He Looks Like The Guy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbnwir88g_4

He totally looks like the guy that would brag about his tomatoes!

District Deliberations: On Today

Hey,

So today I read this whole big article and I realized something: Ron Paul would make a really good president. His entire philosophy on immigration, abortion, and a return to the Gold standard as a unit of measurement for currency actually makes a whole lot of sense. If you really put it in perspective, he could bring us back to the days where the dollar was worth a fortune, circa the Jimmy Carter presidency (one of, if not the, greatest president). Also, given his stature, it is hard to say any country or terrorist organization would want to try anything against us. It would be like picking a fight with Napoleon in his prime.

Also, reading ESPN today, it seemed as if the Knicks want to hang on to Isiah Thomas for another year. I think this is a smart move because, despite some of his minor mishaps, he’s put together a multi-million dollar roster full of talent. Once they get their chemistry figured out, they will be unstoppable. Mark my words, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph will go down as one of the best big duos in basketball since Duncan-Robinson.

I also put down 500$ today for OSU to destroy USC at the Coliseum this fall. USC just doesn’t have enough talent to compete with BIG 10 speed. Watch it, Trojans, and GO BUCKEYES!

Also, I actually had an opportunity to read some texts on the basis of Scientology, and the verdict is in. It’s actually pretty sweet. I was captivated by all of it. I strongly urge anyone that may read this to do some research. There has to be a reason so much of Hollywood is onto this. I mean after all, Hollywood is full of some of the most reasonable thinkers that humankind possesses. All hail Tom Cruise.

Ok, this is getting to be a bit much even for me, but I’ll end with this.

District Deliberations: On Current Happenings

Ok, so I’ve been a degenerate and haven’t blogged in a year, so here are my thoughts on the current state of the world.

Elliot Spitzer got ripped off. He way overpaid for that jersey trash. $80,000, really? That girl was worth maybe a six pack of Mike’s at the shore. My favorite is that she was also on Girl’s Gone Wild. Spitzer is such a douche, and to make matters worse, this chick is going to get rich off of the situation. She will go on a book tour, release an album, and do talk shows. Finally though, someone will realize she’s just Jersey trash, and that’ll be the end of her. Fucking Spitzer.

In Politics, the next president will be a liberal…and here’s why. ALL THREE CANDIDATES ARE LIBERAL. So for every democrat that rules out McCain for having the Republican tag, get used to your new president, because it’s going to happen. While Democrats battle over a white man and a black woman (that’s right I said it, Obama’s a sensitive guy) instead of uniting to fight McCain like they should, Johnny Mac sits there and does what he pleases. Many independents and conservative Democrats have marked their support for the Senator after his speech last week. The Conservative Right isn’t going anywhere, which should put McCain at like 60% favored in the polls. So barring an actual sex scandal, (nice going NYTimes) there’s not much else to do but plan the inaugural ball. Now before people chew this out, let me level with you. For those who think he’s the second coming of W, he’s not. For those afraid of his social issues, he’s opposed to the appeal of Roe v. Wade, and supports Stem Cell Research. For those who think his stance on the war is wrong… He’ll be the most likely to successfully get us out of Iraq, and let me remind you that Hilldog voted for the war, and though Obama opposed it, he couldn’t actually vote against it (he wasn’t a senator when the vote took place). Saying you don’t want the war, and having the wherewithal to actually do something about it are two different things. Fuck Illinois’ state senate. Finally, McCain was mentioned heavily as a favorite to be John Kerry’s VP in 2004. That dope is as liberal as they come. So that’s it. PS Al Gore will not be the next president, but that goofy bastard will have a huge say in the democratic nominee. That in itself is an inconvenient truth. (see what I did there?)

Fuck Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan. That being said, who cares if they support Obama. Look at the idiots that support McCain and Hillary. Anyone who thinks that Obama has been indoctrinated with all this hate is retarded. My take is that it’s a creative way to reevaluate racism in the country. Southern bigots (FoxNews) have been pissed since Jim Crow was repealed and finally feel ashamed for being terrible people. So finally when the black community gets an enthusiastic and positive leader, who has a racist preacher, the ex-bigot group is going to act all offended and play the victim. I call bullshit. Obama has been criticized for this for too long and in the end it doesn’t matter. (also McCain supported Obama’s support of his preacher, furthering the homogeny of all the candidates). However, Hilldog’s claims that she landed amidst sniper fire in Bosnia is hilarious. She will also be the next president, end the war, feed all the children, and not be such a horrible liar. Fuck you Hillary, yet again.

And now, everyone’s favorite hooker.

and look at that come hither look. Doesn't it just say, "pay me for sex?"

District Deliberations: I'm Slacking...I Know

I’m Slacking!!!!!

Ok so plenty to catch up on, and most likely I’m out of date, but here’s what I thought was important this week:

1. Tina Fey on SNL- bitches do the best work. Sorry Tina. I like your show, but fuck that, and hilldog btw. This woman is a bitch, but it doesn't does not mean that she’s going to run the country well. In addition, everyone has said that Bill will have too much influence on the White House. Though speculated not to be such a bad thing, because 2 smart people working together can’t be worse than one, you’re wrong. Bill has been a detriment to Hillary’s campaign, and the guy will not help out in the White House. The major issue is the war. Bill demilitarized this country. Hilldog voted for the war. Think that’ll make for some nice pillow talk? Stick to comedy Tina, because your Hillary endorsement was a fucking joke.
2. Beat up on Obama – That’s about enough. I’m not endorsing Obama, but the guy has done nothing wrong and he’s taking shit from everyone. Some douche kept referring to his middle name “Hussein” and tried to make the comparison to Sadaam. Hillary’s been calling him out in every way she can. The Conservative media has criticized him for being endorsed by Farrakhan. The other media thinks nobody wants to hurt his feelings and is tossing him softballs. Fuck that. Obama is doing everything right. He is winning support because of his character, i.e. not mudslinging. Sorry Hillary, but finding this, isn’t going to hurt Barack. He was showing respect for a different culture, something you wouldn’t know anything about. You can't fault him for being supported by unsavory people. Numerous politicians have been endorsed by creeps. Also, you have a mullet Hilldog. Pack it in, yer done.
3. John McCain- Way to hold the fort dude. He condemned some dude for mocking Barack and took whatever heat he got with character and fortitude. Way to be Johnny Mac.
4. I had a cigar and a drink with the Governator the other night. Rarely am I starstruck, but Arnold is the man. Dude is still huge, he can hold a crowd and smoke a huge stogie, all without speaking a word of intelligible English. Truly the best Democratic governor in the nation. (that's a joke)
   
