NFL Roustabout: Roustabout Harder

It's a weird symptom that we, as Americans, are ensconced with. Wewant to cheer for winners, but are secretly happy when we witness failure. We stare at train wrecks, watch NASCAR because of the crashes and are glued to the screen during the Sopranos wondering if Tony really got whacked or not. We crave excellence but revel in its failure. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. This principle makes Steve Nash likable; it garnered Phil Mickelson legions of fans and untilthis year made Donavon McNabb seem sympathetic. In fact, in almost every case, it is easier to root for the underdog than to side with the Tigers or Federers of the world. Think about it; for every person we love to see succeed, there are 100 we want to see fail. For everyMichael Jordan there are people who have won their sport's ultimate prize who become immediately unlikable, for whatever reason. These are the Tim Duncans or Peyton Mannings or Kobe Bryants of the world. And they can't care about this, because it has nothing to do with them. It isn't their fault—well, except for Kobe; it is his fault. In truth, the reason we can't root for them has more to do with us than with them. It tells us that we only say we want to see winners,when in reality we want to see people have their dreams stripped away, and we want this because it humanizes them. We feel like, for once,they may feel exactly like we felt when our dreams were stripped away.

This is what makes it so hard to root for the Patriots; Tom Brady in particular. They've been to the top of the mountain and are only now reaching their potential. Do I want to see them fail? Honestly, I don't know. Is Tom Brady a Michael Jordan character or is he Tim Duncan? I can't decide.

There's an old, apocryphal story about Marilyn Monroe that Norman Mailer tells. He says that after Monroe signed her first big movie deal, she said, "Well, that's the last cock I ever eat." This is incredibly relevant this week because this is the only week of the year when no team in the league is going to eat the Patriots' collective cock, that is, unless the Patriots can figure out how to beat the bye week. I don't put anything by Tom Brady's sperm. But if the bye week is really the only way to musket-whip the Patriots, then why play the game? Why get up off the couch and work until your body gives out?

I can't help but think this is what every NFL player is going through this year. This is a scary thought and it is only indirectly related to the Patriots ransacking the league. They have not lost, and may not lose. For a professional athlete, who is not a member of the Patriots, and who has devoted an entire life to being the best player possible during his physical peak this can be an incredibly depressingnotion. You've given the sport your best years not to mention all of your mental and physical energies and after all of that; it turns outyou weren't good enough. Wouldn't it be much easier to just coast and to not work hard enough so that after the Patriots wax your team, you have a built in excuse? Obviously, it would be, but we don't root for the type of people who'd do this. We root for them to get back on the horse and try again and we do this because we know someone's got to eat the Patriot splooge and if that's your team this week, well that's okay; there's always next Sunday.

As always, Chigozie makes the picks, I make the dick jokes.

At Tennessee -4 Jacksonville

What’s the score of this game going to be? I’m guessing 13-7 or so. Did you know Vince Young has yet to throw for 200 yards in a game? I do.

At Kansas City -3 Denver

Good lord, what a shitty game.

Buffalo -3 At Miami

It’s like I’m going to have to go out into the world on Sunday. See, this is what people don’t understand. College Football Saturday is the day I go out with friends, get drunk in bars and, mostly, just have a great time. But football can serve another purpose. Football can make me forget that I am ridiculously hung-over. It nurses me through the time that I don’t want to even think about on Friday at work, but, you know, it can only do this if the games make me forget that feeling in the first place. Thanks a lot, NFL. (Mumbling) Fuckin Buffalo versus Miami. Fucking cockstain of a game.

Cleveland +9.5 At Pittsburgh

Chigozie called it a lock that the Browns would cover. I just hope his brown eye is puckered up because he’s about to get railed by the Big Motorcycle Crash himself.

At New Orleans -11.5 St. Louis

My analysis: Brees throws for 500 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Bush runs for 187 yards with 5 total touchdowns.
This needs to happen.

At Carolina -4 Atlanta

I would rather take out my contacts with sandpaper than watch this game.

At Washington -3 Philadelphia

Games like this help me to understand why people become gay. When games like this occur, they don’t have to watch. They can go shopping or hang out with girls or whatever else they do.

Minnesota At +6 Green Bay

The Purple Jesus is running into a brick wall known as Micah Favre. Sparks will fly and the heavens will open, and there will be no losers in this game, except the Vikings, who will, in fact, lose.

