Happy Trails Quittin' Mittens, Howdy Republican Nominee John McCain

So Mittens called it quits today…err…not quits, but he’s “suspending his campaign”. This is a brash move by the Stormin’ Mormon of politics. This says that he thinks he can garnish enough support to win, but not right now. So this means if McCain suddenly collapses (by Romney’s doing or not) he’s in, or this may just be a bid for a 2012 run. Either way, Romney has gained a lot of positive support today from the ultra conservative right (despite their mormon-hating-nazi-sympathizing opinions…just kidding!) because McCain has made himself present as a moderate. However, history has shown that moderates have not won/been effective as Republican Presidents. Those that have been elected have generally been considered way-right as well (see: Ronald Reagan, George W Bush). In all, I firmly believe that history repeats itself, but am open to new data with this upcoming election. Furthermore, this means that McCain will get the Republican nomination sometime in the next few hours. When asked for comment, McCain said, "BRING IT HILLDOG!" and then flexed and barked...

Shout out to Melbourne, Australia. Aussie Aussie Aussie!!!!!

District Deliberations: Winners & Losers (1=biggest)

Losers

10. Boston – Unfortunate to name a whole city as losers here, but they were just such heavy favorites and its Bahston. On many gambling sites, they were as much as a 14 point favorite against an unlikely Giants team. For them to lose by three, well they just suck, and the fact that many "grown men were crying" inside of many local Bahston bars and pubs only clarifies this further. The chants of “Yankees suck” and “Go Sawks” never stop, but they were in full force when the clock hit zero on Sunday. For this Bahston fricken sucks wihked haad.

9. Bill Simmons- a native Bostonian and overall pain in the ass. Simmons writes as if Boston itself is the second coming of Jesus. He had plans to party with Tom Brady after a win and already had his championship perfect season article written. He bought a new Randy Moss jersey to commemorate the occasion. But then his trip to Arizona turned unhappy, when that Giants team won.

8. Career Builder.com and Sales Genie.com- These were two of the worst ads during the big game. Career Builder showed a woman’s heart (I thought it was something else) jump out of her chest and quit. It was creepy, inartistic, and disturbing. Sales Genie is even worse. Their openly racist cartoons featuring an overworked Indian dude and a Chinese Panda succeeding because of this website was awful. Very poor taste, and stupid.

7. New England Patriots – THEY LOST. LOOOOOSERRS! Tedy Bruschi…LOSER. Tom Brady…LOSER. Bill Belichick…LOSER…Randy Moss…LOSER!!!!! 17-14=18-1=LOSER!

6. Fox Sports Football Robot - This thing got its ass kicked by Terminators... Sorry dude, YOU LOSE!

5. Kobe Bryant - Just when you thought you couldn't get rid of him... SHAQ's BACK. The over the hill 7'1" big man just got traded to the Suns for Marion, and now I think Shaq will only play, if for no other reason, just to piss off Kobe Bryant. To remind everyone of the history between them, Shaq and Kobe won a lot, then Shaq left, and then only Shaq won, while Kobe faced a sexual misconduct proceeding and allegations of ball-hoggery. Overall, he's had to deal with a lousy Lakers team that will only suffer more in the west now that the Big Aristotle is going to be philosophizing all over his ass/Big Baryshnikov will dance all over his ass/ Dr. Shaq will be doctoring him all over the floor.

4. Smoke's Girl- this is more of a tragic tale then calling her a loser. Smoke’s Girl originally from Stamford, CT. Smoke’s girl is one of the fifth of Americans who can’t locate New England on a world map. Mistakenly she believes shes from New York even though shes a native New Englander. When Plax scored the winning TD, she should have been devastated, but instead she became one of the many casualties of the border war. (I think she attempted to engage in a “back bump” with Emo). Also, she hasn't written for the blog in a while...Loser

3. Henry Clay - This dude lost the presidential election in 1832, 1840, 1844, and the nomination in 1848. He lost his first criminal case. He is often referred to as the "Great Compromiser", yet during his era, he was known as an "old mackerel at night" for his constant stinking and then shining. He tied a duel because his opponent didn't fire at him, but rather into the air, after Clay had already missed twice. During his 1844 campaign, the most successful anti-whig pamphlet produced was one entitled "21 Reasons Why Clay Should Not Be Elected". After he lost the nomination in 1848, he exclaimed "I'd rather be right than president" which has been a catchphrase for bitter losers since then.

2. Mitt Romney- Sucks to be this guy. He was winning in several states before supporters of McCain and Huckabee colluded to not let him win. In West Virginia, Romney was way ahead with the other two split. Then all the McCain people threw their support for Huckabee (who was marginally ahead of McCain) and BAM. The Huck wins the Western Virginia, and Mittens loses.

