Double Down with Chiggy

What follows is Chiggy's and the Deuce's take on this American life. We spent the better part of a Thursday answering eachother's questions because, you know, work be damned.



To: Double Deuce

From: Chiggy



Re: Here we go!



Double Deuce,



A lot of things have changed in our society and much for the better. Look at this email I am sending, back in the day I would have had to send it via US Mail, (and everyone knows it takes at least 2 weeks for those letter carriers to get anything right) Right now it is instantaneous and I can get immediate feedback about my thoughts.



Right now I am pretty hot about one technological advance, Automated Phone systems! Who honestly thinks these are helpful? "Please dial or say your account number now" Besides the fact that if I was organized enough to have my account number handy while I am most likely driving I wouldn't call these people, the fact that I have to RESTATE the same account number when I talk to an actual representative is ridiculous. The fact that most of them will not allow you to go directly to customer service is also pretty frustrating, and while there is tons of unintentional comedy in watching everyone say customer service for 5 straight minutes being on an Automated Phone system sucks when you actually have to deal with one.



The wisdom of Double Deuce has been called upon, how can the guys of LGTS start a movement to end the practice of using these systems? I have a dreamsicle that one day my four small children can live in a world in which they can call a corporation and talk to a human being.



Another technological joke is texting. My stance on texting has changed a ton in the past few years, and while I don't think it's only for girls anymore I think its ridiculous how people consciously wait prior to responding to texts. What your "friend" will think you are a loser if you respond immediately when you get the texts? You don't carry your phone with you everywhere you go? I have never experienced anyone waiting 2 hours to text me back when I owe them money. How is it possible that everyone you see out has their phones on them yet no one ever really picks up or responds to texts in a prompt manner? Just a few thoughts that I thought needed to be shared with you my gimpy friend.



Lots of Luck, Chiggy


To: Chiggy

From: Double Deuce


Re: Cheesey Doodles



Let's get Chiggy with it,


I guess it would be logical of me to answer these questions in asequential manner, but I'm feeling a little frisky this afternoon soyou're going to get my thoughts in a ramshackle mess of knowledge.I'm laying truthbombs on your ass.


You say you want to talk to a person; I say fine. We should be giventhe opportunity to speak to an operator because five minutes into ourautomated experience, we get shipped to one anyway. I mean, doesn'tit seem like there is no way that, in the long run, the automatedphone system saves any money. First, you call and then you getshipped to a real person who is supposed to be able to help exceptthat your problem is not covered by this niche person so they pass youon. And now, you have to re-tell your whole story to this new personwasting their time, your time and the company's time. How does this process save money? Doesn't it make more sense to have an operator automatically place you so as to avoid all that time lost on both sides? The answer; no it doesn't. The last time I checked, operators, by and large, could care less about their jobs. If they do a great job, nobody cares….so why work hard, you know? My bet is that they probably make just as many, if not more, mistakes than the damn automated machine. This is why I don't buy anything that might break, ever.



Ahhh, the texting thing. I just don't know how to feel about texting. I still tend to think, "why not just call?" But I don't live by myown personal motto. I've begun to text more. I message friends for noreason. So I guess I'm the worst type of person in the world; I'mlike the anti-Ghandi. I'm not the change I want to see in the world.


Chigozie, the way I see it, you're reacting against a world where we lose interpersonal communication. Whether or not you care about theperson on the other end of the phone, you want to hear from them. You want to hear another human voice, which totally makes sense. As work becomes more official and I suffer more and more transactional sortsof conversations, I want my friends to call and actually want to talk to me. I need more than the standard text message giggle. I'm a real person, you know. Still, I send text messages because it's easy and because I'm lazy.



This probably says something greater about our generation. Something like; we have these wants and desires, butwe're really not prepared to have the focused vision it takes to get accomplish the goal even if it's just talking to friends instead oftexting them. I don't really know, and I guess, I've sort of just resigned myself to the fact that our generation sucks.


Anyways, are there any ads you just can't stand? When they are good, I love advertisements. The fact that a person can tell a convincing story in thirty seconds that can also illicit an emotion is absolutelymind-boggling to me, and I do this for a living. My problem; therehasn't been an ad like that for me since Geico's, "So Easy a CavemanCan Do It," and even that ad was killed by the TV show they did. Imean, wasn't Encino Man already a major motion picture like 15 yearsago. I swear that in Hollywood, people with a foot in the door arethen able to fail upward. And what does this tell me? I live in the wrong city.


