So, here's the article that started me bloggin and got me in trouble with many, many former flames. Some people might ask, "If it got you in trouble why would you re-produce it?" Well, it may be the one piece of writing that I'm prouder of than any other, and this is probably resultant of how much trouble it got me into in the first place. Lets just say that I am not emotionally flawless. Anyways, given that Chiggy posted our former flame questions (the herpes one is mine, dammit), I figured it would be the perfect time to put all of my exes on their rightful pedestal. So, stick around learn about my exes and how Dwayne Wade does that or just skip to the girls part about two-thirds of the way down, just know, however, that if you do that, you will have broken my heart.
Before we get started, I need to get something off my chest; I look like a prettier Johnny Depp mixed with a healthy dose of Brad Pitt’s abdominal muscles from Fight Club not to mention that I’m hung like Mark Wahlberg’s prostheses from Boogie Nights. Okay, thank God we got that out of the way.I tell you these things for a purpose beyond bragging (and lying). I tell you this because I went to a bar last weekend and at this bar there was a twenty-dollar cover. Now, considering that I am the cheapest person in the world, I immediately a.) became extremely annoyed with my two friends for dragging me from my bar stool at a relentlessly un-cool speak-easy using the empty promises of sugar plums and manna and b.) began to grumble about the twenty dollar fee quite vociferously (even for a drunkard). As we got to the front of the line, I was still verbally accosting anyone who talked to me including the bouncer. Surprisingly, he didn’t bar me from entering. In fact, he was extremely cordial before quieting me by saying the most important five words any bouncer could ever utter: “There are playmates up there.” All of a sudden, and for the next 24 seconds the twenty-dollar charge seemed completely reasonable and perhaps even a little low. Then the shot clock on the cover expired and I came to a pretty epic realization.
What does it matter that there are Playmates up there?
I mean, let’s be upfront about this. Even if you did possess Johnny Depp’s counter-culture good looks and Brad Pitt’s abs from Fight Club (and for fun let’s even throw in Milton Berle’s tower of power) what are the chances you’d get to take a Playmate home at a party thrown specifically for them when every non-gay male in the place harbors the same aspirations. Honestly, these playmates can choose to go home with anyone!!!! So, even if you were a movie star’s doppelganger why would she choose you. And, I’m not saying Johnny Depp couldn’t pick up any of those playmates (because he could). I’m saying that while women do care about comeliness, attractive appearances are secondary to wealth. Now, I realize this isn’t exactly groundbreaking information here, but bear with me and you’ll learn something about why country’s fight wars, how Dwyane Wade does that, and why I wasted twenty dollars.
Why countries fight, and how this is related to why I will (probably) never bang a Playboy Bunny.
At its heart, every relationship is a power struggle. In some cases, it’s obvious, but usually it isn’t. The struggle exists beneath a façade erected as a courtesy to shield both members from exterior scrutiny, but it’s always there. The struggle for power never goes away. And whoever is stronger wields the strength in any relationship. Now, I know this (sort of) demystifies and (totally) de-sexualizes the entire idiom of romantic interluding, but when they’re really really broken down there is a common thread between romantic relationships and why wars have occurred in the past and will continue into the future.A relationship is an accord between two like entities whose balance of power is constantly in flux. What this means is that while one party may have the advantage at one point, the entire balance could shift in the blink of an eye and at this point the lesser power can gain the upper hand. For example, after World War II, the United States controlled something like 40 percent of the entire world’s productive capacity and the atomic bomb. Back then the saying “These Colors Don’t Run” was a way of life not a bumper sticker. Then, in 1947, the U.S.S.R. unlocked the nuclear puzzle and, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, the Soviets leveled the international playing field. What happened? Well, an international relations guru like Ken Waltz would probably say something like, “there was one superpower so there was an international power vacuum allowing for another country to rise up and challenge the pre-eminent power.” And he’s exactly right. Have you ever seen a person get away with infidelity when there was no way that their partner did not know what was happening? Because that’s pretty much what happened when the Soviets got the bomb. If you have seen this, then you’ve seen an example of what happens when one half of a two actor system loses its power advantage. And these things happen all the time; in romantic relationships and in the international system. How did the United States justify going to war with Iraq? Whether or not you think we should have been there, the evidence supporting WMD’s was suspect, and if that was our only reason for invading then we made a mistake. However, there were obviously other factors contributing to the decision to topple a dictatorship halfway around the world. Namely, we could. America had (and has) a preponderance of power, it holds the entire deck (with Jokers included). America is the cheating woman whom the rest of the world continuously crawls back to because they have nowhere else to go. She is the devil who wears Prada. And that’s the thing with relationships, no matter what anyone tries to do to make them act more rationally whether it be creating a U.N. or a weekly date night, they will never act rationally and they will always be dangerous.
