Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

In that moment before I fall asleep at night, every night (unless I’m drunk), I have to come up with a reason to wake up again in the morning. In that self-reflexive moment, I need a reason to face this cruel, cruel world for the 25,000th time. During the fall and winter months, the reason is easy. You see, during the summer, I can think of a beautiful day awaiting me or summer Fridays that make me pine for my youth. In the spring, the Sun is peeking out from behind winter’s cold glare, and early autumn, oh early autumn was given to us by God. The cool breeze off-setting a beautiful day is reason enough for even the most bereaved person to rise in the morning. But late fall and Winter. What help do they afford me? What type of oasis exists in the fog of unhappiness so often associated with this time of the year? For years, decades, centuries even eons man has asked himself this same thing, crying out to the heavens in an almost singular voice, “What do we have to live for?” For so many years, in the winter, there was no answer. And then there was football; a shiny beacon of hope on this North American continent where once there was nothing. Football gives me a reason to get out of bed, it gives me a reason to go to work and make money and it gives me a reason to talk to the people I normally despise. Football is the great American unifier. The game itself is a simple one. Throw, Catch, Run, Hit. And this makes us happy. It’s also incredibly complex, with its innumerable schemes and formations all disguised to make the offense and the defense equally confounded. And this makes us happy. Winter is a seemingly austere time that, on the surface, is easily decoded, but only when you peel away the layers of the onion do you see its true beauty. The same is true of football (except with way uglier onions). This is my ode to football, the reason I live for Sunday, but it is not written without trepidation. You see, I am worried. Oh, I know football will continue, but will it bring me along with it? Thirty years from now, will I still be just as happy to wake up in the morning during these winter months because of some game developed for children? The true answer is, “I don’t know,” and I have only one thing to blame: Parity.

Parity may be “good” for the game because any team, in any given year, can absolutely come out of nowhere to take the league by storm. This gives the great unwashed masses, the fans of historically terrible teams, hope, and it keeps them waking up in the winter months, but what about me. I am a card carrying fan of the San Francisco 49ers, a once-proud franchise that now scores in excess of 3.4 points per game. What do I have, except my memories of Steve Young (I’m too young to remember Joe Montana as anything but a Chief). I chose the 49ers at the peak of their dynasty not to exist as a front-runner, but because my father was and is a HUGE Cowboy fan. I have never been sadder than when the Cowboys beat the 49ers in back to back NFC championship games, and I have never been happier than when the 49ers beat the Cowboys the following year thus ending Dallas’ attempt at three straight Super Bowls. In fact, I doubt I will ever be that happy again. Some things can only happen when you’re young. But here’s the thing, while parity gives everyone a chance to win, it keeps all but the very smartest from being able to achieve any semblance of greatness (This wouldn’t be a problem in many areas of life, but this is football we’re talking about. These guys are one step up from basketball GM’s). And this frightens me. Without great dynasties, where are the great rivalries? How can we pick sides? I mean, I know that this week features a “clash of the un-beatens” as the Patriots and Cowboys square off. But who will the clash feature next year? The Cowboys could have one key injury on their offensive line and the whole season could come tumbling down. That’s the problem with parity, no one is immune, not even the Patriots.

Now, this could be construed as a random 49er fan begrudging the league because his team is incredibly terrible. But that is simply not true. I don’t really care whether the 49er’s are one of the next dynasties or not, I only care that there are dynasties, and that when they form, we can all pick sides when we wake up on Sunday morning.

Onto my singular pick of the week because the rest of the games are barely worth watching

Patriots -6 over Dallas

So, here it is, the only dynasty left in the NFL playing the Cowboys, a team with as many Super Bowls as my beloved 49er’s. The game features a Brett Favre redux quarterback (Tony Romo) playing the modern day equivalent of Johhny Unitas (Mr. Brady, I presume). You know, football has been called a chess game many, many times, and I feel like these teams have equally strong chess pieces. Here’s the problem. New England has Bill Bellichick controlling his pieces and the ‘Boys have Wade Phillips. It’s like Gary Kasparov is playing a seven year old not named Bobby Fischer.

Here are the rest (Rif Raf of the NFL) of Chiggy’s picks, followed by Noe's sentence deeply analyzing the matchup (spellcheck says this is not a word..but FUCK them, spellcheck is also not a word on spellcheck) at hand.

Cincinnati -3 At Kansas City
KC sucks...and it's not in Kansas....The Johnsons (ocho cinco and Rudi) have big games. Da Natti.

Houston +6.5 At Jacksonville
The Jacksonville D is not too bad. Texans don't have 'Dre J, plus Gerrard is on my fantasy team. Again, they should have picked Reggie Bush. Jacksonville

At Cleveland -4.5 Miami
Kellen "I'm a soldier" Winslow....Cleo Lemon...They guy's name is Cleo Lemon..Does anyone remember Mrs. Cleo Psychic Service? Cleveland

Minnesota +5 At Chicago
I can't use the same fucking rant each week. Bears

Philadelphia -3.5 At NY Jets
The New Jersey Bowl.....Eagles

St. Louis +9.5 At Baltimore
This would have been the greatest Offensive v. Defensive Game...like 5 years ago...Why be less when you can B-More?

Tennessee +3 At Tampa Bay; Money line pick of the week
I will not mess with the "Money line pick of the week". Titans.

Washington +3 Green Bay
If this was at Lambeau, it would be the Pack. I will keep this pick since it was the one that was written right after the "money line pick of the week". 'Skins

Carolina +5 At Arizona
Who is more fucked, Carolina (Vinny) or Miami (Cleo)? Have you read ESPN lately Chiggy? Cards

Oakland +10 At San Diego
What are you thinking Chigozie? LT has to fucking break it open. He will pass/run/catch/intercept/fumble recover for 10 TDs. Bolts

New Orleans +6.5 At Seattle
It sucks that Mack Strong retired...How awesome is the name . You know what used to be an awesome name, Drew Brees...and Reggie Bush...and Marques Colston...They will be cool again, I think. Los Santos.

NY Giants -3.5 At Atlanta
Another opportunity to make fun of Micheal Vick but I will pass it up to make fun of ESPN for scheduling this game months ago for MNF. The joke's on them... EVEN