District Deliberations: On Current Happenings

Ok, so I’ve been a degenerate and haven’t blogged in a year, so here are my thoughts on the current state of the world.

Elliot Spitzer got ripped off. He way overpaid for that jersey trash. $80,000, really? That girl was worth maybe a six pack of Mike’s at the shore. My favorite is that she was also on Girl’s Gone Wild. Spitzer is such a douche, and to make matters worse, this chick is going to get rich off of the situation. She will go on a book tour, release an album, and do talk shows. Finally though, someone will realize she’s just Jersey trash, and that’ll be the end of her. Fucking Spitzer.

In Politics, the next president will be a liberal…and here’s why. ALL THREE CANDIDATES ARE LIBERAL. So for every democrat that rules out McCain for having the Republican tag, get used to your new president, because it’s going to happen. While Democrats battle over a white man and a black woman (that’s right I said it, Obama’s a sensitive guy) instead of uniting to fight McCain like they should, Johnny Mac sits there and does what he pleases. Many independents and conservative Democrats have marked their support for the Senator after his speech last week. The Conservative Right isn’t going anywhere, which should put McCain at like 60% favored in the polls. So barring an actual sex scandal, (nice going NYTimes) there’s not much else to do but plan the inaugural ball. Now before people chew this out, let me level with you. For those who think he’s the second coming of W, he’s not. For those afraid of his social issues, he’s opposed to the appeal of Roe v. Wade, and supports Stem Cell Research. For those who think his stance on the war is wrong… He’ll be the most likely to successfully get us out of Iraq, and let me remind you that Hilldog voted for the war, and though Obama opposed it, he couldn’t actually vote against it (he wasn’t a senator when the vote took place). Saying you don’t want the war, and having the wherewithal to actually do something about it are two different things. Fuck Illinois’ state senate. Finally, McCain was mentioned heavily as a favorite to be John Kerry’s VP in 2004. That dope is as liberal as they come. So that’s it. PS Al Gore will not be the next president, but that goofy bastard will have a huge say in the democratic nominee. That in itself is an inconvenient truth. (see what I did there?)

Fuck Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan. That being said, who cares if they support Obama. Look at the idiots that support McCain and Hillary. Anyone who thinks that Obama has been indoctrinated with all this hate is retarded. My take is that it’s a creative way to reevaluate racism in the country. Southern bigots (FoxNews) have been pissed since Jim Crow was repealed and finally feel ashamed for being terrible people. So finally when the black community gets an enthusiastic and positive leader, who has a racist preacher, the ex-bigot group is going to act all offended and play the victim. I call bullshit. Obama has been criticized for this for too long and in the end it doesn’t matter. (also McCain supported Obama’s support of his preacher, furthering the homogeny of all the candidates). However, Hilldog’s claims that she landed amidst sniper fire in Bosnia is hilarious. She will also be the next president, end the war, feed all the children, and not be such a horrible liar. Fuck you Hillary, yet again.

And now, everyone’s favorite hooker.

and look at that come hither look. Doesn't it just say, "pay me for sex?"

District Deliberations: On the Rise of the Unlikely

If asked who the Republican nominee would be 6 months ago, there would have been maybe a handful of people who would have said beyond the shadow of a doubt: John McCain. However, tonight John McCain became the Republican candidate for the 2008 presidential election. Defying odds, and the bothersome campaigns of Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul, when Huckabee took the stage for the last time, mostly to demonstrate his sweet one-liners (seriously huck, you’re an awful comedian/politician; knock it off), John McCain ascended to the pinnacle of the Republican Party. This is troublesome for Democrats everywhere however, because like McCain’s campaign in August, Hillary has come back from a troublesome deficit and won Ohio (one of the most crucial states in the union, and it is truly a shame...not because Hillary won, but because Ohio sucks). Though Texas is still undecided (I’m writing this before all results are in) this should keep Hilldog afloat enough to contend the democratic candidacy until the convention. Way to go Hillary, you’re single-handedly keeping a Democrat out of the White House because you’re a selfish goon.

In other unlikely news, BRETT FAVRE FINALLY RETIRED! This comes as a shock to everyone because, well, we just thought he was gonna die before he’d ever retire. Seriously this is the most important piece of football news this decade, because Favre has been around for nearly 3! In all honesty, though, Favre will go down as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the sport. Nobody played the game with as much grit and passion as this man did for the past 17 years. For that I commend you Brett. However, for every time someone called you a “gun slinger”, you threw a pick. In fact, you hold the slim honor of having the most interceptions in the history of the game. You even beat Vinny Testeverde! Moreover, Favre’s retirement means the dawn of a new era, the Aaron Rodgers era. Rodgers is often known for being the least used 1^st round pick in the past 4 years, in addition to getting hurt nearly every time he has played. More importantly, since he has been studying under Brett Favre, I can predict that there will be no lack of interceptions in Green Bay for years to come.

