NFL Roustabout: Roustabout Harder

It's a weird symptom that we, as Americans, are ensconced with. Wewant to cheer for winners, but are secretly happy when we witness failure. We stare at train wrecks, watch NASCAR because of the crashes and are glued to the screen during the Sopranos wondering if Tony really got whacked or not. We crave excellence but revel in its failure. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. This principle makes Steve Nash likable; it garnered Phil Mickelson legions of fans and untilthis year made Donavon McNabb seem sympathetic. In fact, in almost every case, it is easier to root for the underdog than to side with the Tigers or Federers of the world. Think about it; for every person we love to see succeed, there are 100 we want to see fail. For everyMichael Jordan there are people who have won their sport's ultimate prize who become immediately unlikable, for whatever reason. These are the Tim Duncans or Peyton Mannings or Kobe Bryants of the world. And they can't care about this, because it has nothing to do with them. It isn't their fault—well, except for Kobe; it is his fault. In truth, the reason we can't root for them has more to do with us than with them. It tells us that we only say we want to see winners,when in reality we want to see people have their dreams stripped away, and we want this because it humanizes them. We feel like, for once,they may feel exactly like we felt when our dreams were stripped away.

This is what makes it so hard to root for the Patriots; Tom Brady in particular. They've been to the top of the mountain and are only now reaching their potential. Do I want to see them fail? Honestly, I don't know. Is Tom Brady a Michael Jordan character or is he Tim Duncan? I can't decide.

There's an old, apocryphal story about Marilyn Monroe that Norman Mailer tells. He says that after Monroe signed her first big movie deal, she said, "Well, that's the last cock I ever eat." This is incredibly relevant this week because this is the only week of the year when no team in the league is going to eat the Patriots' collective cock, that is, unless the Patriots can figure out how to beat the bye week. I don't put anything by Tom Brady's sperm. But if the bye week is really the only way to musket-whip the Patriots, then why play the game? Why get up off the couch and work until your body gives out?

I can't help but think this is what every NFL player is going through this year. This is a scary thought and it is only indirectly related to the Patriots ransacking the league. They have not lost, and may not lose. For a professional athlete, who is not a member of the Patriots, and who has devoted an entire life to being the best player possible during his physical peak this can be an incredibly depressingnotion. You've given the sport your best years not to mention all of your mental and physical energies and after all of that; it turns outyou weren't good enough. Wouldn't it be much easier to just coast and to not work hard enough so that after the Patriots wax your team, you have a built in excuse? Obviously, it would be, but we don't root for the type of people who'd do this. We root for them to get back on the horse and try again and we do this because we know someone's got to eat the Patriot splooge and if that's your team this week, well that's okay; there's always next Sunday.

As always, Chigozie makes the picks, I make the dick jokes.

At Tennessee -4 Jacksonville

What’s the score of this game going to be? I’m guessing 13-7 or so. Did you know Vince Young has yet to throw for 200 yards in a game? I do.

At Kansas City -3 Denver

Good lord, what a shitty game.

Buffalo -3 At Miami

It’s like I’m going to have to go out into the world on Sunday. See, this is what people don’t understand. College Football Saturday is the day I go out with friends, get drunk in bars and, mostly, just have a great time. But football can serve another purpose. Football can make me forget that I am ridiculously hung-over. It nurses me through the time that I don’t want to even think about on Friday at work, but, you know, it can only do this if the games make me forget that feeling in the first place. Thanks a lot, NFL. (Mumbling) Fuckin Buffalo versus Miami. Fucking cockstain of a game.

Cleveland +9.5 At Pittsburgh

Chigozie called it a lock that the Browns would cover. I just hope his brown eye is puckered up because he’s about to get railed by the Big Motorcycle Crash himself.

At New Orleans -11.5 St. Louis

My analysis: Brees throws for 500 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Bush runs for 187 yards with 5 total touchdowns.
This needs to happen.

At Carolina -4 Atlanta

I would rather take out my contacts with sandpaper than watch this game.

At Washington -3 Philadelphia

Games like this help me to understand why people become gay. When games like this occur, they don’t have to watch. They can go shopping or hang out with girls or whatever else they do.

Minnesota At +6 Green Bay

The Purple Jesus is running into a brick wall known as Micah Favre. Sparks will fly and the heavens will open, and there will be no losers in this game, except the Vikings, who will, in fact, lose.

At Baltimore -4 Cincinnati

Fuck this.

At Oakland +3.5 Chicago “Getcha Roll On”

I don’t even know what Getcha roll on means. Often times Chigozie forgets that I am incredibly white. He said the word momma yesterday to signify to me that an older lady fancies him, and I just figured he was talking about this mother for about half the conversation. Honestly, I didn’t even question it until he mentioned going out, and hooking up and whatnot. Then it got a little weird, but I just sort of went with it.

Dallas -1 At NY Giants

A while ago, I wrote that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys because football is like Chess and having Bill Bellichick call plays against Wade Phillips was like having Garry Kasparov play chess against a seven year old autistic kid. Well, football is still like chess, and Tony Romo is about to make Eli Manning his queen.

Detroit +1 At Arizona

I don’t see how this game is only +1 to Detroit. I can’t foresee a single outcome in which Detroit doesn’t win by 17.

Indianapolis -3.5 At San Diego

In honor of Hubie Brown this will be written in only the second person: So, you’re Ladainian Tomlinson, and what are you thinking to yourself. You know you were on a great, great team last year and that your whole team is back. So, why are you a middling franchise this year? You know the coaching change has been rough but you can start to salvage the season with this game. You also know that Hubie is old and hungry so why don’t you get the old coach a sandwich? Thanks, Ladainian.

At Seattle -10 San Francisco

Seriously, they’re going to play this game on Monday Night. I shit you not. Tony Kornheiser is already thinking about ways to piss off fans right now as we speak.