Men and women continue to date because there is a chance that somewhere out there in this mad, mad world there is a person with whom power can be shared and equality guaranteed. And this perfect relationship will be both gratifying and incredibly rewarding. For much the same reasons, countries will always continue to align with eachother because it’s always easier to face this cruel, cruel world as part of a team than by oneself. Sadly, this is also the reason wars will continue eternally. When one side starts to gain power, the other starts to worry what the first side will do with their newfound strength. Will they subjugate us? Will they slaughter us all? Is she going to break up with me so she can chase after that other guy? And I know that these are all irrational fears, but they have existed from the time God K.O.’ed Adam so he could steal his rib. With this in mind, here is a short history of America using my own relationships as a crutch to illustrate the very real, very strong similarity between power, relationships and the international system.
Kelly Kapowski & Me= England vs. U.S.- She was the powerful homecoming queen (with a strong Royal Navy, I guess) and I was a rising power. We had a lot in common, but as we grew up in college (same school) her power began to wane as mine began to augment until we had to separate because my hunger for power was insatiable (Manifested in my desire to drink beer). Also, she’s still really pretty and we have a treaty—i.e. we talk cordially from time to time (until she reads this I suppose).
Veronica Corningstone & Me= U.S. vs. Russia- We both had a lot of firepower. She was great looking and cool as could be. She had a radio show on our college radio station and had great taste in all things aural. She’s the only girl I’ve ever dated who I thought was (probably) cooler than me. I had recently returned from Europe where I had run with some bulls and garnered enough stories to be consistently interesting past the fourth date. But in the end, she came out on top. My economy just couldn’t handle it. And this is even though I never had an Orwell to poke holes in my logic.
Rachel McAdams & Me= Switzerland vs. U.S.- Rachel was noncommittal because I was graduating; she had to come back to school in the fall for one more quarter, and was going to Europe that summer. That said, she was sort of clinging at the end and talked endlessly of what it was going to be like when she came back. So, she’s like Switzerland in World War II; if the Swiss abstained but didn’t let the Germans use their banks.
Sarah Packard & Me= Iraq vs. U.S.- I probably took advantage of Sarah sexually. I met her after breaking it off with England and I was in a frenzied state. She had no real power in the relationship and I pretty much bombed her whenever I felt like it. 20 years from now, I am going to wonder why I ever did it.
Gloria Cleary & Me= The Netherlands vs. U.S.- Gloria graduated a year early and promptly went to graduate school….to jump around with monkeys in the jungle, which was just about the goofiest thing I had ever heard. I suppose she’s the Netherlands because it’s the goofiest country I’ve ever seen. Honestly, who’s national color is burnt orange? Really.
Etta Place & Me= Kosovo vs. U.S.- I made it with Ms. Place the night Gloria left. Then I bombed her for a few weeks before stopping (sort of) inexplicably. Kind of like Clinton and Kosovo.
Cloris Leachman & Me= The Philippines vs. U.S.- Cloris was gorgeous in eighth grade and throughout our first two years in high school. We fooled around a few times and I had a crush on her, but after awhile realized that I had no real desire to continue. Besides, I was close to starting my relationship with England, so continuing could do nothing except cause the world to think I was imperialist.
Maggie The Cat & Me= Spain vs. The U.S.- Maggie the Cat starred in Cat on A Hot Tin Roof and serves as the pseudonym for the girl with whom I had my first sexual encounter. The weird thing is, I almost forgot about it much like our (mostly) forgotten war with Spain, which ironically netted the Philippines.
