Thursday, January 10, 2008

Top 5 Losses of the year

5. OSU over Nebraska - Worst Nebraska loss in 49 years at home, in front of the 1997 NCAA Championship squad. This is the same OSU team whose coach went ballistic on a reporter for criticizing their QB.

4. Virginia over U-Miami – This was tough to watch. At their last game at the Orange Bowl, the U sucked it up against a surprising, but largely questionalble UVA team.

3. Pitt over WVU – WVU poised for its first national title bout, chokes to Pitt who has….well who do they have? I know they have Dan Wannstedt, but what the hell WVU?

2. Stanford over USC – The end of the first Pete Carroll dynasty as USC loses its first home game in 35. I’m a pretty big Trojans fan, but this was hard to swallow. Its ok though. Look for them to start out next year as either #1 or #2.

1. Appalachian St. over Michigan- Nothing will ever top this…ever. This set the stage for the entire season. This cost Lloyd Carr his job. This killed the Michigan program’s overwhelming and unwarranted pride. The Big 10 sucks and will always be overrated. Michigan football personifies this.


BCS postseason thoughts:


  1. They need a playoff. For once, I will support something that comes out of Georgia. Hours after LSU lifted their 2nd BCS title trophy, UGA proposed a system that would have an 8 team playoff. I like this idea only because the BCS produces some of the most lopsided games this season. OSU got blown out, but managed to salvage some pride in the final seconds to LSU. Illinois shouldn’t have even been a BCS team, getting destroyed by USC. Same thing to Hawaii who was handled by UGA. While I do agree with this, I am even more excited with the prospect of more college football. J
  2. Michigan will not be the same team next year, by any stretch of the imagination. Star Running back, O-Lineman, OLB, two wide outs, graduating senior QB Chad Henne, and the transfer of QB to be Ryan Mallett (6’7” Blue Chipper who’s leaving for Tennessee) Rich Rodriguez doesn’t have a QB yet for this new spread system that he will implement there, but look for him to push for Terrelle Pryor, a 6’6” 235 5 star recruit. In my degenerate gambler phase, I tried to put money on his team in the Army All American HS football game, which he won, but alas, the website I bet on didn’t have that.
  3. Pete Carroll will not leave USC. Another website I check has him staying/leaving at 90/10. I think it’s less than that. Still, if Carroll does vie a move for the NFL look for him to want full control over a contender (Skins) as opposed to a complete rebuild at Atlanta. In all I think its all a bunch of overhyped speculation. Who would want to leave USC? You have a consistent talent class that is among the top in the nation. You’re in beautiful Southern California. You are the winningest football coach in college right now. Stay there Pete, bring Ole’ SC a few more championships before you reconsider the pros.
  4. The Big 10 is overrated and will probably stay that way. Also OSU fans are among the most unbearable on the planet. I’ve spent time in Ohio (not even around Columbus) and though devout conservative Christians, these people would swear Jesus wore a sweater vest. Also there’s this guy. ‘nuff said.

Letsgotosmokes, The league, Update part II

In case you missed the introduction to our Fantasy League you can find that article here.

2008 opened with a BANG. 2008 the year of FUN and it started off excellently.

January 1, 2008: I woke up at 3 am in the home of Prolific, texted an assortment of people on the west coast and got ready to begin the trip. We would spend the entire day traveling to Richmond and miss the entire day of bowl games (Fight on!). Prior to heading out, I went online to check out the fantasy results of the past week. If you remember a while back when I wrote the first article on the league I was in last place and was in the process of being beaten badly. Two weeks in and all looked lost for War KG.

12th out of 12 players, terrible!

This bright dawn I checked out the rankings and War KG had risen to 1st Place! I couldn’t believe how the tables had turned; I promptly wrote a taunting message on the message board and proceed on with the trip.

