Down Goes Federer Except Not

I’ve seen Michael Jordan pass a ball to John Paxson and Steve Kerr to win championships. I’ve also been witness to him draining a shot with 6.6 seconds left on the clock to douse any Jazz hope of a world championship. I’ve been party to watching Tom Brady operate in the 2008th year of our lord and I’ve seen each of his last minute drives to win Super Bowls. I’ve watched Tiger Woods go through stretches of near-invincibility on a golf course and I’m aware that Edwin Moses won about a million straight races, but I don’t know if I’ve ever been more aware of watching greatness than I was tonight while watching Roger Federer scrape and claw and wretch and scream his way through five tense sets before finally getting a key break in the fifth to oust some dude name Janko HJFKDJklfajkfs. You see, so often we overlook what true greatness is. We all understand that Jordan and Brady, Woods and Federer are the best there may ever be at their respective sports. We forget that they have to fight to win. I mean, they ‘re the best for a reason, you know. But sometimes, it’s important to rememeber that greatness is not defined by the amount of wins rather it is defined by how one wins.

Tim Floyd, the basketball coach at USC, says he loves basketball because when you watch basketball there is “nowhere to hide.” In football and baseball, a person can hide their emotions behind a helmet or under a hat, but in basketball they’re right there upfront and center. They’re on display for all to see. He said he loved it because you could really see what a person was made of. Did that player wilt under pressure? Well, the answer is written on their face; all you’d have to do is look.

Now, I understand that tennis is not all that popular in the U.S. It’s a given. We’re beholden to football, baseball and basketball. But it’s sad because that means most Americans didn’t care enough to look behind the veil tonight at Roger Federer. Andre Agassi once said he loved tennis because, “tennis is the only sport besides boxing where what you do as a player DIRECTLY influences what your opponent must do.” He went on to say, “and because I can’t take a punch.” But the gist is absolutely right. In every team sport, if you fail, there is someone to back you up, but in an individual endeavor there is no one else. You’re on an island. You can’t hide your emotions from the spectator because they’re upfront and center for all to see, and tonight that was not a bad thing.

Roger Federer was not perfect tonight. He missed more forehands in one match than I think I watched him miss in the last year combined. He looked mortal tonight. But that’s the thing about individual sports. It’s what makes them so cool. Watching Roger Federer at 2 in the morning on the West Coast, I’m reminded that greatness is not perfection rather it is overcoming imperfection.

Why Evangelicals and Mormons (uber religious types) shouldn't run for president.

Two days ago, Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee appeared on MSNBC and discussed how he wants to change the country. The most remarkable of his comments was,

“I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.”

So much for that whole concept of separating Church and State. If this wasn’t enough, a friend of mine brought up another Republican hopeful’s comments. Mitt Romney has made it clear that he would never have a Moslem in his cabinet because he could not find a position that a Moslem would be a good fit. What the fuck? We’re not matching square pegs and round holes here Mr. Romney. In case you didn’t notice, Moslems are people too, and while nobody is forcing you to put a Moslem in your cabinet, don’t be such a narrow-minded ass! Also, where does this pretty haired jackass get off labeling people of the most prominent religion on the planet as security threats (I will hit anyone who says 9-11, that’s like saying all Catholics are Papists) over his religion, which the jury’s still out on whether or not it’s a cult. I’m not trying to fight bigotry with bigotry here, but come on. I’ll give anyone the benefit of the doubt, but there are reasons why modern western nations try to have a separation of church and state. Moreover, I liked how Huckabee would originally use his faith as a moral code in which to follow. He did well with that. It showed he had a moral sense to him, but wasn’t going to let his hickey backwoods Baptist crap get take over. And then it did. I’m not advocating that everyone be secular humanists or deists here, but I feel like these guys have proven that they are far too skewed to be competent leaders. What happened to the JFK attitude of “I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the church does not speak for me.” You don’t need to be super religious to have a moral compass, fucking republicans. Also, fuck Tom Cruise.

Whats up Man United?

Ok so many of you probably won’t know this, but this summer, English football star Cristiano Ronaldo had a 5 hooker orgy party at his lavish home in England with teammates Nani and Anderson. This was Cristiano’s “welcome gift” to the two other teammates, and allegedly, he “felt tired and went to bed” without engaging the prostitutes. Not only did this mar the name of soccer’s pretty boy Cristiano, but it also started Manchester United down a dirty road of sexcapades that culiminated today with a new report. Moreover, at the Manchester United Christmas party, a scandalous event in which only the team’s players and the entertainment (no wives/girlfriends/other family are allowed to attend) there were flagrant accusations that one of the showgirls hired to entertain the team was raped. The team’s manager, Sir Alex Ferguson, who has strived to bring Man U to great heights, has cited this as one of the biggest disgraces the team has ever faced and threatened all parties involved. But just when you thought this wasn’t enough, this weekend, Cristiano, who seemed penitent for his prior behavior and skipped the Christmas party, was caught with an unnamed friend in Rome paying for another orgy. Keep in mind, this kid is a young rich baller type who has had some serious arm candy in the past. But for Manchester United, perhaps the world’s best known team, what the eff? These dudes can’t get laid any other way? This is the team that David Beckham started off with, and it’s not as if they can’t find girls to take care of them. It’s almost as if they just want to pay for hookers that look like trannys and get themselves into legal trouble with prostitution, solicitation, rape, and other sexual misconduct.