1. Tiki Barber. I ranted about this yesterday, but Tiki left at what was the prime of his career. He left a team that he thought lacked QB leadership. He criticized the coaches. But then the won the Super Bowl. Also the Barber Shop on Sirius sucks. He's a beat reporter for NBC and never has anything of value to say. In this interview, I thought he was about to cry... Sorry Tiki, you were great, but this week, you lose.

Winners

10. People in Animal Costumes – most unexpectedly funny commercial of the Super Bowl.

9. John McCain - He seems to be gaining even more support. Like ELI and the G-MEN he was left for dead when he had no campaign money and his highest staff members left. But now, people are conspiring against his biggest rival (see: Mittens) in order to help get him the nomination. Also he's a war hero and a proud American (play: Hulk Hogan theme music). Maybe our next president?

8. Mr. Met - The silent jovial face of the NY Mets organization. Born in 1963, he is believed to be the first MLB mascot to appear in a human(oid) form. His popularity became so great that he was given a family (Lady Met and several baseball headed children). He has won 2 world series championships with the team, and his number 00 was officially designated to him when Tony Clark switched his jersey number to 52 in order to honor Mr. Met's service to the team. He has appeared in numerous sketches on Conan and Sports Center. His face is on Mets' currency, and he was, this past year, inducted into the Mascot Hall of Fame and a spokesmen for subway safety on MTA. Hats off to this ball-headed hero.

7. Stains – the best commercial of the Super Bowl because nobody had any idea what was going on until the product was displayed. It was also very reminiscent of Steve Carell in Bruce Almighty.

6. 1972 Dolphins…. Are allowed to keep popping that Champaign and Mercury Morris still maintains being relevant… this might have to go to the other column.

5. Bud Light- had some of the best ads in the Super Bowl, especially Will Ferrell playing Jackie Moon, the wine&cheese get together, and the Dr. Dolittle spoof (came out before the big game, but still funny)

4. Noe Burgos – He got wasted in a New York City the night of the biggest upset in recent history. (G-Men!)Rumor has it Mr. Burgos bought DNYGF-Q a drink and is also now the proud owner of an Eli jersey. He also excels in law school and enjoys long walks on the beach. bELIeve…Fo Sho.

3. New York - As a native New Yorker, anytime we beat Boston in anything is good, but winning the Super Bowl is great! The Mets got Johan Santana. The Proc is visiting. The Prolific resides here. All NY Teams that play outdoor sports are getting new stadiums. Bloomberg is the Mayor. Things are good in the big apple.

2. The New York Football Giants - THEY WON THE SUPERBOWL!

1. Eli Manning - AND HE IS THE MVP. After all this poor kid has been through with being nearly run out of town, inconsistent, and not an elite qb, Eli has shown through sheer gut, grits, and determination that he can lead a team to football's highest honor. Best of all, he did it with a smile! None of this Phillip Rivers gloating bullshit, Eli manning accomplished this through poise and fortitude. This dude is a rockstar and a great role model. He doesn't showboat; he doesn't let the media effect him; he just does his job...well. Kudos Eli, you rock.

And for no reason, everyone's favorite secretary, Pam Beasley, and the happy met couple...

Get a Suns Jersey Fellas

I had previously planned to write an article about a Laker’s Jersey Search. While I was slightly skeptical about the Gasol Trade, as a Laker fan I felt I needed to jump back on the bandwagon. I needed a new Lakers Jersey, because I had lost my old O’Neal one and couldn’t figure out which one to buy.

While Kobe would have been the most logical choice I couldn’t support the Mamba and quickly shot that idea down. Lamar? Are you kidding me, I still believe he should be traded so I wouldn’t buy his Laker Topps card much less his Jersey. Gasol? Not feeling the long haired Spaniard. Fish? Didn’t I used to make fun of a kid for wearing a Glen Rice Jersey based on the Chiggy rule (you don’t but jerseys for role players).

So I had finally decided Id just buy another Lakers O’Neal jersey and support the Lakers that way. Then it happened. Shaq to Phoenix for Marion and Banks. While this throws a wrench in my jersey buying plans and my moving to Miami plans to watch Shaq’s 5th titles. Phoenix is a much shorter flight and the timetable for his 5th ring got pushed up to 2008. Now the Laker jersey conversation is mute because I’m getting a Suns jersey fellas.

Fuck You's

So since it took me 45 minutes to get to work this morning (accident and I live 2.5 miles away) I’m going to start off the day with a few Fuck You’s to everyone who needs to hear it.

