It's the one that says Bad Mother Fucker on it....Part Deux

To: Negro
From: That's all you had to say

Missing out on the Prolific, but he is busy taking care of EMO and RAVI. Ill jump in.

Grossest thing? No idea, ¼ of chicks in America with STDs?

As for the Hall, Nash is going to make it the same reason he as Hollinger has repeatedly reminded us incredulously won the 2006 MVP award. People LOVE him, why is that? I think we can get a couple more curious guys out of that topic. People love him most likely for the same reason they love John Daly, they feel that they can relate to him for some reason. Maybe it's because he's only slightly taller than them unlike his behemoth teammates he's frail and tends to live a normal non bling life. As for his numbers, he has had great years in Phoenix but he's breaking down and if this is his last good year he probably does not deserve the HOF, but I assume he will make it anyways and be a first ballot guy. Let me put it this way, no one even considers him a HOFer before heading to phx. Were these last 4 years really worthy of a career of recognition?

To clarify the girl with dudes things I meant anywhere, bars and clubs just seem to be where they it comes up the most but I meant to a stranger. If you know someone to be goofy no amount of events are probably going to change your opinion. More so I meant you walk around and see some guy with a random hottie, whys he that much cooler than he would be without the hottie? A guy with a huge group of friends looks like us, so we don't notice as much. Oh he's the center of 4 guys wait, I was just telling a story to 8 of them. What actually tends to happen more frequently is we a beautiful woman catches our eye, and then we notice the gentleman to her right and think, "what's he got that I don't" and the actual answer is nothing but we always assume exactly what Deuce said. Cock, Money/Cool or the girl is dumb. I don't know it's sort of weird to me.

Steps Theory, it's basically correlated to nurture v nature. My main question is keeping all things equal outside of effort do we have limitations. I think we do because since time is finite, it leads me to believe effort is so as well, and if so we must have limitations. The actual steps concept has too many intangibles to re-elaborate on them. How does nature / talent actually help limit an individual's potential? I think talent/nature is the rate, the quickness in which your effort actually translates in to production. This model makes sense because given equal effort the individuals with the most talent will have the most production. Let me know if you guys would like to add anything to the new simplified model. I basically took out the multi-steps and just basically made one step for one individual without taking into consideration how his step overlaps with the other individuals in the world's steps.

Adderall, is something I would need to do more research on however, it has been describe extremely similarly to steroids to me and if that's the case it just says a lot about our priorities. Society loves to glorify public figures and hold them to higher standards than they hold themselves and this has been going on for quite some time.

As for the combo guard thing, Monta is good, my point is he's small, he's frail, he's not even as good as wade and we don't know what wade would have been without shaq. Arenas has the skill set to excel in the NBA but who doesn't. Marbury, Baron, and all those guys could have been the greatest pg ever but they were not and are not even close to being the best pg today.

Deuce and I love football, as for soccer and hockey keep it simple, Beckham and the ducks questions only. Haha, Jets or 49ers? Brandon Moore is their RT?

I hate to get all philosophical but what would you guys throw everything you have done thus far away for? A chance at what? A romance with who? Spitzer threw it away for Alexandra Dupré and while I think she's hot, beauty is common, especially in the city of angels.

As for the GSW-Suns tonight! Woot Woot! Ill have my jersey ready! I would go GSW +8. As for the actually winner I have no idea, the original Superman will save all his subsequent dives for the playoffs!


To: That's all you had to say
From: Negro

What's up Vanilla Faces and Chiggy,

I'm going to re-answer my question about Nash because I wasn't asking about Nash himself per se. I do think he belongs in the Hall of Fame, but I'm going to extrapolate the argument out a bit. In my mind, the Hall of Fame—and probably everyone else's as well—the Hall of Fame should be reserved for the "best" basketball players.However, the problem then becomes, "how do you decide on the bestplayers?" Obviously, the Michael Jordan's, Jerry West's and Magic Johnson's of the world are in. They had long and brilliant careers. But what about a guy that was just above average for a very long time. Does he deserve to get in because he's tenth on the all-time scoring list? I mean, who cares where he ranks on some list if he neverreally affected a team. Basketball, unlike baseball, isn't about stats so much as impact. And when it comes to impact, I think it is much better to burn out than to fade away. So, let's take Nash as a test case.
Steve Nash didn't really get a chance to start everyday until he was traded to Dallas. So, I'm going to omit those first few years from my analysis except to wonder whether or not anyone has ever come as faras he has, i.e. not playing at all to fighting over a spot with Anthony Johnson on the Mavericks to two MVP awards. Anyways, since 2000-2001 Nash has averaged about 17 points a game, and when he was in Dallas he averaged about 8 assists. Since he moved back to the Suns, his assists have increased dramatically up to an average of about 11,and he's been one of the top three point guards in the league over the last five years except, I would argue that he's been better than that for a bit longer. What is the true test of a point guard? Is it points? Obviously not, that's why we've hammered on Gilbert Arenas. Is it assists? Well, this answer is closer, but still wrong. Assists help to paint the broad strokes of the picture, but they miss the most important argument. To my mind, the best indicator of great point guard play, on the offensive end, is offensive efficiency. Incredibly, Steve Nash led teams have been the most efficient offensive team in each of the last seven years dating back to2001-2002. That is an incredible run.

Finally, I get that Nash's career hasn't spent as much time as otherpoint guards at this level, but I think the hall of Fame is about remembering peak performance, and seven years seems, to me, to be a large enough sample size to label him an elite point guard somewhere better than Bob Cousy and worse than Gary Payton. I mean, think about it this way, when people think of Mickey Mantle's career, do they focus on his early struggles and his late failings or do they focus on his best 10 year stretch?

On that note, I'm going to crib something from Bill Simmons. I think that there should be levels to every hall of fame. For example, we'd have media and such on the bottom level since they always votethemselves in despite the fact that no one cares about their busts. Then, on the second level, we'd have marginal Hall of Famer's. On the third, we'd have great players, and on the last level there would bethe all-time greats. That's where the Jordan's and the Bird's and the Johnson's and the Russell's would be. We could even limit the amountof all-time greats, that way we would have to be really sure that a player deserved to be remembered on the highest level. Of course,we'd also probably have to allow them to augment that level by two or three players per decade. It wouldn't be historically accurate to eventually kick Jerry West out of the inner room just because a younger generation didn't remember his prowess relative to the people he was playing against.

To Joey, Adderall is fucking wild. I took it twice in college, and then just didn't need sleep. I was not tired the next day and just went to bed at my normal time. It was so strange. It was like I just didn't need sleep for a night. If that's not a mental steroid then I don't know what is.

The step theory seems to me to be completely true. Though I think of it as more of a pyramid with way more people in the middle than on either edge. I mean, isn't the theory basically proven by bell curves? The problem people tend to have is that they believe that with hard work anyone can be anything, but what they fail to realize is that the ability to work hard is a gift in and of itself. I just don't have the desire to work hard to become a racecar driver. So, I will never become a good racecar driver; I'm at the bottom of the pyramid. But some people have a gift for driving and care to work their asses off. The lesson is, even caring enough to work hard at something is a gift. When natural talent and hard work meet, people make a lot of money.