The One-Night Stands & Me= Those lost in the primordial capitalist soup vs. The U.S.- These girls are comprised (mostly) of all the girls I met directly after England and I stopped talking. In fact, some of them happened in that weird time when England’s and my relationship was stuck in a coma and neither of us really knew what was going on. Is it salvageable? I don’t know, well….So yeah, I am not and have not always been morally flawless. Anyways, these girls are lost in the capitalist machine that separates the rich from the poor and the girls that I went out with from the ones that I did not.
These sorts of relationships are exactly why the international system exists. Besides the rudimentary literary device of using my life as an allegory to illustrate a larger truth, these girls all represent the power dynamic present in every two-actor relationship. Veronica Corningstone is the reason America outlasted Russia just as the Wall coming down signified my total lack of control over that relationship. Not only do all of these rib-stealers comprise the contents of my heart, they illustrate why less powerful countries need to ally against the powerful ones—i.e if they do not, they will be overrun—and why, at the start of The Cold War, two equally strong sides emerged.However, they cannot explain why the world has not risen to balance against the United States in the aftermath of the collapse of the Soviet Union. But I think I have the answer. Ken Waltz would probably say that in the early 1990’s the American preponderance of power was too great to counter-balance. Then he might mention the relative benignity of the American hegemony illustrated by the fact that the United States is the first hegemony whose neighbors go to sleep every night knowing their autonomy is never in danger. However, I think there is a much simpler way to illustrate this point and it brings me back to the playmates and why I might as well have just burned a twenty-dollar bill whilst sitting on my barstool. Those playmates at that trendy bar in San Francisco represented America at the turn of the new century and beyond. In the context of a party thrown for them and about them, they held all the cards (including the Jokers). And this is why it was a total waste of money no matter what a steroid using ex-high school football player who allowed me access to that world said. The fact that playmates were upstairs dancing meant nothing because there was no chance—even if I allied with all of my friends—that I would be leaving with any of those vixens. They were just too powerful, too buxom and really too drunk to have any fun with anyway. And oh yeah, that other thing I told you I’d teach you….
How Does Dwyane Wade Do That?
He’s uberathletic. Other than that, I don’t even think Dwyane knows how He just did that.
Before we get started, I need to get something off my chest; I look like a prettier Johnny Depp mixed with a healthy dose of Brad Pitt’s abdominal muscles from Fight Club not to mention that I’m hung like Mark Wahlberg’s prostheses from Boogie Nights. Okay, thank God we got that out of the way.I tell you these things for a purpose beyond bragging (and lying). I tell you this because I went to a bar last weekend and at this bar there was a twenty-dollar cover. Now, considering that I am the cheapest person in the world, I immediately a.) became extremely annoyed with my two friends for dragging me from my bar stool at a relentlessly un-cool speak-easy using the empty promises of sugar plums and manna and b.) began to grumble about the twenty dollar fee quite vociferously (even for a drunkard). As we got to the front of the line, I was still verbally accosting anyone who talked to me including the bouncer. Surprisingly, he didn’t bar me from entering. In fact, he was extremely cordial before quieting me by saying the most important five words any bouncer could ever utter: “There are playmates up there.” All of a sudden, and for the next 24 seconds the twenty-dollar charge seemed completely reasonable and perhaps even a little low. Then the shot clock on the cover expired and I came to a pretty epic realization.
What does it matter that there are Playmates up there?
I mean, let’s be upfront about this. Even if you did possess Johnny Depp’s counter-culture good looks and Brad Pitt’s abs from Fight Club (and for fun let’s even throw in Milton Berle’s tower of power) what are the chances you’d get to take a Playmate home at a party thrown specifically for them when every non-gay male in the place harbors the same aspirations. Honestly, these playmates can choose to go home with anyone!!!! So, even if you were a movie star’s doppelganger why would she choose you. And, I’m not saying Johnny Depp couldn’t pick up any of those playmates (because he could). I’m saying that while women do care about comeliness, attractive appearances are secondary to wealth. Now, I realize this isn’t exactly groundbreaking information here, but bear with me and you’ll learn something about why country’s fight wars, how Dwyane Wade does that, and why I wasted twenty dollars.