Flashback to San Francisco and Orange County,

If you remember my initial article on the league I had not met a couple of the players in our league. Double Deuce had invited me (Tuesday) to visit him in San Francisco and I gladly accepted. In San Francisco I did not know what to expect, but what I did not except was to meet, Meatspin and Benzo. If you remember Meatspin was my mortal enemy and my goal for this league was to make sure I beat his team (Currently War KG 1 Meatspin 0). He was a super nice guy and I decided that I would forgo my grudge and find some other motivation to dominate our league. Meeting Benzo was also a treat, he called me War KG the whole time (as I called meatspin, “meatspin”) and he constantly discussed fantasy and trades with me. He then invited me to his Christmas party in Orange County. The next week at his party, I was privileged enough to meet EMOB, who also turned out to be a nice guy. I was still lacking the required motivation/ nemesis to turn up my fantasy juices.

Currently the top 6 teams in the standings are,

Meatspin (Currently War KG 1 Meatspin 0)
Warriors (Jron) (Currently War KG 0 Warriors 1)
War KG
GreatBenzoGhost (Currently War KG 1 Benzo 0)
MasteroftheUniverse (JW) (Playing this week)
Renaldo for MVP (Currently War KG 1 Renaldo 0)

This is pretty consistent with what I expected, and I can’t wait until the playoffs. Wade and LO are back and my team has only lost once since they have been back. I was still looking for a nemesis until JW decided to blow up my gmail

His consistent trash talking inspired the following idea

My idea,

When I win this league I will go out of my way to buy a WWE championship belt. Hopefully I can engrave LetsgotoSmokes champ on it, and then I will force each and every member to buy me drinks all night if I wear it out with them.

So if you see me walking around with a LGTS League championship belt feel free to buy me a drink.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

That Guy

There are moments in your life when you realize you are witnessing history. October 15, 2007 was one of those days. While multitasking at my desk, I was introduced to Softball Guy and quickly made a note to im Prolific about it.

“That just happened!” I exclaimed.

I then went out of my way to download and forward the rant to Prolific, JW, Smoke’s Girl and Double Deuce. This spawned the creation of numerous hypothetical “guys” that we had all encountered in our life. Finance Guy, Law School Guy etc, Then the trip happened.

Needless to say we met many “guys” on our trip. Prolific will detail the characteristics of each “guy” in the following days.

Prepare to meet,

Fake Angry Guy
Real Angry Guy
Annoying Black Woman (Guy)
Annoying Giants Fan (Guy)


Enjoy!

Note if you want the full version of softball guy please let me know by commenting on the blog.

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Trip

The trip has been completed. Noe and I will be constantly updating the blog with a recap of our exploits. I will begin with the end in mind.

Starting off, I would like to pontificate about future trips;

Alaska cruise? Vegas? LA? GEM Reunion Party?

Needless to say I will be heavily involved in the planning of all subsequent trips (playing it by ear)

Next I would like to acknowledge some individuals who allowed to the trip to be possible.

E. Valdez, Carlos, Asian Couple, Ani, Badu, Dome, Mr. & Mrs. Shawala, Emo, Albert, Ernie, Jess etc.

Special Thanks to Sr. Burgos, Luz, Mo NA, Joey and Lincoln.

Finally the trip would not have been possible without my road trip mates Prolific and P$

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Perfect Season

Double Deuce stated it perfectly, sports are not important. However sports do allow us to gain insights into human nature. The NFL season this year is no different.

The Patriots! The Dolphins! It’s on CBS!

Their continued quest for perfection, the delicacy and the ebbs and flows of human perception have been on display this season. For two straight weeks, the patriots were seen as vulnerable, their aura didn’t seem as infallible as it had all year. Then Patriots came out and defeated a powerful Steelers team and now they are seen as infallible again. The Dolphins similarly have appeared pretty hapless and have been comfortably seen as the seen as the worst franchise in football. However the Dolphins were favorites against the Jets late in the season. They subsequently lost and now are seen as locks to finish the perfect season.

The beauty in which Brady hit Jabber Gaffney in the end zone can be contrasted with irony of Cleo Lemon faking the handoff to the empty backfield (aka Danny). Perception has now become reality and the differences have been on the margins.