I was inspired by the last post from Chiggy/Double Deuce to include another unlikely hero. Ladies and Gentleman, let me present to you MMA fighter, Kimbo Slice. I’m pretty sure this is a homeless boxer that was found in bumfights, even though his wikipedia page will denote something completely different. Right now he is training under MMA legend, Bas Rutten, famous for these self-defense videos. Still, you make the call. Dingadadingadading, kick to the groin. (please don't try this at home, drunk, with friends, any of it ever)

Also Happy Birthday to Smoke’s Girl. Way to go, you did it!

Finally, another tribute to an unlikely individual who has risen to something great...err...Selma Hayek is just hot, ok?

District Deliberations: I'm Slacking...I Know

I’m Slacking!!!!!

Ok so plenty to catch up on, and most likely I’m out of date, but here’s what I thought was important this week:

1. Tina Fey on SNL- bitches do the best work. Sorry Tina. I like your show, but fuck that, and hilldog btw. This woman is a bitch, but it doesn't does not mean that she’s going to run the country well. In addition, everyone has said that Bill will have too much influence on the White House. Though speculated not to be such a bad thing, because 2 smart people working together can’t be worse than one, you’re wrong. Bill has been a detriment to Hillary’s campaign, and the guy will not help out in the White House. The major issue is the war. Bill demilitarized this country. Hilldog voted for the war. Think that’ll make for some nice pillow talk? Stick to comedy Tina, because your Hillary endorsement was a fucking joke.
2. Beat up on Obama – That’s about enough. I’m not endorsing Obama, but the guy has done nothing wrong and he’s taking shit from everyone. Some douche kept referring to his middle name “Hussein” and tried to make the comparison to Sadaam. Hillary’s been calling him out in every way she can. The Conservative media has criticized him for being endorsed by Farrakhan. The other media thinks nobody wants to hurt his feelings and is tossing him softballs. Fuck that. Obama is doing everything right. He is winning support because of his character, i.e. not mudslinging. Sorry Hillary, but finding this, isn’t going to hurt Barack. He was showing respect for a different culture, something you wouldn’t know anything about. You can't fault him for being supported by unsavory people. Numerous politicians have been endorsed by creeps. Also, you have a mullet Hilldog. Pack it in, yer done.
3. John McCain- Way to hold the fort dude. He condemned some dude for mocking Barack and took whatever heat he got with character and fortitude. Way to be Johnny Mac.
4. I had a cigar and a drink with the Governator the other night. Rarely am I starstruck, but Arnold is the man. Dude is still huge, he can hold a crowd and smoke a huge stogie, all without speaking a word of intelligible English. Truly the best Democratic governor in the nation. (that's a joke)
   
5. NHL news- Trade deadline was ridiculous this week. Mike Richards went to Dallas. Marian Hossa went to the already deep Penguins. The Caps got Fedorov. And the Rangers did jack shit. Truly this trade deadline made for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer in the NHL. Look for some fireworks for the end of the year.
6. Soccer is relevant! Tottenham Hotspur won the Carling Cup (English League Cup) to win the first trophy for the year. Arsenal striker Eduardo Da Silva may never be the same again (caution: video is gruesome). Internazionale tied Roma today, essentially guaranteeing them the Scudetto (Italian league) this year. All of this is so much more exciting than pitchers and catchers reporting, but still the Mets got Johan Santana.
7. I started a new job this week. I’ll be blogging but at a far lesser pace than the past month. I got some good stories in the works too. Getcha popcorn ready.

Finally, remember the good old days?

Thoughts on New Awesome Websites/Videos

This week was a great week for doing nothing but being lazy around the internet. So here are my thoughts on some of this week’s best finds.

1. http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com – Easily the best find this week, this site oversimplifies general things that white people prefer over other races. I find this hilarious because it has a more hipster/yuppie connotation, but did proceed to make me laugh out loud and tell some of my ethnic friends that they are, in fact, just white.
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2oPys_5iXc -- Sorry Barack, but they aren’t “just words”, they are a rebirth in plagiarism turned hilarious. "It's that little bitty 'kting' that makes it different." Sure it is...The video is posted above.
3. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com -- Enough said. This is the most descriptive name for a website you can waste 20 minutes on and giggle to yourself. Enjoy
4. http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/lookalikes/ -- Doesn’t matter if you like soccer or not, this site derives its name from a classic and timeless chant which goes,

"Who ate all the pies?

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard

You fat bastard

You ate all the pies!”

As you might have noticed, this isn’t a complimentary chant, and is usually yelled at members of an opposing squad/fat guys in the stands. This site offers some of the goofiest “look alikes” (see page2 espn.com for others) and are pretty funny, even if you have no idea who the players/coaches are.

