NASCAR and Necks

The department of Homeland security wanted to study "public health issues at events involving mass gatherings." The event they chose, NASCAR. The loyal readers here at “Letsgotosmokes” know what I think of NASCAR, (left turns, necks, classy drivers and an incredibly fast growing sport). What you don’t know is what the department of homeland security thinks of NASCAR. A recent flap occurred when the department required their staff to receive immunization against Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria, and influenza prior to attending events in Concord, NC and Talledega, Alabama. Senator Robin Hayes took offense to the mandate and even went as far as saying, "I have never heard of immunizations for domestic travel, and as the representative for Concord, North Carolina, I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown."

I am not sure why this became such a huge issue, I believe such as the US America should remove the middle of the country from the continent such as the Iraq and Asian nations. If the middle of the country wasn't here NASCAR wouldn't be popular in the first place and this would be a non issue.

In addition the necks should realize if they cut off their mullets and got a new haircut no one would assume they were diseased.

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

In that moment before I fall asleep at night, every night (unless I’m drunk), I have to come up with a reason to wake up again in the morning. In that self-reflexive moment, I need a reason to face this cruel, cruel world for the 25,000th time. During the fall and winter months, the reason is easy. You see, during the summer, I can think of a beautiful day awaiting me or summer Fridays that make me pine for my youth. In the spring, the Sun is peeking out from behind winter’s cold glare, and early autumn, oh early autumn was given to us by God. The cool breeze off-setting a beautiful day is reason enough for even the most bereaved person to rise in the morning. But late fall and Winter. What help do they afford me? What type of oasis exists in the fog of unhappiness so often associated with this time of the year? For years, decades, centuries even eons man has asked himself this same thing, crying out to the heavens in an almost singular voice, “What do we have to live for?” For so many years, in the winter, there was no answer. And then there was football; a shiny beacon of hope on this North American continent where once there was nothing. Football gives me a reason to get out of bed, it gives me a reason to go to work and make money and it gives me a reason to talk to the people I normally despise. Football is the great American unifier. The game itself is a simple one. Throw, Catch, Run, Hit. And this makes us happy. It’s also incredibly complex, with its innumerable schemes and formations all disguised to make the offense and the defense equally confounded. And this makes us happy. Winter is a seemingly austere time that, on the surface, is easily decoded, but only when you peel away the layers of the onion do you see its true beauty. The same is true of football (except with way uglier onions). This is my ode to football, the reason I live for Sunday, but it is not written without trepidation. You see, I am worried. Oh, I know football will continue, but will it bring me along with it? Thirty years from now, will I still be just as happy to wake up in the morning during these winter months because of some game developed for children? The true answer is, “I don’t know,” and I have only one thing to blame: Parity.

Parity may be “good” for the game because any team, in any given year, can absolutely come out of nowhere to take the league by storm. This gives the great unwashed masses, the fans of historically terrible teams, hope, and it keeps them waking up in the winter months, but what about me. I am a card carrying fan of the San Francisco 49ers, a once-proud franchise that now scores in excess of 3.4 points per game. What do I have, except my memories of Steve Young (I’m too young to remember Joe Montana as anything but a Chief). I chose the 49ers at the peak of their dynasty not to exist as a front-runner, but because my father was and is a HUGE Cowboy fan. I have never been sadder than when the Cowboys beat the 49ers in back to back NFC championship games, and I have never been happier than when the 49ers beat the Cowboys the following year thus ending Dallas’ attempt at three straight Super Bowls. In fact, I doubt I will ever be that happy again. Some things can only happen when you’re young. But here’s the thing, while parity gives everyone a chance to win, it keeps all but the very smartest from being able to achieve any semblance of greatness (This wouldn’t be a problem in many areas of life, but this is football we’re talking about. These guys are one step up from basketball GM’s). And this frightens me. Without great dynasties, where are the great rivalries? How can we pick sides? I mean, I know that this week features a “clash of the un-beatens” as the Patriots and Cowboys square off. But who will the clash feature next year? The Cowboys could have one key injury on their offensive line and the whole season could come tumbling down. That’s the problem with parity, no one is immune, not even the Patriots.

Now, this could be construed as a random 49er fan begrudging the league because his team is incredibly terrible. But that is simply not true. I don’t really care whether the 49er’s are one of the next dynasties or not, I only care that there are dynasties, and that when they form, we can all pick sides when we wake up on Sunday morning.

Onto my singular pick of the week because the rest of the games are barely worth watching

Patriots -6 over Dallas

So, here it is, the only dynasty left in the NFL playing the Cowboys, a team with as many Super Bowls as my beloved 49er’s. The game features a Brett Favre redux quarterback (Tony Romo) playing the modern day equivalent of Johhny Unitas (Mr. Brady, I presume). You know, football has been called a chess game many, many times, and I feel like these teams have equally strong chess pieces. Here’s the problem. New England has Bill Bellichick controlling his pieces and the ‘Boys have Wade Phillips. It’s like Gary Kasparov is playing a seven year old not named Bobby Fischer.