Finally, with the Spitzer question, I think we're missing the point. In almost every case, non-famous people are only risking their personal, not their professional lives. So, I guess you're not really losing everything (Though you could still make the argument that you were). Anyways, the answer is that there is no woman alive for whom I would risk or lose everything I'd built. However, if Heidi Klum could become 28 again, that answer would change faster than you can believe.

Anyways, I think the most telling point of the whole Spitzer debaclehas more to do with hubris than any real knowledge that he was aboutto throw his life away. I mean, here's a guy who fought corruption on Wall Street when it wasn't perceived by the corrupt people as wrong. They were just going about their business like they always had, in most cases. They knew it was against the law, but it was the way they'd always done and always been allowed to do everything. Suddenly, Spitzer comes along and puts them behind bars using electronic paper trails. Now, Spitzer is in hot water because he used a service that hundreds of New Yorkers use all the time, but is against the law and he was caught via electronic paper trail. It's ironic, and luckily everyone involved gets what they deserved, except#9's wife, which brings me to my last question….

What the hell is going through a woman's head be it Eliot Spitzer'swife or Hillary Clinton or any woman when they have to stand next totheir husband as he has a press conference announcing he cheated onthem? Is it embarrassment as all of America knows that they're homelife was not lived as advertised? Is it anger, held in check byXanax? Or is it something else? And what about the wife of that Pennsylvania (New Jersey Governor, maybe) lawmaker when it turned out he was gay?

Have a great day bitches,

Austin

Check my Wallet....which one's your wallet....The one that says bad ass motherfucker on it.

From: Chiggy
To: Spunk Faces

Deuce, Sen., Prolific,

I am starting another "curious guy" (copyrights with Simmons) because three main topics have peaked my interest. Monta (Combo guards), the girl rule (a new rule in a long line of chigozism) and Adderall (Educational Steroids?). Why didn't I just post on all three topics in the normal format? I think I kind of like this "curious guy" format in which my takes are discussed and balance is shown to my opinions, plus I love the immediate feedback, so without further adieu.

Monta: Simmons is ridiculous. Jron is just insane. Hibachi is just silly. Surf and Turf? While I acknowledge Monta is the greatest waiver wire pick up ever (First round bye here I come woot woot!) he is not the next Wade. Not even close. How is he any different from any other undersized two guards who is primarily a scorer? Isn't this what OJ Mayo is getting killed for? Mayo, Monta, Gordon, D. Harris, Leandr o Barbosa, Jamal Crawford, Gilbert (aka Hibachi) what do any of these "gunners" have in common? My take they are not franchise guys. Sure every team would love to have one of these guys preferably as a spark of the bench but would you seriously want to build around any one of them? People seem to their (potential) offensive unstopability will lead to anything more than an early round exit. How many of these types of players have lead a team to a championship? None in our lifetime. If any of you guys have any thoughts I would love to hear them.

Girl Rule, the basis premise of this rule is everything someone does can look much cooler if you have a girl with you participating and or watching you do it. How did I come up with this rule? Heading to the LA club scene I noticed how many guys went there without girls. All of these guys seemed like scrubs standing on the edge of the dance floor holding their beers waist high and wistfully waiting for a female to talk to them. Then it struck me, the reason these guys look like tools is because they don't have girls with them! If they were doing exactly the same thing but had a girl next to them it would appear that they were "chilling" same thing for the dance floor, or the bar, alone you look like a tool but when you are with a girl (s) you look like you are either in a intimate situation or the life of the party. What are you guys thoughts on this and why it has this perception. Also what does this tell you about our society and the human race in general?

Adderall, my initial thoughts are pretty simple, academic steroids? I don't think people know enough about the health effects to really differentiate between the long term effects of the two drugs but what are your initial opinions? Many more thoughts but this is a G rated site.

Awaiting my belt! with kisses,

Chiggy

From: Double Deuce
To: Gingers

Hey Chig Music,

Back by unpopular demand, it's time to get some self-exploration on.So, you want to know what's so great about Monta Ellis, why Adderallis awesome and what causes uncool actions to suddenly become cool.

Well, she-it negroooooooooooooo that's all you had to say.

I'll start where I'm most comfortable; basketball.

You write, "How is he any different from any other undersized two guards who is primarily a scorer? Isn't this what OJ Mayo is getting killed for? Mayo, Monta, Gordon, D. Harris, Leandro Barbosa, Jamal Crawford, Gilbert (aka Hibachi) what do any of these "gunners" have incommon?" Now, I seriously cannot believe you are lumping O.J. Mayo in the samecategory as a guy like Monta Ellis. Ellis has proven himself a verycapable scorer in the best basketball league in the world, while Mayo is periodically getting shut down by college players. But that aside,you are absolutely correct, a team will never win a championship with Monta Ellis as their centerpiece, but as an important cog off the bench, he could absolutely be an integral piece for a championship team. The guy is locked up to 770k for the next two years and can carry the scoring loads for games at a time. To wit, his scoring andshooting numbers have been almost unfathomable over the last 15 games. How can you compare O.J. Mayo and Monta in light of this? It's unconscionable.

Second, I really don't think that Gilbert Arenas can be on this list.While I agree that he will not win a championship with how his team is currently constructed, He is a step above every other player on thislist. He's more like Dominique Wilkins—great scorer, who will neverwin a championship— than he is like the other players on your list,and what's wrong with that? I mean, Wilkins was the human highlightreel, and Arenas is the human bloglight reel. More importantly, theycan carry teams to 50+ wins whereas no one else on that list is carrying anyone to a .500 season if they've got to be their team's beast of burden.

Third, before I rate the characters, I need to add in a caveat. I don't, honestly, know how good Monta would be in any other system. Nellie Ball is perfect for his frenetic pace and his need to get alarge volume of shots. Nellie lets him over-dribble and hoistridiculous shots, and it keeps him happy enough to keep passing the pill at other times. How a team that fast doesn't average over 20 assists a game is beyond me.

Anyways, how would you rate these characters? I'm throwing out the Hibachi because he's in a different league than the others. So now I've got Ellis, Barbosa, Harris, Crawford, Mayo and Gordon. Interestingly, if you would have asked me this question last year I would have put Barbosa in front of Ellis, but his lost confidence is vexing this year. How do you forget how to make 3's, especially ifyour name isn't Nick Anderson? Also, I feel like this list is cut into three pretty obvious tiers. We're looking at the Top three inthe first tier, Crawford sitting by himself because he's a proven bit above average commodity, and then the other two languishing in the back.

I'm going to take on the Adderall question next because I'm not quite ready to take on a question about the cool power of double X chromosomes. Adderall is obviously an enhancer. I mean, the only other way I'm going to stay up and study for 48 straight hours is withan eight ball of coke or 37 Red Bulls and 25 cups of coffee. And the crazy thing is that I'm not sure which one of these three options is the worst for me. But the equation of studying to drugs looks something like this:
4 Adderall= 24 straight hours studying Econometrics
12 Red Bull+12 cups of coffee=24 straight hours studying Econometrics
1 Eight ball of coke=18 minutes of studying Econometrics & 23 hours42 minutes of looking for more coke.