Expectations create reality as the Patriots are seen grimacing after 20 point blowouts. Similarly the Dolphins can be seen enjoying themseleves while in the midst of the “perfect” season.

Now, if sports aren’t so important why have I taken the time to blog about it? Sports don’t really matter unless you have a rooting interest and a few weeks ago during the Ravens game, I realize, I am a Patriots fan, something is extremely intriguing their quest. Randy Moss has always been one of my favorite players and I would also like to see the end of the ‘72 Dolphins reign. Life is always changing and I would love to write a new chapter in the history of sports. The Dolphins quest make it even sweeter as it puts direct focus on the Dolphins history.

Let the games begin

Friday, December 7, 2007

Sports: Saving the World one Kennel at a time

Lets get this out of the way right off the bat; sports are irrelevant. They don’t matter. Nothing about them matters. When you watch a pre-season game, the announcer of that game will continually jabber something along the lines of, “folks, the play has been a bit spotty today, but you can’t blame the competitors for their lack of motivation because these games don’t count yet.” Well, what does that mean? Aren’t all games, at their core, exhibitions? I mean, if Reggie Bush doesn’t get into the endzone again this Sunday, he’s not going to be executed. As much as die-hard fans want to believe it; football is not a life and death experience. This isn’t to say it’s not important—200 million sportsfans in 100 countries can’t all be wrong—because it is. But it’s definitely not substantial enough to deflect our gaze from things that are truly important; crime, education and the disenfranchisement of minorities to name a few things. Except that it does deflect our gaze. Apparently, Americans just aren’t multi-taskers. It would be impossible for us to enjoy sports and fix cultural and societal ills, so why even try?

All right, time to get down from my soapbox because I’m not purposefully writing an indictment of sport. Americans tend to deify athletes. We allow them to be paid too much while giving back nothing beyond entertainment. But this isn’t their fault, you know. There is another way to look at this. Sports aren’t of vital importance, and we can all agree on this. If we can all also agree that we place too much stock in teams that have nothing to do with ourselves beyond a shared tax base (and geographical proximity). Well, if we can all agree on all that garbage, saying sports aren't important, yet they retain this importance from so many of those same people then isn't it possible that sports actually are vitally important. Perception is reality, right. I mean, these people still care. Perhap, sports aren’t on par with food or water, but they’re close. Maybe sports are like the In-N-Out Burger of our diets. They aren’t necessary, but it’s no fun to live in a world without them. However, there’s much more to this analogy than simply saying, “It’s obvious, we like sports because they’re fun.” This is, most definitely, true. However, the same can be said about everything in life. Why do we love Casablanca? Because it’s a great movie, right? Is that the whole story though? Isn’t Casablanca a meditation on what the cost of doing the right thing is? What is the right thing anyways? And I know a lot of enjoyment can be sapped from things by intellectualizing them, but its one key to overcoming those people who would say we don’t need sporting ideals. It’s a way to say, “Hey, us pseudo-intellectuals love sports too.” These are the same intellectuals who decry teachers as the poor underpaid while neglecting to notice the sheer human excellence involved in the making of an athlete while glossing over the fact of the matter; way more people are qualified to be teachers than are qualified to be professional athletes.

Still, in the wake of tragedies like the Sean Taylor shooting I’m forced to wonder why we, as a society, place sports on such a pedestal. And this question quickly becomes even more elemental; why do I continue to place them on a pedestal? Like every thing that interests me, this argument comes back to me. But it’s the same for all of us. How do sports enrich your life? In my life, I tend to use sport as a prism through which I see the rest of the world. They allow me to create a worldview and they form my interactions with the world around me because almost everyone else has knowledge of sport to almost the same extent. This cannot be overstated. The fact that it allows me to see myself and to understand others is a reason for them to remain important. But there’s another even more important point to keep in mind. Sports are fun. They’re better than movies or theater because there is an objective winner, but they’re better than science because, played at their highest level, they are more art than science. Sometimes, an In-N-Out Burger is really a whole lot better than anything else.

