The Roustabout: Next

Armageddon has many meanings. However, one of its meanings is most definitely not, “a game between two teams in Week 9 of a football season.” It’s already a bit preemptive to think that football could ever exhibit Armageddon-onical qualities, but for the sake of argument, let’s just say that it could. Even in this world I’ve created Armageddon could not happen in the middle of the season. So, why am I even mentioning this, right? I mean, who has called this Patriots-Colts game Armageddon. The answer; every sportswriter in the football world. They’ve all over-inflated the importance of this game. I mean, it’s going to be a good game, but its still just a regular season contest, you know. There are a lot of reasons this game isn’t the end-time (one being that the Catholic Tom Brady has yet to turn into the anti-Christ), but I think the clearest reason is semantic.

So what does Armageddon mean, exactly.

Any mention of it in the Bible has to do with the place where the final battle between good (God) and evil (the anti-christ) occurs. In the parlance of our times, it means something a little different if still very similar; a decisive and catastrophic conflict. So, is this Sunday Armageddon? In the biblical sense, no? In the football sense, though? The answer is still no.

The winner of this game will play another game next week. The Patriots will have seven more games left and the Colts eight. That is, literally, contrary to decisive. Hell, both of these teams are universally seen as the class of the NFL. In all likelihood, they’ll be playing again in late January for the right to go onto the Super Bowl and demolish whoever the NFC decides to send to the slaughterhouse. Perhaps, in late January, when Tom Brady has been revealed as the anti-Christ and it is revealed that the only path to enlightenment is to trust in Peyton Manning, perhaps then we can talk a bit about Armageddon, but for now I’d like to live in ignorance of the end-time for a bit longer.

Onto the write-ups of the worthy games. As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and the write-up is mine. If I think that chocolate face is being a damn fool, you’ll know.

Washington -3.5 At NY Jets

Green Bay +2.5 At Kansas City

Did you know that Brett Favre loves football. There’s a lot of things that I didn’t know. Apparently every year he goes and speaks the gospel at the Wailing Wall. He’s a modern day Micah. This sis something to remember when rooting for this game. If Brady is the anti-christ; Favre has been telling us about him for years and all of us pagans just overlooked it.

At Tampa Bay -3.5 Arizona

At Tennessee -4 Carolina

At Atlanta -3 San Francisco

I cannot believe I’m going to write this, but San Francisco is going to win this game. How do I know this, you ask. Because I heard it on the radio. The Niners’ cornerback, Nate Clements, guaranteed a victory, and the Falcons just don’t have the gumption or know-how to make him a liar.

At New Orleans -3.5 Jacksonville

Don’t tell Chigozie, but we have Drew Brees starting on our team this week. I’m back on the Brees-wagon, and there’s still some space available.

On another note, I peruse wayyyyyyyyyyy too many fantasy football magazines. Did you know, that Brees’ footwork looked atrocious in the beginning of the season, but that now he looks much more comfortable in the pocket? Really, that’s true? I haven’t even seen him play yet this year, but I feel like I’ve watched every snap. Thank you free time.

At Detroit -3 Denver

Cincinnati PK At Buffalo

San Diego -7 At Minnesota

San Diego ran 40 plays last week and scored 35 points. That’s the sort of information, you need to know.

At Cleveland -1 Seattle

New England -5.5 At Indianapolis

The winning quarterback of this game is the Anti-Christ because Gregg Easterbrook said so. And I think the chances of me ever writing that sentence were about the same as me writing this sentence: Chigozie Amadi has relations with a supermodel.

At Oakland -3 Houston

Dallas -3 At Philadelphia

You know what, there are a lot of good games this week. In this one I see Donovan McNabb as a beautiful bird who will throw passes that fly away from the Cowboys. The only problem is that McNabb is a California Condor and the Cowboys are power lines. This game is not going to end well.

At Pittsburgh -9 Baltimore

Losers becoming winners in the 21st Century or Things Are Looking Up For Me

I wrote this in my younger and more formative years. It was the quicket thing I've ever written (I think it took me about 20 minutes), and I never even really gave it another look. It was originally published at elevationmag.com, but seeing as the best American sport is in the nascent stage of its current season, I thought it was an opportune time to put it on the web log.