5. NHL news- Trade deadline was ridiculous this week. Mike Richards went to Dallas. Marian Hossa went to the already deep Penguins. The Caps got Fedorov. And the Rangers did jack shit. Truly this trade deadline made for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer in the NHL. Look for some fireworks for the end of the year.
6. Soccer is relevant! Tottenham Hotspur won the Carling Cup (English League Cup) to win the first trophy for the year. Arsenal striker Eduardo Da Silva may never be the same again (caution: video is gruesome). Internazionale tied Roma today, essentially guaranteeing them the Scudetto (Italian league) this year. All of this is so much more exciting than pitchers and catchers reporting, but still the Mets got Johan Santana.
7. I started a new job this week. I’ll be blogging but at a far lesser pace than the past month. I got some good stories in the works too. Getcha popcorn ready.

Finally, remember the good old days?

Thoughts on New Awesome Websites/Videos

This week was a great week for doing nothing but being lazy around the internet. So here are my thoughts on some of this week’s best finds.

1. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com – Easily the best find this week, this site oversimplifies general things that white people prefer over other races. I find this hilarious because it has a more hipster/yuppie connotation, but did proceed to make me laugh out loud and tell some of my ethnic friends that they are, in fact, just white.
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2oPys_5iXc -- Sorry Barack, but they aren’t “just words”, they are a rebirth in plagiarism turned hilarious. "It's that little bitty 'kting' that makes it different." Sure it is...The video is posted above.
3. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com -- Enough said. This is the most descriptive name for a website you can waste 20 minutes on and giggle to yourself. Enjoy
4. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/lookalikes/ -- Doesn’t matter if you like soccer or not, this site derives its name from a classic and timeless chant which goes,

"Who ate all the pies?

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard

You fat bastard

You ate all the pies!”

As you might have noticed, this isn’t a complimentary chant, and is usually yelled at members of an opposing squad/fat guys in the stands. This site offers some of the goofiest “look alikes” (see page2 espn.com for others) and are pretty funny, even if you have no idea who the players/coaches are.

5. http://www.cracked.com/article_15899_20-tacky-religious-products-guaranteed-anger-god.html -- This is just funny to me because of #14. My brother has a Rock Band back home, and as the lead singer, I had to create a 6’8” black guy with an orange Flock of Seagulls’ haircut and an Abe Lincoln beard and named him “Chocolate Jesus”. Unfortunately, this character was deemed inappropriate for online play, but still provided hours of enjoyment, especially when I used the Scott Stapp voice(think lead singer of Creed) to do anything. This raised a dilemma in my mind though. What if a Hispanic kid bought an Xbox 360 and wanted to make his tag (his name) Killer(like “John Doe Killer” or “Stel Plakas Killer”), but his name was Jesús? Surely you can’t sign in to an online community with the name JesúsKiller, because that will arouse suspicion and piss people off. But it’s not like this kid meant any real harm by it. Damn, I feel bad for little Jesús, and whatever piss poor name he had to pick instead.
6. UPDATE!!!:: Two more genius threads for the day. www.barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com and www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com . Surprisingly simple, yet hilarious. My favorite is about Hilldog breaking up the no hitter because that bitch would do that.
   

Finally our girl of the day is Katie Price Jordan. I don't know who she is and I don't care.

District Deliberations: Political Nonsensicals

McCain won Washington and Wisconsin to make his push for the nomination that much closer. Obama dominated Hawai’i and took down Wisconsin as well, infuriating Hillary further. Now for the juicy stuff…

Obama’s wife made a statement this week (actual quote, "People in this country are ready for change, and hungry for a different kind of politics. And let me tell you something, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.") which has been horribly misconstrued. Needless to say everyone and their mother has released their interpretation of what this means, many calling her un-patriotic and un-American. I think she just meant to say that she’s proud of her country now because more people are hopeful for a better future. But my favorite news medium, Fox, went on to criticize her saying that this country has been through so much since she’s been alive, even detailing a timeline, starting with the Civil Rights Movement leading up to the modern computer era, about things she should be proud of America for. Fox News also asked her what her favorite color was, and when she responded green, Fox News said, "Oh yeah? Well, mine's America, so fuck you!" (disclaimer: didn't actually happen, but my favorite color is America, so fuck you) Seriously, Fox News has nothing better to do, but Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (yes that’s her real name) should watch what she says, knowing that pundits will dissect her and make her look foolish every damn time without fail. Also this led to a bunch of superfluous “I’m proud of’s” by the McCains. My new solution to this issue would be to have the world’s first “Proud Off” between the candidates, with nothing to gain but pride…gay pride.

Now this may seem like “just words” (apparently that’s what Obama is running on, so kudos to that, whatever it means) but Hillary’s staff has somewhat released a plan to try to win delegates by fighting for those already supporting Obama and Edwards. I don’t know how you win pledged delegates, or if you can really, but that’s Hillary’s new plan…well that and tattling on everything Obama does (see “just words" link). So while many feel this race is getting more and more exciting, I think its getting catty and boring. The new “realization” that political writers have been documenting is that the Democratic Party is the party of change, and while Hillary has been endorsing herself as a pioneer of change, and one who has fought for it for a long time, she’s starting to realize, as well as the American public, that she isn’t change; she is the same old story.

