drafted the best team. I was also impressed with the drafts of Benzo and McRae. Upon further review Jron might have got some gems late in the draft that I had not accounted for anyways I would handicap our league like this

Noe 5-1
Double Deuce 4-1
Jron 3-2
JW 15-1
Brek 7-1
Emob 6-1
Vanilla Face 3-1
Cruz 7-1
McRae 4-1
Benzo 3-1
R. Young 6-1
Chiggy 3-2

Updates will be provided throughout the season.

Currently Half my team is out Odom, Brand, Wade and I am in last place. But my mind right now can only think of the following joke:

(In the voice of a black football player) It’s the playoffs, Baby! It’s the playoffs, Baby! You win, You move on. You lose, you go home. That’s what the playoffs is about. Who doesn’t want to go home the most!

(Nerdy Black comedian) Well Sir, I am not too sure about that, What would happen in a football game between abused children and the Oakland raiders? I am pretty sure the abused children really don’t want to go home more than the Raiders. Do you think they could beat the Oakland Raiders?

That was very tangential, however I think my point was I don’t want to go home to most.

NBA PREVIEW PART III

Shaq’s 5th Title

Today was a terrible day. Espn ran multiple articles outlining the demise of the diesel. There is only one problem with that Shaq has one more title in him. I had mentioned in the fantasy article he is currently playing rope-a-dope. I believe this to be true. However I don’t believe this will be the year. I am planning on moving to the MIA next year to witness the next Heat championship. Ideally Shaq would win his finally championship in two years and retire on top. Why do I have such a strong belief that Shaq will win another championship? He has the heart of a champion and the champion know how. Wade is a premier player and they will focus on building a team around the two of them to prior to Shaq’s retirement.

The Roustabout: Next

Armageddon has many meanings. However, one of its meanings is most definitely not, “a game between two teams in Week 9 of a football season.” It’s already a bit preemptive to think that football could ever exhibit Armageddon-onical qualities, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that it could. Even in this world I’ve created Armageddon could not happen in the middle of the season. So, why am I even mentioning this, right? I mean, who has called this Patriots-Colts game Armageddon. The answer; every sportswriter in the football world. They’ve all over-inflated the importance of this game. I mean, it’s going to be a good game, but its still just a regular season contest, you know. There are a lot of reasons this game isn’t the end-time (one being that the Catholic Tom Brady has yet to turn into the anti-Christ), but I think the clearest reason is semantic.

So what does Armageddon mean, exactly.

Any mention of it in the Bible has to do with the place where the final battle between good (God) and evil (the anti-christ) occurs. In the parlance of our times, it means something a little different if still very similar; a decisive and catastrophic conflict. So, is this Sunday Armageddon? In the biblical sense, no? In the football sense, though? The answer is still no.

The winner of this game will play another game next week. The Patriots will have seven more games left and the Colts eight. That is, literally, contrary to decisive. Hell, both of these teams are universally seen as the class of the NFL. In all likelihood, they’ll be playing again in late January for the right to go onto the Super Bowl and demolish whoever the NFC decides to send to the slaughterhouse. Perhaps, in late January, when Tom Brady has been revealed as the anti-Christ and it is revealed that the only path to enlightenment is to trust in Peyton Manning, perhaps then we can talk a bit about Armageddon, but for now I’d like to live in ignorance of the end-time for a bit longer.

Onto the write-ups of the worthy games. As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and the write-up is mine. If I think that chocolate face is being a damn fool, you’ll know.

Washington -3.5 At NY Jets

Green Bay +2.5 At Kansas City

Did you know that Brett Favre loves football. There’s a lot of things that I didn’t know. Apparently every year he goes and speaks the gospel at the Wailing Wall. He’s a modern day Micah. This sis something to remember when rooting for this game. If Brady is the anti-christ; Favre has been telling us about him for years and all of us pagans just overlooked it.

At Tampa Bay -3.5 Arizona

At Tennessee -4 Carolina

At Atlanta -3 San Francisco

I cannot believe I’m going to write this, but San Francisco is going to win this game. How do I know this, you ask. Because I heard it on the radio. The Niners’ cornerback, Nate Clements, guaranteed a victory, and the Falcons just don’t have the gumption or know-how to make him a liar.

At New Orleans -3.5 Jacksonville

Don’t tell Chigozie, but we have Drew Brees starting on our team this week. I’m back on the Brees-wagon, and there’s still some space available.

On another note, I peruse wayyyyyyyyyyy too many fantasy football magazines. Did you know, that Brees’ footwork looked atrocious in the beginning of the season, but that now he looks much more comfortable in the pocket? Really, that’s true? I haven’t even seen him play yet this year, but I feel like I’ve watched every snap. Thank you free time.

At Detroit -3 Denver

Cincinnati PK At Buffalo

San Diego -7 At Minnesota

San Diego ran 40 plays last week and scored 35 points. That’s the sort of information, you need to know.

At Cleveland -1 Seattle

New England -5.5 At Indianapolis

The winning quarterback of this game is the Anti-Christ because Gregg Easterbrook said so. And I think the chances of me ever writing that sentence were about the same as me writing this sentence: Chigozie Amadi has relations with a supermodel.

At Oakland -3 Houston

Dallas -3 At Philadelphia

You know what, there are a lot of good games this week. In this one I see Donovan McNabb as a beautiful bird who will throw passes that fly away from the Cowboys. The only problem is that McNabb is a California Condor and the Cowboys are power lines. This game is not going to end well.

At Pittsburgh -9 Baltimore

Losers becoming winners in the 21st Century or Things Are Looking Up For Me

I wrote this in my younger and more formative years. It was the quicket thing I've ever written (I think it took me about 20 minutes), and I never even really gave it another look. It was originally published at elevationmag.com, but seeing as the best American sport is in the nascent stage of its current season, I thought it was an opportune time to put it on the web log.

When Did Losing Become Acceptable?

Guys; from the day that we understand random grunts in succession have meaning our fathers ingrain into our domes that we are meant to be virtuous. We are to pull chairs out for women, to pay for them, and to listen to them talk about shoes. We learn the difference between right and wrong, and good and bad. We are taught to win with grace and lose with dignity (And that losing sucks). In short, we are taught the meaning of nobility. A few years later we will forget all of it until (I presume; as I don’t, in fact, have a son) our own son is born and we teach him a bunch of things he’ll forget until (I presume) his son is born. Still, most rational people have a basic understanding of nobility and of its generally beneficial properties. My question is why do people seem more noble in defeat?