When Did Losing Become Acceptable?

Guys; from the day that we understand random grunts in succession have meaning our fathers ingrain into our domes that we are meant to be virtuous. We are to pull chairs out for women, to pay for them, and to listen to them talk about shoes. We learn the difference between right and wrong, and good and bad. We are taught to win with grace and lose with dignity (And that losing sucks). In short, we are taught the meaning of nobility. A few years later we will forget all of it until (I presume; as I don’t, in fact, have a son) our own son is born and we teach him a bunch of things he’ll forget until (I presume) his son is born. Still, most rational people have a basic understanding of nobility and of its generally beneficial properties. My question is why do people seem more noble in defeat?

After Michael Jordan scored 63 in a losing effort, against the Celtics, Larry Bird said, “That was God disguised as Michael Jordan out there…”I guess, since the Celtics won, Larry Legend was implying that the 1986 Celtics could beat the all-powerful creator, but aside from that, Michael Jordan’s team LOST. Jordan is (perhaps) the greatest competitor to ever lace up a pair of sneakers and, obviously, the 63 points is not his iconic gift to the game, but it may be his most stunning singular feat. He scored 63 points against, maybe, the third best team ever assembled. (Definitely a top 5 pantheon team), and he lost the game. This brings me to another question: When did losing become acceptable? The thing is; I know it wasn’t acceptable to Jordan, but as time wears on it seems to have become acceptable to everyone else. Writers, pundits and fans remember it as one of the greatest games ever played in a losing effort. I’m sure Jordan sees it as a missed opportunity and a learning experience. Perhaps it was both but the question is; why do we care? I can’t answer the question, but I’d bet it relates to Clint Eastwood crying, metrosexuality and the continued marginalization of the All-American man.

To this day, when people (my dad) look back on Jordan’s 63 they always say it was one of the most amazing performances they have ever seen (It probably was). But his team still lost. Why is it that when a person leaves everything on the playing surface only to come up short, people suddenly martyr him? Did losing while scoring gobs of points actually enhance his legend? What if he had won? What would people say then? Would they have said Larry Legend and the Celtic 5 left it all out on the floor? Would the Celtics have then been sympathetic? More importantly, why does 63 points in a losing effort add to the lore and allure of Michael Jordan? I think something deeper is going on here. There is something sacrilegiously beautiful about human excellence coupled with human failure. That’s why people, in their minds, are actually happy when professional golfers chunk a shot…or they nod knowingly—and say they knew it was going to happen—when Donavon McNabb loses another close playoff game. It humanizes a group of people who, for all intensive purposes, are inhuman. For most of us, going an entire round without a chunky shot is impossible and the way Donavon reads a defense is both beautiful and infuriating; it is inhuman. But the fact that he loses on the biggest stage and in the most spectacular ways possible (the fact that he chokes) that is something we can all relate to. We crave excellence but revel in its failure precisely because they are doing things we can only dream about. But maybe there’s something more to this because the thing is Michael Jordan is now a winner whereas Donavon McNabb is not.

Perhaps Jordan’s 63 only add to his lore because of what he went on to do with his career. Six World Titles later the 63 against the Celtics was a happy afterthought. It was one singular game where his greatness was more apparent than ever before. But this is counterfactual engineering. What if Jordan had never won a title (Also counterfactual engineering)? At the time of his post-season scoring record, he had not yet won one. Would his career then have been remembered similarly to that of Dominique Wilkins’? Maybe he would have just been remembered as a no holds-barred gunner forever.

The thing is, he did win six titles so we can remember the game fondly, but my question still remains; why do we look back fondly on a game in which the greatest basketball player ever played his best and couldn’t manage to win? I think there are two possible answers to this query. It could be that as we look back on his career and we ruminate over his legacy it becomes more and more apparent that, in his prime, he was not human. If he hadn’t retired the first time he may have won eight straight world titles, but the fact that at one point in history he had given it his all and it hadn’t been enough reminds everyone that failure is okay as long as through failure one reaches greater heights than before. I wish this was true, but I know that its not. In truth, it probably reminded people of their own failures (especially) in athletics, probably in high school, when they just hadn’t had enough or weren’t good enough to win. Perhaps this is what Jordan’s failure showed America. The greatest basketball player in the world played as well as he could. And he lost. It must be okay to lose. Actually it’s not, but it does almost make losing seem more noble.