Joint: Defined…

Any section where two adjacent objects meet, especially bones.
EX: The elbow is a joint in your body. The door meets the frame at that joint.

Prison.
EX My cousin Eleftheropolous just got out of the joint for gyro smuggling.

Any place, usually of ill repute.
EX. I hear that joint over there is actually a crack house.

An open juncture on a bridge.
EX: CAUTION: open joints on bridge.

A marijuana cigarette.
EX. Pass that joint so that I might smoke it.

Unintelligible reference to meat. (note: only described in situations around 40^th St in Philadelphia)

EX: Customer: Let me get one’uh’dem chicken joints (pronounced “jawns”)
Clerk: Pardon?

Customer: You know, one’uh’dem chicken jawnts.

Clerk: Well, do you want a grilled chicken sandwich? Chicken nuggets? Chicken Caesar Salad?

Customer: Nah, one of them chicken joints. (points over to pizza)

Clerk: Buffalo Chicken Pizza? Barbeque Chicken Pizza?

Customer: Yeah, one’uh’dem.

Clerk: You want a Buffalo Chicken Pizza? Medium?

Customer: Mah man, yeah, one’uh’dem chicken jawnts.
"Hey you! Lemme get uh lamb jawnt."

Hockey: Why is it not a major sport in America anymore?

Hockey is not just for Canadians and other assorted Eastern/Former Soviet Bloc Europeans. That being said, I want to discuss several things that perplex me, especially with the new NHL.

Since the strike, the NHL, led by Gary Bettman, has actively tried to market the sport better. While I feel like Bettman has failed in certain regards (4on4 OT, not eliminating touch icing, less fighting, the RBK EDGE jersey system) many of the positives in the league right now are a result of his policies. The following is a list of positives and hopes for the NHL:

There is less parity in the league. Dynasties that could outspend smaller franchises in the 90’s have been eliminated. So this means that while teams like Detroit, Colorado, and the Rangers could all outspend smaller market teams like Winnipeg-Phoenix, Florida and St. Louis and usually crush them in the standings, the new salary cap now limits such egregious spending, meaning teams can only have so many high market players. (note: spending a lot of money had no effect on the Rangers' record in the late 90’s as they were awful). With the new league set up, while players might be underpaid in some respects, it creates an atmosphere that the NFL has patented in that on any given day, any team can beat any other team. This makes the sport more competitive and more interesting to follow. (note: Although again frustrating for NY Ranger fans as they have gone from the cellar to first and back again…seriously guys, get it together c'mon)

There is a youth movement in this league that hasn’t been seen in close to thirty years. Players like Dion Phaneuf, Niklas Backstrom and Patrick Kane are great, but mere footprints to the legacy that Alexander Ovechkin, Evgeni Malkin, and Sid “the kid” Crosby are already creating. Between Ovechkin, Malkin, and Crosby, there are already a number of postseason awards and more are definitely to come. They not only represent a new generation of hockey, but a new previously unseen talent level. Many are sure to have seen Ovechkin scoring from his back, or Crosby juggling the puck at this year’s Winter Classic. These are just a few examples of the great talent that this generation of hockey players exudes.

The advertising team at the NHL, I think, is doing a great job to make the NHL more marketable to younger people and niche crowds. A sold out stadium in Buffalo paid to see the Penguins play the Sabres an outdoor game. This was a great thing for hockey because many kids still get their start in the game outdoors on ponds and on outdoor uncovered rinks. Holding events like this gives the sport a pastime feel, and it portrays hockey as a vintage sport, that isn’t outdated and still has a following.

I think this sport should be getting more press in the states too because a lot of the young talent in the sport is…AMERICAN. The past two years, the top pick in the NHL draft has been an American player. While the US team struggled in the past Olympics, look forward to the next team being a new generation of American hockey, and a team that will possibly bring us gold in the next Winter games. In 2-3 years, I am hoping that America will readopt hockey as a member of the big4 in sports because of the resurgence of American talent. It will take a little while for these newly drafted players to really have an impact on their respective teams, however, and this could be a reason for the delay in populatirty.

