District Deliberations: More Winners & Losers

Losers:

The Patriots – I know this is beating a dead horse, but this article from CNN today stated that they tried to patent the phrases “19-0” and “19-0 Perfect Season”. When asked for a comment, I said, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck New England!” bELIeve.

Jason Kidd – This poor guy has been trying to get out of New Jersey since he started beating his wife (coincidence?) and unfortunately, some scrub, Devean Green, had a clause in his contract that would allow him to block a trade if he didn’t like it. This dude exercised it, and now Kidd is stuck with the Nets. Sorry Jason.

Paris Hilton/Hottie and the Nottie – Paris Hilton’s movie was released this past week to rave reviews…Just kidding. Several sources have officially labeled this the worst movie ever. This is tough to do. Imagine all the Bio-domes, Farce of the Penguins, and Date Movies there are out there… and this tops them all. It grossed approximately 250$ per theater it was released in (roughly 30 spectators) and has been recently given the lowest possible rating on IMDB.com. It finished lower than “Car 54, Where Are You?” which had Rosie O’Donnell as the sexy wife (ugh). Also the co-star in this film is not that ugly (I also could have found a better picture, but hey sideboob, right?). Yet it looked like they beat her with leprocy, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t take that much effort to make the “hottie” attractive. But then hey, it’s Paris Hilton, she looks like Squidward, so fuck her.

Roger Clemens- The Rocket’s testimony before congress has been nothing short of entertaining at least. There have been a number of bizarre statements made by everyone testifying, but the best has been rodent-like Congressman Waxman telling Roger when its his turn to talk or not. Basically Roger is getting caught lying, and will face criminal charges for perjury after this is all over. Also, McNamee confessed to injecting Clemens’ wife. Sucks to be the Rocket.

Indiana- The IU basketball program has been under some heat recently following Coach Sampson’s recruiting controversy. This is a blow to the program that really hasn’t been good or interesting since Bobby Knight was there throwing chairs around. Indiana Congressman Dan Burton has been a big Roger Clemens supporter at his hearing this week, spawning a number of investigative articles about his reputation. Needless today, like many politicians, he kinda sucks. (this article has a nice laundry list) This is all in addition to the fact that the Colts got knocked out of the playoffs by Phillip Rivers, the Pacers suck, and Charlie Weis has shown how great Notre Dame really is with an unbelievably subpar season. Jim Gaffigan put it best when he said, "I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana...Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move." Also, what the fuck is a Hoosier? (Don’t answer, I don’t care)

Winners

John McCain – McCain swept the Potomac Primaries this week, giving him a hefty lead for the Republican nomination. Furthermore, Romney has thrown all his support behind McCain, for whatever reason, and it looks like he officially made it back from the depths uncertainty. Kudos.

Uno The Beagle – Uno is the first beagle ever to win the top prize at the Westminster Kennel Club. Other than this being news, who cares?

Obama- Barack also swept the Potomac Primaries this week, causing Hillary to freak out and fire some more of her staff. This puts him in the lead for the Democratic nomination. Big Unions are supporting him, and the country is starting to believe it when he says, “Yes We Can”, which is cool and all, but the music video blows. All he really has to do now is gain the support of the Superdelegates, and hope that Hillary hasn’t poisoned them already.

Eric Bana – This dude was the Hulk, Hector of Troy, and that badass in Munich, but nothing will shine like the fact that he got to fuck around with Scarlette Jo and Natalie Portman in The Other Boleyn Girl. This movie, which is also slated to be awesome (review done by me, being a history nerd) and will portray the time period mentioned in this year’s season of “The Tudors” and should follow until at least Anne’s beheading. I’m sure we can all say, “you lucky son of a bitch, Eric Bana”, in anticipation of this film’s release.

The Writer’s Union/America – Finally that Godforsaken strike is over. The writer’s union got a new deal though that gives them royalties from everything that is bought and sold on the internet with their name on it. Now we can stop watching reruns and I can see a new episode of “The Office”. Moreover, though pessimistic, we are at least getting something out of this season of shows, and that’s something to look forward to.

Another big winner this week... Anyone who got the SI Swimsuit Edition. Tori Praver is awesome... Shout Outs to our friends in Oulu, Finland, and Varna, Bulgaria.