Rockie Fan v Eagles Fan

Sitting in the Denver bowling ally this past weekend I had a flashback to PHILLY. Home of SMOKES! The World Series had just ended and Rockie fan (my friends) had a split second of disgust and disappointment in their eyes. It reminded me of being in the sports bar in Philly when the Eagles had just lost the Super bowl because McNasty had managed the clock like a five year old learning how to tell time.

I flash backed to a time when that disgust permeated the whole city and collectively leads to an extreme ruckus: Kicking trashcans, fighting (retarded) Pats Fan in pats gear; getting arrested; walking home. The look in Rockie fan’s eye reminded me of something I had grown to forget in the land of the angel, passion. But then it disappeared as quickly as it came and Rockie fan went on with their day. “It’s alright they said, we didn’t even expect to get to the World Series anyways. Maybe next year”

WHHHAAAT!! Maybe this reaction was confined to my location on the 16th Street Mall; I had to get closer to the stadium. But alas, I passed hordes and hordes of Rockies fan and they all had the same look in their eyes. Content, the team had given its all and has exceeded expectation. It wasn’t the end of the world or nothing; Rockie fan was going to sleep well that night.

The rest of the trip provided strict contrast to everywhere I had ever been. JW ranted on womanese (he promised the blog is coming). I once again succeeded in surviving the experience of Illegal Pete's, a dude bought me a drink on a plane and I discussed the return of my blog brother.

Life is good in Denver Colorado.

Update: I spent Halloween weekend in Denver and I had the best costume ever! I was "chocolate face". Apparently they had never seen anything like that before and I won the costume contest for the most originality. I thought my costume was ok, but I really like the slut costume that most of the girls had on. Too bad it wasn't that original! Basically almost every girl had it on. Even though I had a "costume" and I approve of the common slut costume (only for girls) I still think that anyone over eight who dresses up is a loser and you can't tell me otherwise.

NBA PREVIEW Part II

Big Ticket and Company (The Big Three)

Is there any other story in the NBA more exciting than this? A once proud franchise fell on hard times last year. A cache of young players tanking for a chance to play with Oden or Durant, and then they fell in the draft lottery. All was lost in Boston and then a ray of hope came on draft day. Allen was coming to team with Pierce. But the team was a mismatch of youth and experience and the prospects for the season still did not look good. Seeing enough promise for a championship, KG agreed to a trade to Boston and the Big Three was formed.

Stylistically these three players seem to mesh well, and we all know that they have the fire. What is going to stop them from winning the east and playing for the championship? The common answer, supporting cast. However I do not think this will be the case and I think they will roll through the The eastern conference playoffs. Final eastern projections will come in the subsequent weeks

Updates, the Big three have looked good. So far they are 3-0 and have looked rather dominant.

NBA PREVIEW Part I

Been slacking on the blog recently but I have a couple of post coming soon. Lucky for all of you, I am “that” guy and can whip out an NBA season preview in the matter of minutes. The NBA season is upon us suddenly and if you didn’t take time to prepare I can give you a quick update.

Top NBA Story lines (notice I didn’t say that I would choose 10, I think that is clichéd and it leads to writers and commentators reaching for additional story lines.)

K. O. B. E.

Let me throw this out there, Kobe WILL be traded. For who? For what? I think it is pretty obvious that Laker’s will not trade him within the conference unless they receive an offer they can not refuse (i.e. Amare and Nash for Kobe or Dirk and Josh Howard for Kobe). That brings us to the Eastern Conference. The team that has been garnering the most attention has been the Chicago Bulls (“Get a bulls jersey fellas”) and for good reason. It is one of the locations in which Kobe would approve a trade and also has the necessary cache of young talent and matching contracts. Well I can stop those thoughts right now that trade will not happen. First of all besides the fact that LA is not a Luol Deng city (insert Napoleon Dynamite “dang”). The two player’s that LA would need to get to approach fair value for Kobe, Deng and Ben Gordan have both refused 5 year $50 million dollar extensions within the last week. Why would the Laker’s trade for guys that they might not be able to keep? Also Chicago has a reluctance to include Deng in the deal which I for one am pretty confused by, Luol Deng or Kobe, Deng or Kobe. Tough Choice. I understand Deng has “TUP” and they are in love with his defense, “length” and “wingspan” but cmon. LA will not complete a trade with chicago with out Deng (insert Napoleon Dynamite “dang”).