But for a new scandalous story, the NYTimes is reporting possible infidelity in McCain’s campaign. Apparently the presidential hopeful might have a thing for a saucy little lobbyist, but the entire thing appears to be false, as nothing can be confirmed. However, McCain’s campaign managers are allegedly keeping her away from the candidate, and admonishing all claims, even calling out the Times for reporting this as news. Eh, whatever, it’s been a while since there was any kind of sweet sex scandal in Washington (too soon?) and at least this chick is hotter than anyone Bubba put his wang in.

Today’s saucy little minx is Sarah Harding. She sings…or something?

shout out to Dhaka, Bangladesh

Big News Day!!!

So starting of the morning would be the huge announcement that Fidel Castro has resigned from his position as the “President” of Cuba. This marks the end of one of the longest tenures in power in the history of the world, especially in that of a communist nation. His kid brother, a young whippersnapper at 76, Raúl, will assume power, with no clear cut choice for VP. This is a serious crossroads for Cuba, as now it is on its own, without the whim and leadership of Fidel, a concept that many Cubans have never experienced. I’m looking forward to this ending the embargo, so that I can buy some Montecristos and Cohibas at my local cigar shop…err… for less than they cost now.

Pakistan’s civilian government elections voted against President Musharraf’s party this week, which means a transition in government over there. This is good because Bhutto’s widower (representing the People’s Party, generally pro-USA) have opted to take their fight against religious terrorists on their own shoulders, not involving United States help. This is good because it shows we absolutely don’t need to police the world, and if these people like us and want to do the job, more power to them. Pakistan is one of those nations that is generally kind of scary, but this should settle everyone a bit. However, I must say it is hard to be afraid of a nation whose national sports are Cricket and Kabaddi, which is an elaborate form of shirtless slap tag. Honestly the dumbest thing I’ve ever watched.

Dwight Howard won the dunk contest (called it Chiggy). As for the rest of the All Star weekend, I didn’t pay any attention to the game, but Bill Simmons made sure to give a resoundingly heartfelt story about how great the NBA is, (I particularly liked when he quoted "Keep ya Head Up" while spilling sugar all over himself). I swear this guy is Rick Reilly, if Rick Reilly sucked. He went on about how New Orleans is better than ever (bullshit) and how the NBA has less thugs than the NFL (no shit, there are like 100 players in the NBA) and I don't understand why this guy gets paid what he does. Check your facts BS.

Hillary's campaign has thrown accusations of plagiarism at Obama for quoting what appears to be a speech given by Deval Patrick, governor of Massachusetts. Obama writes most of his own stuff, and if he sampled some of Patrick's work, it doesn't change his message. This to me is a sign of desperation in Hillary's camp, because really? Is that all ya got?You better bring it to Ohio and Texas otherwise you'll be {deleted due to plagiarism from popular songs by Aerosmith, Fleetwood Mac, and the Gap Band}

But in news that makes everyone happy (yes, even me) NY Magazine has reproduced Marilyn Monroe’s “legendary last (nude) photo shoot”…with Lindsay Lohan. I’m not even putting a picture at the bottom of this post. Enjoy.

District Deliberations: More Winners & Losers

Losers:

The Patriots – I know this is beating a dead horse, but this article from CNN today stated that they tried to patent the phrases “19-0” and “19-0 Perfect Season”. When asked for a comment, I said, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck New England!” bELIeve.

Jason Kidd – This poor guy has been trying to get out of New Jersey since he started beating his wife (coincidence?) and unfortunately, some scrub, Devean Green, had a clause in his contract that would allow him to block a trade if he didn’t like it. This dude exercised it, and now Kidd is stuck with the Nets. Sorry Jason.

Paris Hilton/Hottie and the Nottie – Paris Hilton’s movie was released this past week to rave reviews…Just kidding. Several sources have officially labeled this the worst movie ever. This is tough to do. Imagine all the Bio-domes, Farce of the Penguins, and Date Movies there are out there… and this tops them all. It grossed approximately 250$ per theater it was released in (roughly 30 spectators) and has been recently given the lowest possible rating on IMDB.com. It finished lower than “Car 54, Where Are You?” which had Rosie O’Donnell as the sexy wife (ugh). Also the co-star in this film is not that ugly (I also could have found a better picture, but hey sideboob, right?). Yet it looked like they beat her with leprocy, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t take that much effort to make the “hottie” attractive. But then hey, it’s Paris Hilton, she looks like Squidward, so fuck her.

Roger Clemens- The Rocket’s testimony before congress has been nothing short of entertaining at least. There have been a number of bizarre statements made by everyone testifying, but the best has been rodent-like Congressman Waxman telling Roger when its his turn to talk or not. Basically Roger is getting caught lying, and will face criminal charges for perjury after this is all over. Also, McNamee confessed to injecting Clemens’ wife. Sucks to be the Rocket.

Indiana- The IU basketball program has been under some heat recently following Coach Sampson’s recruiting controversy. This is a blow to the program that really hasn’t been good or interesting since Bobby Knight was there throwing chairs around. Indiana Congressman Dan Burton has been a big Roger Clemens supporter at his hearing this week, spawning a number of investigative articles about his reputation. Needless today, like many politicians, he kinda sucks. (this article has a nice laundry list) This is all in addition to the fact that the Colts got knocked out of the playoffs by Phillip Rivers, the Pacers suck, and Charlie Weis has shown how great Notre Dame really is with an unbelievably subpar season. Jim Gaffigan put it best when he said, "I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana...Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move." Also, what the fuck is a Hoosier? (Don’t answer, I don’t care)

Winners

John McCain – McCain swept the Potomac Primaries this week, giving him a hefty lead for the Republican nomination. Furthermore, Romney has thrown all his support behind McCain, for whatever reason, and it looks like he officially made it back from the depths uncertainty. Kudos.

Uno The Beagle – Uno is the first beagle ever to win the top prize at the Westminster Kennel Club. Other than this being news, who cares?

Obama- Barack also swept the Potomac Primaries this week, causing Hillary to freak out and fire some more of her staff. This puts him in the lead for the Democratic nomination. Big Unions are supporting him, and the country is starting to believe it when he says, “Yes We Can”, which is cool and all, but the music video blows. All he really has to do now is gain the support of the Superdelegates, and hope that Hillary hasn’t poisoned them already.