Here are the rest (Rif Raf of the NFL) of Chiggy’s picks, followed by Noe's sentence deeply analyzing the matchup (spellcheck says this is not a word..but FUCK them, spellcheck is also not a word on spellcheck) at hand.

Cincinnati -3 At Kansas City
KC sucks...and it's not in Kansas....The Johnsons (ocho cinco and Rudi) have big games. Da Natti.

Houston +6.5 At Jacksonville
The Jacksonville D is not too bad. Texans don't have 'Dre J, plus Gerrard is on my fantasy team. Again, they should have picked Reggie Bush. Jacksonville

At Cleveland -4.5 Miami
Kellen "I'm a soldier" Winslow....Cleo Lemon...They guy's name is Cleo Lemon..Does anyone remember Mrs. Cleo Psychic Service? Cleveland

Minnesota +5 At Chicago
I can't use the same fucking rant each week. Bears

Philadelphia -3.5 At NY Jets
The New Jersey Bowl.....Eagles

St. Louis +9.5 At Baltimore
This would have been the greatest Offensive v. Defensive Game...like 5 years ago...Why be less when you can B-More?

Tennessee +3 At Tampa Bay; Money line pick of the week
I will not mess with the "Money line pick of the week". Titans.

Washington +3 Green Bay
If this was at Lambeau, it would be the Pack. I will keep this pick since it was the one that was written right after the "money line pick of the week". 'Skins

Carolina +5 At Arizona
Who is more fucked, Carolina (Vinny) or Miami (Cleo)? Have you read ESPN lately Chiggy? Cards

Oakland +10 At San Diego
What are you thinking Chigozie? LT has to fucking break it open. He will pass/run/catch/intercept/fumble recover for 10 TDs. Bolts

New Orleans +6.5 At Seattle
It sucks that Mack Strong retired...How awesome is the name . You know what used to be an awesome name, Drew Brees...and Reggie Bush...and Marques Colston...They will be cool again, I think. Los Santos.

NY Giants -3.5 At Atlanta
Another opportunity to make fun of Micheal Vick but I will pass it up to make fun of ESPN for scheduling this game months ago for MNF. The joke's on them... EVEN

John Hollinger's Kids Must Hate When He Does This to Them

Can you feel it? The NBA basketball season is right around the corner. Wait. You can’t feel it, you can’t smell the cool breeze and the dewy raindrops of Pac-Man Jones making it rain in that old nose of yours? You say we’re in the middle of the baseball playoffs, do you? The football season is getting to the point where the cream has risen to the top, you say? The NBA isn’t even on your radar screen? Well, fine, I get it. The problem with the NBA is the same as with all sports. The off-season has become more compelling than when the games are actually being played. This is dangerous for many reasons most of which are boring, but one of which scares me mightily, not just within the idiom of basketball, but within the idiom of all sports. Games, in general, and sports in particular are made for children and gamblers. Professional sports is threatening the very joy that our children should get from their athletic endeavors. That’s why from now on, I’m only betting on children’s athletics, specifically San Francisco city league basketball; the fourth grade division.

To this end, I’ve been scouting each team, figuring out the strengths and (more importantly) weaknesses of the Purple Lions, the Yellowjackets, the Green Dragons and my personal favorite for your next league champion, the Red Raiders. The most important thing to remember with each of these teams is that fun has taken on a new meaning for these kids; they’re fourth graders now, winning is fun. All that matters is that they decimate the other team and eat orange slices (or Fruit Roll Ups) at the end of each game. Without further ado, here’s the San Francisco fourth grade city league power poll.

4. Purple Lions (Last Season Record as the Wile E. Coyotes 1-7)

The Purple Lions had a rough go of it last year in the third grade division, and it appears that the reasons for their 1-7 record have not been remedied. Their coach, Ron Shandler, affirms that they were, are, and always will be a running team. In his words, “It worked just fine in the second grade division; last year was just a fluke.” However, my advance scout, Sammy Weinberg, has told me that in the second grade the team relied on Danny Sapper, who was known on the playground to play in the same game as fourth graders and win. Sammy informed me that Danny and his family moved three weeks before school started last year, and that was the reason for the slide.

Without Danny, the projections show the Lions to have been about a .500 team in the second grade, which puts last year’s record into more perspective. Furthermore, from what I’ve seen from playground action, this team just doesn’t have the firepower to compete in the loaded San Francisco division. They have no reliable ballhandlers though Ron points out, justly I might add, that Greggy Teryn has made great strides this year.

Finally, the team relies heavily on the outside shot, but has no reliable three-point shooter or rebounder to clean up the misses. The de facto center is Helmund Feris, a four foot three inch man-child who grew over 6 inches in the last year. Consequently, his body has not grown into itself and he is very clumsy.

Outlook: Not having a reliable ballhandler, shooter or big man is going to put this team at the mercy of trapping pressure applied by the other teams in the league as well as the Red Raiders’ vaunted beehive swarm. This team will over achieve if they can play .500 basketball.

3. The Green Dragons (Last Year’s Record as the Wrestling Weasels; 4-4)

This team made great strides last year starting with point guard, Johnny Williams’ improved shooting and ending with center Will Few, the kid his coach Russ Guy calls his “Little Charles Barkley” due to his large backside and stellar play under the boards. Beyond that, who can forget the Weasels’ scintillating run to the finals and Few’s improbable three-point heave to upset the Green Giants in the third grade championship game?