Why countries fight, and how this is related to why I will (probably) never bang a Playboy Bunny.
At its heart, every relationship is a power struggle. In some cases, it’s obvious, but usually it isn’t. The struggle exists beneath a façade erected as a courtesy to shield both members from exterior scrutiny, but it’s always there. The struggle for power never goes away. And whoever is stronger wields the strength in any relationship. Now, I know this (sort of) demystifies and (totally) de-sexualizes the entire idiom of romantic interluding, but when they’re really really broken down there is a common thread between romantic relationships and why wars have occurred in the past and will continue into the future.A relationship is an accord between two like entities whose balance of power is constantly in flux. What this means is that while one party may have the advantage at one point, the entire balance could shift in the blink of an eye and at this point the lesser power can gain the upper hand. For example, after World War II, the United States controlled something like 40 percent of the entire world’s productive capacity and the atomic bomb. Back then the saying “These Colors Don’t Run” was a way of life not a bumper sticker. Then, in 1947, the U.S.S.R. unlocked the nuclear puzzle and, in what seemed like the blink of an eye, the Soviets leveled the international playing field. What happened? Well, an international relations guru like Ken Waltz would probably say something like, “there was one superpower so there was an international power vacuum allowing for another country to rise up and challenge the pre-eminent power.” And he’s exactly right. Have you ever seen a person get away with infidelity when there was no way that their partner did not know what was happening? Because that’s pretty much what happened when the Soviets got the bomb. If you have seen this, then you’ve seen an example of what happens when one half of a two actor system loses its power advantage. And these things happen all the time; in romantic relationships and in the international system. How did the United States justify going to war with Iraq? Whether or not you think we should have been there, the evidence supporting WMD’s was suspect, and if that was our only reason for invading then we made a mistake. However, there were obviously other factors contributing to the decision to topple a dictatorship halfway around the world. Namely, we could. America had (and has) a preponderance of power, it holds the entire deck (with Jokers included). America is the cheating woman whom the rest of the world continuously crawls back to because they have nowhere else to go. She is the devil who wears Prada. And that’s the thing with relationships, no matter what anyone tries to do to make them act more rationally whether it be creating a U.N. or a weekly date night, they will never act rationally and they will always be dangerous.
Men and women continue to date because there is a chance that somewhere out there in this mad, mad world there is a person with whom power can be shared and equality guaranteed. And this perfect relationship will be both gratifying and incredibly rewarding. For much the same reasons, countries will always continue to align with eachother because it’s always easier to face this cruel, cruel world as part of a team than by oneself. Sadly, this is also the reason wars will continue eternally. When one side starts to gain power, the other starts to worry what the first side will do with their newfound strength. Will they subjugate us? Will they slaughter us all? Is she going to break up with me so she can chase after that other guy? And I know that these are all irrational fears, but they have existed from the time God K.O.’ed Adam so he could steal his rib. With this in mind, here is a short history of America using my own relationships as a crutch to illustrate the very real, very strong similarity between power, relationships and the international system.
Kelly Kapowski & Me= England vs. U.S.- She was the powerful homecoming queen (with a strong Royal Navy, I guess) and I was a rising power. We had a lot in common, but as we grew up in college (same school) her power began to wane as mine began to augment until we had to separate because my hunger for power was insatiable (Manifested in my desire to drink beer). Also, she’s still really pretty and we have a treaty—i.e. we talk cordially from time to time (until she reads this I suppose).
Veronica Corningstone & Me= U.S. vs. Russia- We both had a lot of firepower. She was great looking and cool as could be. She had a radio show on our college radio station and had great taste in all things aural. She’s the only girl I’ve ever dated who I thought was (probably) cooler than me. I had recently returned from Europe where I had run with some bulls and garnered enough stories to be consistently interesting past the fourth date. But in the end, she came out on top. My economy just couldn’t handle it. And this is even though I never had an Orwell to poke holes in my logic.
