The Roustabout

I touched on the problem with parity last week, but I’m going to decry it a bit more now. It makes each week of NFL games boring. Unless the Patriots are playing the Colts, what’s the point in watching? The games might be close or they might not be, but, really, who cares? They aren’t going to be fun to watch. That’s the reason we NEED dynasties. Dynasties give us games we know we NEED to watch instead of week after week of dreck. And sure, sometimes (by sometimes, I mean all of the time) there will be some awful games, between awful teams, but that already happens now except the line between the terrible teams and the good teams is blurred to the point that it is impossible to tell the difference. If you don’t believe me, then tell me what happened to New Orleans this year in their first four games. It’s easy to forget now, but that team was playing for the chance to go to the Super Bowl a mere nine months ago.

When dynasties become part of the equation, they set up clashes week in and week out. It gives us a reason to watch, so that when the 49ers do play the Cowboys or the Steelers do play the Dolphins, we can forecast the game the entire week before. We can play out every single one of the idiosyncrasies of the game in our mind, and when the game starts we can just watch in rapt attention to the game that transforms into something else; a game for the ages, more art than violence, each brushstroke holding the hopes and dreams of fans throughout the nation.

Fuck you, parity.

As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and I will agree with them or agree to disagree with his black ass. Today, I’m the busy bigot.

At Washington -8 Arizona

Who cares about this game besides a few people that live in the vicinity of these teams. O mean, seriously what are the ratings for this game going to be? -0.4 is my guess. Yes, that’s right, the mere fact that this game exists will actually cause people to turn off their television and go outside on Sunday, without even tuning into this channel. The karmic power of the world will be enough.

At New Orleans -8 Atlanta

I now have Reggie Bush on my fantasy team so my guess is the final score of this game will be: New Orleans 172 and Atlanta 4 with Bush scoring 12 touchdowns and having 2,004 all-purpose yards.

Baltimore -3 At Buffalo 35

Boring.

At Dallas -9.5 Minnesota

If you had to pick between two—objectively—equally hot women (or dudes) and the only caveat was that one was black and the other white, which would you choose? The answer will tell you a lot about which team you like more, the Vikings or the Cowboys.

New England -16.5 At Miami (NE is the pick of the week until they fail to cover)

Why even write about this. Dreamy McDreamerson and his merry men have yet to fail to cover. It’s pretty astounding actually.

San Francisco +9 At NY Giants

That chocolate face is dead wrong on this one. San Francisco doesn’t even play a quarterback this year. It’s a little known fact, but they actually just snap directly to the punter on first down to avoid all of the stress of snapping to a quarterback. It’s sad, really, really sad.

Tampa Bay +2 At Detroit

Eh.

At Houston +1.5 Tennessee

I mean, who gives a rat’s ass. I’ll watch this game, simply to avoid having to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, I guess.

Kansas City +3 At Oakland

I love Raider games in this city. It is absolutely incredible. You get on the freeway and all of a sudden, people who would normally be driving the roads in business suits and glasses have dressed up in leather and covered themselves in gallons of silver paint. It’s the most incredible transformation any person could ever hope to see.

NY Jets +6 At Cincinnati

Did you know Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis in a playoff game. No wonder, Marvin Lewis has lost this team.

Chicago +5.5 At Philadelphia

Chicago is awful. I really can’t say anything more about this game.

At Seattle -8.5 St. Louis 39.5

Seattle is awful, and they play in an awful division. Where this goes, I have no idea, but I can’t assume that Marc Bulger—who was playing poorly with his ribs broken—will be any better now that his ribs are still broken.

Pittsburgh -3.5 At Denver 39

Did you know that basketball guard—and former Laker and Supersonic—Sedall Threatt has 14 children, at least. That is incredible, no?

Indianapolis -3 At Jacksonville

The game of the week, and it will probably be a slugfest. Hooray.