Eric Bana – This dude was the Hulk, Hector of Troy, and that badass in Munich, but nothing will shine like the fact that he got to fuck around with Scarlette Jo and Natalie Portman in The Other Boleyn Girl. This movie, which is also slated to be awesome (review done by me, being a history nerd) and will portray the time period mentioned in this year’s season of “The Tudors” and should follow until at least Anne’s beheading. I’m sure we can all say, “you lucky son of a bitch, Eric Bana”, in anticipation of this film’s release.

The Writer’s Union/America – Finally that Godforsaken strike is over. The writer’s union got a new deal though that gives them royalties from everything that is bought and sold on the internet with their name on it. Now we can stop watching reruns and I can see a new episode of “The Office”. Moreover, though pessimistic, we are at least getting something out of this season of shows, and that’s something to look forward to.

Another big winner this week... Anyone who got the SI Swimsuit Edition. Tori Praver is awesome... Shout Outs to our friends in Oulu, Finland, and Varna, Bulgaria.

District Deliberations: Primary and Roger Dodger Edition

Whoo Boy do we have something to discuss. I mean, with all that’s been going on the past two days, Clemens in Congress, the Potomac Primaries, et al, can you believe that the Beagle won the Dog Show?! My God!

Just kidding. Ok, in real news, Roger Clemens has been testifying before Congress the past two days, and (from experience) I know the hill has been just a zoo. The best part about this whole thing is that Congress has outright said that Clemens is lying to them (perhaps in an attempt to convince him not commit any more perjury than he already has). However, Clemens is continuing to testify that he never did anything wrong. This is unbelievable because Clemens will face jail time if convicted of lying to Congress, yet he’s maintaining his story despite the mountains of evidence placed against him. It takes a certain kind of person to be that forthright, whether or not he’s innocent. Also, this has been fun to watch because I rest assured that every time Congressman Waxman tells Roger to be quiet or stop talking out of turn, Clemens gets all red in the face, probably wanting to do this to him.

A homosexual man in Columbus, Ohio is claiming that he was harassed on New Year’s Day by Cleveland Browns' Quarterback, Brady Quinn. Police were involved, but no charges were pressed. I really don’t care that this is news because I feel like it is a poor attempt by Brady to gain a public advantage on Derek Anderson, who has gained popularity for simply knowing Sara-Jean Underwood (oh and making that Pro-Bowl jammy). In addition, having been to Ohio, I know that nothing excites a Ohio resident more than a hot naked chick than some good ole’ fashion gay bashing.

As for the Potomac Primaries…WOW. After firing her Campaign Manager, HillDog expected at least some return in the three primaries held yesterday. WRONG. 08ama swept the primaries handedly, including several demographics Hillary has depended on, namely Women, Latinos, and Blue-collar workers. This is huge because Hillary is starting to run out of options. The big 4 that are left are North Carolina, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Ohio, and if Hillary can’t muster enough support there, it’s over. This is also a shock because I feel, unlike Hillary’s campaign, 08ama has a few tricks up his sleeve yet (Edwards, and maybe even Gore). On the other side of the Campaign, McCain swept the Potomac too, but it was closer than he would have liked it to have been. This is due to the support of Evangelicals and Born-Again Christians to Huckabee’s cause, but who cares. It’s not like those people are going to vote for a female or a Negro anyways, I tells ya. Ron Paul wandered into the primaries continuing to trail behind people who aren’t running anymore, which led me to believe that Keebler needs to do a better job locking up their elves.

Presidential Predictions!

If Obama wins the nomination/gets Edwards as a running mate, there is our next president. However, if HillDog manages some kind of miracle comeback, which we’ve never seen before, she’ll still get stomped in the election because ¾ of the nation hates her. Let’s be serious, the only reason she’s tied with Obama is because half the Democrats like her. If she gets the nomination, look for that other half to go the way of the independent and vote for the moderate McCain. Just for the record, its not that America isn’t ready for a woman president, Hillary just isn’t that woman.

But, on the topic of women, and the SI Swimsuit Issue release, here's cover girl Marissa Miller, the only reason I have an iPod...

Sports News Weekend Roundup

This weekend was surprisingly violent in sports, especially hockey. The Rangers and Flyers beat the hell out of each other, with the Rangers finishing on top, and more importantly, nearly killed the referee. Florida Panther, Richard Zednik, is in stable condition today after a teammate, Olli Jokinen, slit his throat with a skate. This happens approximately once every 20 years, and is always horribly addictive to watch. I have to give a ton of credit to anyone who is an EMT at both respective arenas, in that they both did a great, quick, and efficient job on these guys, and we wish them a speedy recovery. So, thank God for those EMTs.

In some other remarkable displays of sportsmanship, Real Madrid beat Valladolid 7-0. Many say this is backlash because they lost last week. I think this is unnecessary. Brian McNamee, the trainer who is linked with all the Roger Clemens controversy, has admitted injecting Roger Clemens’ wife with HGH. This proves that if McNamee wasn’t lying about “injecting Clemens”, he should have at least been asked to clarify which one.

Now I know I have been critical of Tiki this past week, but thankfully I can say I jumped the gun way too soon. For it is because of Tiki’s ranting and raving and complaining that the Giants won the Super Bowl! If it wasn't for him, they never would have had the courage and ability to overcome his scathing remarks and find themselves as the champions they are. Wow, what a selfless act of heroism, Tiki. You inspired me to call home and tell my brothers to kill themselves for being losers. Surely now they will become Olympic champions and Wall Street moguls. You truly are a king among men. Finally, in the most awesome display of poor losermanship, and crybabyosity, fans of the New England Patriots have started a petition online to Roger Goodell to review the last 1:40 of the Super Bowl, claiming that the clock was severely mismanaged. Unfortunately for these naïve peoples, the clock was not mismanaged, the Giants had 3 time outs, and more importantly, there is no filter or limit to who or what anyone can write. Check the signatures for some good old fashion Pat hating. Smoke’s Girl was asked where her signature was, but declined to comment…post.