5. http://www.cracked.com/article_15899_20-tacky-religious-products-guaranteed-anger-god.html -- This is just funny to me because of #14. My brother has a Rock Band back home, and as the lead singer, I had to create a 6’8” black guy with an orange Flock of Seagulls’ haircut and an Abe Lincoln beard and named him “Chocolate Jesus”. Unfortunately, this character was deemed inappropriate for online play, but still provided hours of enjoyment, especially when I used the Scott Stapp voice(think lead singer of Creed) to do anything. This raised a dilemma in my mind though. What if a Hispanic kid bought an Xbox 360 and wanted to make his tag (his name) Killer(like “John Doe Killer” or “Stel Plakas Killer”), but his name was Jesús? Surely you can’t sign in to an online community with the name JesúsKiller, because that will arouse suspicion and piss people off. But it’s not like this kid meant any real harm by it. Damn, I feel bad for little Jesús, and whatever piss poor name he had to pick instead.
6. UPDATE!!!:: Two more genius threads for the day. www.barackobamaisyournewbicycle.com and www.hillaryclintonisyournewbicycle.com . Surprisingly simple, yet hilarious. My favorite is about Hilldog breaking up the no hitter because that bitch would do that.
   

Finally our girl of the day is Katie Price Jordan. I don't know who she is and I don't care.

District Deliberations: Political Nonsensicals

McCain won Washington and Wisconsin to make his push for the nomination that much closer. Obama dominated Hawai’i and took down Wisconsin as well, infuriating Hillary further. Now for the juicy stuff…

Obama’s wife made a statement this week (actual quote, "People in this country are ready for change, and hungry for a different kind of politics. And let me tell you something, for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback.") which has been horribly misconstrued. Needless to say everyone and their mother has released their interpretation of what this means, many calling her un-patriotic and un-American. I think she just meant to say that she’s proud of her country now because more people are hopeful for a better future. But my favorite news medium, Fox, went on to criticize her saying that this country has been through so much since she’s been alive, even detailing a timeline, starting with the Civil Rights Movement leading up to the modern computer era, about things she should be proud of America for. Fox News also asked her what her favorite color was, and when she responded green, Fox News said, "Oh yeah? Well, mine's America, so fuck you!" (disclaimer: didn't actually happen, but my favorite color is America, so fuck you) Seriously, Fox News has nothing better to do, but Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama (yes that’s her real name) should watch what she says, knowing that pundits will dissect her and make her look foolish every damn time without fail. Also this led to a bunch of superfluous “I’m proud of’s” by the McCains. My new solution to this issue would be to have the world’s first “Proud Off” between the candidates, with nothing to gain but pride…gay pride.

Now this may seem like “just words” (apparently that’s what Obama is running on, so kudos to that, whatever it means) but Hillary’s staff has somewhat released a plan to try to win delegates by fighting for those already supporting Obama and Edwards. I don’t know how you win pledged delegates, or if you can really, but that’s Hillary’s new plan…well that and tattling on everything Obama does (see “just words" link). So while many feel this race is getting more and more exciting, I think its getting catty and boring. The new “realization” that political writers have been documenting is that the Democratic Party is the party of change, and while Hillary has been endorsing herself as a pioneer of change, and one who has fought for it for a long time, she’s starting to realize, as well as the American public, that she isn’t change; she is the same old story.

But for a new scandalous story, the NYTimes is reporting possible infidelity in McCain’s campaign. Apparently the presidential hopeful might have a thing for a saucy little lobbyist, but the entire thing appears to be false, as nothing can be confirmed. However, McCain’s campaign managers are allegedly keeping her away from the candidate, and admonishing all claims, even calling out the Times for reporting this as news. Eh, whatever, it’s been a while since there was any kind of sweet sex scandal in Washington (too soon?) and at least this chick is hotter than anyone Bubba put his wang in.

Today’s saucy little minx is Sarah Harding. She sings…or something?

shout out to Dhaka, Bangladesh

District Deliberations: Primary and Roger Dodger Edition

Whoo Boy do we have something to discuss. I mean, with all that’s been going on the past two days, Clemens in Congress, the Potomac Primaries, et al, can you believe that the Beagle won the Dog Show?! My God!

Just kidding. Ok, in real news, Roger Clemens has been testifying before Congress the past two days, and (from experience) I know the hill has been just a zoo. The best part about this whole thing is that Congress has outright said that Clemens is lying to them (perhaps in an attempt to convince him not commit any more perjury than he already has). However, Clemens is continuing to testify that he never did anything wrong. This is unbelievable because Clemens will face jail time if convicted of lying to Congress, yet he’s maintaining his story despite the mountains of evidence placed against him. It takes a certain kind of person to be that forthright, whether or not he’s innocent. Also, this has been fun to watch because I rest assured that every time Congressman Waxman tells Roger to be quiet or stop talking out of turn, Clemens gets all red in the face, probably wanting to do this to him.

