Lady Katherine

“You’re going to live to a very long age, at least 85.” Thus begins my imminent, and probably eminently methodical, trek to find meaning in an otherwise meaningless world. Nick Spencer and I have sealed our fate; we just don’t know it yet.

There are questions in this life beyond our comprehension or something like that; so the adage goes. Vonnegut tried to answer them very simply writing in Slaughterhouse Five that some alien being (the Tralfamordorians) was going to push a button and the universe would end. So it goes. I want more, but where can I find it. Certainly, I could look inside, but inside myself I’m mostly consumed by pop culture, sports and witty banter. There’s really not that much there. I can’t speak for my counterpart, but knowing myself is like knowing a movie character. There’s just not that much substance beyond my two-dimensional being—that is, besides an endless conversation about who would win in a fight; a Bengal tiger, a grizzly bear or a silverback gorilla with a baseball bat.

But I’m trying to change Ringo, I really am, and you guys caught me on a good day.

To this end, I’m visiting fifty-two psychics. Fifty-two people, who could, perhaps, explain an unintelligible world. Maybe they can tell me why I’m here. Maybe they can’t. As a cynic I look at them using their inner eye only in exchange for legal tender and I think it’s an abuse of power if they’ve got that inner eye or, worse, stealing if they do not. But, really, what’s the difference between them and a pastor who charges a tithe. Both are delivering peace of mind; one just gets tax breaks for it, you know. If a psychic provides me peace of mind at thirty-five dollars a visit then it’s a steal of a deal I say. To find true inner sanctum in a messed up world for the price of 35 dollars, well who wouldn’t shell out the dough for that kind of truthbomb?

I wondered upon entering Madame Katherine’s den, what I would be told. Would she open my eyes to the necessity of new experiences? Would she give me the strength to do the things I need to do by telling me something I already knew? Perhaps, I’ll walk the Earth…be a traveler, and experience and just go, go, go. Alas, snake oil salesmen come in many forms and I fear, one may have come to me in the form of a 65 year old woman who constantly answered her phone while surreptitiously looking at my palms. At least, they’re nice palms—the only pair I own, actually.

“Did I know that something was troubling me?” Oh, I had no idea Madame Katherine because I am not self-aware enough to know that like every human being there are things wrong. “Did I know that I’m going to be very successful?” Why no, I didn’t know that Madame, but I had been hoping to spend my last years on Earth wallowing in self-pity due to an unfulfilled life brought upon by my professional irresponsibility.

At this point, I can’t comment on a generalized set of problems that pervade psychics—I’ve only been to one—but I can speculate upon the profession a bit. My guess is that supposed legitimate psychics would claim that Madame Katherine is sullying their name by practicing without the inner eye. She is a snake oil salesmen they might say, and who knows, maybe they’re right. Maybe she is selling the emperor’s new clothes. But her problem isn’t necessarily that she can’t predict my future. I mean, half of predicting is asking questions, right? A person could take a look at me and see many things. She predicted I’d be successful. Well, why is that? When I walked into her den, I was wearing black work pants and a cashmere sweater. I was bathed, and my hair was coiffed. I’m white and skinny and about six feet tall and I speak intelligently when I choose to do so. Her job is to process this information. Could she know that I’m successful? No. But she could make an educated guess. When you add into this, the machine gun delivery of her “prophecies” and my yes or no answers to her questions, it allowed her to quickly whittle her guesses down from general to specific. And this is all fine. I don’t care that she tried to prophesy about me. It’s flattering. Really. Except that I don’t need to be told what I want to do in life. I already know that. My dreams are my dreams because they make me happy, and I don’t need to be told what makes me tick.

And that leads to the problem with Madame Katherine specifically. Why should I care to have her re-visit my past or tell me my future? These are things I either know or have a lot of influence over and it doesn’t interest me in the least either way. I’m interested in things I can’t control like, “Hey Katherine, how can we stop global warming or find Osama Bin Laden or help the Knicks win a basketball game?” These are things I’m interested in because these are things that are inherently interesting. When I ask her, “Why are we here,” why would I want her to comment on serendipity—our paths crossing for a reason— when she could be telling me that in June the Suns are going to win the championship and in betting on them now I’ll find meaning in life. That's information I can use. Alas, I learned nothing from Lady Katherine that I didn’t already know, and my eyes have not opened nor my soul split asunder.

Perhaps, I’m looking at this all wrong. Perhaps the fault does not lie with Katherine, but with myself. Perhaps, I have yet to open my own mind. But I can’t get over this sneaking suspicion that the world would be better off without her type of snake oil. Perhaps, instead, it is time for the Tralfamadorians to push the button. Well, apparently they can’t do so yet. One down, fifty-one to go. So it goes

Thoughts on New Awesome Websites/Videos

This week was a great week for doing nothing but being lazy around the internet. So here are my thoughts on some of this week’s best finds.

1. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com – Easily the best find this week, this site oversimplifies general things that white people prefer over other races. I find this hilarious because it has a more hipster/yuppie connotation, but did proceed to make me laugh out loud and tell some of my ethnic friends that they are, in fact, just white.
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2oPys_5iXc -- Sorry Barack, but they aren’t “just words”, they are a rebirth in plagiarism turned hilarious. "It's that little bitty 'kting' that makes it different." Sure it is...The video is posted above.
3. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com -- Enough said. This is the most descriptive name for a website you can waste 20 minutes on and giggle to yourself. Enjoy
4. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/lookalikes/ -- Doesn’t matter if you like soccer or not, this site derives its name from a classic and timeless chant which goes,

"Who ate all the pies?

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard

You fat bastard

You ate all the pies!”

As you might have noticed, this isn’t a complimentary chant, and is usually yelled at members of an opposing squad/fat guys in the stands. This site offers some of the goofiest “look alikes” (see page2 espn.com for others) and are pretty funny, even if you have no idea who the players/coaches are.

5. http://www.cracked.com/article_15899_20-tacky-religious-products-guaranteed-anger-god.html -- This is just funny to me because of #14. My brother has a Rock Band back home, and as the lead singer, I had to create a 6’8” black guy with an orange Flock of Seagulls’ haircut and an Abe Lincoln beard and named him “Chocolate Jesus”. Unfortunately, this character was deemed inappropriate for online play, but still provided hours of enjoyment, especially when I used the Scott Stapp voice(think lead singer of Creed) to do anything. This raised a dilemma in my mind though. What if a Hispanic kid bought an Xbox 360 and wanted to make his tag (his name) Killer(like “John Doe Killer” or “Stel Plakas Killer”), but his name was Jesús? Surely you can’t sign in to an online community with the name JesúsKiller, because that will arouse suspicion and piss people off. But it’s not like this kid meant any real harm by it. Damn, I feel bad for little Jesús, and whatever piss poor name he had to pick instead.
6. UPDATE!!!:: Two more genius threads for the day. www.barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com and www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com . Surprisingly simple, yet hilarious. My favorite is about Hilldog breaking up the no hitter because that bitch would do that.
   

Finally our girl of the day is Katie Price Jordan. I don't know who she is and I don't care.

Wait! you have a blog? What do you write about? Me?

Quick thoughts

1) If you don’t have a job how are you going to HOST me?

2) Senator, we need to start thinking about planning a trip for USC v OSU

3) Shaq looked good, the Suns looked good, I made a ton of money last night and I plan on making a ton more in June.

4) The fact someone was attempting to teach me how to use a number line makes me want to take a forever nap.

5) Armenian Food at the Farmers market is code for diarrhea. Double Deuce I would definitely choose to piss every single night.

6) Yesterday Double Deuce sent me this website. It was so good I sent it around to the other writers of LGTS and their response prompted me to send it to a good majority of my friends. Immediately the site was popping up in away messages and many people were discussing various entries on the blog. Everyone agreed that it was very well written and hilarious. That is the level I want LetsGoToSmokes.com to achieve. Double Deuce, Senator, Prolific we have a new goal!

7) Oh and if you like beer pong, I guess I can give an old school shout out to this site

8) You can fuck a lot of girls with coke.

Update

1) A quick comment without getting into the details of my night when someone of the opposite sexy says "Do anything" It almost assuredly means sexual favors, right? I mean, if a girl said she would do anything for me and I asked her to cook me a meal would she feel cheated? If I asked her to go to the zoo to pet the sea otters with me; wouldn't she be confused?

This confuses me, why do girls say "Do anything" when they just pretty much mean sexual favors? Is this some sort of Womanese to appear less slutty? JW investigate this for me.

2) The NBA landscape is now on fire! Trades galore! Right now I feel like we are in the old school era of the NBA where teams are made up of multiple "all-stars/ hall of famers" and the remaining teams are working with nothing in the present (cap space and picks) and trying to develop guys

Quick side rant has anyone ever been "developed" in the NBA? I cant think of many guys who have gotten substantially better over time, while I concede guys do improve, it seems that most great players display a glimpse of greatness from an early age.

I can't believe all of this is a reaction to the prank call Kupchak made to the Grizzlies.

"Kwame Brown for Pau Gasol" (snicker)

"Throw in a couple of draft picks and you got a deal"

(silence)

I am pretty sure it went down almost exactly like that.