Okay, I've been thinking about this a bit. Remember in high school when we'd tell people that you wrestled and I played basketball and they'd look at us incredulously because you're black and I'm not? Well, I think we finally have a chance to induce that stereotyping again. I'm on the record as voting for Obama. I think you shouldtell people that you're voting for McCain. Let's blow some minds, man. It's high time that we really aren't judged by the color of our skin, but by the content of our political views. So let's join in and rein truthbombs on these stereotyping liberals.

District Deliberations: I'm Slacking...I Know

I’m Slacking!!!!!

Ok so plenty to catch up on, and most likely I’m out of date, but here’s what I thought was important this week:

1. Tina Fey on SNL- bitches do the best work. Sorry Tina. I like your show, but fuck that, and hilldog btw. This woman is a bitch, but it doesn't does not mean that she’s going to run the country well. In addition, everyone has said that Bill will have too much influence on the White House. Though speculated not to be such a bad thing, because 2 smart people working together can’t be worse than one, you’re wrong. Bill has been a detriment to Hillary’s campaign, and the guy will not help out in the White House. The major issue is the war. Bill demilitarized this country. Hilldog voted for the war. Think that’ll make for some nice pillow talk? Stick to comedy Tina, because your Hillary endorsement was a fucking joke.
2. Beat up on Obama – That’s about enough. I’m not endorsing Obama, but the guy has done nothing wrong and he’s taking shit from everyone. Some douche kept referring to his middle name “Hussein” and tried to make the comparison to Sadaam. Hillary’s been calling him out in every way she can. The Conservative media has criticized him for being endorsed by Farrakhan. The other media thinks nobody wants to hurt his feelings and is tossing him softballs. Fuck that. Obama is doing everything right. He is winning support because of his character, i.e. not mudslinging. Sorry Hillary, but finding this, isn’t going to hurt Barack. He was showing respect for a different culture, something you wouldn’t know anything about. You can't fault him for being supported by unsavory people. Numerous politicians have been endorsed by creeps. Also, you have a mullet Hilldog. Pack it in, yer done.
3. John McCain- Way to hold the fort dude. He condemned some dude for mocking Barack and took whatever heat he got with character and fortitude. Way to be Johnny Mac.
4. I had a cigar and a drink with the Governator the other night. Rarely am I starstruck, but Arnold is the man. Dude is still huge, he can hold a crowd and smoke a huge stogie, all without speaking a word of intelligible English. Truly the best Democratic governor in the nation. (that's a joke)
   
5. NHL news- Trade deadline was ridiculous this week. Mike Richards went to Dallas. Marian Hossa went to the already deep Penguins. The Caps got Fedorov. And the Rangers did jack shit. Truly this trade deadline made for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer in the NHL. Look for some fireworks for the end of the year.
6. Soccer is relevant! Tottenham Hotspur won the Carling Cup (English League Cup) to win the first trophy for the year. Arsenal striker Eduardo Da Silva may never be the same again (caution: video is gruesome). Internazionale tied Roma today, essentially guaranteeing them the Scudetto (Italian league) this year. All of this is so much more exciting than pitchers and catchers reporting, but still the Mets got Johan Santana.
7. I started a new job this week. I’ll be blogging but at a far lesser pace than the past month. I got some good stories in the works too. Getcha popcorn ready.

Finally, remember the good old days?

What it Means to be Fredo or Burning Out as Opposed to Fading Away

Fredo Corleone—sometimes referred to as John Cazale—was in five movies before he died of bone cancer. Each of these movies was nominated for the Academy Award in the Best Picture category, and three won the title. It has occurred to me that (perhaps) John Cazale is the only actor who has ever lived who literally has never made a bad movie, and as it happens, he never will make an unwatchable flick. Perhaps, seen in this context he was lucky to have bone cancer insomuch as it solidified his artistic legacy. However, this is narrow lens with which to view a man’s life. I mean, dying may have been beneficial to Fredo’s artistic legacy but it probably didn’t afford him the chance to do the things most of the rest of us take for granted like marrying Meryl Streep or playing foosball or treating themselves to a drunken night with friends. Now, if I wanted to, I could probably create an argument claiming that it was better for John Cazale to die rather than live (though I don’t actually believe it). Or I could take a similar but more narrow view and suppose that only his career benefited from his untimely demise but that every other area of his life was distorted and swallowed up by his early death. But there’s a problem with this; there’s no way to know whether or not his career benefited or his life would have been better. Maybe his career would have taken off or maybe his life would have tanked. There’s no way to know. Really, all that I know about Fredo Corleone is that he’s smaaaaaat, he coulda been somethin’ too, every one of his movies was nominated for an Oscar, and that the last one probably wasn’t a coincidence. Besides that, what is there to know about an actor who died in 1978?

