The Roustabout: Next

Armageddon has many meanings. However, one of its meanings is most definitely not, “a game between two teams in Week 9 of a football season.” It’s already a bit preemptive to think that football could ever exhibit Armageddon-onical qualities, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that it could. Even in this world I’ve created Armageddon could not happen in the middle of the season. So, why am I even mentioning this, right? I mean, who has called this Patriots-Colts game Armageddon. The answer; every sportswriter in the football world. They’ve all over-inflated the importance of this game. I mean, it’s going to be a good game, but its still just a regular season contest, you know. There are a lot of reasons this game isn’t the end-time (one being that the Catholic Tom Brady has yet to turn into the anti-Christ), but I think the clearest reason is semantic.

So what does Armageddon mean, exactly.

Any mention of it in the Bible has to do with the place where the final battle between good (God) and evil (the anti-christ) occurs. In the parlance of our times, it means something a little different if still very similar; a decisive and catastrophic conflict. So, is this Sunday Armageddon? In the biblical sense, no? In the football sense, though? The answer is still no.

The winner of this game will play another game next week. The Patriots will have seven more games left and the Colts eight. That is, literally, contrary to decisive. Hell, both of these teams are universally seen as the class of the NFL. In all likelihood, they’ll be playing again in late January for the right to go onto the Super Bowl and demolish whoever the NFC decides to send to the slaughterhouse. Perhaps, in late January, when Tom Brady has been revealed as the anti-Christ and it is revealed that the only path to enlightenment is to trust in Peyton Manning, perhaps then we can talk a bit about Armageddon, but for now I’d like to live in ignorance of the end-time for a bit longer.

Onto the write-ups of the worthy games. As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and the write-up is mine. If I think that chocolate face is being a damn fool, you’ll know.

Washington -3.5 At NY Jets

Green Bay +2.5 At Kansas City

Did you know that Brett Favre loves football. There’s a lot of things that I didn’t know. Apparently every year he goes and speaks the gospel at the Wailing Wall. He’s a modern day Micah. This sis something to remember when rooting for this game. If Brady is the anti-christ; Favre has been telling us about him for years and all of us pagans just overlooked it.

At Tampa Bay -3.5 Arizona

At Tennessee -4 Carolina

At Atlanta -3 San Francisco

I cannot believe I’m going to write this, but San Francisco is going to win this game. How do I know this, you ask. Because I heard it on the radio. The Niners’ cornerback, Nate Clements, guaranteed a victory, and the Falcons just don’t have the gumption or know-how to make him a liar.

At New Orleans -3.5 Jacksonville

Don’t tell Chigozie, but we have Drew Brees starting on our team this week. I’m back on the Brees-wagon, and there’s still some space available.

On another note, I peruse wayyyyyyyyyyy too many fantasy football magazines. Did you know, that Brees’ footwork looked atrocious in the beginning of the season, but that now he looks much more comfortable in the pocket? Really, that’s true? I haven’t even seen him play yet this year, but I feel like I’ve watched every snap. Thank you free time.

At Detroit -3 Denver

Cincinnati PK At Buffalo

San Diego -7 At Minnesota

San Diego ran 40 plays last week and scored 35 points. That’s the sort of information, you need to know.

At Cleveland -1 Seattle

New England -5.5 At Indianapolis

The winning quarterback of this game is the Anti-Christ because Gregg Easterbrook said so. And I think the chances of me ever writing that sentence were about the same as me writing this sentence: Chigozie Amadi has relations with a supermodel.

At Oakland -3 Houston

Dallas -3 At Philadelphia

You know what, there are a lot of good games this week. In this one I see Donovan McNabb as a beautiful bird who will throw passes that fly away from the Cowboys. The only problem is that McNabb is a California Condor and the Cowboys are power lines. This game is not going to end well.

At Pittsburgh -9 Baltimore