So, I guess it's better than the cocaine, but a toss up with theliquid caffeine. Now, the problem, as with all drugs, is where todraw the line. Malcolm Gladwell has a great piece in the New Yorker about coffee and increased brain functioning. Is this a form of enhancement? You betcha it is. So, what makes it allowable? A lot of people take vitamins to supplement a shoddy diet. What makes this okay? Where is the line? I guess, the point is that all of this drug testing is arbitrary. It isn't okay in sports because sports are ontelevision and we like the picture of the savant. We'd rather someonebe talented than work hard. We, as humans, are beholden to the myththat talent is somehow nobler than constantly refining skills through hard work. Anyways, I'm going to get off my soap box here. We don't care about Adderall because it just doesn't cross our minds that the only way to get an A is to take drugs. We just assume the person worked his ass off throughout the quarter or semester or whatever. Finally, college kids aren't constantly on television, in general, whichmeans there is much less scrutiny on their day to day lives. I have no doubt that if, all of a sudden, econometrics became an Olympicsport, they would test the shit out of our systems for Adderall.

Next, onto the girl conundrum. I don't know. This question seems to have a fairly obvious answer. Maybe, you want more nuance,but I mean, there really isn't that much. The way I look at it, pretty girls are basically a finite resource and guys don't have a lot of variation from person to person, except at the very top and very bottom. So, when we see a guy by himself we think, "That guy's a douche, ha ha ha," but when we see him with a girl and he's not substantially better looking we are forced to think, "Man, He had to do something to get with that girl. Either he's super cool or he's got a humongous penis. Or she's just really dumb." Now, the first two are unlikely and the third is actually very likely, but it doesn'tmatter because the first two could potentially be true. That potentiality breeds contempt and grudging respect so the guy automatically seems cooler no matter what he's doing on the dancefloor. Then again, I think clubs generally suck. What are you doinggoing to them anyways?

Finally finally, speaking to the human condition, it seems to me that people seem cooler as long as they've got anyone else around them.This is why guys go out to places with their buddies and girls tag along with other girlfriends. To this end, you might say, "I roll with my homeslices so I've got a posse." Well, why wouldn't someone pick a fight with you? It's not because you're tough, but because you seem like the type of person others would stick their neck out for. Inherently, you seem cool. People don't fight with cool people. So, really the top level of cool is obviously a girl on the arm, but a group is still a rung up from the last group which is headed by Amare Stoudemire looking for someone who recognizes him at a club while Chiggy looks on in delight wondering if he could beat him in a fight.

All right, big game tonight. Warriors or Suns?

Do you think Nash makes the hall of fame? This is really a question of would you rather burn brightly for a five year stretch or be asteady above average player.

What's the grossest thing you can think of? This is mine. Yesterday, I had to use a public bathroom—which totally sucks. There was only one stall so I had to wait as some other guy dropped his deuce. Finally he's done, and out walks a fucking bum. I mean, can you think of anything grosser than having to drop a deuce on the same toilet as a fucking transient. I washed my ass fifty times yesterday and took some antibiotics, and this is all after putting like 500 of those paper toilet ring things on the toilet rim. Absolutely disgusting.

Catch you on the flip side,

Double Deuce


From: Senator Mary Ann
To: I didn't get to make this up

ok boys, I'll start from the bottom up.

The grossest thing ever... is ginger kids. Fuck those freckled little bastards...

I think Nash definitely makes the hall of fame. The guy has reinvented the assist. He's a John Stockton for our generation. He's too good not to make it. Even if he burns out, he'll still have put himself on a pedestal that all other players in this day are compared to. When you think "assist" nowadays, he's the first name you think of. The dude can shoot, he's a leader, and he's a stand up character for the NBA. I like him in the HOF

I agree with Austin for the most part on his take on the Girl with a Dude makes him look cooler theory. However, I would like to add certain exceptions to the rule. There will always be a case where a guy is just so doofy, that it will always look like charity. He could be the smoothest operator underneath, but if the dope is goofy on the outside, its over. I mean I'll acknowledge if a dude has a good looking girl with him, but sometimes its just laughable. I'll note my brother Danny as a perfect example. He's a great kid, don't get me wrong, but if i saw him talking to a SI Swimsuit caliber girl, I wouldn't know what to do other than laugh (and go hit on her myself). Also, there are a number of individuals at a certain level of douche, that no matter how hot the chick, the dude will always be a douche. Case and point...Mark Zoller. The dude pulled a fair amount of ass. But no matter the caliber of the chick with him at the bar, he was/is always going to be a douche/tool/undeserved egomaniac. I forgot my point, but fuck Mark Zoller. Oh yeah, anyways, the caliber of the girl can also decide the level of how much cooler a certain activity can be. If youre at the beach with a good looking girl...Props... If she's not so good looking...Whats wrong with that guy? Is he hunting that wildebeast? you get my point. As we're leaving this only to situations at a bar/club, i'll end my piece on this.

Adderall as an academic steroid is the best analogy for the substance I've ever heard, especially in pertaining to our conversations. It is a controlled substance (much like roids in that they are sometimes legal) that when abused can give you an edge in the 'test' you are competing for. However, they are different in that adderall doesn't function much differently than excessive caffeine. And its weird in the way it functions too because it is a stimulant that calms hyperactive people with ADD down. Steroids are a stimulant for people who are slow in some form, thats why it works so much more effiectively on people that are normal. I might just be talking out of my ass, but from what i've heard, adderall doesn't do that much for normal people, it functions more like a placebo unless you're seriously ODing on the shit, whereas steroids will exhibit a noticeable physical difference in a short time of using, at least this is what i've seen/heard, but again, i'm no expert. However, there are several individuals that had that XU adderall when i was a sophmore. That was to be taken once a day because it lasted 24 hours. The people who took that usually ended up doing worse because the were so goddamned wired. Idk, thats my take.

As for bball and competition in general, I'm really at a loss. I think the shooting guard position is one that is either being redefined by the Lebrons and Agent Zeros out there, but there is wasteland after them. Even so, it has been a long time since an MJ really led their team to a championship (except maybe tony parker when MANU is on the court, but even then...) Thats something that i think Chiggy needs to define with his step theory (or plateau because the levels are vaguer). Usually I see the emergence of players like Monta as something as a omen of bad things to come. I'll cite when the knicks brought in Moochie Norris. He was an awesome SG that could actually play well with Starbury, but even then, his arrival kinda signaled the downfall of a franchise that competed well for a while there. Still, Wilkins won shit. Arenas won't win anything. Crawford is headed that way. And if this is the shape of things to come, OJ Mayo should stay at USC for 3 more years. I still see Ben Gordon winning something somewhere. He's like a John Salley character though. Grind it out on the heat. Retire, then come back on the Lakers and get a ring... I kinda see that happening to him.

My question would involve hockey or soccer or football, but I'm the only one that gives a shit right now anyways, so i'll hold my thoughts for an independent post. Fucking Jets look so different. All they need is an Estrada for that Right side. Branden Moore blows.

