Thoughts on New Awesome Websites/Videos

This week was a great week for doing nothing but being lazy around the internet. So here are my thoughts on some of this week’s best finds.

1. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com – Easily the best find this week, this site oversimplifies general things that white people prefer over other races. I find this hilarious because it has a more hipster/yuppie connotation, but did proceed to make me laugh out loud and tell some of my ethnic friends that they are, in fact, just white.
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2oPys_5iXc -- Sorry Barack, but they aren’t “just words”, they are a rebirth in plagiarism turned hilarious. "It's that little bitty 'kting' that makes it different." Sure it is...The video is posted above.
3. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com -- Enough said. This is the most descriptive name for a website you can waste 20 minutes on and giggle to yourself. Enjoy
4. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/lookalikes/ -- Doesn’t matter if you like soccer or not, this site derives its name from a classic and timeless chant which goes,

"Who ate all the pies?

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard

You fat bastard

You ate all the pies!”

As you might have noticed, this isn’t a complimentary chant, and is usually yelled at members of an opposing squad/fat guys in the stands. This site offers some of the goofiest “look alikes” (see page2 espn.com for others) and are pretty funny, even if you have no idea who the players/coaches are.

5. http://www.cracked.com/article_15899_20-tacky-religious-products-guaranteed-anger-god.html -- This is just funny to me because of #14. My brother has a Rock Band back home, and as the lead singer, I had to create a 6’8” black guy with an orange Flock of Seagulls’ haircut and an Abe Lincoln beard and named him “Chocolate Jesus”. Unfortunately, this character was deemed inappropriate for online play, but still provided hours of enjoyment, especially when I used the Scott Stapp voice(think lead singer of Creed) to do anything. This raised a dilemma in my mind though. What if a Hispanic kid bought an Xbox 360 and wanted to make his tag (his name) Killer(like “John Doe Killer” or “Stel Plakas Killer”), but his name was Jesús? Surely you can’t sign in to an online community with the name JesúsKiller, because that will arouse suspicion and piss people off. But it’s not like this kid meant any real harm by it. Damn, I feel bad for little Jesús, and whatever piss poor name he had to pick instead.
6. UPDATE!!!:: Two more genius threads for the day. www.barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com and www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com . Surprisingly simple, yet hilarious. My favorite is about Hilldog breaking up the no hitter because that bitch would do that.
   

Finally our girl of the day is Katie Price Jordan. I don't know who she is and I don't care.

Football is Awesome because I hate French People

Empirically, football is the most popular sport in America. There is no other professional athletic endeavor that comes close to creating such fervor among American sports fans. Football brings Americans together; it creates commonality and solidarity among people that have nothing else in common. It’s a beautiful thing really. What I’m wondering is, why?

I mean, sure it’s great that we’ve got some modern day gladiators beating the shit out of eachother in some modern-day Coliseum. Is the real reason we love football simply an extension of the id within American males? Can it really be true that we’ve not come any further than the Romans? Actually, that could be true, but I don’t think it’s the whole truth.

The real reason Americans love football is xenophobia. Football is the only sport still solely dominated by Americans. For every Christian Okoye there are 1,000 Dominican baseball players making it to the big leagues or humongous German shooters playing in the NBA. Football is the last bastion of American preponderance of power. The thing is, I’m not saying that this is some conscious anti-immigrant feeling that pervades American fandom. It’s just that, like always, we favor Americans, and in this day and age in a world system where we don’t really have any enemies who will show their faces, we juxtapose our old feelings of jingoistic fervor onto the closest approximation we have; sports, and by sports I mean football. Fuck. And. Yes.

BCS postseason thoughts:

1. They need a playoff. For once, I will support something that comes out of Georgia. Hours after LSU lifted their 2^nd BCS title trophy, UGA proposed a system that would have an 8 team playoff. I like this idea only because the BCS produces some of the most lopsided games this season. OSU got blown out, but managed to salvage some pride in the final seconds to LSU. Illinois shouldn’t have even been a BCS team, getting destroyed by USC. Same thing to Hawaii who was handled by UGA. While I do agree with this, I am even more excited with the prospect of more college football. J
2. Michigan will not be the same team next year, by any stretch of the imagination. Star Running back, O-Lineman, OLB, two wide outs, graduating senior QB Chad Henne, and the transfer of QB to be Ryan Mallett (6’7” Blue Chipper who’s leaving for Tennessee) Rich Rodriguez doesn’t have a QB yet for this new spread system that he will implement there, but look for him to push for Terrelle Pryor, a 6’6” 235 5 star recruit. In my degenerate gambler phase, I tried to put money on his team in the Army All American HS football game, which he won, but alas, the website I bet on didn’t have that.
3. Pete Carroll will not leave USC. Another website I check has him staying/leaving at 90/10. I think it’s less than that. Still, if Carroll does vie a move for the NFL look for him to want full control over a contender (Skins) as opposed to a complete rebuild at Atlanta. In all I think its all a bunch of overhyped speculation. Who would want to leave USC? You have a consistent talent class that is among the top in the nation. You’re in beautiful Southern California. You are the winningest football coach in college right now. Stay there Pete, bring Ole’ SC a few more championships before you reconsider the pros.
4. The Big 10 is overrated and will probably stay that way. Also OSU fans are among the most unbearable on the planet. I’ve spent time in Ohio (not even around Columbus) and though devout conservative Christians, these people would swear Jesus wore a sweater vest. Also there’s this guy. ‘nuff said.