After Michael Jordan scored 63 in a losing effort, against the Celtics, Larry Bird said, “That was God disguised as Michael Jordan out there…”I guess, since the Celtics won, Larry Legend was implying that the 1986 Celtics could beat the all-powerful creator, but aside from that, Michael Jordan’s team LOST. Jordan is (perhaps) the greatest competitor to ever lace up a pair of sneakers and, obviously, the 63 points is not his iconic gift to the game, but it may be his most stunning singular feat. He scored 63 points against, maybe, the third best team ever assembled. (Definitely a top 5 pantheon team), and he lost the game. This brings me to another question: When did losing become acceptable? The thing is; I know it wasn’t acceptable to Jordan, but as time wears on it seems to have become acceptable to everyone else. Writers, pundits and fans remember it as one of the greatest games ever played in a losing effort. I’m sure Jordan sees it as a missed opportunity and a learning experience. Perhaps it was both but the question is; why do we care? I can’t answer the question, but I’d bet it relates to Clint Eastwood crying, metrosexuality and the continued marginalization of the All-American man.

To this day, when people (my dad) look back on Jordan’s 63 they always say it was one of the most amazing performances they have ever seen (It probably was). But his team still lost. Why is it that when a person leaves everything on the playing surface only to come up short, people suddenly martyr him? Did losing while scoring gobs of points actually enhance his legend? What if he had won? What would people say then? Would they have said Larry Legend and the Celtic 5 left it all out on the floor? Would the Celtics have then been sympathetic? More importantly, why does 63 points in a losing effort add to the lore and allure of Michael Jordan? I think something deeper is going on here. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. That’s why people, in their minds, are actually happy when professional golfers chunk a shot…or they nod knowingly—and say they knew it was going to happen—when Donavon McNabb loses another close playoff game. It humanizes a group of people who, for all intensive purposes, are inhuman. For most of us, going an entire round without a chunky shot is impossible and the way Donavon reads a defense is both beautiful and infuriating; it is inhuman. But the fact that he loses on the biggest stage and in the most spectacular ways possible (the fact that he chokes) that is something we can all relate to. We crave excellence but revel in its failure precisely because they are doing things we can only dream about. But maybe there’s something more to this because the thing is Michael Jordan is now a winner whereas Donavon McNabb is not.

Perhaps Jordan’s 63 only add to his lore because of what he went on to do with his career. Six World Titles later the 63 against the Celtics was a happy afterthought. It was one singular game where his greatness was more apparent than ever before. But this is counterfactual engineering. What if Jordan had never won a title (Also counterfactual engineering)? At the time of his post-season scoring record, he had not yet won one. Would his career then have been remembered similarly to that of Dominique Wilkins’? Maybe he would have just been remembered as a no holds-barred gunner forever.

The thing is, he did win six titles so we can remember the game fondly, but my question still remains; why do we look back fondly on a game in which the greatest basketball player ever played his best and couldn’t manage to win? I think there are two possible answers to this query. It could be that as we look back on his career and we ruminate over his legacy it becomes more and more apparent that, in his prime, he was not human. If he hadn’t retired the first time he may have won eight straight world titles, but the fact that at one point in history he had given it his all and it hadn’t been enough reminds everyone that failure is okay as long as through failure one reaches greater heights than before. I wish this was true, but I know that its not. In truth, it probably reminded people of their own failures (especially) in athletics, probably in high school, when they just hadn’t had enough or weren’t good enough to win. Perhaps this is what Jordan’s failure showed America. The greatest basketball player in the world played as well as he could. And he lost. It must be okay to lose. Actually it’s not, but it does almost make losing seem more noble.

Rockie Fan v Eagles Fan

Sitting in the Denver bowling ally this past weekend I had a flashback to PHILLY. Home of SMOKES! The World Series had just ended and Rockie fan (my friends) had a split second of disgust and disappointment in their eyes. It reminded me of being in the sports bar in Philly when the Eagles had just lost the Super bowl because McNasty had managed the clock like a five year old learning how to tell time.

I flash backed to a time when that disgust permeated the whole city and collectively leads to an extreme ruckus: Kicking trashcans, fighting (retarded) Pats Fan in pats gear; getting arrested; walking home. The look in Rockie fan’s eye reminded me of something I had grown to forget in the land of the angel, passion. But then it disappeared as quickly as it came and Rockie fan went on with their day. “It’s alright they said, we didn’t even expect to get to the World Series anyways. Maybe next year”

WHHHAAAT!! Maybe this reaction was confined to my location on the 16th Street Mall; I had to get closer to the stadium. But alas, I passed hordes and hordes of Rockies fan and they all had the same look in their eyes. Content, the team had given its all and has exceeded expectation. It wasn’t the end of the world or nothing; Rockie fan was going to sleep well that night.

The rest of the trip provided strict contrast to everywhere I had ever been. JW ranted on womanese (he promised the blog is coming). I once again succeeded in surviving the experience of Illegal Pete's, a dude bought me a drink on a plane and I discussed the return of my blog brother.

Life is good in Denver Colorado.

Update: I spent Halloween weekend in Denver and I had the best costume ever! I was "chocolate face". Apparently they had never seen anything like that before and I won the costume contest for the most originality. I thought my costume was ok, but I really like the slut costume that most of the girls had on. Too bad it wasn't that original! Basically almost every girl had it on. Even though I had a "costume" and I approve of the common slut costume (only for girls) I still think that anyone over eight who dresses up is a loser and you can't tell me otherwise.

NBA PREVIEW Part II

Big Ticket and Company (The Big Three)

Is there any other story in the NBA more exciting than this? A once proud franchise fell on hard times last year. A cache of young players tanking for a chance to play with Oden or Durant, and then they fell in the draft lottery. All was lost in Boston and then a ray of hope came on draft day. Allen was coming to team with Pierce. But the team was a mismatch of youth and experience and the prospects for the season still did not look good. Seeing enough promise for a championship, KG agreed to a trade to Boston and the Big Three was formed.

Stylistically these three players seem to mesh well, and we all know that they have the fire. What is going to stop them from winning the east and playing for the championship? The common answer, supporting cast. However I do not think this will be the case and I think they will roll through the The eastern conference playoffs. Final eastern projections will come in the subsequent weeks

Updates, the Big three have looked good. So far they are 3-0 and have looked rather dominant.

NBA PREVIEW Part I

Been slacking on the blog recently but I have a couple of post coming soon. Lucky for all of you, I am “that” guy and can whip out an NBA season preview in the matter of minutes. The NBA season is upon us suddenly and if you didn’t take time to prepare I can give you a quick update.

Top NBA Story lines (notice I didn’t say that I would choose 10, I think that is clichéd and it leads to writers and commentators reaching for additional story lines.)

K. O. B. E.

Let me throw this out there, Kobe WILL be traded. For who? For what? I think it is pretty obvious that Laker’s will not trade him within the conference unless they receive an offer they can not refuse (i.e. Amare and Nash for Kobe or Dirk and Josh Howard for Kobe). That brings us to the Eastern Conference. The team that has been garnering the most attention has been the Chicago Bulls (“Get a bulls jersey fellas”) and for good reason. It is one of the locations in which Kobe would approve a trade and also has the necessary cache of young talent and matching contracts. Well I can stop those thoughts right now that trade will not happen. First of all besides the fact that LA is not a Luol Deng city (insert Napoleon Dynamite “dang”). The two player’s that LA would need to get to approach fair value for Kobe, Deng and Ben Gordan have both refused 5 year $50 million dollar extensions within the last week. Why would the Laker’s trade for guys that they might not be able to keep? Also Chicago has a reluctance to include Deng in the deal which I for one am pretty confused by, Luol Deng or Kobe, Deng or Kobe. Tough Choice. I understand Deng has “TUP” and they are in love with his defense, “length” and “wingspan” but cmon. LA will not complete a trade with chicago with out Deng (insert Napoleon Dynamite “dang”).