Thoughts?

Madame Holly

Madame Holly

Saturday, March 8th, 2008
Chinatown

"You're going to live to an old age."
-Every psychic who has ever existed

My journey has begun and there is no going back. My partner and I have looked it up and found over four pages of psychics, mentalists, spiritualists, clairvoyants, mediums and general John Jay bullshit artists in the City proper, all of them willing to peer into the secret garden of our soul (for between 25 and 150 dollars a reading). This being a point close to the beginning, I should expound a bit upon my reasons for these psychic readings especially because I'm a sort of psychic atheist. Actually, that might give psychics too much credit. Atheism implies that there is an opposite that could also be the case. Truly, I'm more of a psychic interloper. But who knows, perhaps I've entered their world in the same way C.S. Lewis once entered a church. Perhaps, I'll come out of this experience and write books about the power of aura healing and tarot card readings. I doubt it.

What does it mean to be alive? I mean, really, why are we here? This is possibly the stupidest, most boring, question in the world. It's also the only important question, and sort of humorously, if it were to have an answer it would, no doubt, be incredibly unfulfilling. If God were to open up the heavens or burn from a bush and tell me my reason for being was to procreate, it wouldn't surprise me. I mean, that's pretty much the reson He gave to Abram. But damn; if procreation is my only reason for being, then what a boring life. My conciousness would be minimized. I'd be nothing greater than an animal, and I don't care what PETA says, animals and me are not on the same playing field. It's not even the same fucking ballpark. I mean, let's think about the dog. Man's best friend lives and eats for free on the Marshburn dole, and this is fucking expected. My dogs are bums and no one seems to care. All they do is sit around, sleep, and hump things. Is this the life I'm supposed to live? I sure hope not. Help me Holly.

To get to Holly's reading room, we had to venture through Chinatown on a Saturday. San Francisco is already a small city, but Chinatown on a Saturday might as well be Beijing except with taller and whiter people. The smell of fish permeates everything and, on this day, the air was thick in the sort of way city air gets on a warm calm day. Why couldn't it be blustery and rainy? Those seem like movie quality psychic conditions. In any case, we're not operating under the optimum conditions, and there isn't enough electricity in the air, but who needs lightning when I've got Holly? Let's get my self-exploration on.

We found Holly through a Google search, and as we walk into her psychic reading room, I feel as if she is looking into my soul like a child looking at a new pet for the first time. Then she begins to speak. "Who's up first?" she says. Shouldn't she know the answer to this query? I mean, her vocation is clairvoyance. Shouldn't she just point at one of us? That would have been much more impressive. In any case, Nick is first, and they don't even go into an adjoining room. Up to this point, coming to a psychic had been akin to--what I assume it's like--when one goes to a brothel. You go into a separate room, she services you and you come out with empty pockets. Until now psychic readings were exactly the same, except without the sloppy seconds and possible sexually transmitted diseases.

As Nick's reading comes to an end, I prepare to have my mind blown by Holly's truthbomb cards, and as I pick some, admittedly, great cards, I begin to think about Bill Murray. Apparently I'm incredibly gifted but also walking a path that isn't quite right for me. I'm a searcher, you see. Luckily, a mentor is going to come along by the time June rolls around and he's going to make me an unbelievable offer, and in my mind, this man is Bill Murray. He seems perfect because he's talented and lazy and just my type, and He's going to take me under his wing, and he might also try to take my girl, but I can't really complain because, you know, he's Bill Murray and all.

As the reading continues, I just keep imagining myself placed into the movie of Bill Murray's life. We're planning screenplays and new ways to hit golf balls together. He's the big dog and I'm nothing but a cinderella story getting my rocks off at the ball washing machine devising a way to "kill all the gophers," and its exactly what I've always wanted except now I'm worrying about Bill's newfound sensibility. Has he lost his ability to play up for laughs because I might need him to do that a little bit. I might need him to re-incorporate a little Stripes-like slapstick to go with the quiet laughs of Rushmore. I mean, is he even capable of this anymore? For a person that's about to become very successful, I sure do have a lot of self-doubt. Thanks a lot Holly; you've just managed to muddle the waters even further with your tarot cards. Maybe, you just needed a little more lightning.

You know, this being a journey of self-empowerment, I sort of get the feeling that I need to drop my cynicism and allow the power of pyschic thought to heal my soul. Maybe, I just need to cure myself of using ironic distance as a shield for the mind. Or maybe, psychics shoud be better bullshitters. I don't know, but if being clairvoyant was my J-O-B, I think I'd think of something better to say than, "You have an aura; you're going to live to an old age." Though, now that I think about it, I am two for two with the old age thing.....so I've got that going for me, which is nice.

District Deliberations: On the Rise of the Unlikely

If asked who the Republican nominee would be 6 months ago, there would have been maybe a handful of people who would have said beyond the shadow of a doubt: John McCain. However, tonight John McCain became the Republican candidate for the 2008 presidential election. Defying odds, and the bothersome campaigns of Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul, when Huckabee took the stage for the last time, mostly to demonstrate his sweet one-liners (seriously huck, you’re an awful comedian/politician; knock it off), John McCain ascended to the pinnacle of the Republican Party. This is troublesome for Democrats everywhere however, because like McCain’s campaign in August, Hillary has come back from a troublesome deficit and won Ohio (one of the most crucial states in the union, and it is truly a shame...not because Hillary won, but because Ohio sucks). Though Texas is still undecided (I’m writing this before all results are in) this should keep Hilldog afloat enough to contend the democratic candidacy until the convention. Way to go Hillary, you’re single-handedly keeping a Democrat out of the White House because you’re a selfish goon.

In other unlikely news, BRETT FAVRE FINALLY RETIRED! This comes as a shock to everyone because, well, we just thought he was gonna die before he’d ever retire. Seriously this is the most important piece of football news this decade, because Favre has been around for nearly 3! In all honesty, though, Favre will go down as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the sport. Nobody played the game with as much grit and passion as this man did for the past 17 years. For that I commend you Brett. However, for every time someone called you a “gun slinger”, you threw a pick. In fact, you hold the slim honor of having the most interceptions in the history of the game. You even beat Vinny Testeverde! Moreover, Favre’s retirement means the dawn of a new era, the Aaron Rodgers era. Rodgers is often known for being the least used 1^st round pick in the past 4 years, in addition to getting hurt nearly every time he has played. More importantly, since he has been studying under Brett Favre, I can predict that there will be no lack of interceptions in Green Bay for years to come.

I was inspired by the last post from Chiggy/Double Deuce to include another unlikely hero. Ladies and Gentleman, let me present to you MMA fighter, Kimbo Slice. I’m pretty sure this is a homeless boxer that was found in bumfights, even though his wikipedia page will denote something completely different. Right now he is training under MMA legend, Bas Rutten, famous for these self-defense videos. Still, you make the call. Dingadadingadading, kick to the groin. (please don't try this at home, drunk, with friends, any of it ever)

Also Happy Birthday to Smoke’s Girl. Way to go, you did it!

Finally, another tribute to an unlikely individual who has risen to something great...err...Selma Hayek is just hot, ok?