And for no good reason…Jessica Alba! Have a good day everyone and Shout Outs to our friends in Katowice, Poland; Carvin, France; and of course Philadelphia.

Happy Trails Quittin' Mittens, Howdy Republican Nominee John McCain

So Mittens called it quits today…err…not quits, but he’s “suspending his campaign”. This is a brash move by the Stormin’ Mormon of politics. This says that he thinks he can garnish enough support to win, but not right now. So this means if McCain suddenly collapses (by Romney’s doing or not) he’s in, or this may just be a bid for a 2012 run. Either way, Romney has gained a lot of positive support today from the ultra conservative right (despite their mormon-hating-nazi-sympathizing opinions…just kidding!) because McCain has made himself present as a moderate. However, history has shown that moderates have not won/been effective as Republican Presidents. Those that have been elected have generally been considered way-right as well (see: Ronald Reagan, George W Bush). In all, I firmly believe that history repeats itself, but am open to new data with this upcoming election. Furthermore, this means that McCain will get the Republican nomination sometime in the next few hours. When asked for comment, McCain said, "BRING IT HILLDOG!" and then flexed and barked...

Shout out to Melbourne, Australia. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!!!!

District Deliberations: Winners & Losers (1=biggest)

Losers

10. Boston – Unfortunate to name a whole city as losers here, but they were just such heavy favorites and its Bahston. On many gambling sites, they were as much as a 14 point favorite against an unlikely Giants team. For them to lose by three, well they just suck, and the fact that many "grown men were crying" inside of many local Bahston bars and pubs only clarifies this further. The chants of “Yankees suck” and “Go Sawks” never stop, but they were in full force when the clock hit zero on Sunday. For this Bahston fricken sucks wihked haad.

9. Bill Simmons- a native Bostonian and overall pain in the ass. Simmons writes as if Boston itself is the second coming of Jesus. He had plans to party with Tom Brady after a win and already had his championship perfect season article written. He bought a new Randy Moss jersey to commemorate the occasion. But then his trip to Arizona turned unhappy, when that Giants team won.

8. Career Builder.com and Sales Genie.com- These were two of the worst ads during the big game. Career Builder showed a woman’s heart (I thought it was something else) jump out of her chest and quit. It was creepy, inartistic, and disturbing. Sales Genie is even worse. Their openly racist cartoons featuring an overworked Indian dude and a Chinese Panda succeeding because of this website was awful. Very poor taste, and stupid.

7. New England Patriots – THEY LOST. LOOOOOSERRS! Tedy Bruschi…LOSER. Tom Brady…LOSER. Bill Belichick…LOSER…Randy Moss…LOSER!!!!! 17-14=18-1=LOSER!

6. Fox Sports Football Robot - This thing got its ass kicked by Terminators... Sorry dude, YOU LOSE!

5. Kobe Bryant - Just when you thought you couldn't get rid of him... SHAQ's BACK. The over the hill 7'1" big man just got traded to the Suns for Marion, and now I think Shaq will only play, if for no other reason, just to piss off Kobe Bryant. To remind everyone of the history between them, Shaq and Kobe won a lot, then Shaq left, and then only Shaq won, while Kobe faced a sexual misconduct proceeding and allegations of ball-hoggery. Overall, he's had to deal with a lousy Lakers team that will only suffer more in the west now that the Big Aristotle is going to be philosophizing all over his ass/Big Baryshnikov will dance all over his ass/ Dr. Shaq will be doctoring him all over the floor.

4. Smoke's Girl- this is more of a tragic tale then calling her a loser. Smoke’s Girl originally from Stamford, CT. Smoke’s girl is one of the fifth of Americans who can’t locate New England on a world map. Mistakenly she believes shes from New York even though shes a native New Englander. When Plax scored the winning TD, she should have been devastated, but instead she became one of the many casualties of the border war. (I think she attempted to engage in a “back bump” with Emo). Also, she hasn't written for the blog in a while...Loser

3. Henry Clay - This dude lost the presidential election in 1832, 1840, 1844, and the nomination in 1848. He lost his first criminal case. He is often referred to as the "Great Compromiser", yet during his era, he was known as an "old mackerel at night" for his constant stinking and then shining. He tied a duel because his opponent didn't fire at him, but rather into the air, after Clay had already missed twice. During his 1844 campaign, the most successful anti-whig pamphlet produced was one entitled "21 Reasons Why Clay Should Not Be Elected". After he lost the nomination in 1848, he exclaimed "I'd rather be right than president" which has been a catchphrase for bitter losers since then.

2. Mitt Romney- Sucks to be this guy. He was winning in several states before supporters of McCain and Huckabee colluded to not let him win. In West Virginia, Romney was way ahead with the other two split. Then all the McCain people threw their support for Huckabee (who was marginally ahead of McCain) and BAM. The Huck wins the Western Virginia, and Mittens loses.

1. Tiki Barber. I ranted about this yesterday, but Tiki left at what was the prime of his career. He left a team that he thought lacked QB leadership. He criticized the coaches. But then the won the Super Bowl. Also the Barber Shop on Sirius sucks. He's a beat reporter for NBC and never has anything of value to say. In this interview, I thought he was about to cry... Sorry Tiki, you were great, but this week, you lose.

Winners

10. People in Animal Costumes – most unexpectedly funny commercial of the Super Bowl.

9. John McCain - He seems to be gaining even more support. Like ELI and the G-MEN he was left for dead when he had no campaign money and his highest staff members left. But now, people are conspiring against his biggest rival (see: Mittens) in order to help get him the nomination. Also he's a war hero and a proud American (play: Hulk Hogan theme music). Maybe our next president?

8. Mr. Met - The silent jovial face of the NY Mets organization. Born in 1963, he is believed to be the first MLB mascot to appear in a human(oid) form. His popularity became so great that he was given a family (Lady Met and several baseball headed children). He has won 2 world series championships with the team, and his number 00 was officially designated to him when Tony Clark switched his jersey number to 52 in order to honor Mr. Met's service to the team. He has appeared in numerous sketches on Conan and Sports Center. His face is on Mets' currency, and he was, this past year, inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame and a spokesmen for subway safety on MTA. Hats off to this ball-headed hero.

