John Hollinger's Kids Must Hate When He Does This to Them

Can you feel it? The NBA basketball season is right around the corner. Wait. You can’t feel it, you can’t smell the cool breeze and the dewy raindrops of Pac-Man Jones making it rain in that old nose of yours? You say we’re in the middle of the baseball playoffs, do you? The football season is getting to the point where the cream has risen to the top, you say? The NBA isn’t even on your radar screen? Well, fine, I get it. The problem with the NBA is the same as with all sports. The off-season has become more compelling than when the games are actually being played. This is dangerous for many reasons most of which are boring, but one of which scares me mightily, not just within the idiom of basketball, but within the idiom of all sports. Games, in general, and sports in particular are made for children and gamblers. Professional sports is threatening the very joy that our children should get from their athletic endeavors. That’s why from now on, I’m only betting on children’s athletics, specifically San Francisco city league basketball; the fourth grade division.

To this end, I’ve been scouting each team, figuring out the strengths and (more importantly) weaknesses of the Purple Lions, the Yellowjackets, the Green Dragons and my personal favorite for your next league champion, the Red Raiders. The most important thing to remember with each of these teams is that fun has taken on a new meaning for these kids; they’re fourth graders now, winning is fun. All that matters is that they decimate the other team and eat orange slices (or Fruit Roll Ups) at the end of each game. Without further ado, here’s the San Francisco fourth grade city league power poll.

4. Purple Lions (Last Season Record as the Wile E. Coyotes 1-7)

The Purple Lions had a rough go of it last year in the third grade division, and it appears that the reasons for their 1-7 record have not been remedied. Their coach, Ron Shandler, affirms that they were, are, and always will be a running team. In his words, “It worked just fine in the second grade division; last year was just a fluke.” However, my advance scout, Sammy Weinberg, has told me that in the second grade the team relied on Danny Sapper, who was known on the playground to play in the same game as fourth graders and win. Sammy informed me that Danny and his family moved three weeks before school started last year, and that was the reason for the slide.

Without Danny, the projections show the Lions to have been about a .500 team in the second grade, which puts last year’s record into more perspective. Furthermore, from what I’ve seen from playground action, this team just doesn’t have the firepower to compete in the loaded San Francisco division. They have no reliable ballhandlers though Ron points out, justly I might add, that Greggy Teryn has made great strides this year.

Finally, the team relies heavily on the outside shot, but has no reliable three-point shooter or rebounder to clean up the misses. The de facto center is Helmund Feris, a four foot three inch man-child who grew over 6 inches in the last year. Consequently, his body has not grown into itself and he is very clumsy.

Outlook: Not having a reliable ballhandler, shooter or big man is going to put this team at the mercy of trapping pressure applied by the other teams in the league as well as the Red Raiders’ vaunted beehive swarm. This team will over achieve if they can play .500 basketball.

3. The Green Dragons (Last Year’s Record as the Wrestling Weasels; 4-4)

This team made great strides last year starting with point guard, Johnny Williams’ improved shooting and ending with center Will Few, the kid his coach Russ Guy calls his “Little Charles Barkley” due to his large backside and stellar play under the boards. Beyond that, who can forget the Weasels’ scintillating run to the finals and Few’s improbable three-point heave to upset the Green Giants in the third grade championship game?

Outlook: While The Dragons played perfect basketball in their run to the finals, the projections are not treating them with the sort of respect you would expect from a past champion. My guess is that they may do better than the projection because this team knows how to win; something a projection cannot forecast. However, there are some obvious reasons that the projections see this team coming in third. First, the other two teams have both been outperforming the Dragons on the playground. Second, and probably more importantly, three of the members of the Dragons have seen themselves sprout at least four inches over the summer. While this bodes well for the fifth grade Dragons, it means that this year barring any gain in coordination, this will be a team plagued by poor footwork and turnovers.

2. The Yellow Jackets (Last Year’s Record as the Ink Blots; 5-3)

This team is comprised of the finest athletes in the entire division. They have somehow managed to stagger their growth spurts so the won-loss record has constantly been unaffected by the constant growing pains of players like little Hud Walton and Jasper Kellen. However, the team has also been through its fair share of scandal. Many people around Cesar Chavez Elementary have accused them of throwing their playoff game against the Wrestling Weasels for access to the teacher’s lounge. Further, they have been implicated in point shaving scandals for the right to trade lunch with whomever they choose since as early as the first grade.

Outlook: There is no doubt that this team has the most talent of any team in the division. The only questions are 1.) Can they hold themselves together amidst all of this scandal? 2) If they are innocent of the charges, then when will they stop underachieving and reach their potential?

1.The Red Raiders (Last Year’s Record as the Green Giants; 6-2)

The only question with this team is whether Chip Ollie and Eddie Billows can rebound from last year’s stunning defeat. This team was absolutely crushed when they lost to the Weasels, and from what I’ve been told by my informant, both players worked double time in the off-season and summer, even going so far as to put off Pop Warner Football for one more year in order to again reach the pinnacle of the city league. This bodes ill for the rest of the league because the team seemingly already had no weaknesses. They can score at will playing fast or playing slow. They can pound the ball inside to the four foot seven inch Chip, who has shown great footwork, hands and surprising agility in workouts (He even played shortstop during the spring baseball season). Or they can run Fast Eddie on the wing to receive a pass from the best outlet point guard in the league, Phil Best. Either way expect games with scores approaching 40.

Outlook: The Red Raiders is a team that has worked for this chance since the final whistle blew last fall. The team is hungry, focused, and is repeatedly besting fifth and sixth graders during lunch time. They have a singular purpose usually reserved for seventh graders and a supreme fear of failure. I really don’t see how any other team in this league can compete barring someone new moving into the area.