If not Chicago then who? I didn’t think it could ever happen

The trade, Kobe to the pistons for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Jason Maxiel and 2 first round draft picks. Why this will work. Kobe is sent out of the western conference and they Lakers are able to obtain some solid value for Bryant and get some young pieces. Think what you will but that’s just the way I see it. Issue number two of the NBA season will be discussed tomorrow.

I choose the Undergrad Bathroom

Here's a random story about Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20;

So I was taking a piss in one of the two urinals in our bathroom. When I had come in, there was another dude taking a piss in the taller one so I went to the other one. I'm minding my own business when another dude comes up. So, naturally I look to my left. If I knew the guy I was prepared to give the little nod of acknowledgement. Well it turns out its Rob Thomas. So, I do a double take say, "How's it goin man," and go back to peeing.

He comes back with, "Dude, I'm happy you're using that urinal because you know what, I ain't hung down there, don't tell anyone." This is followed by about ten seconds of silence. It doesn't really say anything about me because there is a partition between the urinals, but geez, it just might be the single greatest reason to never talk while going to the bathroom, at least not to Rob Thomas.

As soon as Double Deuce recounted that story, I was immediately grateful that Thomas didn't pull a Craig on my good buddy. The public restroom is a dangerous place.

Slammin’ to the Oldies

Every day I wake up. This is not surprising.

So, I wake up, I get out of bed. I drag a comb across my head. Then I turn on my television. I’m not really sure why I do this.

I mean, I already know what I’m going to see in general terms. Why do I need to see the specifics before I even get to my car where I will, most likely, turn on the radio and listen to all the same news I saw on the television? I don’t know the answer to this question—even though I DO know that I DO need to know all this information. And why do I need to know this economic class porn? It’s simple; I need to know all about the rift between Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff because I’m worried about other people knowing this information and leaving me in the knowledge dust. There is nothing more frightening than being out of the loop conversationally. I guess this is why I watch the news in the morning. But it DEFINITELY doesn’t make it right.

Now, this attitude towards news isn’t exactly ground-breaking (or interesting) information, but it is relevant. There are two problems with the way news is relayed in a 24-hour cycle. The first is endemic, the other surreal. The first problem with a 24-hour news cycle is that it marginalizes important information. I mean, what constitutes news? Was the attack on the World Trade Center, in September of 2001, news? Well, of course it was. It was on Fox News. But what about Paris Hilton going to jail? Well, shit, that was on Fox News as well. So then, what constitutes news? From my—admittedly spotty—memory, these two occurrences ate up about the same amount of airtime, and who’s to say which story is more important to Americans? How do we know? Is it ratings? Because I’d bet Paris did better there. Is the only important news the sort that affects the greatest number of Americans? Because that was definitely 9/11. Now, obviously (probably), September 11^th was much more important, but that’s not really the point. The point is that the newscycle blurs the line between important information (like when the Fed lowers rates to improve a housing crisis threatening to plunge our economy into recession which would cause a loss of jobs and in conjunction a crazy drop in the marginal utility of Americans throughout this land) because it has to. Television is a results driven organization, in general, and in that idiom results means ratings. And real news does not drive ratings. It’s the same reason that newspapers are folding all over the place while rags like the New York Post continue to grow. News is not fun. News is depressing, and depressing does not sell. Paris Hilton is the new America; she is the literal amalgamation of the twenty-four hour newscycle and there is nothing anyone can do about this now. The problem isn’t that important things become less important, even though they do. The problem is that, in order to fill up one hell of a lot of programming, un-important things have to become life or death propositions on the air. It is the nature of the newscycle beast. Some things are important and are still important, but their relative importance is marginalized every time Nicole Richie’s weight, Kiefer Sutherland’s drinking habits or Tom Sizemore’s drug addiction is discussed on purported news stations (or even on Larry King).

There is an obvious disconnect here, namely I am decrying a system—in this case, the 24 hour newscycle—by talking about it, which is exactly how these stories get their legs in the first place. When I turn on the television in the morning, it’s not as if the talking heads of Matt Lauer or Meredith Vieira are cheerily espousing that inebriated driving is a good thing as long as it’s done by a movie star.

The problem isn’t what they feel about what they’re saying, it’s that they are saying it at all. They are creating the iconography of the story. It justifies MSNBC, Fox News, CNN and all the rest because now they can say, “Breaking News: Paris Hilton has sex as reported by NBC this morning,” and this is the danger to our culture in this new age. Our Godzilla is no longer a big green monster rampaging over cities, nor is it “real news” like terrorism. Our Godzilla in the new age is Paris Hilton becoming a star because she’s rich, it’s a society of young people realizing they have the power to create news using the internets. It’s the constant pull of having any and all information at our fingertips whenever we may need or want it and, in conjunction, program directors doing their best to sate our appetites. In this new world we’ve created the twenty-four hour news cycle; we’ve let Godzilla out of Pandora’s Box, and now we can only hope to minimize the destruction.

Links

Slightly depressed that the Sports Gal is out with a stomach, I couldn't motivate myself to post a full blog. Instead I decided to provide the readers of "Letsgotosmokes" with the links to some of my favorite videos.

As most of you know Noe is from Miami and is a huge fan of the U. As a request for Noe, I would love to see the U get together for an alumni weekend (Homecoming works too) and do a remix of this track. Imagine versus by Shockey (The Renegade), Kellen Winslow (the Receiver/ Warrior) and Warren Sapp!

JW is in the process of two special tasks. The first is to purchase my CU themed shirt, and the second is to post his first blog. Needless to say, you are all in for a treat.

You can have your soldja boy, Ill be getting my roll on.

A little lesson on gun safety

The "Letsgotosmokes" preparty battle cry

Dennis Green v Bears. Just a "Letsgotosmokes" classic.

The Roustabout

I touched on the problem with parity last week, but I’m going to decry it a bit more now. It makes each week of NFL games boring. Unless the Patriots are playing the Colts, what’s the point in watching? The games might be close or they might not be, but, really, who cares? They aren’t going to be fun to watch. That’s the reason we NEED dynasties. Dynasties give us games we know we NEED to watch instead of week after week of dreck. And sure, sometimes (by sometimes, I mean all of the time) there will be some awful games, between awful teams, but that already happens now except the line between the terrible teams and the good teams is blurred to the point that it is impossible to tell the difference. If you don’t believe me, then tell me what happened to New Orleans this year in their first four games. It’s easy to forget now, but that team was playing for the chance to go to the Super Bowl a mere nine months ago.