NFL Roustabout: Roustabout Harder

It's a weird symptom that we, as Americans, are ensconced with. Wewant to cheer for winners, but are secretly happy when we witness failure. We stare at train wrecks, watch NASCAR because of the crashes and are glued to the screen during the Sopranos wondering if Tony really got whacked or not. We crave excellence but revel in its failure. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. This principle makes Steve Nash likable; it garnered Phil Mickelson legions of fans and untilthis year made Donavon McNabb seem sympathetic. In fact, in almost every case, it is easier to root for the underdog than to side with the Tigers or Federers of the world. Think about it; for every person we love to see succeed, there are 100 we want to see fail. For everyMichael Jordan there are people who have won their sport's ultimate prize who become immediately unlikable, for whatever reason. These are the Tim Duncans or Peyton Mannings or Kobe Bryants of the world. And they can't care about this, because it has nothing to do with them. It isn't their fault—well, except for Kobe; it is his fault. In truth, the reason we can't root for them has more to do with us than with them. It tells us that we only say we want to see winners,when in reality we want to see people have their dreams stripped away, and we want this because it humanizes them. We feel like, for once,they may feel exactly like we felt when our dreams were stripped away.

This is what makes it so hard to root for the Patriots; Tom Brady in particular. They've been to the top of the mountain and are only now reaching their potential. Do I want to see them fail? Honestly, I don't know. Is Tom Brady a Michael Jordan character or is he Tim Duncan? I can't decide.

There's an old, apocryphal story about Marilyn Monroe that Norman Mailer tells. He says that after Monroe signed her first big movie deal, she said, "Well, that's the last cock I ever eat." This is incredibly relevant this week because this is the only week of the year when no team in the league is going to eat the Patriots' collective cock, that is, unless the Patriots can figure out how to beat the bye week. I don't put anything by Tom Brady's sperm. But if the bye week is really the only way to musket-whip the Patriots, then why play the game? Why get up off the couch and work until your body gives out?

I can't help but think this is what every NFL player is going through this year. This is a scary thought and it is only indirectly related to the Patriots ransacking the league. They have not lost, and may not lose. For a professional athlete, who is not a member of the Patriots, and who has devoted an entire life to being the best player possible during his physical peak this can be an incredibly depressingnotion. You've given the sport your best years not to mention all of your mental and physical energies and after all of that; it turns outyou weren't good enough. Wouldn't it be much easier to just coast and to not work hard enough so that after the Patriots wax your team, you have a built in excuse? Obviously, it would be, but we don't root for the type of people who'd do this. We root for them to get back on the horse and try again and we do this because we know someone's got to eat the Patriot splooge and if that's your team this week, well that's okay; there's always next Sunday.

As always, Chigozie makes the picks, I make the dick jokes.

At Tennessee -4 Jacksonville

What’s the score of this game going to be? I’m guessing 13-7 or so. Did you know Vince Young has yet to throw for 200 yards in a game? I do.

At Kansas City -3 Denver

Good lord, what a shitty game.

Buffalo -3 At Miami

It’s like I’m going to have to go out into the world on Sunday. See, this is what people don’t understand. College Football Saturday is the day I go out with friends, get drunk in bars and, mostly, just have a great time. But football can serve another purpose. Football can make me forget that I am ridiculously hung-over. It nurses me through the time that I don’t want to even think about on Friday at work, but, you know, it can only do this if the games make me forget that feeling in the first place. Thanks a lot, NFL. (Mumbling) Fuckin Buffalo versus Miami. Fucking cockstain of a game.

Cleveland +9.5 At Pittsburgh

Chigozie called it a lock that the Browns would cover. I just hope his brown eye is puckered up because he’s about to get railed by the Big Motorcycle Crash himself.

At New Orleans -11.5 St. Louis

My analysis: Brees throws for 500 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Bush runs for 187 yards with 5 total touchdowns.
This needs to happen.

At Carolina -4 Atlanta

I would rather take out my contacts with sandpaper than watch this game.

At Washington -3 Philadelphia

Games like this help me to understand why people become gay. When games like this occur, they don’t have to watch. They can go shopping or hang out with girls or whatever else they do.

Minnesota At +6 Green Bay

The Purple Jesus is running into a brick wall known as Micah Favre. Sparks will fly and the heavens will open, and there will be no losers in this game, except the Vikings, who will, in fact, lose.

At Baltimore -4 Cincinnati

Fuck this.

At Oakland +3.5 Chicago “Getcha Roll On”

I don’t even know what Getcha roll on means. Often times Chigozie forgets that I am incredibly white. He said the word momma yesterday to signify to me that an older lady fancies him, and I just figured he was talking about this mother for about half the conversation. Honestly, I didn’t even question it until he mentioned going out, and hooking up and whatnot. Then it got a little weird, but I just sort of went with it.

Dallas -1 At NY Giants

A while ago, I wrote that the Patriots would beat the Cowboys because football is like Chess and having Bill Bellichick call plays against Wade Phillips was like having Garry Kasparov play chess against a seven year old autistic kid. Well, football is still like chess, and Tony Romo is about to make Eli Manning his queen.

Detroit +1 At Arizona

I don’t see how this game is only +1 to Detroit. I can’t foresee a single outcome in which Detroit doesn’t win by 17.

Indianapolis -3.5 At San Diego

In honor of Hubie Brown this will be written in only the second person: So, you’re Ladainian Tomlinson, and what are you thinking to yourself. You know you were on a great, great team last year and that your whole team is back. So, why are you a middling franchise this year? You know the coaching change has been rough but you can start to salvage the season with this game. You also know that Hubie is old and hungry so why don’t you get the old coach a sandwich? Thanks, Ladainian.

At Seattle -10 San Francisco

Seriously, they’re going to play this game on Monday Night. I shit you not. Tony Kornheiser is already thinking about ways to piss off fans right now as we speak.