NFL Roustabout

Chiggy’s Picks; Doble Deuce’s round-up
Miami -4 vs. Oakland

Honestly, this game is too boring to write about. And I just realized that Chiggy took Miami. Seriously , what a tool. I live by only 9 rules in my life, but if there were a tenth, it would be, “Whenever the Dolphins are giving four, you go with the other team.” Mark my words, Oakland will cover.

Houston -3 at Atlanta

There’s not much to say about Atlanta. From what I hear they had a relatively quiet off-season punctuated by the exemplary emotional intelligence of their quarterback. The worst thing about this is that I love what Bobby Petrino does with offenses, but right now he has a classical pianist taking the snaps and if you don’t think I wrote that whole last sentence to include the word pianist, you don’t know me well enough.

Baltimore -4.5 at Cleveland

Seriously, there is nothing worse than a football game that is not worth watching. And this is going to be a suckfest not worth watching. So, instead of railing about the Browns being part of the Third Reich or something I’m going to talk about hangovers. So, I’m at work and I’m hung over. There isn’t much worse than this, except (I guess) that I’m being paid to be hungover. Anyways, we need to band together to stop hangovers and I think I have a solution because, obviously, I hate comedowns/hangovers. I also don’t really like how long drugs last. I want to feel the drug for a bit, but then have the symptoms go away. In light of this, I want to create a meta-drug. I’d take it and then all of a sudden I’d be all contemplative and despondent AND I’d be inexplicably hungry. Then half an hour later I’d come out of it but all of a sudden I’d be jittery and nervous and I’d think I was the coolest person in the room. Then after half an hour I’d just be sloppy drunk which would obviously segue into being hallucinogenic. Finally, at the end of it all the drug would have a comedown that consisted of a blow job or something. Honestly, who wouldn’t take this imagined concoction?

Det +3 vs. Chicago

Finally, we get to an interesting match-up. Is Chicago’s Defense actually overrated? Will the switch to Brian Griese pay dividends? Can God help the Lion’s to win, again? Does I can’t Believe it’s not Butter taste better than real butter? All these questions will be answered on Sunday, except the last one, and the answer to that one is, “No.”
Anyways, there are a lot of ways to look at this game. The Lions would love to turn it into a shootout and the Bears would like it to be played in the trenches. Alls I know is that Jon Kitna guaranteed a 10 win season and since he has God on his side, how can you bet against him? Oh yeah, because he’s Jon fuckin’ Kitna.

GB -2 at Minnesota

Time to channel some John Madden. Brett Favre loves football. That’s the one thing we know. He might throw a bunch of interceptions on Sunday or he could lead the Pack Attack to another victory extending his lead for career wins even further over John Elway, but no matter what happens one thing will stay the same. Brett Favre will still LOVE FOOTBALL. He plays the game with reckless abandon, and He LOVES FOOTBALL. I like to imagine Brett Favre’s (pronounced FOV-RE) coaches as cartoon characters and then when Brett makes an ill-advised throw that somehow threads the needle, we all see worry lines above the guy’s head, but that just me. I’m the guy that also spends my Sundays imagining Brett Favre LOVING FOOTBALL. Also, every time Brett Favre throws a touchdown an angel get its wings. However, every time he throws an interception a baby dies, so parents, you know, hold your babies tight because Brett Favre is a gunslinger who only cares about winning. Interceptions be damned. Brett Favre LOVES FOOTBALL.

STL +13 at Dallas

Again, Chiggy shows that his brains are made out of fuckjuice. Actually, I guess all of our brains are sort of made out of fuckjuice. That slight didn’t really work. Anyways, Dallas is going to win this game, and they’re going to win this game big. Marc Bulger has three cracked ribs because St. Louis recruited their offensive line from Mrs. May’s Del Obispo Elementary School fifth grade class, and Steven Jackson is out with a partially torn groin. Meanwhile, Tony Romo is spending his Havana days pulverizing opposing teams and his Havana Nights salsa-ing with starlets. Honestly, Tony Romo is so dreamy, an off-game for him is curing four cancer patients instead of five, saving 40 acres of rainforest instead of 41 and throwing seven touchdowns instead of, well, seven touchdowns. My guess on this game Vaqueros: 97 Rams: -7.