When dynasties become part of the equation, they set up clashes week in and week out. It gives us a reason to watch, so that when the 49ers do play the Cowboys or the Steelers do play the Dolphins, we can forecast the game the entire week before. We can play out every single one of the idiosyncrasies of the game in our mind, and when the game starts we can just watch in rapt attention to the game that transforms into something else; a game for the ages, more art than violence, each brushstroke holding the hopes and dreams of fans throughout the nation.

Fuck you, parity.

As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and I will agree with them or agree to disagree with his black ass. Today, I’m the busy bigot.

At Washington -8 Arizona

Who cares about this game besides a few people that live in the vicinity of these teams. O mean, seriously what are the ratings for this game going to be? -0.4 is my guess. Yes, that’s right, the mere fact that this game exists will actually cause people to turn off their television and go outside on Sunday, without even tuning into this channel. The karmic power of the world will be enough.

At New Orleans -8 Atlanta

I now have Reggie Bush on my fantasy team so my guess is the final score of this game will be: New Orleans 172 and Atlanta 4 with Bush scoring 12 touchdowns and having 2,004 all-purpose yards.

Baltimore -3 At Buffalo 35

Boring.

At Dallas -9.5 Minnesota

If you had to pick between two—objectively—equally hot women (or dudes) and the only caveat was that one was black and the other white, which would you choose? The answer will tell you a lot about which team you like more, the Vikings or the Cowboys.

New England -16.5 At Miami (NE is the pick of the week until they fail to cover)

Why even write about this. Dreamy McDreamerson and his merry men have yet to fail to cover. It’s pretty astounding actually.

San Francisco +9 At NY Giants

That chocolate face is dead wrong on this one. San Francisco doesn’t even play a quarterback this year. It’s a little known fact, but they actually just snap directly to the punter on first down to avoid all of the stress of snapping to a quarterback. It’s sad, really, really sad.

Tampa Bay +2 At Detroit

Eh.

At Houston +1.5 Tennessee

I mean, who gives a rat’s ass. I’ll watch this game, simply to avoid having to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, I guess.

Kansas City +3 At Oakland

I love Raider games in this city. It is absolutely incredible. You get on the freeway and all of a sudden, people who would normally be driving the roads in business suits and glasses have dressed up in leather and covered themselves in gallons of silver paint. It’s the most incredible transformation any person could ever hope to see.

NY Jets +6 At Cincinnati

Did you know Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis in a playoff game. No wonder, Marvin Lewis has lost this team.

Chicago +5.5 At Philadelphia

Chicago is awful. I really can’t say anything more about this game.

At Seattle -8.5 St. Louis 39.5

Seattle is awful, and they play in an awful division. Where this goes, I have no idea, but I can’t assume that Marc Bulger—who was playing poorly with his ribs broken—will be any better now that his ribs are still broken.

Pittsburgh -3.5 At Denver 39

Did you know that basketball guard—and former Laker and Supersonic—Sedall Threatt has 14 children, at least. That is incredible, no?

Indianapolis -3 At Jacksonville

The game of the week, and it will probably be a slugfest. Hooray.

Law School Lesson II

Off Law School Lesson I, I felt a bit tired and had no desire to share my Law School experience for awhile. However, an incident occurred today that I had to share with the world. This incident was followed by a short press conference outside the Fordham Law School Library attended by the local media, including yours truly. Sources tell me that the incident revolved around an innocent law school student who was told by a random DOUCHE that his talking on his mobile phone in a closed off (and nearly soundproof) stairwell inside the Fordham Library was ILLEGAL (he must be citing the Constitution or something).
Here is a small transcript of the press conference, followed by a video to a similar press conference:

Anybody tell you that I was talking on the phone in the stairwell, if, if, if, if a random law school douche say I talked on the phone in the stairwell then y’all hear it, then that’s that. I mean, I might have talked for about a minute. But if, if somebody say, “He talked on the phone in the library’s stairwell”, it can be one call, out of all the times I’m in the library this year. That’s enough.

(cut in news conference footage)

If I want to talk, I want to talk, man. If I don’t, I don’t. I mean, simple as that. It ain’t about that. I mean it’s, it’s not about that at all, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, but it’s, it’s, it’s easy to, to talk about, it’s easy to sum it up when you just talk about the fact that it was in the stairwell of the library. We sittin’ here, I supposed to be the franchise law student, and we in here talkin’ about talking in the stairwell. I mean, listen, we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library, not the library, not the library…we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library. Not a, not a, not the library where I go out there and, and study hard and read every case like it’s my last. Not the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell, man. I mean how silly is that? Man, we talkin’ about the stairwell. I know I’m supposed to be studying. I know I supposed to lead by example. I know that. And I’m not, I’m not shoving it aside, you know, like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But we talkin’ about the stairwell man. What are we talkin’ about? The Stairwell? We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell man. (laughter from members of the press) We tal…we talkin’ about the stairwell. We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell. We ain’t talkin’ about the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell man.

(now addressing one particular member of the press)

When you come in the library, and you see me study, you see me study don’t you? You see me give everything I got, right? Well, we talkin’ about talking on the stairwell right now. We talkin’ about the stairwell…Man, look, I hear you. I, it’s funny to me too. And I mean it’s strange, it’s strange to me too. But we talkin’ about the stairwell, man. We not even talkin’ about the library, or actual classes, which is what matters. We talkin’ about talking in the stairwell.

(inaudible question from member of the press)

How the hell can I pass the bar by not talking on the library stairwell?

Law School Lesson I

As some of you guys know, I, the "PROLIFIC" Noe, am a Law Student. I feel that I should give people that possibly might enter Law School some advice. For people that don't ever want to hear about Law School, you guys can gain some insight on what the fuck goes on in there (it is not orgies) and for current lawyers (I really hope this is none of you), you can reminisce about the good times of Law School. The first insight I want to give about Law School is that you have to find a proper place to study....wait....no, wrong.....people have to take a shit. I am in fucking school over 10-12 hours a fucking day and sometimes I have to take a shit and I actually feel that this might reach out to more readers.
At Fordham Law School, there are a series of bathrooms that I could use to take a crap.
1- Main Lobby
2- Basement
3- 2nd Floor
4- 3rd Floor
5- The one on the other side of the building closer to the undergrads.

There are various points that are important in choosing the bathroom where you would take a shit at a place that is not your home.
1- It must be somehow in the way of at least one place you go to a day.
2- It must have more than one toilet seat
3- The door must not be very close to a door where people often circulate.
4- Double doors are crucial
5- Make sure it is close to a place where you can safely leave your belongings.