Doubling Down to the Future

The last correspondence of the week.

To: Doble Deuce
From: Chigga What
RE: Ba(ra)ck to the Future
My Native American compadre,

I need to first start by noting that you just had a less distracted blast to explain Male/ Female salaries. I feel that subject might need to be explored a tad bit more, but who knows I'm just the neighborhood feminist. I agree with your assessment about if we had less distractions they would just fill up our day a tad bit more, but wouldn't that be a good thing? Isn't that similar to the concept of specialization? Maybe it's just me but while I acknowledge that the practice of being well rounded is a good thing, I rather people focus the majority of their efforts on a couple of things they know really well. But that's just me.

As for baseball/ girlfriend comment I would like to say god we love gay guys and I completely agree with your girlfriend. I didn't understand baseball until the playoffs last year. People love baseball BECAUSE it's boring. I have heard people talk about the "pace" of the game as a primary reason for the enjoyment but that's really just code for lack of action. Baseball is the only sport in which can be used as white noise. Background music to our lives, we value it because other more important human interactions/ work can be done without missing the beauty of the game. While I still hate the game, I get it and that's all that matters.

As for your sell out theory about advertising, I agree that is a problem but I think it was always a problem. We just didn't notice it before because we were younger. Ultimately I believe that even given less constrictions we would become bored with all forms of media because it's just too darn hard to remain fresh.

As for the Gladwell piece I think the majority of people that we deal with do not have the life experience to understand what he is talking about. He is commenting on the superstars of the world. The Buffets, Trumps, Cubans etc of the world. He concedes that for the borderline individuals and minorities the signaling effect does help but what does that really tell us? Roots my friend Roots.

As for the West, I can only really see three teams coming out of it. The Suns, the Spurs and the Lakers. Basically all of the teams where the stars of the team have championship experience. Experience matters and that's what I think is ultimately going to be the deciding factor. I also think that Kidd going to the Mavs make them worst and Yao's injury makes the rockets better. But then again that's just me.

The east? Does anyone watch that? Well again Ill give you the top 3, Cavs, Pistons, Celtics. I think the cavs take it and have been betting accordingly. Anyone who can do what Lebron did to the Raptors will not be stopped unless he runs into a much better team or another superstar who has the ability to match wits with him. LBJ beat the pistons single handily last year and he's better this year. As for the Celtics, doc rivers nuff said.

San Fran Culture? Does that city really have any culture outside of La Roccas? I think not, but who knows. It is different though because San Fran prides itself on not being LA. The weather is not as good and therefore the population is made up with tons of different people. In fact San Fran is one of the more diverse cities in the US so it's really difficult to pinpoint one overarching theme. Going from the Mission to the Marina one would more likely assume they left states than they are within the city. The gay thing is what you are famous for but I think it's just a small part of the melting pot that is the Bay.

Speaking of Cuban he thinks that the MMA will pass Boxing in our lifetime, why can't you just get on the freight train? Also with the new GF, I am sure you have noticed some differences between the two of you, what are your thoughts on how that translates to all male/female interactions?

Doubling down on your Indian ass,

To: Chi-Town Zie
From: I can't believe the musician from Road House Died
RE: Seriously, he was only 41

What's up Vanilla Face,

You are entirely correct to point out my dunderheadedness when it comes to female salaries though I have to say that I made that comment in jest. Women aren't paid as much as men because their brains are 1/3 the size of ours. Everyone knows that. It's science.

To your next point, in general, the world is better when people have a focus. If we still had to go out and forage for food, I'm sure no one would have come up with this series of tubes we call the internet. And even more tangentially, I don't think the internet would have boomed like it has if it weren't for internet porn. Suddenly, men didn't have to worry about looking like a douchebag at some store, sandwiching a porno magazine between two other magazines that they didn't really want just to get their rocks off. Now, there's this technology that allows us to do this from our desks at home. You can't tell me that the prospect of less ridicule isn't one of the things that led the pinheads who came up with this shit to keep innovating and making the internet better. Suddenly, those guys who could never get a girl's pants off didn't have to worry about it. They could just go to her website and tell her what to do. Gross.

I've told you many times that I love baseball because it's a background sport. But I still think you're missing the point just a little bit. The static nature of baseball means that, at any point, everything could change. So, when the count is two and two in the ninth inning of a tie game, the next pitch could end the game or not. There's so much drama inherent in static enterprises because when they finally move, each move can carry a ton of significance or none at all and the drama stems from that. That said, there is very little drama in a July game of a season that lasts 162 games. Also, you also forgot to mention that it's the perfect sport to drink beer to. This cannot be understated.

I understand that MMA is all the ('roid) rage. And it's awesome and the fights are awesome and the fighters are incredible and they (apparently) do not feel any pain. But I will always be a boxing apologist. Often, I've said that I love boxing because the heavyweight champion of the world is the guy who could beat up anyone else in the world (this is also the reason I like the 100 meter dash). At this point, this might not be true anymore, however, boxing will always hold that place for me because I grew up watching replays of the "Thrilla' in Manila" and the "Rumble in the Jungle" and all the rest. My father showed me tapes of Ali-Frazier III, 15 years after it happened and I was riveted. I couldn't (and still can’t) believe that had Frazier been able to rise for the 15th round, Ali might have died from internal bleeding. That's what pugilism is supposed to be about. Who the fuck is tougher? Those guys would have fought in an alley over a girl, it just so happened they were in a ring. Isn't that what we want? None of that could have happened had they not been in the ring for 15 grueling rounds. I love boxing because of what it used to represent, and I hate that it’s lost its verve, but I remain eternally hopeful in what it could once again represent; pugilistic purity.

It used to, and I hope once again will, represent something that Mixed Martial Arts never can because in MMA the clash in styles is always more important than the central question in boxing which is, who is the tougher motherfucker. Boxing is two people playing the exact same sport and seeing who can do it better for longer. That's as close to perfection as I can hope for.

Finally, I'm a terrible person to ask about the male-female dynamic.

Are males supposed to care about their careers more or less than females? Because the truth is, I barely care about a career. I have no idea what I do or why I do it the way that I do. There's no focus and no vision, probably because this isn't the job I want to be doing in three years. On the other hand, she legitimately cares about her job and will probably be beating up the world within two years if she decides that that is what she wants to do.

I mean, she thinks that I'm smarter than her, but that’s certainly not true. I’m not smarter, though I do get other people to do my work more often. Perhaps, this is a difference in the sexes or perhaps it's a difference in our individual relationship. I can't know for sure. Maybe it means I've mastered the corporate American art of outsourcing. Who knows? I probably worry less about the future, care less about money and care more about reading. But these seem more like individual differences than overarching male-female themes. It's probably also a reason why people like working with me. I'm always goofing off so there can't be any time to get nervous, which in turn means they'll do things for me.

Another difference is that she has boobs and I do not.

Till next time,

Mister Marshburn’s Wild Ride

Doubling Down Part Deux of a 17,000 part series.