Ba(ra)ck To the Future

- Okay, so I just saw this commercial for the “Short Birth Control Pill” and at the end, it said, “serious risks are associated with the pill including stroke, heart attack, diabetes….etc.” Now, in light of these risks is it really that important to have a period that lasts for one or two less days? I’m not a woman so (I guess) I wouldn’t really know, but honestly is death worth a shorter period when there are other pills on the market? I’m not sure, but I think I need to drink a beer. At least, it’ll probably make this pill look better.
- Juicy Fruit is a tasty gum.
- Pleasantly plump is definitely a better way of saying Reginald VelJohnson.
- I feel bad for the non-Matthew Perry writers in Studio 60.
- Recent developments in the Human Genome Project have changed my tune regarding evolution. I used to think that we were like 90 percent monkey, but now I know that I am 98.77 percent chimpanzee. It’s important to me that everyone knows this.
- My advice to you: Watch The Departed. Actually, that’s not really advice. If you don’t watch it soon, I will fight you.
- The Killers album is fantastic on one or two levels.
- Do Trekkies like the original Star Trek or Star Trek: The Next Generation more? I bet they like the original more and that’s why I could never be a Trekkie.
- It’s really weird, but I don’t think anyone in San Francisco even cares about the A’s
- Would there be any better fake, random killer to have after you than Jason. I mean, if he was chasing you would you ever jump in a car. He never goes any faster than a brisk walk. So, why would you ever jump in a car that is (obviously) not going to start?
- Kelly Kapowski or Valerie Malone? I don’t know if this is a question that can even be answered….and if you don’t know who those people are then you need to watch more shitty television.
- Does anyone ever believe that Jimmy Carter “I lusted in my heart thing?”
- A book to read: Infinite Jest, It’s really long and (I suppose) sprawling.
- Is Harvey Danger overrated or underrated(??) because I feel like it’s either one or the other.
- The key to winning drunken Monopoly is flipping over the board.
- It’s been said before, but Halloween is the perfect holiday. I mean, it’s got something for everyone. Little kids are happy because they get to subsist (solely) on candy for the next three weeks—or until all that’s left is candy corn (I hate candy corn) whichever comes first. Adults are ecstatic because they are expected to get drunk with no qualms whatsoever. It’s sort of the Halloween aesthetic really. Think about it; at Christmas adults get drunk, but you know they’re (sort of) thinking it’s wrong because they’re supposed to be concentrating on Jesus’ birth. Halloween doesn’t have that problem—probably because it’s a pagan holiday. O yeah, and I love it because it allows me the opportunity to do what I do four times a week anyway.
- I miss Mitch Hedberg
- A Pulitzer Prize winning book I read this week that others should probably read, but, you know, whatever: Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole- The new Black Keys album is stellar as is the new My Chemical Romance record. The new album by JET—Shine On—is kitschy.
- Again, listen to the Silversun Pickups and love them or I will fight you.
- Chuck Norris has a weekly column….I’m not going to link to it, but honestly I feel like people need to know this. Sadly, he has squashed the rumor that his tears cure cancer....And just like that, my faith in humanity is destroyed.
- I’ve often said that my reasoning for eating beef is that, “If a cow could, he would eat me, so I feel no remorse.” However, I’m not sure if this is entirely true. But I do know one thing, I will never stop eating chicken. Given the chance, those fuckers would eat me in a second.
- 1. Natalie Portman. 2. Scarlett Johansson. 3. Keira Knightley. Am I wrong?- Reasoning behind the rankings: 1. I guess the other two might actually be (objectively) better looking, but they seem a bit out of reach, you know. Natalie Portman seems like the absolute best looking—not to mention coolest—girl any man could ever hope to see in front of himself at the supermarket or wherever. She exists at the absolute edge of attainability (even though she isn’t). 2. Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous like Jayne Mansfield or Marilyn Monroe was. She’s curvy and all that jazz (even though this is only compared to other people in Hollywood) but she seems like a person that doesn’t really exist. I mean, I know she does exist, but you could never be in the same room as her, it would be impossible. Somehow, if you ever ended up in the same room, the fabric that holds existence together would implode and time would cease to exist. 3. Keira Knightley is very gorgeous.
- Where did the term “grassroots movement” come from?
- I heard this exact wordage in conversation before I got drunk last night; “I mean, its like President Bush is just so dumb and bumbling that we really have no chance in Iraq….(One minute later)….Obviously, the gas prices are dropping because Bush is trying to buy votes.” All right, now I’m pretty liberal—compared to everywhere except the city I live in—but this confuses me. How do the people in San Francisco live with logical inconsistencies such as this? So President Bush is too stupid to do anything and he has bumbled his way through his presidency, and he can’t even control something he has control over (our military presence in Iraq), but he’s got enough acumen to somehow affect an organization he has no control over (OPEC). I’m confused.
-Maybe this is me being xenophobic, but French People suck, and I'm out

District Deliberations: Primary and Roger Dodger Edition

Whoo Boy do we have something to discuss. I mean, with all that’s been going on the past two days, Clemens in Congress, the Potomac Primaries, et al, can you believe that the Beagle won the Dog Show?! My God!