7. Stains – the best commercial of the Super Bowl because nobody had any idea what was going on until the product was displayed. It was also very reminiscent of Steve Carell in Bruce Almighty.

6. 1972 Dolphins…. Are allowed to keep popping that Champaign and Mercury Morris still maintains being relevant… this might have to go to the other column.

5. Bud Light- had some of the best ads in the Super Bowl, especially Will Ferrell playing Jackie Moon, the wine&cheese get together, and the Dr. Dolittle spoof (came out before the big game, but still funny)

4. Noe Burgos – He got wasted in a New York City the night of the biggest upset in recent history. (G-Men!)Rumor has it Mr. Burgos bought DNYGF-Q a drink and is also now the proud owner of an Eli jersey. He also excels in law school and enjoys long walks on the beach. bELIeve…Fo Sho.

3. New York - As a native New Yorker, anytime we beat Boston in anything is good, but winning the Super Bowl is great! The Mets got Johan Santana. The Proc is visiting. The Prolific resides here. All NY Teams that play outdoor sports are getting new stadiums. Bloomberg is the Mayor. Things are good in the big apple.

2. The New York Football Giants - THEY WON THE SUPERBOWL!

1. Eli Manning - AND HE IS THE MVP. After all this poor kid has been through with being nearly run out of town, inconsistent, and not an elite qb, Eli has shown through sheer gut, grits, and determination that he can lead a team to football's highest honor. Best of all, he did it with a smile! None of this Phillip Rivers gloating bullshit, Eli manning accomplished this through poise and fortitude. This dude is a rockstar and a great role model. He doesn't showboat; he doesn't let the media effect him; he just does his job...well. Kudos Eli, you rock.

And for no reason, everyone's favorite secretary, Pam Beasley, and the happy met couple...

Fuck You's

So since it took me 45 minutes to get to work this morning (accident and I live 2.5 miles away) I’m going to start off the day with a few Fuck You’s to everyone who needs to hear it.

1. Fuck You, New England Patriots Fans. No more of this 19-0 bullshit. No more perfect season. No more golden boy coming through in the clutch. Fuck you New England Patriots Fans.
2. Fuck You, pundits who try to say that the Patriots are a classy bunch of players. They’re cheaters. They’re performance enhancing pricks. They are not doing the world a great service by losing and sending their championship paraphernalia to different countries. Every team does that. Do not defend this team, they lost. Fuck you pundits who try to say that the Patriots are a classy bunch of players.
3. Fuck You, people who get hard for politics. Super Tuesday will never be better than the Super Bowl. I don’t get a half a second to revel in the Giants victory before all of this political bullshit gets shoved right down my throat. Fuck you people who get hard for politics.
4. Fuck You, Tiki Barber. What do you think of your former team now, you spotlight stealing cancer? This is the team that had no QB leadership. This is the team that had a hard-ass coach that couldn’t win the respect of his team. This is a team that was going to miss his ability to run and catch that they wouldn’t be able to win! Fuck you Tiki Barber.
5. Fuck You, Boston Herald. 19-0? You cocky sons of bitches. I hope that makes good tinder somewhere. Fuck You, Boston Herald.
6. Finally, Fuck You, Bill Simmons. Just because, you try to take the high road, when you knew when that clock struck zero all you were thinking was "Awww, fawk da Pats, Go Sawks!" just like every other Bostonian. This is because you can't pick games better than your wife. This is because you knew you had a championship article written like the Boston Herald had a book deal. Fuck you Bill Simmons.
   

Super Bowl

So if Hollywood is for attractive people and politics is the Hollywood for ugly people, what are sports the Hollywood of? Each of the former has their main event: The Academy Awards, the Elections. Yet still, neither of those rivals the yearly spectacle that is the Super Bowl. Nobody will pay 2.7million dollars for a 30 second spot for the Academy Awards. The only person I can think who’d spend that around an election is Mitt Romney (Ba-Zing!), but seriously this is a sports article today. In the years that Paul Tagliabue and Roger Goodell have been in charge of the NFL, football has displaced baseball as our modern “national pastime”. Nobody cares about the World Series anymore, yet on Sunday, millions, err billions, of viewers worldwide will unite in celebration of football…or to watch the commercials, but that’s a different pastime. This year is the pinnacle of the accomplishments of this league. Advertisements are costing an all-time high. The most viewers in the history of the world will be able to access the game. For those who care about the sport, a New England Patriots team will try to become the greatest team in the NFL completing the most perfect season in history. On the opposite side, a young Eli Manning, who has undoubtedly looked to be the sharpest quarterback in the NFL this offseason, is set to continue his family’s legacy of greatness following in his father, Archie, and brother, Peyton. Older brother Cooper lacks verifiable information, but may have been employee of the month at wherever he works for a significant time period. (way to go!) But enough of the surface detail…

The Patriots are the obvious favorite this weekend, yet lately they’ve proved to be vulnerable. They are banged up and on the news for it (see: Tom Brady’s foot/shoulder, Jabar Gaffney’s shoulder, et al). They’ve had difficulty stopping the run, as Chargers’ backup running backs, Michael Turner and Darren Sproles racked up almost 4.8 ypc. Yet despite this, they’ve been the most consistent team all year, and they are the best regular season team in the history of the sport. Their offense will be explosive, and pending a tragic accident, Tom Brady will play and lead this team. The Giants, however, are the hot team right now, and sometimes that’s all you need (see: 2006 Steelers, 2001 Ravens). They are banged up as well, missing valuable pieces Mathias Kiwanuka and perennial loudmouth, Jeremy Shockey, but their keys to success revolve around their ability to adapt to injuries. Kevin Boss has stepped up, in addition to rookie running back, Ahmad Bradshaw. Their defense has looked amazing, and they will use different schemes to rush Brady and get him unsettled. On offense, look for them to pound the ball against a Pats team that has done poorly against the run with Brandon Jacobs, and for a change of pace, they'll bring in Bradshaw. This should open up the pass game, especially young Eli’s play action. The Pats will need to find a way to stop the Giants’ run game and get to Eli. If they are able to give Brady some time, look for him to get the ball to Welker and Moss, much in the same way they abused a weaker Giants’ secondary in the last game. Since I am a gambling man, I will give you no predictions for the total outcome of the game. But as teasers…

Brady’s total completions Over 25 ½

Brady’s total TD’s Over 2 ½

Eli’s total TD’s Over 1 ½

Welker’s total REC over 7 ½

Giants +7 ½ …….for the first half…

That’s all I got. Happy Super Bowl Sunday! Let’s go Giants!