To: DD,
From: Chiggy
RE: Feck off

DD,

First of all I would like to mention I am voting for Mccain, a vote for McCain is a vote for the Senator's employment (since he is working on the campaign). As for a need for personal communication I suppose this might be true, but I think it might have a little more with a need to place responsibilities/ blame on someone. Every time I deposit a check at the bank I make sure to go into the branch, not because I don't realize the ATM can do it but because I want to be able to blame an individual if my check is lost. It might not seem rational but I have actually had a check lost in the scuffle from the ATM to my bank account, as for texting I think it has more to do with the fact everyone wants to KIT, but they actually don't like as many people as they profess. There are five reasons why I text, 1) I am lazy, 2) I don't actually want to talk to you 3) Its loud (clubs, concerts, etc.) 4) I am busy (work, class, dinner, etc) or 5) I'm driving jk, there are probably only 4 reasons. Basically half the reasons are of the I don't like you very much variety. But alas I am a huge texter so I shouldn't really let me secrets out.

The main thing about the automated systems that gets to me is that they constantly frustrate everyone. I thought I was the only jackass who just repeated customer service while seething through his teeth; however I have recently watched a couple of friends go through the exact same act. I think just taking the automatic frustration level away from people would be an upgrade in customer service.

I agree with you take on society. I think we are too connected, too plugged in, I mean look at our blog, we have writers in DC, NYC, SF and LA and we are able to communicate frequently and quickly. I think it illustrates a little bit about the diverse options that we are presented with on a daily basis. I think people of our generation have the ability to work hard but with out a firm program/ timeline get distracted by the options of today.

Commercials are the same way, we have so many options and so many bright people have created them that nothing feels fresh, nothing feels new and hence why they seem shittier. Back when we were younger and hadn't been through the process as many times every super bowl commercial seemed fresh and exciting, but I think that might have been a result of having very little options to compare them with. My favorite new commercial is the All State "Safe Driving Bonus" radio spot ("safe-rib eating bonus!"). While it is nothing like the cave man spots it's a lot like the new school spots in which it's a quick cheap thrill and I still remember it months later.

Tangentially, I would like to ask you a couple of questions about our played out society. Super Man dunk or not a dunk? Gladwell's piece, thoughts? Also do you think BS will be angry that we stole his structure? (BTW I love the fact that Senator hates him, LGTS the model of diversity!) These and other questions need to be answered prior to getting back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Chiggy

To: Chiggy
From: Doble Deuce
RE: Two Tickets to Paradise

Chigga Chigga Chigga what Ni**!

So, here we are at a crossroads. How many electronic mails do we write? Would it be better if the Earth were just destroyed by a damn asteroid? I can't know, but it's time to live this week like its shark week. In the meantime, I'm gonna take all that knowledge you just gave me out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

I understand the need to place blame on someone, and I empathize that automated machines don't allow you to do that. I guess it's just sort of weird and circumstantial that we enjoy human contact for completely different reasons. This must be how coalitions are made in Congress. A bunch of white dudes come together and realize they want the same thing for different purposes and sign a deal except when they do it there's always at least one more shithead that piggybacks on the deal and writes in some pork barrel spending for a bridge to nowhere or something. Good thing I pay taxes.

I guess I always thought automated voice systems were sort of soothing. I don't really get your hatred and, finally, every system I've ever used has immediately gone to the operator when I murmured, "Operator." So it goes, I guess.

Anyways, I think sometimes I go a bit far in my critique of society. The sky isn't falling down on us anymore, and as far as I can tell it never was barring a brief period from about 1968-1969. As you know, there is nothing in this world I hat as much as a hippie. Godless swine, I say. Still the movement away from personal interaction troubles me. I mean, at what point will I not even need my voicebox. I've always said that I would smoke to my hearts desire except I've never wanted to have to talk through one of those special external voiceboxes. Well, it appears that speaking itself has become overrated. This troubles me.

I agree that there are now MORE distractions, but I don't agree that this is the root cause of our collective malaise. I mean, there have always been distractions. When they're broken down, isn't that exactly what sports are? Maybe this is the root reason that companies have started to offer the same compensation for females as they do males. The females are less distracted by the traditional medias.

Anyways, if there were less distractions, I'd just let each of them fill up my day a bit more. At the very least, I'd be more knowledgeable about those distractions. So, that'd be nice. As it is, all I can talk about are sports, my job and a few writers.

In fact, just yesterday my girlfriend was asking me about baseball—and I know you hate baseball, but follow me here. She couldn't understand what made sports so goddamn appealing, and I realized that I can't explain it; it's part of being a normalized guy. Why should I care about the Dodgers or, especially, the Clippers? The players change every year, you know? But the thing is, I don't care about the players; I care about the jerseys. The players are the catalyst that allows us to feel that we are actually a part of something greater than ourselves. I think I ended it by saying that underneath it all, guys are pathetic.
There are three ways to look at the advertising conundrum. The first is that I can agree in principle that "a lot of bright people have been making bright commercials for too long," so now nothing feels fresh or new. Unequivocally, bright people make ads; they're drawn by the salaries available without extra schooling, but then the problem is that they're all bright. So in the industry the average advertising IQ is something like 130 so now you've got to be uber-exceptional to stand out.

However, there's another way to look at this. Too often in advertising, we make commercials to please the in-group. That is, to make the grade, you've got to impress the executives. In this process, a lot of the original meaning is lost, and, most times, the message is watered down. I think that, too often, the commercial is lost in an internal bureaucracy. It's too bad.

Finally, advertisers are always worried about amorphous things like "brand awareness" and "brand recognition" and whatever. They think of their job as an art form instead of what it should be: an extension of the sales force. Now, I'll grant you that advertisements that think of themselves as a sales tool tend to be boring and infomercially, but this sort of thing is cyclical man. Right now, we've got too many people telling too many good stories so they all get lost, but when you see an ad actually tell you to DO SOMETHING all of a sudden it works. Sometime in the future, I'm sure that'll flip again.

Wow, I'm not even to your questions yet.

No, the Superman dunk was not a dunk, but it was theater. And my question is who cares? What more could I ask for out of an exhibition competition, you know? It took some thought prior to the competition, and an insane amount of jumping ability. I loved it on three or four hundred levels.

Malcolm Gladwell's piece was from a while ago, and it is among the best articles I've ever read. The problem with Malcolm Gladwell is that he's too good of a writer. Every article of his that I read makes me both amazed and depressed. I can't write as candidly or as lucidly no matter how much I practice, this will never change.

Anyways, the article is incredible. I think it speaks to the biases we, as humans, have towards symptoms. We care about the problem; we do not care about why the problem exists, and this hampers our ability to solve anything. To tell you the truth, after reading the article I was most surprised that more universities don't take Harvard's approach. It blows my mind—remember, my mind is easily blown—that most schools admit students based on their predicted success in school instead of on their predicted success after school. After all, the people who build the libraries and the research areas are rich.
They're people that "made it" after school. In this light, who cares to predict how well someone will be able to write about classic literature. Wouldn't you rather they be ambitious enough to actually finish their own great novel?

I also found it interesting that people who got into UPenn as well as Penn St. and chose to go to Penn St. did just as well after college as those who went to UPenn. I mean, it makes sense. The sort of person who gets into UPenn in the first place is an ambitious sort of person. It shouldn't really matter where you go to school if you've got the ambition.