Hockey players can be as marketable as other professional athletes; it’s just a matter of the cities in which they play viewing hockey as more than just a niche. Players like Jaromir Jagr, Henrik Lundqvist and Sean Avery have become familiar faces in NY. I think it is a mixed blessing too that hockey players are starting to infiltrate Hollywood. Mike Modano is married to Willa Ford (this chick that beat up now gay Backstreet Boy, Nick Carter) Sean Avery has been romantically linked to one of the Olsen twins and Elisha Cuthbert, and NY Islander Mike Comrie is engaged? to Hillary Duff. It may not mean much now, but it may draw a different crowd’s interest to the sport. (Note: I saw Lindsay Lohan at a Ranger game a few weeks ago...It was less spectacular than you'd think)

The new rules have changed the game to make it more interesting. Goalie Pads have limited sizes now; goal scoring is at an all-time high. There are no more ties, and the shootout, all of sports’ most exciting events, has been instilled as the tie breaker. Players have developed their own persona because of they way they handle their shootout technique. (here, here, and here) In addition, they have limited the areas where goaltenders can handle the puck to make the game flow more interesting, and the new rules dictate standards against obstruction and interference, which allows for faster players to have an advantage over the bigger goonier players that hockey players are stereotyped as.

The league has been receiving promotions and advertising from some of America’s largest sporting corporations. Nike has been one of the foremost in hockey equipment producers in the past decade. RBK has the official licensing for all the jerseys and a large portion of the equipment in the league. Crocs have become an official advertiser and merchandiser. Louisville, Warrior and Easton all have hockey products, yet are not generally associated with the sport. This seems weird to me because though it is a huge market for companies like Nike and RBK, you will never see any of them produce a commercial to be seen in the mass media. Nike will target runners and basketball players, and RBK will do the same. But what’s more amazing to me that these products remain at the top of their respective markets when there is virtually no major advertising done at all.

To diagnose the biggest problem with the game today, I will say that hockey is not more popular than it is because most of America has no idea who the players are. In addition, I think there is an overwhelming stereotype that hockey players just have ridiculous names. But to prove that hockey names are no more different than other popular recognizable names, I’ve developed a Hockey IQ test. In this test, I will compare two individuals side by side. Try to name which one is the hockey player. The other will be another famous person:

Vladamir Nabokov, Evgeni Nabokov
Sergei Fedorov, Anthony Fedorov
Vern Lundquist, Henrik Lundqvist
John Nordstrom, Matt Norstrom
Joe Juneau, Juno McGuff
Jaroslav Hasek, Dominik Hasek
Joe Francis, Ron Francis
Sam Neely, Cam Neely
Bobby Clarke, William Clark
Sidney Crosby, David Crosby
Dan Cloutier, T.J. Cloutier
Jim Carrey, Jim Caray
Darien Hatcher, Teri Hatcher
Marek Malik, Malik Yoba
Thom Yorke, Mike York

Answers: 1b- Evgeni plays for the Sharks, Vladamir wrote Lolita.

2a, Sergei plays for the Bluejackets and was engaged to Anna Kournikova, Anthony finished fourth in the 2006 American Idol competition

3b. Henrik plays goalie for the Rangers, Vern is a football commentator

4b Mattias Norstrom is a Dallas Star; John Nordstrom founded Nordstrom’s, the popular department store

5a Joey Juneau was a great player for the Boston Bruins and Washington Capitals. Juno McGuff is the title character from the hit movie, Juno

6b Dominik is currently on the Detroit Red Wings. Jaroslav was a Czech satirist famous for his affiliation with Franz Kafka

7b Ron Francis finally won a Stanley Cup with the Hurricanes. Joe Francis invented GirlsGoneWild

8b Cam Neely is a Boston Bruin’s hero and also starred as Seabass in Dumb&Dumber. Sam Neely is a country singer

9a Bobby Clarke is a Philadelphia Flyers hero and their current GM. William Clark helped map the country with Meriwether Lewis and Sacagawea.

10a Sidney Crosby is the best player in the league right now. David Crosby is an American folk singer

11a Dan Cloutier is a goalie with the LA Kings. TJ Cloutier is a regular on ESPNs World Series of Poker.

12b Jim Caray is the last American born player to win the Vezina Trophy for goaltender of the year. Jim Carrey was in such blockbusters as The Cable Guy, Me Myself & Irene, and Ace Ventura

13a Darien Hatcher was a Flyer and Dallas Star. Teri Hatcher is a Desperate Housewife

14a Marek Malik is seen making that sweet through the legs shootout goal. Malik Yoba was on NY Undercover and Arrested Development, and is in no way related to hockey.

15b Mike York is a Phoenix Coyote. Thom is the lead singer of Radiohead.

Lets be serious. This is why we watch hockey.