1. Fuck You, New England Patriots Fans. No more of this 19-0 bullshit. No more perfect season. No more golden boy coming through in the clutch. Fuck you New England Patriots Fans.
2. Fuck You, pundits who try to say that the Patriots are a classy bunch of players. They’re cheaters. They’re performance enhancing pricks. They are not doing the world a great service by losing and sending their championship paraphernalia to different countries. Every team does that. Do not defend this team, they lost. Fuck you pundits who try to say that the Patriots are a classy bunch of players.
3. Fuck You, people who get hard for politics. Super Tuesday will never be better than the Super Bowl. I don’t get a half a second to revel in the Giants victory before all of this political bullshit gets shoved right down my throat. Fuck you people who get hard for politics.
4. Fuck You, Tiki Barber. What do you think of your former team now, you spotlight stealing cancer? This is the team that had no QB leadership. This is the team that had a hard-ass coach that couldn’t win the respect of his team. This is a team that was going to miss his ability to run and catch that they wouldn’t be able to win! Fuck you Tiki Barber.
5. Fuck You, Boston Herald. 19-0? You cocky sons of bitches. I hope that makes good tinder somewhere. Fuck You, Boston Herald.
6. Finally, Fuck You, Bill Simmons. Just because, you try to take the high road, when you knew when that clock struck zero all you were thinking was "Awww, fawk da Pats, Go Sawks!" just like every other Bostonian. This is because you can't pick games better than your wife. This is because you knew you had a championship article written like the Boston Herald had a book deal. Fuck you Bill Simmons.
   

17-14 = 18-1.....GIANTS WIN!!!!!!!!!!!

It’s been a little over 15 hours since Eli and the mighty New York Football Giants ended the Patriots string of consecutive wins. I cannot be happier at this moment in my football watching history.

On draft day four years ago, when the Giants made a seemingly impossible trade, giving up Phillip Rivers for an unpolished member of football’s royal family, NY had high expectations that this risk would yield a huge reward. At this point, it was seen by many as the most undeserved coup in history. An SEC quarterback with “ok” stats, when you could get another QB who’s just as qualified? And at least you don’t have to give up another pick. This seemed ludicrous, but the G-men's front office knew what it wanted. This didn’t really matter early on though. Eli struggled through his first season, and NY and other media services jumped on his back to bring him down, as he didn’t make the playoffs his first year. The Giants had looked promising behind Kurt Warner, yet put Eli in half way through to allow for "growing pains". To put salt in the wound, the draft pick they surrendered for Eli turned out being Shawne Merriman, who has proven himself as a perennial Pro-Bowler/ steroid user / freak. Eli continued to progress, despite claims of inconsistency. The media continued to put him down as "Peyton's lil bro" and placed him as one who would never reach elite status. The media outlets touted him as trade bait this off-season due to inconsistency and used him as a scapegoat for Tom Coughlin's lack of success in NY. This year, Eli finally started to come into his own. Some struggles, but overall he looked like he had finally developed into the QB they had expected...most of the time. Finally last night, after 3 great playoff games before, Eli reached the top of the football pyramid as the MVP of the Super Bowl Champion NY Football Giants. So to the NY Giants, Eli, Strahan, et al, Congratulations, you deserved it.

On the other side of the field, everyone is trying to figure out what happened. Some have speculated that Spagnuolo (Giants Defensive Coordinator) had several different sets of signals that the Pats couldn’t steal, thus resulting in Belicheats inability to coach around the Giants’ defense. Others simply say the Pats just peaked too early. They had an unconvincing win against a battered Chargers team 2 weeks ago. They barely won against the Ravens and Eagles. Maybe they just couldn’t sustain being that motivated for that long? My theory is that Brady is hurt. He pulled out of the Pro Bowl today. He couldn’t throw the long ball accurately last night for shit(save the one on 3 & 20 that the Giant’s defended). He looked rattled and uncomfortable. He took his licks. There was a period of time where the Pats ran the ball at least 7 plays consecutively. I know the G-Men's D was great. That is a factor. But some of Brady's throws looked like there was a complete lack of communication or Brady just couldn't throw it the way he's used to. I'm picking the latter, and if anyone has a better idea of why he was so inaccurate and inconsistent last night, please let me know.

That being said, Eli Manning is the Super Bowl MVP. The Patriots go 18-1, tying the records of the 1984 49ers and 1985 Chicago Bears (both of whom won the Superbowl btw). I am jubilant to have a championship team in New York again. However, it was a Pyrrhic victory for me this weekend. The gambling site I use crashed as I was placing my bets, so none were entered. I called ¾ picks in my last post (which 20 dollars would have won you 68) and had so much more to bet, that would have won. Alas, I will walk away from the Super Bowl happy with a Giants win, and happy with the 50$ I won, that I had placed on them to win right after they beat the Packers. Bittersweet, almost.