The Roustabout

I touched on the problem with parity last week, but I’m going to decry it a bit more now. It makes each week of NFL games boring. Unless the Patriots are playing the Colts, what’s the point in watching? The games might be close or they might not be, but, really, who cares? They aren’t going to be fun to watch. That’s the reason we NEED dynasties. Dynasties give us games we know we NEED to watch instead of week after week of dreck. And sure, sometimes (by sometimes, I mean all of the time) there will be some awful games, between awful teams, but that already happens now except the line between the terrible teams and the good teams is blurred to the point that it is impossible to tell the difference. If you don’t believe me, then tell me what happened to New Orleans this year in their first four games. It’s easy to forget now, but that team was playing for the chance to go to the Super Bowl a mere nine months ago.

When dynasties become part of the equation, they set up clashes week in and week out. It gives us a reason to watch, so that when the 49ers do play the Cowboys or the Steelers do play the Dolphins, we can forecast the game the entire week before. We can play out every single one of the idiosyncrasies of the game in our mind, and when the game starts we can just watch in rapt attention to the game that transforms into something else; a game for the ages, more art than violence, each brushstroke holding the hopes and dreams of fans throughout the nation.

Fuck you, parity.

As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and I will agree with them or agree to disagree with his black ass. Today, I’m the busy bigot.

At Washington -8 Arizona

Who cares about this game besides a few people that live in the vicinity of these teams. O mean, seriously what are the ratings for this game going to be? -0.4 is my guess. Yes, that’s right, the mere fact that this game exists will actually cause people to turn off their television and go outside on Sunday, without even tuning into this channel. The karmic power of the world will be enough.

At New Orleans -8 Atlanta

I now have Reggie Bush on my fantasy team so my guess is the final score of this game will be: New Orleans 172 and Atlanta 4 with Bush scoring 12 touchdowns and having 2,004 all-purpose yards.

Baltimore -3 At Buffalo 35

Boring.

At Dallas -9.5 Minnesota

If you had to pick between two—objectively—equally hot women (or dudes) and the only caveat was that one was black and the other white, which would you choose? The answer will tell you a lot about which team you like more, the Vikings or the Cowboys.

New England -16.5 At Miami (NE is the pick of the week until they fail to cover)

Why even write about this. Dreamy McDreamerson and his merry men have yet to fail to cover. It’s pretty astounding actually.

San Francisco +9 At NY Giants

That chocolate face is dead wrong on this one. San Francisco doesn’t even play a quarterback this year. It’s a little known fact, but they actually just snap directly to the punter on first down to avoid all of the stress of snapping to a quarterback. It’s sad, really, really sad.

Tampa Bay +2 At Detroit

Eh.

At Houston +1.5 Tennessee

I mean, who gives a rat’s ass. I’ll watch this game, simply to avoid having to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, I guess.

Kansas City +3 At Oakland

I love Raider games in this city. It is absolutely incredible. You get on the freeway and all of a sudden, people who would normally be driving the roads in business suits and glasses have dressed up in leather and covered themselves in gallons of silver paint. It’s the most incredible transformation any person could ever hope to see.

NY Jets +6 At Cincinnati

Did you know Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis in a playoff game. No wonder, Marvin Lewis has lost this team.

Chicago +5.5 At Philadelphia

Chicago is awful. I really can’t say anything more about this game.

At Seattle -8.5 St. Louis 39.5

Seattle is awful, and they play in an awful division. Where this goes, I have no idea, but I can’t assume that Marc Bulger—who was playing poorly with his ribs broken—will be any better now that his ribs are still broken.

Pittsburgh -3.5 At Denver 39

Did you know that basketball guard—and former Laker and Supersonic—Sedall Threatt has 14 children, at least. That is incredible, no?

Indianapolis -3 At Jacksonville

The game of the week, and it will probably be a slugfest. Hooray.