Rachel McAdams & Me= Switzerland vs. U.S.- Rachel was noncommittal because I was graduating; she had to come back to school in the fall for one more quarter, and was going to Europe that summer. That said, she was sort of clinging at the end and talked endlessly of what it was going to be like when she came back. So, she’s like Switzerland in World War II; if the Swiss abstained but didn’t let the Germans use their banks.
Sarah Packard & Me= Iraq vs. U.S.- I probably took advantage of Sarah sexually. I met her after breaking it off with England and I was in a frenzied state. She had no real power in the relationship and I pretty much bombed her whenever I felt like it. 20 years from now, I am going to wonder why I ever did it.
Gloria Cleary & Me= The Netherlands vs. U.S.- Gloria graduated a year early and promptly went to graduate school….to jump around with monkeys in the jungle, which was just about the goofiest thing I had ever heard. I suppose she’s the Netherlands because it’s the goofiest country I’ve ever seen. Honestly, who’s national color is burnt orange? Really.
Etta Place & Me= Kosovo vs. U.S.- I made it with Ms. Place the night Gloria left. Then I bombed her for a few weeks before stopping (sort of) inexplicably. Kind of like Clinton and Kosovo.
Cloris Leachman & Me= The Philippines vs. U.S.- Cloris was gorgeous in eighth grade and throughout our first two years in high school. We fooled around a few times and I had a crush on her, but after awhile realized that I had no real desire to continue. Besides, I was close to starting my relationship with England, so continuing could do nothing except cause the world to think I was imperialist.
Maggie The Cat & Me= Spain vs. The U.S.- Maggie the Cat starred in Cat on A Hot Tin Roof and serves as the pseudonym for the girl with whom I had my first sexual encounter. The weird thing is, I almost forgot about it much like our (mostly) forgotten war with Spain, which ironically netted the Philippines.
The One-Night Stands & Me= Those lost in the primordial capitalist soup vs. The U.S.- These girls are comprised (mostly) of all the girls I met directly after England and I stopped talking. In fact, some of them happened in that weird time when England’s and my relationship was stuck in a coma and neither of us really knew what was going on. Is it salvageable? I don’t know, well….So yeah, I am not and have not always been morally flawless. Anyways, these girls are lost in the capitalist machine that separates the rich from the poor and the girls that I went out with from the ones that I did not.
These sorts of relationships are exactly why the international system exists. Besides the rudimentary literary device of using my life as an allegory to illustrate a larger truth, these girls all represent the power dynamic present in every two-actor relationship. Veronica Corningstone is the reason America outlasted Russia just as the Wall coming down signified my total lack of control over that relationship. Not only do all of these rib-stealers comprise the contents of my heart, they illustrate why less powerful countries need to ally against the powerful ones—i.e if they do not, they will be overrun—and why, at the start of The Cold War, two equally strong sides emerged.However, they cannot explain why the world has not risen to balance against the United States in the aftermath of the collapse of the Soviet Union. But I think I have the answer. Ken Waltz would probably say that in the early 1990’s the American preponderance of power was too great to counter-balance. Then he might mention the relative benignity of the American hegemony illustrated by the fact that the United States is the first hegemony whose neighbors go to sleep every night knowing their autonomy is never in danger. However, I think there is a much simpler way to illustrate this point and it brings me back to the playmates and why I might as well have just burned a twenty-dollar bill whilst sitting on my barstool. Those playmates at that trendy bar in San Francisco represented America at the turn of the new century and beyond. In the context of a party thrown for them and about them, they held all the cards (including the Jokers). And this is why it was a total waste of money no matter what a steroid using ex-high school football player who allowed me access to that world said. The fact that playmates were upstairs dancing meant nothing because there was no chance—even if I allied with all of my friends—that I would be leaving with any of those vixens. They were just too powerful, too buxom and really too drunk to have any fun with anyway. And oh yeah, that other thing I told you I’d teach you….
How Does Dwyane Wade Do That?
He’s uberathletic. Other than that, I don’t even think Dwyane knows how He just did that.
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