Dying seems like it probably sucks, but it is also one of the most interesting aspects of the human experience because it is most definitely the only thing that happens to everyone absolutely universally. I think about dying a lot, and I think anyone who claims they don’t is probably lying. And if they’re not lying then they are boring, which in my world, is worse. It’s not that I like to ponder how I’m going to die, but if given the opportunity I’d definitely want to be able to decide how it was going to happen. I’d delight in the opportunity to decide what everyone else would remember about my final minutes, days or years. This brings me back to Fredo. John Cazale died of bone cancer soon after he married Meryl Streep, and I can only assume that it was a painful way to perish. And the sad thing is, He had no control over this outcome. It’s a depressing thought; knowing we aren’t in control of our own existence. It makes me wonder how I’d choose to go. I guess if I could choose, I’d want it to be funny, but not hysterical. Depressing, but not maudlin. It would need to be random, inexplicable even and it would have to happen in a way that could probably have been avoided.

For instance, about a year ago, my friend Nick and I were both mugged exiting a friend’s birthday party. Now, nothing happened (besides Nick’s backpack being stolen), but in that instance when the six of us were fighting and neither Nick nor I knew if our assailants were carrying weapons or not I thought, for an instant, that we could die on McCallister Street in San Francisco without ever really living. This was a shitty feeling. It felt almost as bad as getting hit in the face, which was, coincidentally also happening at the very same time.

So, I began to think about how I’d want to die if it were to happen, and I came up with a solution. I couldn’t eat a bullet like Hunter S. Thompson and I don’t want to fall from grace and die on a toilet like Elvis Aron. Hunter’s death really wasn’t funny or inexplicable. Elvis’ was funny, and inexplicable but the circumstances were just too pathetic. No, I don’t want to go that way.To my mind, it would be much better to have my head pummeled by an angry sea otter or die at the paws of an angry bear, while climbing a mountain. There’s just no way either of those deaths could be thought of in a forlorn fashion. They’re just things that, sort of, happen. They’re occurrences that people will remember years after they actually happen, and in terms much happier than, say, bone cancer. But I can’t help but think about something else now. Perhaps, I am missing the point entirely.

All of this death talk is reminding me of something else entirely, “What does it matter if you die if you’ve never really lived?” In reality , dying isn't really about the person who is gone, but who and what the dead man leaves behind. Only in this way, can people have a legacy that lasts beyond the momentary. Fredo made five great movies, Elvis churned out #1 hit after #1 goofy movie after #1 hit and Hunter S. created the counter-culture of the ‘70’s. In this context, these people will live forever. Maybe, it’s not about how you die after all.

A Few Thoughts

- Each post about a psychic is part of a book a man named Nick Spencer and I are writing. So that’s kind of cool. You get to read the rough draft of essays that become a book. Lucky you.
- Baseball season is coming in hot, fast and heavy. Bats, balls, sexual innuendos….get used to them for the next 8 months.
- I’ve got a broken foot so I have an excuse, but what’s your excuse for watching the entirety of the Godfather and Godfather II yesterday?
- I really like the name Surrender Monkey to describe the French. But what should we call the rest of the world? People who are generally darker than Americans isn’t going to work so let’s see some ideas in the comments.
- You know, this whole merit based society we’re moving to is not cool. I miss those days I never got to be a total part of when I could have risen through ranks based on race alone.
- I’m not afraid to admit it anymore: I don’t hate the Golden Girls
- That’s sort of a lie. I mean, I can’t watch the Golden Girls because its mostly about sexual prowess of sexagenarians and I really can’t watch a show about sexagenarian sluts.
- Try sniffing glue; four out of five dentists agree that it’s awesome.
- Never mention The Greg Louganis story to A.C. Slater….Lesson learned.
- I hear people say, all the time, that television sucks. My question is, what are they watching? 30 Rock may be the best show I’ve seen in three years. I’m dropping truthbombs on your mind grapes, bitches.
- Werewolf bar mitzvah spooky, scary.
- I’m gonna make you a mix tape. Do you like Phil Collins?
o Do I have two ears and a heart?
- I need to watch fewer cartoons....I mean, what 23 year old watches three straight episodes of Hong Kong Phooey Come on.
-If I was a casting director, I'd cast Alec Baldwin for everything. He'd be like my Eddie Murphy in Norbit.
-I guess that means that Kim Jong-Il and I have something in common.