Monday, December 3, 2007

A New Festure entitled "One Line at a Time"


“I thought we were through with all this,” I screamed in her direction, “But, honey, I guess we can never outrun our future. It’s always there, right in front of us.”

The woman peered at me for a second before finally saying, “You realize we’ve never met.”

Friday, November 30, 2007

Holiday Roustabout: F*&* &/or Yeah

You know, this is the time of year for merriment, giving, love and all-around happiness. I know this because I’m told by my television and radio announcers to have a “Happy Holiday.” Usually, this is the kind of herd mentality, mass marketing that would really grind my gears, especially because the ‘Niners are currently sporting a record of 3 and 8. But not this year; not this time. This time I’m going to push up my sleeves, wear something pastel in shade and pop my collar in honor of everything I’m happy about this holiday season.

I am eternally thankful that I know no less than two girls whom I call, “Heyyyyyy….you,” but that these girls continue to smile at me instead of pointing out the obvious and making me live down the mistake of constantly forgetting their names.

I could not be happier about watching a friend of mine sprain his ankle last night while leaving a bar. However, stay tuned for my after New year’s post entitled, “Karma Rubber Band Strikes Back,” or, “Karma’s a Bitch and its name is Matt.”

The return of the comedy has made me relatively happy this year. Seriously, if Knocked Up and Superbad coming out this year means that I don’t have to listen to American Pie 3 jokes about how wacky it is to get married anymore then Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow deserve every cent they earn over the next three or four millennia.

I’m ecstatic that laziness has taken the place of industriousness and is now a virtue, that Josh Smith is a monster fantasy basketball player and that white people are still decidedly bad dancers. It’s nice to know that while some things change; others never will.

Good Lord, I’m thankful for post-modernism. If you don’t really know what that term means then here’s a short definition. It means that instead of being creative and hard-working, I can just as easily be unimaginative and apathetic in writing this column because I’ve had the courage to point out the column's obvious flaws.

This holiday season has brought so much to so many. For example, for each person who reads this column a newborn angel will get its wings. However, when that angel flies over Africa, it will be shot by a poacher looking for condor, but do not despair each angel has the capacity to feed 12 starving African children and tastes great when cooked over an open flame. Save a life; read this article and don’t forget to thank your neighborhood poacher today.

Onto the Picks; as always Chigozie makes the picks and I write about them except when I decide he should. I don’t know; what do you want from me, huh? I’m at work. I’m just trying to write a fucking picks column, you know? Shit.

Atlanta +3 At St. Louis

It appears the NFL wants to fill American eyes with shit so that we don’t notice all the pig shit seeping into our river ways. What you didn’t hear about the pig shit problem? Well, didn’t the rash of manbearpigs roaming the countryside tip off the epidemic?

Buffalo +6 At Washington

The prevailing opinion is that The National Football organization has recently turned to garbage because of parity. I disagree; it’s always been mostly putrid except that now the putrid teams are on a revolving carousel of shittiness. This is still a bad thing; it makes it impossible for a young fan to identify with their team as either an asshat douchebag frontrunner who roots for a winner or a lovable idiot constantly rooting against his asshat overlords, hoping against hope that this is the year his shitty team breaks through. On a related note, I miss being a Forty-Niner fan in the ‘90’s.

Detroit +3.5 At Minnesota

Chigozie is an ignorant slut if he doesn’t realize the Lions have no business in this game. My prognosticators have informed me that Purple Jesus is ready to return from injury. I can tell you one thing, if he doesn’t rush for 200 yards or at least walk on water or cause a plague of locusts to be unleashed on the heathen Lions, I will have a crisis of confidence in my beliefs.


At Tennessee -3.5 Houston

Again, my chocolate friend is blinded my his mancrushes. The man has a ½ chub for Vince Young at all times. It’s actually really funny. If he’s doing the California Crotch Grind at a club and a girl mentions Vince Young, his boner actually grows. It’s science.

