Holiday Roustabout: F*&* &/or Yeah

You know, this is the time of year for merriment, giving, love and all-around happiness. I know this because I’m told by my television and radio announcers to have a “Happy Holiday.” Usually, this is the kind of herd mentality, mass marketing that would really grind my gears, especially because the ‘Niners are currently sporting a record of 3 and 8. But not this year; not this time. This time I’m going to push up my sleeves, wear something pastel in shade and pop my collar in honor of everything I’m happy about this holiday season.

I am eternally thankful that I know no less than two girls whom I call, “Heyyyyyy….you,” but that these girls continue to smile at me instead of pointing out the obvious and making me live down the mistake of constantly forgetting their names.

I could not be happier about watching a friend of mine sprain his ankle last night while leaving a bar. However, stay tuned for my after New year’s post entitled, “Karma Rubber Band Strikes Back,” or, “Karma’s a Bitch and its name is Matt.”

The return of the comedy has made me relatively happy this year. Seriously, if Knocked Up and Superbad coming out this year means that I don’t have to listen to American Pie 3 jokes about how wacky it is to get married anymore then Seth Rogen and Judd Apatow deserve every cent they earn over the next three or four millennia.

I’m ecstatic that laziness has taken the place of industriousness and is now a virtue, that Josh Smith is a monster fantasy basketball player and that white people are still decidedly bad dancers. It’s nice to know that while some things change; others never will.

Good Lord, I’m thankful for post-modernism. If you don’t really know what that term means then here’s a short definition. It means that instead of being creative and hard-working, I can just as easily be unimaginative and apathetic in writing this column because I’ve had the courage to point out the column's obvious flaws.

This holiday season has brought so much to so many. For example, for each person who reads this column a newborn angel will get its wings. However, when that angel flies over Africa, it will be shot by a poacher looking for condor, but do not despair each angel has the capacity to feed 12 starving African children and tastes great when cooked over an open flame. Save a life; read this article and don’t forget to thank your neighborhood poacher today.

Onto the Picks; as always Chigozie makes the picks and I write about them except when I decide he should. I don’t know; what do you want from me, huh? I’m at work. I’m just trying to write a fucking picks column, you know? Shit.

Atlanta +3 At St. Louis

It appears the NFL wants to fill American eyes with shit so that we don’t notice all the pig shit seeping into our river ways. What you didn’t hear about the pig shit problem? Well, didn’t the rash of manbearpigs roaming the countryside tip off the epidemic?

Buffalo +6 At Washington

The prevailing opinion is that The National Football organization has recently turned to garbage because of parity. I disagree; it’s always been mostly putrid except that now the putrid teams are on a revolving carousel of shittiness. This is still a bad thing; it makes it impossible for a young fan to identify with their team as either an asshat douchebag frontrunner who roots for a winner or a lovable idiot constantly rooting against his asshat overlords, hoping against hope that this is the year his shitty team breaks through. On a related note, I miss being a Forty-Niner fan in the ‘90’s.

Detroit +3.5 At Minnesota

Chigozie is an ignorant slut if he doesn’t realize the Lions have no business in this game. My prognosticators have informed me that Purple Jesus is ready to return from injury. I can tell you one thing, if he doesn’t rush for 200 yards or at least walk on water or cause a plague of locusts to be unleashed on the heathen Lions, I will have a crisis of confidence in my beliefs.


At Tennessee -3.5 Houston

Again, my chocolate friend is blinded my his mancrushes. The man has a ½ chub for Vince Young at all times. It’s actually really funny. If he’s doing the California Crotch Grind at a club and a girl mentions Vince Young, his boner actually grows. It’s science.

Jacksonville +6.5 At Indianapolis

This has all the makings of a game that could totally not suck. The NFL: Mediocrity at its most fannnnnn-tastic

NY Jets +1.5 At Miami

All right. I want you to think of all the things in your life that you suck at. Think of the things that you do on a regular basis that you just can’t stand. Now multiply that by infinity, and take it to the depths of forever, and you still will barely have a glimpse of how shitty the Dolphins are at their jobs.

At Kansas City +6 San Diego

The Chargers have a secret weapon in this game and his name is Ladainian Tomlinson. I know, I know; as gamblers we shouldn’t pin our hopes to unproven running backs whom no one has heard of this year, but seriously, I hear this guy is going to be good.

At Philadelphia -3 Seattle

Who cares?

At Carolina -3 San Francisco

Ugh. Watching the 49er’s these days is one level better than watching a train wreck when you’re on the train. I guess, I’m saying that it’s possibly the only thing shittier than quilting or going out to brunch with your girlfriends Cowboy loving parents.

At New Orleans -3.5 Tampa Bay

Perhaps if we told Reggie Bush that there was an endorsement in the endzone, he’d actually get there a few times.

Cincinnati +7 At Pittsburgh

The same goes for Fast Willie Parker. In fact an ode:

Willie Parker you are so fast
So why Willie Parker do you run out of gas
At the one yard line
Where it would be so fine
You must hate me; you are a horse’s ass.

Cleveland +1 At Arizona

The Cardinals only get one point against Horse Ball Anderson. What the fuck. That’s only like 17 points against the Patriots.

Denver -3.5 At Oakland

It’s really too bad that Horse Balls doesn’t play for the Broncos. That would be cool.

NY Giants -2 At Chicago

Betting on the Giants is like betting on a game of Russian Roulette in the Deer Hunter. You know you’re probably going to win a few times, but then at the end, Christopher Walken is going to get his head blown off while you cry into your hands. That was just me? No way.

New England -20 At Baltimore

After the close game last week, this line could be 74 and I’d halfway think the Patriots would cover it. They’re just that vindictive. But I can’t stay mad at them; I mean Boston’s a great town full of smart people who are always willing to give you directions on the best way to go fuck yourself. I mean, that’s true hospitality.