At Baltimore -4 Cincinnati

Fuck this.

At Oakland +3.5 Chicago “Getcha Roll On”

I don’t even know what Getcha roll on means. Often times Chigozie forgets that I am incredibly white. He said the word momma yesterday to signify to me that an older lady fancies him, and I just figured he was talking about this mother for about half the conversation. Honestly, I didn’t even question it until he mentioned going out, and hooking up and whatnot. Then it got a little weird, but I just sort of went with it.

Dallas -1 At NY Giants

A while ago, I wrote that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys because football is like Chess and having Bill Bellichick call plays against Wade Phillips was like having Garry Kasparov play chess against a seven year old autistic kid. Well, football is still like chess, and Tony Romo is about to make Eli Manning his queen.

Detroit +1 At Arizona

I don’t see how this game is only +1 to Detroit. I can’t foresee a single outcome in which Detroit doesn’t win by 17.

Indianapolis -3.5 At San Diego

In honor of Hubie Brown this will be written in only the second person: So, you’re Ladainian Tomlinson, and what are you thinking to yourself. You know you were on a great, great team last year and that your whole team is back. So, why are you a middling franchise this year? You know the coaching change has been rough but you can start to salvage the season with this game. You also know that Hubie is old and hungry so why don’t you get the old coach a sandwich? Thanks, Ladainian.

At Seattle -10 San Francisco

Seriously, they’re going to play this game on Monday Night. I shit you not. Tony Kornheiser is already thinking about ways to piss off fans right now as we speak.

Womanese!

Welcome to the World of Womanese!

What!

Womanese!

It’s no surprise that women speak another language. It’s also no surprise that most men do not speak or understand this language.

With this post, I will open you up to a whole new world.

Now, it’s time to break the language of Womanese!

For your reading pleasure, bold will be the woman, and normal text will be the translation. And italics will be for your host - JW.

I think of you as my brother!

or

You remind me of my brother!

I would consider sexual acts with you to be incest!

I’m not looking for a relationship right now.

I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU.

When you get a chance…

Do this immediately or else!

Have you had the time to…

Stop whatever you are doing, and DO THIS RIGHT NOW!

Of course I don’t mind paying for myself!

You cheap bastard!

I’m not ready for a boyfriend right now...

I sure as heck don’t want to settle down with YOU!

I need more space

You are becoming undesirable and unattractive to me.

I’m trying to focus on my ‘career’ or ‘education’

Even though my training and studying are tedious and boring, I find them to be more exciting than you’ll ever be.

You wouldn’t understand!

I don’t even understand, but I’m not going to tell you.

Hell, we ALL don’t understand!

I like you, but…

I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL!

This is the kiss of death and if a woman ever says this to you, you walk away, don’t waste your time with girls that have low interest.

Let’s just give it some time….

You are not high on my rating list. You are a good backup if someone better doesn’t come along.

Let’s Just Be Friends

You will never see me naked. I’m not attracted to you.

Every guy has heard this at least once, or has been LJBFed!

I don’t want to ruin OUR friendship

I want you to remain my girly friend, someone I can use as my emotional tampon!

We need…

I want!

How about you give me YOUR number?

I’ll add it to my trophy collection of guy’s numbers – pathetic guys who want me but I don’t want them!

NEVER GIVE YOUR NUMBER to a girl unless you already have hers.

I’m NOT UPSET YOU JERK!!!

I’m upset!

She’s very upset!

Am I fat?

Please tell me I’m beautiful

We need to talk!

I need to complain about something irreverent!

Where is this going?

Are you my boyfriend? Or, are we getting married?

Watch out!

No

No

Maybe

No

Let me think about it

No

I feel like I have known you my entire life!

We have a winner! I won’t let this prize get away from me!

No

Yes

"Letgotosmokes" The League

I had meant to live blog for the “Letsgotosmokes” fantasy basketball league draft in which I am the commissioner. My trip to D-Town got in the way of that little project but I will perform a quick recap.

What motivated this recap? JW sending me taunting emails about my team, Double Deuce talking trash about his week one win and Jron lurking in the wings to make commentaries about his (probable) week 2 win. It’s all good ya’ll. I’m just playing a little rope-a-dope like my boy’s Ali and the Diesel. Yes the Diesel is playing rope-a-dope. He will continue to dominate and yes he will win another ship. But I don't need to defend him he stated it best, "I don't need earthlings' respect. When it's all said and done, my name will be there and it will be mentioned ... unless you earthlings try to erase it."