Jacksonville +6.5 At Indianapolis

This has all the makings of a game that could totally not suck. The NFL: Mediocrity at its most fannnnnn-tastic

NY Jets +1.5 At Miami

All right. I want you to think of all the things in your life that you suck at. Think of the things that you do on a regular basis that you just can’t stand. Now multiply that by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever, and you still will barely have a glimpse of how shitty the Dolphins are at their jobs.

At Kansas City +6 San Diego

The Chargers have a secret weapon in this game and his name is Ladainian Tomlinson. I know, I know; as gamblers we shouldn’t pin our hopes to unproven running backs whom no one has heard of this year, but seriously, I hear this guy is going to be good.

At Philadelphia -3 Seattle

Who cares?

At Carolina -3 San Francisco

Ugh. Watching the 49er’s these days is one level better than watching a train wreck when you’re on the train. I guess, I’m saying that it’s possibly the only thing shittier than quilting or going out to brunch with your girlfriends Cowboy loving parents.

At New Orleans -3.5 Tampa Bay

Perhaps if we told Reggie Bush that there was an endorsement in the endzone, he’d actually get there a few times.

Cincinnati +7 At Pittsburgh

The same goes for Fast Willie Parker. In fact an ode:

Willie Parker you are so fast
So why Willie Parker do you run out of gas
At the one yard line
Where it would be so fine
You must hate me; you are a horse’s ass.

Cleveland +1 At Arizona

The Cardinals only get one point against Horse Ball Anderson. What the fuck. That’s only like 17 points against the Patriots.

Denver -3.5 At Oakland

It’s really too bad that Horse Balls doesn’t play for the Broncos. That would be cool.

NY Giants -2 At Chicago

Betting on the Giants is like betting on a game of Russian Roulette in the Deer Hunter. You know you’re probably going to win a few times, but then at the end, Christopher Walken is going to get his head blown off while you cry into your hands. That was just me? No way.

New England -20 At Baltimore

After the close game last week, this line could be 74 and I’d halfway think the Patriots would cover it. They’re just that vindictive. But I can’t stay mad at them; I mean Boston’s a great town full of smart people who are always willing to give you directions on the best way to go fuck yourself. I mean, that’s true hospitality.


Monday, November 19, 2007

Corporate America II

If you missed the first installment of Corporate America you can find it here

Ernie had been working at B&B for a little while now. The work world was completely different than the educational confines that he had spent his whole life in. The social and expectation landscape was completely different than anything he ever experienced.

Sitting at his desk on another Monday morning Ernie was worn out from a weekend full of unsatisfying slaying. It was hard work to live up to his college nickname and being forced to slay every weekend for his friends in relationships who vicariously slayed through him. This weekend he had met up with a Puerto Rican stripper that he had met in a club……..

It was the first hour of the day, and Ernie figured that he would ease into the day, check out out the Wall Street Journal, Sherdog and Espn before he started his assignments for the week.

“Hello!” said Chris

“Damn”, Ernie thought.

Chris: “How was your weekend,” “Mine was great, I had a Kung Fu competition and I totally would have won but then I pulled a muscle in my lower back. The other black belts in Newark were lucky this week but they won’t be so lucky next time!”

Ernie: “It was alright, I just hung out”

Chris: “Jess, Jess, tell Ernie about how we almost hung out this weekend, but then your dog suddenly got sick we were totally going to do something super sweet!

Jess: “Uh yea, it totally would have”

Mark: “Hey Jess, too bad your dog got sick, I would have loved to hang out with you too. I was too busy Skydiving, you know I am certified instructor and if you ever want to go out, I’ll protect you.”

Jess: “Yeah, I guess so”

Mark was the deuche who was constantly trying to hit on Jess in the office even though it was apparent she wasn’t interested. Mark was slightly above average in a lot of things and therefore thought he was great. He would always try to one up Ernie even though he pretended to be his friend. Even more annoying Ernie actually liked Jess and wanted to settle down with her even though he would never admit his feelings to her out loud.

Why are all these people talking around my desk, Ernie thought. “I mean I am not really working but they don’t know that, I don’t really understand why people think its alright to huddle around my cube and start long winded conversations.

Oh to be Monday at B&B, this is going to be another long week.

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