District Deliberations: More Winners & Losers

Losers:

The Patriots – I know this is beating a dead horse, but this article from CNN today stated that they tried to patent the phrases “19-0” and “19-0 Perfect Season”. When asked for a comment, I said, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHA fuck New England!” bELIeve.

Jason Kidd – This poor guy has been trying to get out of New Jersey since he started beating his wife (coincidence?) and unfortunately, some scrub, Devean Green, had a clause in his contract that would allow him to block a trade if he didn’t like it. This dude exercised it, and now Kidd is stuck with the Nets. Sorry Jason.

Paris Hilton/Hottie and the Nottie – Paris Hilton’s movie was released this past week to rave reviews…Just kidding. Several sources have officially labeled this the worst movie ever. This is tough to do. Imagine all the Bio-domes, Farce of the Penguins, and Date Movies there are out there… and this tops them all. It grossed approximately 250$ per theater it was released in (roughly 30 spectators) and has been recently given the lowest possible rating on IMDB.com. It finished lower than “Car 54, Where Are You?” which had Rosie O’Donnell as the sexy wife (ugh). Also the co-star in this film is not that ugly (I also could have found a better picture, but hey sideboob, right?). Yet it looked like they beat her with leprocy, and that’s a shame because it shouldn’t take that much effort to make the “hottie” attractive. But then hey, it’s Paris Hilton, she looks like Squidward, so fuck her.

Roger Clemens- The Rocket’s testimony before congress has been nothing short of entertaining at least. There have been a number of bizarre statements made by everyone testifying, but the best has been rodent-like Congressman Waxman telling Roger when its his turn to talk or not. Basically Roger is getting caught lying, and will face criminal charges for perjury after this is all over. Also, McNamee confessed to injecting Clemens’ wife. Sucks to be the Rocket.

Indiana- The IU basketball program has been under some heat recently following Coach Sampson’s recruiting controversy. This is a blow to the program that really hasn’t been good or interesting since Bobby Knight was there throwing chairs around. Indiana Congressman Dan Burton has been a big Roger Clemens supporter at his hearing this week, spawning a number of investigative articles about his reputation. Needless today, like many politicians, he kinda sucks. (this article has a nice laundry list) This is all in addition to the fact that the Colts got knocked out of the playoffs by Phillip Rivers, the Pacers suck, and Charlie Weis has shown how great Notre Dame really is with an unbelievably subpar season. Jim Gaffigan put it best when he said, "I'm from Indiana. I know what you're thinking, Indiana...Mafia. But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move." Also, what the fuck is a Hoosier? (Don’t answer, I don’t care)

Winners

John McCain – McCain swept the Potomac Primaries this week, giving him a hefty lead for the Republican nomination. Furthermore, Romney has thrown all his support behind McCain, for whatever reason, and it looks like he officially made it back from the depths uncertainty. Kudos.

Uno The Beagle – Uno is the first beagle ever to win the top prize at the Westminster Kennel Club. Other than this being news, who cares?

Obama- Barack also swept the Potomac Primaries this week, causing Hillary to freak out and fire some more of her staff. This puts him in the lead for the Democratic nomination. Big Unions are supporting him, and the country is starting to believe it when he says, “Yes We Can”, which is cool and all, but the music video blows. All he really has to do now is gain the support of the Superdelegates, and hope that Hillary hasn’t poisoned them already.

Eric Bana – This dude was the Hulk, Hector of Troy, and that badass in Munich, but nothing will shine like the fact that he got to fuck around with Scarlette Jo and Natalie Portman in The Other Boleyn Girl. This movie, which is also slated to be awesome (review done by me, being a history nerd) and will portray the time period mentioned in this year’s season of “The Tudors” and should follow until at least Anne’s beheading. I’m sure we can all say, “you lucky son of a bitch, Eric Bana”, in anticipation of this film’s release.

The Writer’s Union/America – Finally that Godforsaken strike is over. The writer’s union got a new deal though that gives them royalties from everything that is bought and sold on the internet with their name on it. Now we can stop watching reruns and I can see a new episode of “The Office”. Moreover, though pessimistic, we are at least getting something out of this season of shows, and that’s something to look forward to.

Another big winner this week... Anyone who got the SI Swimsuit Edition. Tori Praver is awesome... Shout Outs to our friends in Oulu, Finland, and Varna, Bulgaria.