If not Chicago then who? I didn’t think it could ever happen

The trade, Kobe to the pistons for Rip Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince and Jason Maxiel and 2 first round draft picks. Why this will work. Kobe is sent out of the western conference and they Lakers are able to obtain some solid value for Bryant and get some young pieces. Think what you will but that’s just the way I see it. Issue number two of the NBA season will be discussed tomorrow.

I choose the Undergrad Bathroom

Here's a random story about Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20;

So I was taking a piss in one of the two urinals in our bathroom. When I had come in, there was another dude taking a piss in the taller one so I went to the other one. I'm minding my own business when another dude comes up. So, naturally I look to my left. If I knew the guy I was prepared to give the little nod of acknowledgement. Well it turns out its Rob Thomas. So, I do a double take say, "How's it goin man," and go back to peeing.

He comes back with, "Dude, I'm happy you're using that urinal because you know what, I ain't hung down there, don't tell anyone." This is followed by about ten seconds of silence. It doesn't really say anything about me because there is a partition between the urinals, but geez, it just might be the single greatest reason to never talk while going to the bathroom, at least not to Rob Thomas.

As soon as Double Deuce recounted that story, I was immediately grateful that Thomas didn't pull a Craig on my good buddy. The public restroom is a dangerous place.

Slammin’ to the Oldies

Every day I wake up. This is not surprising.

So, I wake up, I get out of bed. I drag a comb across my head. Then I turn on my television. I’m not really sure why I do this.

I mean, I already know what I’m going to see in general terms. Why do I need to see the specifics before I even get to my car where I will, most likely, turn on the radio and listen to all the same news I saw on the television? I don’t know the answer to this question—even though I DO know that I DO need to know all this information. And why do I need to know this economic class porn? It’s simple; I need to know all about the rift between Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff because I’m worried about other people knowing this information and leaving me in the knowledge dust. There is nothing more frightening than being out of the loop conversationally. I guess this is why I watch the news in the morning. But it DEFINITELY doesn’t make it right.

Now, this attitude towards news isn’t exactly ground-breaking (or interesting) information, but it is relevant. There are two problems with the way news is relayed in a 24-hour cycle. The first is endemic, the other surreal. The first problem with a 24-hour news cycle is that it marginalizes important information. I mean, what constitutes news? Was the attack on the World Trade Center, in September of 2001, news? Well, of course it was. It was on Fox News. But what about Paris Hilton going to jail? Well, shit, that was on Fox News as well. So then, what constitutes news? From my—admittedly spotty—memory, these two occurrences ate up about the same amount of airtime, and who’s to say which story is more important to Americans? How do we know? Is it ratings? Because I’d bet Paris did better there. Is the only important news the sort that affects the greatest number of Americans? Because that was definitely 9/11. Now, obviously (probably), September 11^th was much more important, but that’s not really the point. The point is that the newscycle blurs the line between important information (like when the Fed lowers rates to improve a housing crisis threatening to plunge our economy into recession which would cause a loss of jobs and in conjunction a crazy drop in the marginal utility of Americans throughout this land) because it has to. Television is a results driven organization, in general, and in that idiom results means ratings. And real news does not drive ratings. It’s the same reason that newspapers are folding all over the place while rags like the New York Post continue to grow. News is not fun. News is depressing, and depressing does not sell. Paris Hilton is the new America; she is the literal amalgamation of the twenty-four hour newscycle and there is nothing anyone can do about this now. The problem isn’t that important things become less important, even though they do. The problem is that, in order to fill up one hell of a lot of programming, un-important things have to become life or death propositions on the air. It is the nature of the newscycle beast. Some things are important and are still important, but their relative importance is marginalized every time Nicole Richie’s weight, Kiefer Sutherland’s drinking habits or Tom Sizemore’s drug addiction is discussed on purported news stations (or even on Larry King).