Finally, "mking connections"is totally overblown. That is to say, where you make connections is totally overblown. Penn students were telling you that connections were their basis for going to Penn as if there has never been a successful person at Penn St. If you're ambitious enough, you'll meet the right people. I guess what I really took away from his article is that life is mostly up to the individual. This is a good thing; as long as you're up for the challenge.

Anyways, I want to know what you think about the Western Conference, your thoughts on the Eastern Conference and what you think about San Francisco culture. It's still a west coast thing we've got going on up here, but everything is just a little bit different. It can't be just the gay vibe, can it?

Back to you, you blackface.

Double Down with Chiggy

What follows is Chiggy's and the Deuce's take on this American life. We spent the better part of a Thursday answering eachother's questions because, you know, work be damned.



To: Double Deuce

From: Chiggy



Re: Here we go!



Double Deuce,



A lot of things have changed in our society and much for the better. Look at this email I am sending, back in the day I would have had to send it via US Mail, (and everyone knows it takes at least 2 weeks for those letter carriers to get anything right) Right now it is instantaneous and I can get immediate feedback about my thoughts.



Right now I am pretty hot about one technological advance, Automated Phone systems! Who honestly thinks these are helpful? "Please dial or say your account number now" Besides the fact that if I was organized enough to have my account number handy while I am most likely driving I wouldn't call these people, the fact that I have to RESTATE the same account number when I talk to an actual representative is ridiculous. The fact that most of them will not allow you to go directly to customer service is also pretty frustrating, and while there is tons of unintentional comedy in watching everyone say customer service for 5 straight minutes being on an Automated Phone system sucks when you actually have to deal with one.



The wisdom of Double Deuce has been called upon, how can the guys of LGTS start a movement to end the practice of using these systems? I have a dreamsicle that one day my four small children can live in a world in which they can call a corporation and talk to a human being.



Another technological joke is texting. My stance on texting has changed a ton in the past few years, and while I don't think it's only for girls anymore I think its ridiculous how people consciously wait prior to responding to texts. What your "friend" will think you are a loser if you respond immediately when you get the texts? You don't carry your phone with you everywhere you go? I have never experienced anyone waiting 2 hours to text me back when I owe them money. How is it possible that everyone you see out has their phones on them yet no one ever really picks up or responds to texts in a prompt manner? Just a few thoughts that I thought needed to be shared with you my gimpy friend.



Lots of Luck, Chiggy


To: Chiggy

From: Double Deuce


Re: Cheesey Doodles



Let's get Chiggy with it,


I guess it would be logical of me to answer these questions in asequential manner, but I'm feeling a little frisky this afternoon soyou're going to get my thoughts in a ramshackle mess of knowledge.I'm laying truthbombs on your ass.


You say you want to talk to a person; I say fine. We should be giventhe opportunity to speak to an operator because five minutes into ourautomated experience, we get shipped to one anyway. I mean, doesn'tit seem like there is no way that, in the long run, the automatedphone system saves any money. First, you call and then you getshipped to a real person who is supposed to be able to help exceptthat your problem is not covered by this niche person so they pass youon. And now, you have to re-tell your whole story to this new personwasting their time, your time and the company's time. How does this process save money? Doesn't it make more sense to have an operator automatically place you so as to avoid all that time lost on both sides? The answer; no it doesn't. The last time I checked, operators, by and large, could care less about their jobs. If they do a great job, nobody cares….so why work hard, you know? My bet is that they probably make just as many, if not more, mistakes than the damn automated machine. This is why I don't buy anything that might break, ever.



Ahhh, the texting thing. I just don't know how to feel about texting. I still tend to think, "why not just call?" But I don't live by myown personal motto. I've begun to text more. I message friends for noreason. So I guess I'm the worst type of person in the world; I'mlike the anti-Ghandi. I'm not the change I want to see in the world.


Chigozie, the way I see it, you're reacting against a world where we lose interpersonal communication. Whether or not you care about theperson on the other end of the phone, you want to hear from them. You want to hear another human voice, which totally makes sense. As work becomes more official and I suffer more and more transactional sortsof conversations, I want my friends to call and actually want to talk to me. I need more than the standard text message giggle. I'm a real person, you know. Still, I send text messages because it's easy and because I'm lazy.



This probably says something greater about our generation. Something like; we have these wants and desires, butwe're really not prepared to have the focused vision it takes to get accomplish the goal even if it's just talking to friends instead oftexting them. I don't really know, and I guess, I've sort of just resigned myself to the fact that our generation sucks.


Anyways, are there any ads you just can't stand? When they are good, I love advertisements. The fact that a person can tell a convincing story in thirty seconds that can also illicit an emotion is absolutelymind-boggling to me, and I do this for a living. My problem; therehasn't been an ad like that for me since Geico's, "So Easy a CavemanCan Do It," and even that ad was killed by the TV show they did. Imean, wasn't Encino Man already a major motion picture like 15 yearsago. I swear that in Hollywood, people with a foot in the door arethen able to fail upward. And what does this tell me? I live in the wrong city.


Okay, I've been thinking about this a bit. Remember in high school when we'd tell people that you wrestled and I played basketball and they'd look at us incredulously because you're black and I'm not? Well, I think we finally have a chance to induce that stereotyping again. I'm on the record as voting for Obama. I think you shouldtell people that you're voting for McCain. Let's blow some minds, man. It's high time that we really aren't judged by the color of our skin, but by the content of our political views. So let's join in and rein truthbombs on these stereotyping liberals.

District Deliberations: I'm Slacking...I Know

I’m Slacking!!!!!

Ok so plenty to catch up on, and most likely I’m out of date, but here’s what I thought was important this week:

1. Tina Fey on SNL- bitches do the best work. Sorry Tina. I like your show, but fuck that, and hilldog btw. This woman is a bitch, but it doesn't does not mean that she’s going to run the country well. In addition, everyone has said that Bill will have too much influence on the White House. Though speculated not to be such a bad thing, because 2 smart people working together can’t be worse than one, you’re wrong. Bill has been a detriment to Hillary’s campaign, and the guy will not help out in the White House. The major issue is the war. Bill demilitarized this country. Hilldog voted for the war. Think that’ll make for some nice pillow talk? Stick to comedy Tina, because your Hillary endorsement was a fucking joke.
2. Beat up on Obama – That’s about enough. I’m not endorsing Obama, but the guy has done nothing wrong and he’s taking shit from everyone. Some douche kept referring to his middle name “Hussein” and tried to make the comparison to Sadaam. Hillary’s been calling him out in every way she can. The Conservative media has criticized him for being endorsed by Farrakhan. The other media thinks nobody wants to hurt his feelings and is tossing him softballs. Fuck that. Obama is doing everything right. He is winning support because of his character, i.e. not mudslinging. Sorry Hillary, but finding this, isn’t going to hurt Barack. He was showing respect for a different culture, something you wouldn’t know anything about. You can't fault him for being supported by unsavory people. Numerous politicians have been endorsed by creeps. Also, you have a mullet Hilldog. Pack it in, yer done.
3. John McCain- Way to hold the fort dude. He condemned some dude for mocking Barack and took whatever heat he got with character and fortitude. Way to be Johnny Mac.
4. I had a cigar and a drink with the Governator the other night. Rarely am I starstruck, but Arnold is the man. Dude is still huge, he can hold a crowd and smoke a huge stogie, all without speaking a word of intelligible English. Truly the best Democratic governor in the nation. (that's a joke)
   