Law School Lesson II

Off Law School Lesson I, I felt a bit tired and had no desire to share my Law School experience for awhile. However, an incident occurred today that I had to share with the world. This incident was followed by a short press conference outside the Fordham Law School Library attended by the local media, including yours truly. Sources tell me that the incident revolved around an innocent law school student who was told by a random DOUCHE that his talking on his mobile phone in a closed off (and nearly soundproof) stairwell inside the Fordham Library was ILLEGAL (he must be citing the Constitution or something).
Here is a small transcript of the press conference, followed by a video to a similar press conference:

Anybody tell you that I was talking on the phone in the stairwell, if, if, if, if a random law school douche say I talked on the phone in the stairwell then y’all hear it, then that’s that. I mean, I might have talked for about a minute. But if, if somebody say, “He talked on the phone in the library’s stairwell”, it can be one call, out of all the times I’m in the library this year. That’s enough.

(cut in news conference footage)

If I want to talk, I want to talk, man. If I don’t, I don’t. I mean, simple as that. It ain’t about that. I mean it’s, it’s not about that at all, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, but it’s, it’s, it’s easy to, to talk about, it’s easy to sum it up when you just talk about the fact that it was in the stairwell of the library. We sittin’ here, I supposed to be the franchise law student, and we in here talkin’ about talking in the stairwell. I mean, listen, we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library, not the library, not the library…we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library. Not a, not a, not the library where I go out there and, and study hard and read every case like it’s my last. Not the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell, man. I mean how silly is that? Man, we talkin’ about the stairwell. I know I’m supposed to be studying. I know I supposed to lead by example. I know that. And I’m not, I’m not shoving it aside, you know, like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But we talkin’ about the stairwell man. What are we talkin’ about? The Stairwell? We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell man. (laughter from members of the press) We tal…we talkin’ about the stairwell. We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell. We ain’t talkin’ about the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell man.

(now addressing one particular member of the press)

When you come in the library, and you see me study, you see me study don’t you? You see me give everything I got, right? Well, we talkin’ about talking on the stairwell right now. We talkin’ about the stairwell…Man, look, I hear you. I, it’s funny to me too. And I mean it’s strange, it’s strange to me too. But we talkin’ about the stairwell, man. We not even talkin’ about the library, or actual classes, which is what matters. We talkin’ about talking in the stairwell.

(inaudible question from member of the press)

How the hell can I pass the bar by not talking on the library stairwell?

Law School Lesson I

As some of you guys know, I, the "PROLIFIC" Noe, am a Law Student. I feel that I should give people that possibly might enter Law School some advice. For people that don't ever want to hear about Law School, you guys can gain some insight on what the fuck goes on in there (it is not orgies) and for current lawyers (I really hope this is none of you), you can reminisce about the good times of Law School. The first insight I want to give about Law School is that you have to find a proper place to study....wait....no, wrong.....people have to take a shit. I am in fucking school over 10-12 hours a fucking day and sometimes I have to take a shit and I actually feel that this might reach out to more readers.
At Fordham Law School, there are a series of bathrooms that I could use to take a crap.
1- Main Lobby
2- Basement
3- 2nd Floor
4- 3rd Floor
5- The one on the other side of the building closer to the undergrads.

There are various points that are important in choosing the bathroom where you would take a shit at a place that is not your home.
1- It must be somehow in the way of at least one place you go to a day.
2- It must have more than one toilet seat
3- The door must not be very close to a door where people often circulate.
4- Double doors are crucial
5- Make sure it is close to a place where you can safely leave your belongings.

In order, I will rank my favorite bathrooms to take a shit on at Fordham Law School
1- 3rd Floor- Meets all criteria, isolated but on the way to Criminal Law, plenty of stalls, semi-close to library and elevator (if you really have to go)
2- Basement- Again close to the library and to the main entrance (if you want to leave one before you go), however, it is very close to some Law Reviews and many people know, if you are in the Basement and you are not in a Law Review, you are there to shit.
3- 2nd Floor- It is conveniently close to class, however, if suffers from overcrowding.
4- Undergrad Bldg- It is a high volume area. It is also too close to the RIF RAF of undergrads. I am not sure why, but I just feel naked in that bathroom.
5- Lobby- The main reason is that it is the the fucking lobby. It has one STALL and some members of the First Year student body HAVE been known to harass people taking shits there (I will not mention any names).

I hope this breakdown will inspire some of you to Law School. This series will continue whenever my professors stop giving me so much shit to do.