In order, I will rank my favorite bathrooms to take a shit on at Fordham Law School
1- 3rd Floor- Meets all criteria, isolated but on the way to Criminal Law, plenty of stalls, semi-close to library and elevator (if you really have to go)
2- Basement- Again close to the library and to the main entrance (if you want to leave one before you go), however, it is very close to some Law Reviews and many people know, if you are in the Basement and you are not in a Law Review, you are there to shit.
3- 2nd Floor- It is conveniently close to class, however, if suffers from overcrowding.
4- Undergrad Bldg- It is a high volume area. It is also too close to the RIF RAF of undergrads. I am not sure why, but I just feel naked in that bathroom.
5- Lobby- The main reason is that it is the the fucking lobby. It has one STALL and some members of the First Year student body HAVE been known to harass people taking shits there (I will not mention any names).

I hope this breakdown will inspire some of you to Law School. This series will continue whenever my professors stop giving me so much shit to do.

NASCAR and Necks

The department of Homeland security wanted to study "public health issues at events involving mass gatherings." The event they chose, NASCAR. The loyal readers here at “Letsgotosmokes” know what I think of NASCAR, (left turns, necks, classy drivers and an incredibly fast growing sport). What you don’t know is what the department of homeland security thinks of NASCAR. A recent flap occurred when the department required their staff to receive immunization against Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria, and influenza prior to attending events in Concord, NC and Talledega, Alabama. Senator Robin Hayes took offense to the mandate and even went as far as saying, "I have never heard of immunizations for domestic travel, and as the representative for Concord, North Carolina, I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown."

I am not sure why this became such a huge issue, I believe such as the US America should remove the middle of the country from the continent such as the Iraq and Asian nations. If the middle of the country wasn't here NASCAR wouldn't be popular in the first place and this would be a non issue.

In addition the necks should realize if they cut off their mullets and got a new haircut no one would assume they were diseased.

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

In that moment before I fall asleep at night, every night (unless I’m drunk), I have to come up with a reason to wake up again in the morning. In that self-reflexive moment, I need a reason to face this cruel, cruel world for the 25,000th time. During the fall and winter months, the reason is easy. You see, during the summer, I can think of a beautiful day awaiting me or summer Fridays that make me pine for my youth. In the spring, the Sun is peeking out from behind winter’s cold glare, and early autumn, oh early autumn was given to us by God. The cool breeze off-setting a beautiful day is reason enough for even the most bereaved person to rise in the morning. But late fall and Winter. What help do they afford me? What type of oasis exists in the fog of unhappiness so often associated with this time of the year? For years, decades, centuries even eons man has asked himself this same thing, crying out to the heavens in an almost singular voice, “What do we have to live for?” For so many years, in the winter, there was no answer. And then there was football; a shiny beacon of hope on this North American continent where once there was nothing. Football gives me a reason to get out of bed, it gives me a reason to go to work and make money and it gives me a reason to talk to the people I normally despise. Football is the great American unifier. The game itself is a simple one. Throw, Catch, Run, Hit. And this makes us happy. It’s also incredibly complex, with its innumerable schemes and formations all disguised to make the offense and the defense equally confounded. And this makes us happy. Winter is a seemingly austere time that, on the surface, is easily decoded, but only when you peel away the layers of the onion do you see its true beauty. The same is true of football (except with way uglier onions). This is my ode to football, the reason I live for Sunday, but it is not written without trepidation. You see, I am worried. Oh, I know football will continue, but will it bring me along with it? Thirty years from now, will I still be just as happy to wake up in the morning during these winter months because of some game developed for children? The true answer is, “I don’t know,” and I have only one thing to blame: Parity.

Parity may be “good” for the game because any team, in any given year, can absolutely come out of nowhere to take the league by storm. This gives the great unwashed masses, the fans of historically terrible teams, hope, and it keeps them waking up in the winter months, but what about me. I am a card carrying fan of the San Francisco 49ers, a once-proud franchise that now scores in excess of 3.4 points per game. What do I have, except my memories of Steve Young (I’m too young to remember Joe Montana as anything but a Chief). I chose the 49ers at the peak of their dynasty not to exist as a front-runner, but because my father was and is a HUGE Cowboy fan. I have never been sadder than when the Cowboys beat the 49ers in back to back NFC championship games, and I have never been happier than when the 49ers beat the Cowboys the following year thus ending Dallas’ attempt at three straight Super Bowls. In fact, I doubt I will ever be that happy again. Some things can only happen when you’re young. But here’s the thing, while parity gives everyone a chance to win, it keeps all but the very smartest from being able to achieve any semblance of greatness (This wouldn’t be a problem in many areas of life, but this is football we’re talking about. These guys are one step up from basketball GM’s). And this frightens me. Without great dynasties, where are the great rivalries? How can we pick sides? I mean, I know that this week features a “clash of the un-beatens” as the Patriots and Cowboys square off. But who will the clash feature next year? The Cowboys could have one key injury on their offensive line and the whole season could come tumbling down. That’s the problem with parity, no one is immune, not even the Patriots.

Now, this could be construed as a random 49er fan begrudging the league because his team is incredibly terrible. But that is simply not true. I don’t really care whether the 49er’s are one of the next dynasties or not, I only care that there are dynasties, and that when they form, we can all pick sides when we wake up on Sunday morning.

Onto my singular pick of the week because the rest of the games are barely worth watching

Patriots -6 over Dallas

So, here it is, the only dynasty left in the NFL playing the Cowboys, a team with as many Super Bowls as my beloved 49er’s. The game features a Brett Favre redux quarterback (Tony Romo) playing the modern day equivalent of Johhny Unitas (Mr. Brady, I presume). You know, football has been called a chess game many, many times, and I feel like these teams have equally strong chess pieces. Here’s the problem. New England has Bill Bellichick controlling his pieces and the ‘Boys have Wade Phillips. It’s like Gary Kasparov is playing a seven year old not named Bobby Fischer.

Here are the rest (Rif Raf of the NFL) of Chiggy’s picks, followed by Noe's sentence deeply analyzing the matchup (spellcheck says this is not a word..but FUCK them, spellcheck is also not a word on spellcheck) at hand.

Cincinnati -3 At Kansas City
KC sucks...and it's not in Kansas....The Johnsons (ocho cinco and Rudi) have big games. Da Natti.

Houston +6.5 At Jacksonville
The Jacksonville D is not too bad. Texans don't have 'Dre J, plus Gerrard is on my fantasy team. Again, they should have picked Reggie Bush. Jacksonville

At Cleveland -4.5 Miami
Kellen "I'm a soldier" Winslow....Cleo Lemon...They guy's name is Cleo Lemon..Does anyone remember Mrs. Cleo Psychic Service? Cleveland

Minnesota +5 At Chicago
I can't use the same fucking rant each week. Bears

Philadelphia -3.5 At NY Jets
The New Jersey Bowl.....Eagles

St. Louis +9.5 At Baltimore
This would have been the greatest Offensive v. Defensive Game...like 5 years ago...Why be less when you can B-More?

Tennessee +3 At Tampa Bay; Money line pick of the week
I will not mess with the "Money line pick of the week". Titans.