5. NHL news- Trade deadline was ridiculous this week. Mike Richards went to Dallas. Marian Hossa went to the already deep Penguins. The Caps got Fedorov. And the Rangers did jack shit. Truly this trade deadline made for the rich to get richer and the poor to get poorer in the NHL. Look for some fireworks for the end of the year.
6. Soccer is relevant! Tottenham Hotspur won the Carling Cup (English League Cup) to win the first trophy for the year. Arsenal striker Eduardo Da Silva may never be the same again (caution: video is gruesome). Internazionale tied Roma today, essentially guaranteeing them the Scudetto (Italian league) this year. All of this is so much more exciting than pitchers and catchers reporting, but still the Mets got Johan Santana.
7. I started a new job this week. I’ll be blogging but at a far lesser pace than the past month. I got some good stories in the works too. Getcha popcorn ready.

Finally, remember the good old days?

What it Means to be Fredo or Burning Out as Opposed to Fading Away

Fredo Corleone—sometimes referred to as John Cazale—was in five movies before he died of bone cancer. Each of these movies was nominated for the Academy Award in the Best Picture category, and three won the title. It has occurred to me that (perhaps) John Cazale is the only actor who has ever lived who literally has never made a bad movie, and as it happens, he never will make an unwatchable flick. Perhaps, seen in this context he was lucky to have bone cancer insomuch as it solidified his artistic legacy. However, this is narrow lens with which to view a man’s life. I mean, dying may have been beneficial to Fredo’s artistic legacy but it probably didn’t afford him the chance to do the things most of the rest of us take for granted like marrying Meryl Streep or playing foosball or treating themselves to a drunken night with friends. Now, if I wanted to, I could probably create an argument claiming that it was better for John Cazale to die rather than live (though I don’t actually believe it). Or I could take a similar but more narrow view and suppose that only his career benefited from his untimely demise but that every other area of his life was distorted and swallowed up by his early death. But there’s a problem with this; there’s no way to know whether or not his career benefited or his life would have been better. Maybe his career would have taken off or maybe his life would have tanked. There’s no way to know. Really, all that I know about Fredo Corleone is that he’s smaaaaaat, he coulda been somethin’ too, every one of his movies was nominated for an Oscar, and that the last one probably wasn’t a coincidence. Besides that, what is there to know about an actor who died in 1978?

Dying seems like it probably sucks, but it is also one of the most interesting aspects of the human experience because it is most definitely the only thing that happens to everyone absolutely universally. I think about dying a lot, and I think anyone who claims they don’t is probably lying. And if they’re not lying then they are boring, which in my world, is worse. It’s not that I like to ponder how I’m going to die, but if given the opportunity I’d definitely want to be able to decide how it was going to happen. I’d delight in the opportunity to decide what everyone else would remember about my final minutes, days or years. This brings me back to Fredo. John Cazale died of bone cancer soon after he married Meryl Streep, and I can only assume that it was a painful way to perish. And the sad thing is, He had no control over this outcome. It’s a depressing thought; knowing we aren’t in control of our own existence. It makes me wonder how I’d choose to go. I guess if I could choose, I’d want it to be funny, but not hysterical. Depressing, but not maudlin. It would need to be random, inexplicable even and it would have to happen in a way that could probably have been avoided.

For instance, about a year ago, my friend Nick and I were both mugged exiting a friend’s birthday party. Now, nothing happened (besides Nick’s backpack being stolen), but in that instance when the six of us were fighting and neither Nick nor I knew if our assailants were carrying weapons or not I thought, for an instant, that we could die on McCallister Street in San Francisco without ever really living. This was a shitty feeling. It felt almost as bad as getting hit in the face, which was, coincidentally also happening at the very same time.

So, I began to think about how I’d want to die if it were to happen, and I came up with a solution. I couldn’t eat a bullet like Hunter S. Thompson and I don’t want to fall from grace and die on a toilet like Elvis Aron. Hunter’s death really wasn’t funny or inexplicable. Elvis’ was funny, and inexplicable but the circumstances were just too pathetic. No, I don’t want to go that way.To my mind, it would be much better to have my head pummeled by an angry sea otter or die at the paws of an angry bear, while climbing a mountain. There’s just no way either of those deaths could be thought of in a forlorn fashion. They’re just things that, sort of, happen. They’re occurrences that people will remember years after they actually happen, and in terms much happier than, say, bone cancer. But I can’t help but think about something else now. Perhaps, I am missing the point entirely.

All of this death talk is reminding me of something else entirely, “What does it matter if you die if you’ve never really lived?” In reality , dying isn't really about the person who is gone, but who and what the dead man leaves behind. Only in this way, can people have a legacy that lasts beyond the momentary. Fredo made five great movies, Elvis churned out #1 hit after #1 goofy movie after #1 hit and Hunter S. created the counter-culture of the ‘70’s. In this context, these people will live forever. Maybe, it’s not about how you die after all.

A Few Thoughts

- Each post about a psychic is part of a book a man named Nick Spencer and I are writing. So that’s kind of cool. You get to read the rough draft of essays that become a book. Lucky you.
- Baseball season is coming in hot, fast and heavy. Bats, balls, sexual innuendos….get used to them for the next 8 months.
- I’ve got a broken foot so I have an excuse, but what’s your excuse for watching the entirety of the Godfather and Godfather II yesterday?
- I really like the name Surrender Monkey to describe the French. But what should we call the rest of the world? People who are generally darker than Americans isn’t going to work so let’s see some ideas in the comments.
- You know, this whole merit based society we’re moving to is not cool. I miss those days I never got to be a total part of when I could have risen through ranks based on race alone.
- I’m not afraid to admit it anymore: I don’t hate the Golden Girls
- That’s sort of a lie. I mean, I can’t watch the Golden Girls because its mostly about sexual prowess of sexagenarians and I really can’t watch a show about sexagenarian sluts.
- Try sniffing glue; four out of five dentists agree that it’s awesome.
- Never mention The Greg Louganis story to A.C. Slater….Lesson learned.
- I hear people say, all the time, that television sucks. My question is, what are they watching? 30 Rock may be the best show I’ve seen in three years. I’m dropping truthbombs on your mind grapes, bitches.
- Werewolf bar mitzvah spooky, scary.
- I’m gonna make you a mix tape. Do you like Phil Collins?
o Do I have two ears and a heart?
- I need to watch fewer cartoons....I mean, what 23 year old watches three straight episodes of Hong Kong Phooey Come on.
-If I was a casting director, I'd cast Alec Baldwin for everything. He'd be like my Eddie Murphy in Norbit.
-I guess that means that Kim Jong-Il and I have something in common.