Lost _____________Lost



Definitely Lost_________Next?


Update:: In fact I am. If you are under the age of 13 and would like an invitation to this special Candy, Puppydogs, and Fireworks party held at the Chuckie Cheese, just shoot me an email, you cute commenting piece of jailbait. ;-)

District Deliberations: And Another Two Bite The Dust

Today, after losing tremendously after spending the most in Florida, Rudy Giuliani has resigned himself from the presidential race. This really doesn’t come as a surprise considering he was finishing behind (already) presidential dropout Fred Thompson. What is more shocking (not really) is that Democratic Bronze Medalist in most of the primaries, John Edwards is also expected to announce that he will drop his bid for the nomination later today. The difference between these two, disregarding both their audacity in maintaining their bid for presidency this far, is that Giuliani has endorsed McCain for president, whereas Edwards has not endorsed anyone, and probably won’t until Obama makes him his Vice-Presidential candidate. So, to all of those waiting for the remaining nominations, the choices are down to President McCain, President Obama, President Clinton, President Romney, President Paul (o0o0o alliterative!) or President Huckabee in no particular order (yeah, right Huckabee and Paul don't have a chance). But basically what this means now, is that the presidential race just got a bit more convoluted, and I just became that much less likely to vote. That and (and I don’t want to paraphrase South Park here but have to) the race has just narrowed itself down to either the choice of A) a giant douche, or B) a Turd Sandwich (yet again). I don’t want to predict bad things, now, but I feel like whomever the next president is, their legacy will be similar to Ike Eisenhower / Jimmy Carter, and the next president will be scapegoated until the next JFK / Reagan. So at least that’s something to look forward to, no?

Shout out to Vatican City today. Salve, meum amicum! Also Jessica Biel!

District Deliberations: On the State of the Union…address

Last night was the final time that George W. Bush will give a State of the Union address. This was met with much applause from most of the nation, and naps from most of congress (seriously everyone the camera panned to was passed out). Now Dubya, knowing full well he can put this in cruise control for the remainder of his term, set out to discuss many of his policies that everyone at the bar booed last night. He touched on “No Child Left Behind” as a “bipartisan victory” that in reality is just a lofty unreachable goal with its current organization. He talked of the success of the surge in Iraq that has mollified much of the daily violence that occurs. Antiquity will tell us if it’s true and was worth doing. In an almost scripted moment, the president talked of “nucular” energy, causing everyone to drink twice. He discussed a plan to cut taxes, especially for the rich, an idea that Democrats have been saying was ill advised for a long time because of the War and our rising National Debt (not to mention the special Fuck You! to the middle and lower classes). He didn’t really touch on immigration or the environment or China, all topics which were alleged to be addressed. He discussed how the economy is slowing, but that we will be able to be strong proud Americans in the near future. In all, despite how drunk we got, it was depressing, but hopeful in a way. History will not be kind to this presidency, and it will be marred with 9-11 and Iraq. However it is these events that makes the future more promising, as we as a nation need to recover from this low point. And much like a bad relationship, its just time to move on and find somebody new. I just hope as a nation we make a prudent decision, and don't settle for a sloppy rebound that gives us crabs.

UPDATE:: To those who may have been offended by the picture of John McCain asleep... This isn't the NY Times, it's a blog. I didn't call out McCain for falling asleep last year or this year. I said that there were a bunch of congressmen who appeared to be napping. I apologize if your favorite candidate just couldn't seem to stay awake and there are more images of him dozing during the first big speech of the year. Get your panties out of a bunch. For your enjoyment there is now also an image of John Dingell, asleep during the State of the Union last night.

The 1st District Deliberation

Today in politics

So, much to the disdain of Hillary Clinton, Ted, Patrick, and Caroline Kennedy all rallied today in support of Candidate Barack Obama for the 08 Democratic nomination. This comes as a shock as other members of the Kennedy family have explicitly held their support for Hilldog. However, being of a more liberal standing, and not wanting to see “Some er, uh, dumb broad run hir mowth”, Ted, Patches and Caroline specifically endorsed Obama, and in doing so fired back at every criticism Hillary has thrown at him. Needless to say, the speech was filled with a ton of JFK and RFK propaganda, as well as this group of “limousine liberals'” reiteration of their own progress for change and hope and blah blah blah who gives a fuck. Honestly, I never see the point in endorsing a candidate for the nomination unless you have something to gain. If you’re endorsing a specific democrat, its highly unlikely if that candidate doesn’t get a nomination that you’re gonna vote republican. Am I right? For the Kennedys this seemed a bit more opportunistic for them in that they are either getting cabinet positions or deliberately using Obama to fuck with Hillary(more likely) Also, while this does stick it to Hillary, Teddy Kennedy explicitly said in his speech that this does not take away from his opinion of his friends (hilldog and blinky) and how he just hopes for a democrat to win in 08. (cough::you're so full of shit::cough)

Well there it is. Obama has officially been endorsed by a murderer and another threat to anyone driving after happy hour. (I’ve no beef with sweet Caroline) And while I feel this could be a good move because the Kennedys are still America’s royal family and people love them, despite 20 years of the Clinton-Bush monarchy, I think this is more beneficial to their interests then Barack. While he gains some big name support, I think they are sucking at his youth to try and keep themselves hip and politically active for another 20 years. In addition, Kennedy’s admission of his support for a democratic presidency whether or not Obama is there is also a bit sketchy. So to summarize the entire point of today’s exercise in endorsements, I’ll go with, “Fuck you Hillary, unless you win the nomination, then we were just kidding. XOXO The Kennedys P.S. stop being a bitch”

Also to anyone interested in the State of the Union address tonight, here’s something fun that I’ll most likely be participating in. http://www.drinkinggame.us/

P.S. Shoutout to our friends in Gjovik, Norway, and Rosebank, South Africa… We here at LGTS appreciate your support in visiting our site, and continue to ponder how you found us in the first place. Cheers! UPDATE:::: my bad, and of course a special shoutout to those in Leuven/Brussels, Beligum. Op Uw Gezondheid!