Just kidding. Ok, in real news, Roger Clemens has been testifying before Congress the past two days, and (from experience) I know the hill has been just a zoo. The best part about this whole thing is that Congress has outright said that Clemens is lying to them (perhaps in an attempt to convince him not commit any more perjury than he already has). However, Clemens is continuing to testify that he never did anything wrong. This is unbelievable because Clemens will face jail time if convicted of lying to Congress, yet he’s maintaining his story despite the mountains of evidence placed against him. It takes a certain kind of person to be that forthright, whether or not he’s innocent. Also, this has been fun to watch because I rest assured that every time Congressman Waxman tells Roger to be quiet or stop talking out of turn, Clemens gets all red in the face, probably wanting to do this to him.

A homosexual man in Columbus, Ohio is claiming that he was harassed on New Year’s Day by Cleveland Browns' Quarterback, Brady Quinn. Police were involved, but no charges were pressed. I really don’t care that this is news because I feel like it is a poor attempt by Brady to gain a public advantage on Derek Anderson, who has gained popularity for simply knowing Sara-Jean Underwood (oh and making that Pro-Bowl jammy). In addition, having been to Ohio, I know that nothing excites a Ohio resident more than a hot naked chick than some good ole’ fashion gay bashing.

As for the Potomac Primaries…WOW. After firing her Campaign Manager, HillDog expected at least some return in the three primaries held yesterday. WRONG. 08ama swept the primaries handedly, including several demographics Hillary has depended on, namely Women, Latinos, and Blue-collar workers. This is huge because Hillary is starting to run out of options. The big 4 that are left are North Carolina, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Ohio, and if Hillary can’t muster enough support there, it’s over. This is also a shock because I feel, unlike Hillary’s campaign, 08ama has a few tricks up his sleeve yet (Edwards, and maybe even Gore). On the other side of the Campaign, McCain swept the Potomac too, but it was closer than he would have liked it to have been. This is due to the support of Evangelicals and Born-Again Christians to Huckabee’s cause, but who cares. It’s not like those people are going to vote for a female or a Negro anyways, I tells ya. Ron Paul wandered into the primaries continuing to trail behind people who aren’t running anymore, which led me to believe that Keebler needs to do a better job locking up their elves.

Presidential Predictions!

If Obama wins the nomination/gets Edwards as a running mate, there is our next president. However, if HillDog manages some kind of miracle comeback, which we’ve never seen before, she’ll still get stomped in the election because ¾ of the nation hates her. Let’s be serious, the only reason she’s tied with Obama is because half the Democrats like her. If she gets the nomination, look for that other half to go the way of the independent and vote for the moderate McCain. Just for the record, its not that America isn’t ready for a woman president, Hillary just isn’t that woman.

But, on the topic of women, and the SI Swimsuit Issue release, here's cover girl Marissa Miller, the only reason I have an iPod...

Sports News Weekend Roundup

This weekend was surprisingly violent in sports, especially hockey. The Rangers and Flyers beat the hell out of each other, with the Rangers finishing on top, and more importantly, nearly killed the referee. Florida Panther, Richard Zednik, is in stable condition today after a teammate, Olli Jokinen, slit his throat with a skate. This happens approximately once every 20 years, and is always horribly addictive to watch. I have to give a ton of credit to anyone who is an EMT at both respective arenas, in that they both did a great, quick, and efficient job on these guys, and we wish them a speedy recovery. So, thank God for those EMTs.

In some other remarkable displays of sportsmanship, Real Madrid beat Valladolid 7-0. Many say this is backlash because they lost last week. I think this is unnecessary. Brian McNamee, the trainer who is linked with all the Roger Clemens controversy, has admitted injecting Roger Clemens’ wife with HGH. This proves that if McNamee wasn’t lying about “injecting Clemens”, he should have at least been asked to clarify which one.

Now I know I have been critical of Tiki this past week, but thankfully I can say I jumped the gun way too soon. For it is because of Tiki’s ranting and raving and complaining that the Giants won the Super Bowl! If it wasn't for him, they never would have had the courage and ability to overcome his scathing remarks and find themselves as the champions they are. Wow, what a selfless act of heroism, Tiki. You inspired me to call home and tell my brothers to kill themselves for being losers. Surely now they will become Olympic champions and Wall Street moguls. You truly are a king among men. Finally, in the most awesome display of poor losermanship, and crybabyosity, fans of the New England Patriots have started a petition online to Roger Goodell to review the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl, claiming that the clock was severely mismanaged. Unfortunately for these naïve peoples, the clock was not mismanaged, the Giants had 3 time outs, and more importantly, there is no filter or limit to who or what anyone can write. Check the signatures for some good old fashion Pat hating. Smoke’s Girl was asked where her signature was, but declined to comment…post.

And for no good reason…Jessica Alba! Have a good day everyone and Shout Outs to our friends in Katowice, Poland; Carvin, France; and of course Philadelphia.