Question That Need to be Asked Lest the World Never Find the Answers

The following all comes from a conversation in a car. Don't read ahead if, at this very moment, you are eating.

Would you have sex with Martina Navratilova or Barbara Walters? You have to pick one. If you don’t answer Babs I don’t what to say. First of all, to my knowledge, Babs is straight, but I think Ryan puts it best, “At least every time you saw her on TV doing a story you could say ‘I had sex with her,’ and laugh at the horrified looks on your buddies’ faces.”
This probably has a deeper meaning. Maybe it speaks to the male goal of sleeping with the entire female portion of our species or maybe it doesn’t. I think Freud or Jung could figure it out, but then again they’d probably just tell me what I already know. In the words of Jesse Spano, “I’m a P-I-G....PIG!”

Okay, the Martina/Babs question came from some book we stole from one of our hosts to pass the time, but most of the questions really weren’t very good so we started coming up with our own. AND Trevor came up with one of the most brilliant queries I have ever had the pleasure of arguing about….

Trevor- Okay, okay I got one, “Would you rather piss your bed every night….
Ryan- What the fuck man…
Austin- …. Yeah, don’t you pretty much do that whenever you get drunk anyway??
Trevor- Hold on guys—and not for a while asshole—“or would you rather shit yourself once a week but totally indiscriminately.
Ryan and Austin- You mean like, we wouldn’t know when it was going to happen
Trevor- Yeah, that’s it.
(Silence and Contemplation)….
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(More of the Same)
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Ryan- I’d piss myself every night.
Austin- What????? No way
Trevor- Yeah, so would I….Austin you’d rather shit yourself indiscriminately?
Ryan- That’s maybe the grossest thing I’ve ever heard…
Austin- Wait, you’re peeing on yourself every night, without fail, and I’m gross…
Ryan- Well, at least you could hide the urination from everyone else in your life…Only your wife would have to know…
Trev-…And you could set up for it….I think you could purchase like linoleum sheets or something
Austin-But you’re still constantly peeing on yourself….I’d rather shit myself once and get it over with…
Ryan-What if you’re out on a date and then it just happens….You have no control over it
Austin- Yeah , but what if a date goes well and you end up having sex, but lets say you were drunk so afterwards you fell asleep and then you just peed all over the girl
Trevor- You could just claim you pissed because of the alcohol…
(Trevor is rudely interrupted by Austin)
Austin- Yeah, Because that would be way better…Hey baby we only hooked up because I was so ridiculously intoxicated that I couldn’t imagine going through the whole “getting up to go to the toilet process….”
Trevor- …Plus urine is sterile…You could drink it
Ryan and Austin- What?
Trev- Forget I said that
Austin- Okay think about it this way…Trevor its like a normal curve of shitting right?.…I mean, like, it’s a totally random variable—the shitting I mean….
Trevor- Yeah
Austin- All right, so if you sleep eight hours a night, there is a one third chance every week that you will shit yourself once at night, which isn’t really a big deal because you’d be urinating all over yourself anyway…
Ryan- Okay so what if it happens at work…
Austin- I thought about that…I’d wear Depends to work every Monday through whenever it was that I defecated randomly then I’d switch back to the old boxer’s….The worst time would obviously be when you were out, but I’d just always have an extra pair of slacks. Plus, if Friday came around and I hadn’t shit myself yet, I just wouldn’t go out…If I had a girlfriend I’d ask her to stay in for a movie or, you know, wallow in my own self-pity caused by this inexplicable shitting disease.
Ryan- All right I can see it, but I’d still want to just pee every night…I’d have my wife sleep in another bed or maybe I could marry a urophiliac (He really said this)…I’m not really sure yet
Austin- I guess I could marry a poo-lover, what’s that called again?
Ryan- A coprophiliac….
Austin- Yeah…That’d be weird though…
Trevor- I can’t imagine someone who liked to be shit on or peed on could be classified as normal or someone you’d want to spend the rest of your life with…
Ryan and Austin- Yeah, I guess you’re right
Trevor- Anyone hungry?