Washington +3 Green Bay
If this was at Lambeau, it would be the Pack. I will keep this pick since it was the one that was written right after the "money line pick of the week". 'Skins

Carolina +5 At Arizona
Who is more fucked, Carolina (Vinny) or Miami (Cleo)? Have you read ESPN lately Chiggy? Cards

Oakland +10 At San Diego
What are you thinking Chigozie? LT has to fucking break it open. He will pass/run/catch/intercept/fumble recover for 10 TDs. Bolts

New Orleans +6.5 At Seattle
It sucks that Mack Strong retired...How awesome is the name . You know what used to be an awesome name, Drew Brees...and Reggie Bush...and Marques Colston...They will be cool again, I think. Los Santos.

NY Giants -3.5 At Atlanta
Another opportunity to make fun of Micheal Vick but I will pass it up to make fun of ESPN for scheduling this game months ago for MNF. The joke's on them... EVEN

John Hollinger's Kids Must Hate When He Does This to Them

Can you feel it? The NBA basketball season is right around the corner. Wait. You can’t feel it, you can’t smell the cool breeze and the dewy raindrops of Pac-Man Jones making it rain in that old nose of yours? You say we’re in the middle of the baseball playoffs, do you? The football season is getting to the point where the cream has risen to the top, you say? The NBA isn’t even on your radar screen? Well, fine, I get it. The problem with the NBA is the same as with all sports. The off-season has become more compelling than when the games are actually being played. This is dangerous for many reasons most of which are boring, but one of which scares me mightily, not just within the idiom of basketball, but within the idiom of all sports. Games, in general, and sports in particular are made for children and gamblers. Professional sports is threatening the very joy that our children should get from their athletic endeavors. That’s why from now on, I’m only betting on children’s athletics, specifically San Francisco city league basketball; the fourth grade division.

To this end, I’ve been scouting each team, figuring out the strengths and (more importantly) weaknesses of the Purple Lions, the Yellowjackets, the Green Dragons and my personal favorite for your next league champion, the Red Raiders. The most important thing to remember with each of these teams is that fun has taken on a new meaning for these kids; they’re fourth graders now, winning is fun. All that matters is that they decimate the other team and eat orange slices (or Fruit Roll Ups) at the end of each game. Without further ado, here’s the San Francisco fourth grade city league power poll.

4. Purple Lions (Last Season Record as the Wile E. Coyotes 1-7)

The Purple Lions had a rough go of it last year in the third grade division, and it appears that the reasons for their 1-7 record have not been remedied. Their coach, Ron Shandler, affirms that they were, are, and always will be a running team. In his words, “It worked just fine in the second grade division; last year was just a fluke.” However, my advance scout, Sammy Weinberg, has told me that in the second grade the team relied on Danny Sapper, who was known on the playground to play in the same game as fourth graders and win. Sammy informed me that Danny and his family moved three weeks before school started last year, and that was the reason for the slide.

Without Danny, the projections show the Lions to have been about a .500 team in the second grade, which puts last year’s record into more perspective. Furthermore, from what I’ve seen from playground action, this team just doesn’t have the firepower to compete in the loaded San Francisco division. They have no reliable ballhandlers though Ron points out, justly I might add, that Greggy Teryn has made great strides this year.

Finally, the team relies heavily on the outside shot, but has no reliable three-point shooter or rebounder to clean up the misses. The de facto center is Helmund Feris, a four foot three inch man-child who grew over 6 inches in the last year. Consequently, his body has not grown into itself and he is very clumsy.

Outlook: Not having a reliable ballhandler, shooter or big man is going to put this team at the mercy of trapping pressure applied by the other teams in the league as well as the Red Raiders’ vaunted beehive swarm. This team will over achieve if they can play .500 basketball.

3. The Green Dragons (Last Year’s Record as the Wrestling Weasels; 4-4)

This team made great strides last year starting with point guard, Johnny Williams’ improved shooting and ending with center Will Few, the kid his coach Russ Guy calls his “Little Charles Barkley” due to his large backside and stellar play under the boards. Beyond that, who can forget the Weasels’ scintillating run to the finals and Few’s improbable three-point heave to upset the Green Giants in the third grade championship game?

Outlook: While The Dragons played perfect basketball in their run to the finals, the projections are not treating them with the sort of respect you would expect from a past champion. My guess is that they may do better than the projection because this team knows how to win; something a projection cannot forecast. However, there are some obvious reasons that the projections see this team coming in third. First, the other two teams have both been outperforming the Dragons on the playground. Second, and probably more importantly, three of the members of the Dragons have seen themselves sprout at least four inches over the summer. While this bodes well for the fifth grade Dragons, it means that this year barring any gain in coordination, this will be a team plagued by poor footwork and turnovers.

2. The Yellow Jackets (Last Year’s Record as the Ink Blots; 5-3)

This team is comprised of the finest athletes in the entire division. They have somehow managed to stagger their growth spurts so the won-loss record has constantly been unaffected by the constant growing pains of players like little Hud Walton and Jasper Kellen. However, the team has also been through its fair share of scandal. Many people around Cesar Chavez Elementary have accused them of throwing their playoff game against the Wrestling Weasels for access to the teacher’s lounge. Further, they have been implicated in point shaving scandals for the right to trade lunch with whomever they choose since as early as the first grade.

Outlook: There is no doubt that this team has the most talent of any team in the division. The only questions are 1.) Can they hold themselves together amidst all of this scandal? 2) If they are innocent of the charges, then when will they stop underachieving and reach their potential?

1.The Red Raiders (Last Year’s Record as the Green Giants; 6-2)

The only question with this team is whether Chip Ollie and Eddie Billows can rebound from last year’s stunning defeat. This team was absolutely crushed when they lost to the Weasels, and from what I’ve been told by my informant, both players worked double time in the off-season and summer, even going so far as to put off Pop Warner Football for one more year in order to again reach the pinnacle of the city league. This bodes ill for the rest of the league because the team seemingly already had no weaknesses. They can score at will playing fast or playing slow. They can pound the ball inside to the four foot seven inch Chip, who has shown great footwork, hands and surprising agility in workouts (He even played shortstop during the spring baseball season). Or they can run Fast Eddie on the wing to receive a pass from the best outlet point guard in the league, Phil Best. Either way expect games with scores approaching 40.

Outlook: The Red Raiders is a team that has worked for this chance since the final whistle blew last fall. The team is hungry, focused, and is repeatedly besting fifth and sixth graders during lunch time. They have a singular purpose usually reserved for seventh graders and a supreme fear of failure. I really don’t see how any other team in this league can compete barring someone new moving into the area.

Richmond, VA, C.S.A.

MONA lives in the capital of the Confederate States of America, Richmond, VA. Visiting her this weekend, I wanted to investigate a few questions about this very odd nation, the Confederate States of America. Here are a few questions I inquired about that I still have no definite answer to:
1) Will the South rise Again?
2) Where is Hazzard County?
3) What the FUCK does 'American by birth, Southern by the Grace of God" even mean?
4) Jefferson Davis, what the fuck?
5) Why is Waffle House so good?
6) The accent...what is up with the accent?