There is an obvious disconnect here, namely I am decrying a system—in this case, the 24 hour newscycle—by talking about it, which is exactly how these stories get their legs in the first place. When I turn on the television in the morning, it’s not as if the talking heads of Matt Lauer or Meredith Vieira are cheerily espousing that inebriated driving is a good thing as long as it’s done by a movie star.

The problem isn’t what they feel about what they’re saying, it’s that they are saying it at all. They are creating the iconography of the story. It justifies MSNBC, Fox News, CNN and all the rest because now they can say, “Breaking News: Paris Hilton has sex as reported by NBC this morning,” and this is the danger to our culture in this new age. Our Godzilla is no longer a big green monster rampaging over cities, nor is it “real news” like terrorism. Our Godzilla in the new age is Paris Hilton becoming a star because she’s rich, it’s a society of young people realizing they have the power to create news using the internets. It’s the constant pull of having any and all information at our fingertips whenever we may need or want it and, in conjunction, program directors doing their best to sate our appetites. In this new world we’ve created the twenty-four hour news cycle; we’ve let Godzilla out of Pandora’s Box, and now we can only hope to minimize the destruction.

Links

Slightly depressed that the Sports Gal is out with a stomach, I couldn't motivate myself to post a full blog. Instead I decided to provide the readers of "Letsgotosmokes" with the links to some of my favorite videos.

As most of you know Noe is from Miami and is a huge fan of the U. As a request for Noe, I would love to see the U get together for an alumni weekend (Homecoming works too) and do a remix of this track. Imagine versus by Shockey (The Renegade), Kellen Winslow (the Receiver/ Warrior) and Warren Sapp!

JW is in the process of two special tasks. The first is to purchase my CU themed shirt, and the second is to post his first blog. Needless to say, you are all in for a treat.

You can have your soldja boy, Ill be getting my roll on.

A little lesson on gun safety

The "Letsgotosmokes" preparty battle cry

Dennis Green v Bears. Just a "Letsgotosmokes" classic.

The Roustabout

I touched on the problem with parity last week, but I’m going to decry it a bit more now. It makes each week of NFL games boring. Unless the Patriots are playing the Colts, what’s the point in watching? The games might be close or they might not be, but, really, who cares? They aren’t going to be fun to watch. That’s the reason we NEED dynasties. Dynasties give us games we know we NEED to watch instead of week after week of dreck. And sure, sometimes (by sometimes, I mean all of the time) there will be some awful games, between awful teams, but that already happens now except the line between the terrible teams and the good teams is blurred to the point that it is impossible to tell the difference. If you don’t believe me, then tell me what happened to New Orleans this year in their first four games. It’s easy to forget now, but that team was playing for the chance to go to the Super Bowl a mere nine months ago.

When dynasties become part of the equation, they set up clashes week in and week out. It gives us a reason to watch, so that when the 49ers do play the Cowboys or the Steelers do play the Dolphins, we can forecast the game the entire week before. We can play out every single one of the idiosyncrasies of the game in our mind, and when the game starts we can just watch in rapt attention to the game that transforms into something else; a game for the ages, more art than violence, each brushstroke holding the hopes and dreams of fans throughout the nation.

Fuck you, parity.

As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and I will agree with them or agree to disagree with his black ass. Today, I’m the busy bigot.

At Washington -8 Arizona

Who cares about this game besides a few people that live in the vicinity of these teams. O mean, seriously what are the ratings for this game going to be? -0.4 is my guess. Yes, that’s right, the mere fact that this game exists will actually cause people to turn off their television and go outside on Sunday, without even tuning into this channel. The karmic power of the world will be enough.

At New Orleans -8 Atlanta

I now have Reggie Bush on my fantasy team so my guess is the final score of this game will be: New Orleans 172 and Atlanta 4 with Bush scoring 12 touchdowns and having 2,004 all-purpose yards.

Baltimore -3 At Buffalo 35

Boring.

At Dallas -9.5 Minnesota

If you had to pick between two—objectively—equally hot women (or dudes) and the only caveat was that one was black and the other white, which would you choose? The answer will tell you a lot about which team you like more, the Vikings or the Cowboys.