3) Cp3 is so special

4) Best comment of the Lakers/ Suns game last night; Joel Myers (Apparently his kid works with Bigtime, see I am talking about you now) asked Mcnabb, "Back in the day when you were a little younger you could ball, can you still ball now? (he was referencing Mcnabb's basketball career at Syracuse)

Mcnabb clearly annoyed replied "I am still young"

It was amazing, I wonder if the Philadelphia radio shows are resetting that today for show fodder. Philadelphia Sports talk radio "365 days of Donavan Mcnabb" you gotta love it!

One last website for the LGTS faithful

District Deliberations: Political Nonsensicals

McCain won Washington and Wisconsin to make his push for the nomination that much closer. Obama dominated Hawai’i and took down Wisconsin as well, infuriating Hillary further. Now for the juicy stuff…

Obama’s wife made a statement this week (actual quote, "People in this country are ready for change, and hungry for a different kind of politics. And let me tell you something, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.") which has been horribly misconstrued. Needless to say everyone and their mother has released their interpretation of what this means, many calling her un-patriotic and un-American. I think she just meant to say that she’s proud of her country now because more people are hopeful for a better future. But my favorite news medium, Fox, went on to criticize her saying that this country has been through so much since she’s been alive, even detailing a timeline, starting with the Civil Rights Movement leading up to the modern computer era, about things she should be proud of America for. Fox News also asked her what her favorite color was, and when she responded green, Fox News said, "Oh yeah? Well, mine's America, so fuck you!" (disclaimer: didn't actually happen, but my favorite color is America, so fuck you) Seriously, Fox News has nothing better to do, but Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (yes that’s her real name) should watch what she says, knowing that pundits will dissect her and make her look foolish every damn time without fail. Also this led to a bunch of superfluous “I’m proud of’s” by the McCains. My new solution to this issue would be to have the world’s first “Proud Off” between the candidates, with nothing to gain but pride…gay pride.

Now this may seem like “just words” (apparently that’s what Obama is running on, so kudos to that, whatever it means) but Hillary’s staff has somewhat released a plan to try to win delegates by fighting for those already supporting Obama and Edwards. I don’t know how you win pledged delegates, or if you can really, but that’s Hillary’s new plan…well that and tattling on everything Obama does (see “just words" link). So while many feel this race is getting more and more exciting, I think its getting catty and boring. The new “realization” that political writers have been documenting is that the Democratic Party is the party of change, and while Hillary has been endorsing herself as a pioneer of change, and one who has fought for it for a long time, she’s starting to realize, as well as the American public, that she isn’t change; she is the same old story.

But for a new scandalous story, the NYTimes is reporting possible infidelity in McCain’s campaign. Apparently the presidential hopeful might have a thing for a saucy little lobbyist, but the entire thing appears to be false, as nothing can be confirmed. However, McCain’s campaign managers are allegedly keeping her away from the candidate, and admonishing all claims, even calling out the Times for reporting this as news. Eh, whatever, it’s been a while since there was any kind of sweet sex scandal in Washington (too soon?) and at least this chick is hotter than anyone Bubba put his wang in.

Today’s saucy little minx is Sarah Harding. She sings…or something?

shout out to Dhaka, Bangladesh

Question That Need to be Asked Lest the World Never Find the Answers

The following all comes from a conversation in a car. Don't read ahead if, at this very moment, you are eating.

Would you have sex with Martina Navratilova or Barbara Walters? You have to pick one. If you don’t answer Babs I don’t what to say. First of all, to my knowledge, Babs is straight, but I think Ryan puts it best, “At least every time you saw her on TV doing a story you could say ‘I had sex with her,’ and laugh at the horrified looks on your buddies’ faces.”
This probably has a deeper meaning. Maybe it speaks to the male goal of sleeping with the entire female portion of our species or maybe it doesn’t. I think Freud or Jung could figure it out, but then again they’d probably just tell me what I already know. In the words of Jesse Spano, “I’m a P-I-G....PIG!”

Okay, the Martina/Babs question came from some book we stole from one of our hosts to pass the time, but most of the questions really weren’t very good so we started coming up with our own. AND Trevor came up with one of the most brilliant queries I have ever had the pleasure of arguing about….

Trevor- Okay, okay I got one, “Would you rather piss your bed every night….
Ryan- What the fuck man…
Austin- …. Yeah, don’t you pretty much do that whenever you get drunk anyway??
Trevor- Hold on guys—and not for a while asshole—“or would you rather shit yourself once a week but totally indiscriminately.
Ryan and Austin- You mean like, we wouldn’t know when it was going to happen
Trevor- Yeah, that’s it.
(Silence and Contemplation)….
.
.
.