Outlook: While The Dragons played perfect basketball in their run to the finals, the projections are not treating them with the sort of respect you would expect from a past champion. My guess is that they may do better than the projection because this team knows how to win; something a projection cannot forecast. However, there are some obvious reasons that the projections see this team coming in third. First, the other two teams have both been outperforming the Dragons on the playground. Second, and probably more importantly, three of the members of the Dragons have seen themselves sprout at least four inches over the summer. While this bodes well for the fifth grade Dragons, it means that this year barring any gain in coordination, this will be a team plagued by poor footwork and turnovers.

2. The Yellow Jackets (Last Year’s Record as the Ink Blots; 5-3)

This team is comprised of the finest athletes in the entire division. They have somehow managed to stagger their growth spurts so the won-loss record has constantly been unaffected by the constant growing pains of players like little Hud Walton and Jasper Kellen. However, the team has also been through its fair share of scandal. Many people around Cesar Chavez Elementary have accused them of throwing their playoff game against the Wrestling Weasels for access to the teacher’s lounge. Further, they have been implicated in point shaving scandals for the right to trade lunch with whomever they choose since as early as the first grade.

Outlook: There is no doubt that this team has the most talent of any team in the division. The only questions are 1.) Can they hold themselves together amidst all of this scandal? 2) If they are innocent of the charges, then when will they stop underachieving and reach their potential?

1.The Red Raiders (Last Year’s Record as the Green Giants; 6-2)

The only question with this team is whether Chip Ollie and Eddie Billows can rebound from last year’s stunning defeat. This team was absolutely crushed when they lost to the Weasels, and from what I’ve been told by my informant, both players worked double time in the off-season and summer, even going so far as to put off Pop Warner Football for one more year in order to again reach the pinnacle of the city league. This bodes ill for the rest of the league because the team seemingly already had no weaknesses. They can score at will playing fast or playing slow. They can pound the ball inside to the four foot seven inch Chip, who has shown great footwork, hands and surprising agility in workouts (He even played shortstop during the spring baseball season). Or they can run Fast Eddie on the wing to receive a pass from the best outlet point guard in the league, Phil Best. Either way expect games with scores approaching 40.

Outlook: The Red Raiders is a team that has worked for this chance since the final whistle blew last fall. The team is hungry, focused, and is repeatedly besting fifth and sixth graders during lunch time. They have a singular purpose usually reserved for seventh graders and a supreme fear of failure. I really don’t see how any other team in this league can compete barring someone new moving into the area.

Richmond, VA, C.S.A.

MONA lives in the capital of the Confederate States of America, Richmond, VA. Visiting her this weekend, I wanted to investigate a few questions about this very odd nation, the Confederate States of America. Here are a few questions I inquired about that I still have no definite answer to:
1) Will the South rise Again?
2) Where is Hazzard County?
3) What the FUCK does 'American by birth, Southern by the Grace of God" even mean?
4) Jefferson Davis, what the fuck?
5) Why is Waffle House so good?
6) The accent...what is up with the accent?

I spent 3 days in the Capital of the Confederacy. This was definitely not enough time to answer these questions and I will continue in the quest for answers. However, I did begin to write down notes from what I gathered in these few days and here they are:

1) The White House of the Confederacy is fucking Gray. Not only is this stupid, but it just shows that the C.S.A. is a rip-off of the U.S.A.

2) Robert E. Lee was the greatest general EVER! He will fix Iraq, defeat Iran and peacefully unite Korea in 4 days.

3) Jefferson Davis sucked.

4) In 1865, after the fall of Richmond, President Lincoln went to the "White House of the Confederacy" and put his feet all over Jefferson Davis' former desk. This was a precursor to Rick James putting his feet all over Eddie Murphy's couch (Chappelle fans, please laugh at this).

5) A lady asked in the tour of the Confederate White House if a couple of original statues were African Art?
Why the FUCK would the Confederacy have African Art in their fucking White/Gray House?!?! They have fucking slaves, you dumb bitch!

6) Same lady then asks tour guide if the White/Gray House has spirits?
Yes lady, in the basement, lie an army of 300,000 Confederate Spirits ready to invade the North at a moment's notice.

7) The confederacy has 3 different national flags and one battle flag. The one we usually see is the battle flag. The other 3 have a very stupid story.
1. The first flag (The stars and bars), looked so much like the US flag. This caused confusion in battle because they are FUCKING STUPID.
2. The second flag was the battle flag on a corner while the rest was white. This also caused confusion because it looked like a surrender flag.
3. The third one is the same as the second one with a red stripe, so it wouldn't look like a surrender flag. Red Stripe. Hooray Beer!

8) It took 5o minutes to get 15 chicken wings while it took around 9 minutes for everybody else. They must have known I was a Yankee.

9) I loved the way Mona's friends said "New York City"

Like I said before, this does not answer any of my questions. However, if I had to put money on it, I think the SOUTH will NOT rise again.