New England -16.5 At Miami (NE is the pick of the week until they fail to cover)

Why even write about this. Dreamy McDreamerson and his merry men have yet to fail to cover. It’s pretty astounding actually.

San Francisco +9 At NY Giants

That chocolate face is dead wrong on this one. San Francisco doesn’t even play a quarterback this year. It’s a little known fact, but they actually just snap directly to the punter on first down to avoid all of the stress of snapping to a quarterback. It’s sad, really, really sad.

Tampa Bay +2 At Detroit

Eh.

At Houston +1.5 Tennessee

I mean, who gives a rat’s ass. I’ll watch this game, simply to avoid having to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, I guess.

Kansas City +3 At Oakland

I love Raider games in this city. It is absolutely incredible. You get on the freeway and all of a sudden, people who would normally be driving the roads in business suits and glasses have dressed up in leather and covered themselves in gallons of silver paint. It’s the most incredible transformation any person could ever hope to see.

NY Jets +6 At Cincinnati

Did you know Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis in a playoff game. No wonder, Marvin Lewis has lost this team.

Chicago +5.5 At Philadelphia

Chicago is awful. I really can’t say anything more about this game.

At Seattle -8.5 St. Louis 39.5

Seattle is awful, and they play in an awful division. Where this goes, I have no idea, but I can’t assume that Marc Bulger—who was playing poorly with his ribs broken—will be any better now that his ribs are still broken.

Pittsburgh -3.5 At Denver 39

Did you know that basketball guard—and former Laker and Supersonic—Sedall Threatt has 14 children, at least. That is incredible, no?

Indianapolis -3 At Jacksonville

The game of the week, and it will probably be a slugfest. Hooray.

Law School Lesson II

Off Law School Lesson I, I felt a bit tired and had no desire to share my Law School experience for awhile. However, an incident occurred today that I had to share with the world. This incident was followed by a short press conference outside the Fordham Law School Library attended by the local media, including yours truly. Sources tell me that the incident revolved around an innocent law school student who was told by a random DOUCHE that his talking on his mobile phone in a closed off (and nearly soundproof) stairwell inside the Fordham Library was ILLEGAL (he must be citing the Constitution or something).
Here is a small transcript of the press conference, followed by a video to a similar press conference:

Anybody tell you that I was talking on the phone in the stairwell, if, if, if, if a random law school douche say I talked on the phone in the stairwell then y’all hear it, then that’s that. I mean, I might have talked for about a minute. But if, if somebody say, “He talked on the phone in the library’s stairwell”, it can be one call, out of all the times I’m in the library this year. That’s enough.

(cut in news conference footage)

If I want to talk, I want to talk, man. If I don’t, I don’t. I mean, simple as that. It ain’t about that. I mean it’s, it’s not about that at all, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, but it’s, it’s, it’s easy to, to talk about, it’s easy to sum it up when you just talk about the fact that it was in the stairwell of the library. We sittin’ here, I supposed to be the franchise law student, and we in here talkin’ about talking in the stairwell. I mean, listen, we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library, not the library, not the library…we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library. Not a, not a, not the library where I go out there and, and study hard and read every case like it’s my last. Not the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell, man. I mean how silly is that? Man, we talkin’ about the stairwell. I know I’m supposed to be studying. I know I supposed to lead by example. I know that. And I’m not, I’m not shoving it aside, you know, like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But we talkin’ about the stairwell man. What are we talkin’ about? The Stairwell? We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell man. (laughter from members of the press) We tal…we talkin’ about the stairwell. We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell. We ain’t talkin’ about the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell man.

(now addressing one particular member of the press)

When you come in the library, and you see me study, you see me study don’t you? You see me give everything I got, right? Well, we talkin’ about talking on the stairwell right now. We talkin’ about the stairwell…Man, look, I hear you. I, it’s funny to me too. And I mean it’s strange, it’s strange to me too. But we talkin’ about the stairwell, man. We not even talkin’ about the library, or actual classes, which is what matters. We talkin’ about talking in the stairwell.

(inaudible question from member of the press)

How the hell can I pass the bar by not talking on the library stairwell?