(More of the Same)
.
.
Ryan- I’d piss myself every night.
Austin- What????? No way
Trevor- Yeah, so would I….Austin you’d rather shit yourself indiscriminately?
Ryan- That’s maybe the grossest thing I’ve ever heard…
Austin- Wait, you’re peeing on yourself every night, without fail, and I’m gross…
Ryan- Well, at least you could hide the urination from everyone else in your life…Only your wife would have to know…
Trev-…And you could set up for it….I think you could purchase like linoleum sheets or something
Austin-But you’re still constantly peeing on yourself….I’d rather shit myself once and get it over with…
Ryan-What if you’re out on a date and then it just happens….You have no control over it
Austin- Yeah , but what if a date goes well and you end up having sex, but lets say you were drunk so afterwards you fell asleep and then you just peed all over the girl
Trevor- You could just claim you pissed because of the alcohol…
(Trevor is rudely interrupted by Austin)
Austin- Yeah, Because that would be way better…Hey baby we only hooked up because I was so ridiculously intoxicated that I couldn’t imagine going through the whole “getting up to go to the toilet process….”
Trevor- …Plus urine is sterile…You could drink it
Ryan and Austin- What?
Trev- Forget I said that
Austin- Okay think about it this way…Trevor its like a normal curve of shitting right?.…I mean, like, it’s a totally random variable—the shitting I mean….
Trevor- Yeah
Austin- All right, so if you sleep eight hours a night, there is a one third chance every week that you will shit yourself once at night, which isn’t really a big deal because you’d be urinating all over yourself anyway…
Ryan- Okay so what if it happens at work…
Austin- I thought about that…I’d wear Depends to work every Monday through whenever it was that I defecated randomly then I’d switch back to the old boxer’s….The worst time would obviously be when you were out, but I’d just always have an extra pair of slacks. Plus, if Friday came around and I hadn’t shit myself yet, I just wouldn’t go out…If I had a girlfriend I’d ask her to stay in for a movie or, you know, wallow in my own self-pity caused by this inexplicable shitting disease.
Ryan- All right I can see it, but I’d still want to just pee every night…I’d have my wife sleep in another bed or maybe I could marry a urophiliac (He really said this)…I’m not really sure yet
Austin- I guess I could marry a poo-lover, what’s that called again?
Ryan- A coprophiliac….
Austin- Yeah…That’d be weird though…
Trevor- I can’t imagine someone who liked to be shit on or peed on could be classified as normal or someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with…
Ryan and Austin- Yeah, I guess you’re right
Trevor- Anyone hungry?

Big News Day!!!

So starting of the morning would be the huge announcement that Fidel Castro has resigned from his position as the “President” of Cuba. This marks the end of one of the longest tenures in power in the history of the world, especially in that of a communist nation. His kid brother, a young whippersnapper at 76, Raúl, will assume power, with no clear cut choice for VP. This is a serious crossroads for Cuba, as now it is on its own, without the whim and leadership of Fidel, a concept that many Cubans have never experienced. I’m looking forward to this ending the embargo, so that I can buy some Montecristos and Cohibas at my local cigar shop…err… for less than they cost now.

Pakistan’s civilian government elections voted against President Musharraf’s party this week, which means a transition in government over there. This is good because Bhutto’s widower (representing the People’s Party, generally pro-USA) have opted to take their fight against religious terrorists on their own shoulders, not involving United States help. This is good because it shows we absolutely don’t need to police the world, and if these people like us and want to do the job, more power to them. Pakistan is one of those nations that is generally kind of scary, but this should settle everyone a bit. However, I must say it is hard to be afraid of a nation whose national sports are Cricket and Kabaddi, which is an elaborate form of shirtless slap tag. Honestly the dumbest thing I’ve ever watched.

Dwight Howard won the dunk contest (called it Chiggy). As for the rest of the All Star weekend, I didn’t pay any attention to the game, but Bill Simmons made sure to give a resoundingly heartfelt story about how great the NBA is, (I particularly liked when he quoted "Keep ya Head Up" while spilling sugar all over himself). I swear this guy is Rick Reilly, if Rick Reilly sucked. He went on about how New Orleans is better than ever (bullshit) and how the NBA has less thugs than the NFL (no shit, there are like 100 players in the NBA) and I don't understand why this guy gets paid what he does. Check your facts BS.

Hillary's campaign has thrown accusations of plagiarism at Obama for quoting what appears to be a speech given by Deval Patrick, governor of Massachusetts. Obama writes most of his own stuff, and if he sampled some of Patrick's work, it doesn't change his message. This to me is a sign of desperation in Hillary's camp, because really? Is that all ya got?You better bring it to Ohio and Texas otherwise you'll be {deleted due to plagiarism from popular songs by Aerosmith, Fleetwood Mac, and the Gap Band}

But in news that makes everyone happy (yes, even me) NY Magazine has reproduced Marilyn Monroe’s “legendary last (nude) photo shoot”…with Lindsay Lohan. I’m not even putting a picture at the bottom of this post. Enjoy.