A homosexual man in Columbus, Ohio is claiming that he was harassed on New Year’s Day by Cleveland Browns' Quarterback, Brady Quinn. Police were involved, but no charges were pressed. I really don’t care that this is news because I feel like it is a poor attempt by Brady to gain a public advantage on Derek Anderson, who has gained popularity for simply knowing Sara-Jean Underwood (oh and making that Pro-Bowl jammy). In addition, having been to Ohio, I know that nothing excites a Ohio resident more than a hot naked chick than some good ole’ fashion gay bashing.

As for the Potomac Primaries…WOW. After firing her Campaign Manager, HillDog expected at least some return in the three primaries held yesterday. WRONG. 08ama swept the primaries handedly, including several demographics Hillary has depended on, namely Women, Latinos, and Blue-collar workers. This is huge because Hillary is starting to run out of options. The big 4 that are left are North Carolina, Texas, Pennsylvania, and Ohio, and if Hillary can’t muster enough support there, it’s over. This is also a shock because I feel, unlike Hillary’s campaign, 08ama has a few tricks up his sleeve yet (Edwards, and maybe even Gore). On the other side of the Campaign, McCain swept the Potomac too, but it was closer than he would have liked it to have been. This is due to the support of Evangelicals and Born-Again Christians to Huckabee’s cause, but who cares. It’s not like those people are going to vote for a female or a Negro anyways, I tells ya. Ron Paul wandered into the primaries continuing to trail behind people who aren’t running anymore, which led me to believe that Keebler needs to do a better job locking up their elves.

Presidential Predictions!

If Obama wins the nomination/gets Edwards as a running mate, there is our next president. However, if HillDog manages some kind of miracle comeback, which we’ve never seen before, she’ll still get stomped in the election because ¾ of the nation hates her. Let’s be serious, the only reason she’s tied with Obama is because half the Democrats like her. If she gets the nomination, look for that other half to go the way of the independent and vote for the moderate McCain. Just for the record, its not that America isn’t ready for a woman president, Hillary just isn’t that woman.

But, on the topic of women, and the SI Swimsuit Issue release, here's cover girl Marissa Miller, the only reason I have an iPod...

The 1st District Deliberation

Today in politics

So, much to the disdain of Hillary Clinton, Ted, Patrick, and Caroline Kennedy all rallied today in support of Candidate Barack Obama for the 08 Democratic nomination. This comes as a shock as other members of the Kennedy family have explicitly held their support for Hilldog. However, being of a more liberal standing, and not wanting to see “Some er, uh, dumb broad run hir mowth”, Ted, Patches and Caroline specifically endorsed Obama, and in doing so fired back at every criticism Hillary has thrown at him. Needless to say, the speech was filled with a ton of JFK and RFK propaganda, as well as this group of “limousine liberals'” reiteration of their own progress for change and hope and blah blah blah who gives a fuck. Honestly, I never see the point in endorsing a candidate for the nomination unless you have something to gain. If you’re endorsing a specific democrat, its highly unlikely if that candidate doesn’t get a nomination that you’re gonna vote republican. Am I right? For the Kennedys this seemed a bit more opportunistic for them in that they are either getting cabinet positions or deliberately using Obama to fuck with Hillary(more likely) Also, while this does stick it to Hillary, Teddy Kennedy explicitly said in his speech that this does not take away from his opinion of his friends (hilldog and blinky) and how he just hopes for a democrat to win in 08. (cough::you're so full of shit::cough)

Well there it is. Obama has officially been endorsed by a murderer and another threat to anyone driving after happy hour. (I’ve no beef with sweet Caroline) And while I feel this could be a good move because the Kennedys are still America’s royal family and people love them, despite 20 years of the Clinton-Bush monarchy, I think this is more beneficial to their interests then Barack. While he gains some big name support, I think they are sucking at his youth to try and keep themselves hip and politically active for another 20 years. In addition, Kennedy’s admission of his support for a democratic presidency whether or not Obama is there is also a bit sketchy. So to summarize the entire point of today’s exercise in endorsements, I’ll go with, “Fuck you Hillary, unless you win the nomination, then we were just kidding. XOXO The Kennedys P.S. stop being a bitch”

Also to anyone interested in the State of the Union address tonight, here’s something fun that I’ll most likely be participating in. http://www.drinkinggame.us/

P.S. Shoutout to our friends in Gjovik, Norway, and Rosebank, South Africa… We here at LGTS appreciate your support in visiting our site, and continue to ponder how you found us in the first place. Cheers! UPDATE:::: my bad, and of course a special shoutout to those in Leuven/Brussels, Beligum. Op Uw Gezondheid!

And for no good reason...Elisha Cuthbert