I spent 3 days in the Capital of the Confederacy. This was definitely not enough time to answer these questions and I will continue in the quest for answers. However, I did begin to write down notes from what I gathered in these few days and here they are:

1) The White House of the Confederacy is fucking Gray. Not only is this stupid, but it just shows that the C.S.A. is a rip-off of the U.S.A.

2) Robert E. Lee was the greatest general EVER! He will fix Iraq, defeat Iran and peacefully unite Korea in 4 days.

3) Jefferson Davis sucked.

4) In 1865, after the fall of Richmond, President Lincoln went to the "White House of the Confederacy" and put his feet all over Jefferson Davis' former desk. This was a precursor to Rick James putting his feet all over Eddie Murphy's couch (Chappelle fans, please laugh at this).

5) A lady asked in the tour of the Confederate White House if a couple of original statues were African Art?
Why the FUCK would the Confederacy have African Art in their fucking White/Gray House?!?! They have fucking slaves, you dumb bitch!

6) Same lady then asks tour guide if the White/Gray House has spirits?
Yes lady, in the basement, lie an army of 300,000 Confederate Spirits ready to invade the North at a moment's notice.

7) The confederacy has 3 different national flags and one battle flag. The one we usually see is the battle flag. The other 3 have a very stupid story.
1. The first flag (The stars and bars), looked so much like the US flag. This caused confusion in battle because they are FUCKING STUPID.
2. The second flag was the battle flag on a corner while the rest was white. This also caused confusion because it looked like a surrender flag.
3. The third one is the same as the second one with a red stripe, so it wouldn't look like a surrender flag. Red Stripe. Hooray Beer!

8) It took 5o minutes to get 15 chicken wings while it took around 9 minutes for everybody else. They must have known I was a Yankee.

9) I loved the way Mona's friends said "New York City"

Like I said before, this does not answer any of my questions. However, if I had to put money on it, I think the SOUTH will NOT rise again.

Week 5 Picks

Double Deuce is in Vegas and should come back with tons of blogable material. As for now I will bless you all with my picks without the Deuce's commentary.

Panthers (+3) over Saints

CHIEFS (+2) over Jaguars

Lions (+3.5) over REDSKINS

Titans (-8) over Falcons

Dolphins (-5.5) over Texans

Steelers (-6) over Seahawks

PATRIOTS (-16.5) over Browns

Cardinals (-3.5) over RAMS

Jets (+3.5) over GIANTS

Colts (-9.5) over Bucs

Chargers (+1) over BRONCOS

Ravens (-3) over NINERS

Bears (+3) over Packers

Cowboys (-10) over BILLS

On another note, the Detroit scene theme party is only 5 months away!

Update
Week 6-8-0
Season 33-38-3

Chiggy v Chigozie

Seeing that Chiggy is on the ridiculous “You know people eat dogs” side of the argument, Chigozie has to run down this Roy Williams situation from the rationale part of view. “Letsgotosmokes” has decided to install a new segment to become a more diversified information source. This segment will be called Chiggy v Chigozie. Chiggy is very reactionary and emotional. He tends to side with Prima Donnas, Rock Stars and other boisterous figures. Chigozie on the other hand tends to look at information rationally and dissect information based on logical analysis.

Fact: The average salary for a server in America is $14,612.

Mr. Williams is slated to make $1.5MM this season. That equates to roughly $30,000 every week. Obviously Mr. Williams can’t afford to slip anyone a Washington for their service.

Fact: The average server would rather receive a Benjamin for their service than a kind word.

Mr. Williams tries to mitigate his cheapness by juxtaposing it with his kindness.

Fact: Bears eat beets. Bears, beets, Battlestar Galactica.

What?!? Whats going on here? This argument is WAY too obvious.

De-Troit...Foot-Ball!

I am glad I am not a NFL player. While all the "Letsgotosmokes" readers know that I would love to emulate Travis Henry; I have found another player who I can relate to. Roy Williams recently got in the press with the following quote:

"I am cheap, I’m a cheap date. Get you some McDonald's, and maybe you will get some cheese on it but that's it and I’m just really cheap, man. I’m very low key, I like to stay home. I like to go bowling on Monday nights and I go to the casino every once and awhile. Other than that, you won’t see Mr. Williams out at all."

This has shades of my gum comment to Robby Dodd.* And while Robby wont let me live it down, I will never make the headlines for stating the same principals. (Maybe this is because Big Roy conveyed his point more eloquently than i did. He made it seem like it was a privilege to get him to spend the extra 30 cents for cheese, that's just cold.)

"There’s no such thing as a tip. But I am really polite and I say ‘Thank you sir.’ … The pizza man knows, when he comes to my address, he’s coming for free."

I used to have conversations on these things, I have slightly different theories now but I just love the mental image of the pimple faced nerdy high schooler bringing the pizza to the Williams mansion and cursing his life because hes making $2 an hour bringing pizzas for free.

He then follows all of this up with a Red Lobster blast.

"I might just take her to the casino and get her a free buffet. If I did take a date out to a nice place, I’d take her to a nice place, like a Red Lobster or something. It wouldn’t be Morton’s or nothing like that."

Where is he finding a free buffet!?!?! When I go to Vegas I am pleased when I find a buffet for under $20. Maybe being an NFL Player DOES have some perks.

Now what did we learn from all of this? Roy Williams was exactly who we thought he was, and the boys here at "Letsgotosmokes" want to crown him so we will crown his ass and let him off the hook.

NFL Roustabout

Chiggy’s Picks; Doble Deuce’s round-up
Miami -4 vs. Oakland

Honestly, this game is too boring to write about. And I just realized that Chiggy took Miami. Seriously , what a tool. I live by only 9 rules in my life, but if there were a tenth, it would be, “Whenever the Dolphins are giving four, you go with the other team.” Mark my words, Oakland will cover.

Houston -3 at Atlanta

There’s not much to say about Atlanta. From what I hear they had a relatively quiet off-season punctuated by the exemplary emotional intelligence of their quarterback. The worst thing about this is that I love what Bobby Petrino does with offenses, but right now he has a classical pianist taking the snaps and if you don’t think I wrote that whole last sentence to include the word pianist, you don’t know me well enough.

Baltimore -4.5 at Cleveland

Seriously, there is nothing worse than a football game that is not worth watching. And this is going to be a suckfest not worth watching. So, instead of railing about the Browns being part of the Third Reich or something I’m going to talk about hangovers. So, I’m at work and I’m hung over. There isn’t much worse than this, except (I guess) that I’m being paid to be hungover. Anyways, we need to band together to stop hangovers and I think I have a solution because, obviously, I hate comedowns/hangovers. I also don’t really like how long drugs last. I want to feel the drug for a bit, but then have the symptoms go away. In light of this, I want to create a meta-drug. I’d take it and then all of a sudden I’d be all contemplative and despondent AND I’d be inexplicably hungry. Then half an hour later I’d come out of it but all of a sudden I’d be jittery and nervous and I’d think I was the coolest person in the room. Then after half an hour I’d just be sloppy drunk which would obviously segue into being hallucinogenic. Finally, at the end of it all the drug would have a comedown that consisted of a blow job or something. Honestly, who wouldn’t take this imagined concoction?