Buff +3.5 vs. NY Jets

Chiggy and I have a vested interest in this game. We have Lee Evans on our fantasy team, excuse me our “worst team ever” fantasy football team, and he’s gotten us a grand total of 31 yards. I hear you asking, “But why wouldn’t you just drop him and pick someone else up.” To you I say, “I’m a true believer.” And true believers don’t give up on marginal stars that easily. I’ve got Lee Evans on the brain and its going to take a lot more than three games to get him out. Also, in the interest of full disclosure, right now would be a good time to mention that I am not to be trusted with anything that has to do with prognostication. Both my fantasy baseball teams are in last place as is my fantasy football team, and I’m probably in last place in all of my pick’em leagues. In related news, my girlfriend broke up with me, I slit my wrists yesterday, it starts raining when I go outside and a car just sprayed water all over my new Armani suit as I typed this sentence.

TB +3 at Carolina

I’m a bit skeptical about this whole pirate renaissance that’s been going on over the last couple of years. I mean, I know Johnny Depp is incredibly dreamy, but, seriously, how long can it really last? Does it have the legs to get out of this weekend? I hope so because if gambling were legal, I’d have money on the Buccaneers on Sunday. This actually might mean I have what people in the business call a “gambling problem” (you know, if gambling were legal) because I don’t think I could actually name three members of the Buccaneers.

Seattle -2 at San Francisco

Loyal readers (actually reader, I believe her name is Anne) of Let’s go To Smoke’s know that the old Double Deuce lives in San Francisco. What they do not yet know is that he is an utter and complete homer. Even though, I don’t really believe San Francisco can win this game and even though metrics tell me they can’t win this game, and even though metrics are science and science is very rarely wrong, I’m still going with the 49er’s on this one, Chiggy be dmaned. I feel like I should be part of a revival of the old Da Bears skit from SNL.

Fat guy while eating an onion ring: “Who would win in a fistfight, Nolan or God.”
Double Deucer: “Does Nolan have a hand tied behind his back?”
Fat Guy: “Of course, like always.”
Doble Deuce: “Okay good, then Nolan in twelve, a real squeaker.”

Pitts -6 at Arizona

That chocolate face Chiggy said this is the easiest game of the week to call, and he’s probably right. However, I’ve been wooed by the awe-inspiring beauty of Matt Leinart, and I just can’t pick against the Cardinals. I mean, look at him, doesn’t he just make your heart melt?

KC +12 at San Diego

“San Diego can’t be that bad, they just can’t be.” I’ve told myself this for the last two weeks and each week I’ve been horribly, horribly wrong. No matter Ladainian Tomlinson can’t be stopped for three straight weeks so I’m laying the points for San Diego.

Indy -9.5 vs. Denver

I don’t know, this whole post is getting too long. Take Peyton, take Jay Cutler. What do I look like? A damn wizard. I’m just trying to make some picks dammit.

Phily -2.5 vs. The New York Football Giants

Kevin Curtis knows how hard it is to be a white wide receiver in a world where your kind just isn’t appreciated. Anyways, Eli Manning will probably be Eli Manning and Donovan McNabb will probably still be pissed off about having to give a little extra and I don’t really give a shit. The truth of the matter is that by this time on Sunday, I probably won’t be able to remember my name.

Actually at this point I’ve actually just had a thought. If the Iggles do not beat the spread I will allow an otter 14 minutes to try to bludgeon me to death. So if I have any otter readership out there, this may be your chance to really stick it to a member of the human species who has so thoughtlessly ruined your little world. Seriously, I might let the otter just do it anyway. I mean, if I had to be bludgeoned death by an animal, I can’t think of a cuter animal to do the deed than a sea otter. I think I might actually let him do it.

NE -7.5 at Cincinnati

Let’s see:
-The Patriots took down a 16 and a half point spread last week.
- They scored 38 points last week, and I’m pretty sure they’ll do at least the same again.
- Carson Palmer looks as if he does not have an upper lip when he smiles
- Tom Brady is dreamy.

All of this adds up to a Patriots victory though my advice is that if gambling were legal the over might be the best bet of the week. The Patriots might get it on their own actually.

Update
Week: 8-6-0
Season 27-30-3