Problem I- Finding Internet

Somehow I managed to schedule the draft when I was supposed to be in D-Town. This was a bad idea, especially since JW does not have Internet, none of his friends have Internet and he did not access to his work computer on the weekends. To make a long story short, I ended up in Einstein’s Bagels with my laptop going strong till they kicked me out 30 mins before the draft. In a frantic rush the Corner Bakery free wireless connection ended up saving my butt.

Problem II- Not enough Players

Somehow our 12th player dropped out hours before the draft and you are not able to draft without even numbers. Luckily JW was next to me and I “forced” him to play. Discounting for slight technical difficulties like drafting two participants on the same computer, things were in line to work well.

The Outlook

I like to win, especially in fantasy. Jron and I had already completed a draft in another public league. This league will not be discussed on this blog except in passing but needless to say I will win that league. My competitive juices are flowing for the “Letsgotosmokes” league because I know the majority of the players personally and they are all my friends and LOVE to talk trash.

The Players

Noe “The Prolific”: Noe’s team is also known as team Heat as he tends to have an inordinate amount of Heat players even though they aren't a fantasy relevant team. I love them, can’t wait till they win their next ship but I wouldn’t draft any of their players except the one I got; Flash.

Double Deuce: His favorite player is Squirt Gun 47 nuff said.

Jron: His teams tend to be the fantasy version of the Mavericks, great regular season numbers, fizzle out in the playoffs not really a threat to the ultimate fantasy goal

JW: I forced him to play, he talks trash, I am sure I will constantly update the blog with his emails. Tends to like the Nugs, and knows absolutely nothing about basketball

Brek: He is a NBA fan but tends to like the Bruins more, too bad Kevin Love and Collison weren't in the draft.

Evan Obrien aka Emob Don’t know much about him, he is a friend of the Deuce’s tends to know his stuff. Can’t really remember much about his team.

Evan Price aka meatspin aka Vanilla Face: My mortal enemy hence the name. Vanilla Face you know I want you!

Cruz (not game): See EMOB’s comment and insert Prolific for Deuce

McRae: I liked his team, he tended to draft smartly. Unwisely turned down my initial trade offer and will be my biggest challenger to the title.

Benzo: Team Celtic! While I don’t think it is cool to war things other than pregnant women (not MOMMYs get it correct, pregnant women) and KG; I do not think the strategy will be the most effective in the long run.

R. Young: See EMOB’s comment

Chiggy: “The favorite” I got flack because the majority of my team is starting the season injured.

The draft
Needless to say I thought I drafted the best team. I was also impressed with the drafts of Benzo and McRae. Upon further review Jron might have got some gems late in the draft that I had not accounted for anyways I would handicap our league like this

Noe 5-1
Double Deuce 4-1
Jron 3-2
JW 15-1
Brek 7-1
Emob 6-1
Vanilla Face 3-1
Cruz 7-1
McRae 4-1
Benzo 3-1
R. Young 6-1
Chiggy 3-2

Updates will be provided throughout the season.

Currently Half my team is out Odom, Brand, Wade and I am in last place. But my mind right now can only think of the following joke:

(In the voice of a black football player) It’s the playoffs, Baby! It’s the playoffs, Baby! You win, You move on. You lose, you go home. That’s what the playoffs is about. Who doesn’t want to go home the most!

(Nerdy Black comedian) Well Sir, I am not too sure about that, What would happen in a football game between abused children and the Oakland raiders? I am pretty sure the abused children really don’t want to go home more than the Raiders. Do you think they could beat the Oakland Raiders?

That was very tangential, however I think my point was I don’t want to go home to most.

NBA PREVIEW PART III

Shaq’s 5th Title

Today was a terrible day. Espn ran multiple articles outlining the demise of the diesel. There is only one problem with that Shaq has one more title in him. I had mentioned in the fantasy article he is currently playing rope-a-dope. I believe this to be true. However I don’t believe this will be the year. I am planning on moving to the MIA next year to witness the next Heat championship. Ideally Shaq would win his finally championship in two years and retire on top. Why do I have such a strong belief that Shaq will win another championship? He has the heart of a champion and the champion know how. Wade is a premier player and they will focus on building a team around the two of them to prior to Shaq’s retirement.