Det +3 vs. Chicago

Finally, we get to an interesting match-up. Is Chicago’s Defense actually overrated? Will the switch to Brian Griese pay dividends? Can God help the Lion’s to win, again? Does I can’t Believe it’s not Butter taste better than real butter? All these questions will be answered on Sunday, except the last one, and the answer to that one is, “No.”
Anyways, there are a lot of ways to look at this game. The Lions would love to turn it into a shootout and the Bears would like it to be played in the trenches. Alls I know is that Jon Kitna guaranteed a 10 win season and since he has God on his side, how can you bet against him? Oh yeah, because he’s Jon fuckin’ Kitna.

GB -2 at Minnesota

Time to channel some John Madden. Brett Favre loves football. That’s the one thing we know. He might throw a bunch of interceptions on Sunday or he could lead the Pack Attack to another victory extending his lead for career wins even further over John Elway, but no matter what happens one thing will stay the same. Brett Favre will still LOVE FOOTBALL. He plays the game with reckless abandon, and He LOVES FOOTBALL. I like to imagine Brett Favre’s (pronounced FOV-RE) coaches as cartoon characters and then when Brett makes an ill-advised throw that somehow threads the needle, we all see worry lines above the guy’s head, but that just me. I’m the guy that also spends my Sundays imagining Brett Favre LOVING FOOTBALL. Also, every time Brett Favre throws a touchdown an angel get its wings. However, every time he throws an interception a baby dies, so parents, you know, hold your babies tight because Brett Favre is a gunslinger who only cares about winning. Interceptions be damned. Brett Favre LOVES FOOTBALL.

STL +13 at Dallas

Again, Chiggy shows that his brains are made out of fuckjuice. Actually, I guess all of our brains are sort of made out of fuckjuice. That slight didn’t really work. Anyways, Dallas is going to win this game, and they’re going to win this game big. Marc Bulger has three cracked ribs because St. Louis recruited their offensive line from Mrs. May’s Del Obispo Elementary School fifth grade class, and Steven Jackson is out with a partially torn groin. Meanwhile, Tony Romo is spending his Havana days pulverizing opposing teams and his Havana Nights salsa-ing with starlets. Honestly, Tony Romo is so dreamy, an off-game for him is curing four cancer patients instead of five, saving 40 acres of rainforest instead of 41 and throwing seven touchdowns instead of, well, seven touchdowns. My guess on this game Vaqueros: 97 Rams: -7.

Buff +3.5 vs. NY Jets

Chiggy and I have a vested interest in this game. We have Lee Evans on our fantasy team, excuse me our “worst team ever” fantasy football team, and he’s gotten us a grand total of 31 yards. I hear you asking, “But why wouldn’t you just drop him and pick someone else up.” To you I say, “I’m a true believer.” And true believers don’t give up on marginal stars that easily. I’ve got Lee Evans on the brain and its going to take a lot more than three games to get him out. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, right now would be a good time to mention that I am not to be trusted with anything that has to do with prognostication. Both my fantasy baseball teams are in last place as is my fantasy football team, and I’m probably in last place in all of my pick’em leagues. In related news, my girlfriend broke up with me, I slit my wrists yesterday, it starts raining when I go outside and a car just sprayed water all over my new Armani suit as I typed this sentence.

TB +3 at Carolina

I’m a bit skeptical about this whole pirate renaissance that’s been going on over the last couple of years. I mean, I know Johnny Depp is incredibly dreamy, but, seriously, how long can it really last? Does it have the legs to get out of this weekend? I hope so because if gambling were legal, I’d have money on the Buccaneers on Sunday. This actually might mean I have what people in the business call a “gambling problem” (you know, if gambling were legal) because I don’t think I could actually name three members of the Buccaneers.

Seattle -2 at San Francisco

Loyal readers (actually reader, I believe her name is Anne) of Let’s go To Smoke’s know that the old Double Deuce lives in San Francisco. What they do not yet know is that he is an utter and complete homer. Even though, I don’t really believe San Francisco can win this game and even though metrics tell me they can’t win this game, and even though metrics are science and science is very rarely wrong, I’m still going with the 49er’s on this one, Chiggy be dmaned. I feel like I should be part of a revival of the old Da Bears skit from SNL.

Fat guy while eating an onion ring: “Who would win in a fistfight, Nolan or God.”
Double Deucer: “Does Nolan have a hand tied behind his back?”
Fat Guy: “Of course, like always.”
Doble Deuce: “Okay good, then Nolan in twelve, a real squeaker.”

Pitts -6 at Arizona

That chocolate face Chiggy said this is the easiest game of the week to call, and he’s probably right. However, I’ve been wooed by the awe-inspiring beauty of Matt Leinart, and I just can’t pick against the Cardinals. I mean, look at him, doesn’t he just make your heart melt?

KC +12 at San Diego

“San Diego can’t be that bad, they just can’t be.” I’ve told myself this for the last two weeks and each week I’ve been horribly, horribly wrong. No matter Ladainian Tomlinson can’t be stopped for three straight weeks so I’m laying the points for San Diego.

Indy -9.5 vs. Denver

I don’t know, this whole post is getting too long. Take Peyton, take Jay Cutler. What do I look like? A damn wizard. I’m just trying to make some picks dammit.

Phily -2.5 vs. The New York Football Giants

Kevin Curtis knows how hard it is to be a white wide receiver in a world where your kind just isn’t appreciated. Anyways, Eli Manning will probably be Eli Manning and Donovan McNabb will probably still be pissed off about having to give a little extra and I don’t really give a shit. The truth of the matter is that by this time on Sunday, I probably won’t be able to remember my name.

Actually at this point I’ve actually just had a thought. If the Iggles do not beat the spread I will allow an otter 14 minutes to try to bludgeon me to death. So if I have any otter readership out there, this may be your chance to really stick it to a member of the human species who has so thoughtlessly ruined your little world. Seriously, I might let the otter just do it anyway. I mean, if I had to be bludgeoned death by an animal, I can’t think of a cuter animal to do the deed than a sea otter. I think I might actually let him do it.

NE -7.5 at Cincinnati

Let’s see:
-The Patriots took down a 16 and a half point spread last week.
- They scored 38 points last week, and I’m pretty sure they’ll do at least the same again.
- Carson Palmer looks as if he does not have an upper lip when he smiles
- Tom Brady is dreamy.

All of this adds up to a Patriots victory though my advice is that if gambling were legal the over might be the best bet of the week. The Patriots might get it on their own actually.

Update
Week: 8-6-0
Season 27-30-3