And for no good reason...Elisha Cuthbert

Football Soap Opera Digest Weekly; I Hate That There Is No Football This Weekend (senior bowl doesn't count...fuck colt brennan)

Ok so amid the nonstop stories about how crazy Britney Spears is and how Amy Winehouse finally went to rehab, recent tabloid reports have infiltrated ESPN even (God, say it ain’t so?!) to discuss the Tony Romo and Yoko Romo, sorry, Jessica Simpson relationship scandal. I’m paraphrasing ESPN last night on Sportscenter when they say they have obtained information (from OK! Magazine no less, a fine reputable periodical!) that Tony Romo tried to dump Daisy Duke last week. However, Jessica either did not follow the basic concepts he was trying to relay to her, or just refused to be dumped by this gummy smiled jackass. So in order to try and drive her away, Tony decided to take her on a hunting trip, to make her feel awkward and unwanted. This failed miserably, like his playoff record, and she and he are still dating…sort of. Basically there has been no resolution to the issue and Jessica is just pissed off that people could report that: A) she’d been dumped (by Tony Romo, no less) and B) people would print such things. Now, this all being said, I could care less what happens to the couple. I retain the last lingering amount of respect for Tony Romo only because he had the audacity to "hit it and quit it" with good ole’ Chicken of the Sea herself, but he can’t even do that right, so fuck him.

Moving on from one pretty boy QB to another…

Tom Brady was seen wearing a boot on his right foot this week, causing a media clusterfuck to report that he might not play, he’s more hurt than Belicheat is letting on, and other ridiculous nonsense not pertaining to anything really valuable. These reports were then nullified by interviews with Brady and his father with the two stating that virtually nothing could keep him from the game and that the boot was merely precautionary. Moreover he was seen later that night sans walking cast. However, today’s news reports that Brady has been absent from any media coverage at practice. This could mean something awful! Maybe he really is hurt! Maybe Belichick is hiding something! Or (and this is directed to any asshole believes anything in the past 3 sentences could actually be true) maybe the Patriots are all just full of shit. Tom Brady has been “Probable” or "Questionable" for the last 55 games, and he’s played in every last one. I wouldn’t be surprised if the boot and this entire media storm is just to fuck with the Giants' planning (though I don’t see how). Anyways, I don’t really care about Tom Brady. I think it will take more than him to win the Super Bowl, especially with the way he played last week.

That being said, I hate that football has been tainted by this tabloid nonsense. On the plus side though, I do not apologize for getting to use the gratuitous pictures of Jessica Simpson.

So much for a FLILF

I know many of you out there are as disappointed as I, but alas, Fred Thompson has resigned from the 2008 Presidential race. This is a sad day because now the hottest potential First Lady is either Cindy McCain who looks as plastic as they come (more like someone poorly photoshopped her entire body next to John out of misplaced celebrity parts) and Bubba seen here being fellated by a dog. It makes sense that the candidate with the less desirable spouse will probably do a better job though, as they will be more likely to focus on their job or more focused on gettin’ down while maintaining a level of professionalism (JFK, Bubba, George Sr, and Thomas Jefferson). I mean our best presidents had ugly wives (FDR, George Washington, Lincoln), and with this in mind, maybe we should look to the Bill Richardsons, Mike Huckabees, and Rudy Giulianis. Judith Giuliani looks like she is a beaten sack of ugly. I’m sure Rudy would do great!

Just kidding…

UPDATE:: I know Obama's wife is pretty hot, but I'm not sure whether or not that means anything just yet...

Why Evangelicals and Mormons (uber religious types) shouldn't run for president.

Two days ago, Presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee appeared on MSNBC and discussed how he wants to change the country. The most remarkable of his comments was,

“I have opponents in this race who do not want to change the Constitution, but I believe it's a lot easier to change the Constitution than it would be to change the word of the living God. And that's what we need to do -- to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards so it lines up with some contemporary view.”

So much for that whole concept of separating Church and State. If this wasn’t enough, a friend of mine brought up another Republican hopeful’s comments. Mitt Romney has made it clear that he would never have a Moslem in his cabinet because he could not find a position that a Moslem would be a good fit. What the fuck? We’re not matching square pegs and round holes here Mr. Romney. In case you didn’t notice, Moslems are people too, and while nobody is forcing you to put a Moslem in your cabinet, don’t be such a narrow-minded ass! Also, where does this pretty haired jackass get off labeling people of the most prominent religion on the planet as security threats (I will hit anyone who says 9-11, that’s like saying all Catholics are Papists) over his religion, which the jury’s still out on whether or not it’s a cult. I’m not trying to fight bigotry with bigotry here, but come on. I’ll give anyone the benefit of the doubt, but there are reasons why modern western nations try to have a separation of church and state. Moreover, I liked how Huckabee would originally use his faith as a moral code in which to follow. He did well with that. It showed he had a moral sense to him, but wasn’t going to let his hickey backwoods Baptist crap get take over. And then it did. I’m not advocating that everyone be secular humanists or deists here, but I feel like these guys have proven that they are far too skewed to be competent leaders. What happened to the JFK attitude of “I do not speak for my church on public matters, and the church does not speak for me.” You don’t need to be super religious to have a moral compass, fucking republicans. Also, fuck Tom Cruise.