I choose the Undergrad Bathroom

Here's a random story about Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20;

So I was taking a piss in one of the two urinals in our bathroom. When I had come in, there was another dude taking a piss in the taller one so I went to the other one. I'm minding my own business when another dude comes up. So, naturally I look to my left. If I knew the guy I was prepared to give the little nod of acknowledgement. Well it turns out its Rob Thomas. So, I do a double take say, "How's it goin man," and go back to peeing.

He comes back with, "Dude, I'm happy you're using that urinal because you know what, I ain't hung down there, don't tell anyone." This is followed by about ten seconds of silence. It doesn't really say anything about me because there is a partition between the urinals, but geez, it just might be the single greatest reason to never talk while going to the bathroom, at least not to Rob Thomas.

As soon as Double Deuce recounted that story, I was immediately grateful that Thomas didn't pull a Craig on my good buddy. The public restroom is a dangerous place.

Slammin’ to the Oldies

Every day I wake up. This is not surprising.

So, I wake up, I get out of bed. I drag a comb across my head. Then I turn on my television. I’m not really sure why I do this.

I mean, I already know what I’m going to see in general terms. Why do I need to see the specifics before I even get to my car where I will, most likely, turn on the radio and listen to all the same news I saw on the television? I don’t know the answer to this question—even though I DO know that I DO need to know all this information. And why do I need to know this economic class porn? It’s simple; I need to know all about the rift between Lindsey Lohan and Hillary Duff because I’m worried about other people knowing this information and leaving me in the knowledge dust. There is nothing more frightening than being out of the loop conversationally. I guess this is why I watch the news in the morning. But it DEFINITELY doesn’t make it right.

Now, this attitude towards news isn’t exactly ground-breaking (or interesting) information, but it is relevant. There are two problems with the way news is relayed in a 24-hour cycle. The first is endemic, the other surreal. The first problem with a 24-hour news cycle is that it marginalizes important information. I mean, what constitutes news? Was the attack on the World Trade Center, in September of 2001, news? Well, of course it was. It was on Fox News. But what about Paris Hilton going to jail? Well, shit, that was on Fox News as well. So then, what constitutes news? From my—admittedly spotty—memory, these two occurrences ate up about the same amount of airtime, and who’s to say which story is more important to Americans? How do we know? Is it ratings? Because I’d bet Paris did better there. Is the only important news the sort that affects the greatest number of Americans? Because that was definitely 9/11. Now, obviously (probably), September 11^th was much more important, but that’s not really the point. The point is that the newscycle blurs the line between important information (like when the Fed lowers rates to improve a housing crisis threatening to plunge our economy into recession which would cause a loss of jobs and in conjunction a crazy drop in the marginal utility of Americans throughout this land) because it has to. Television is a results driven organization, in general, and in that idiom results means ratings. And real news does not drive ratings. It’s the same reason that newspapers are folding all over the place while rags like the New York Post continue to grow. News is not fun. News is depressing, and depressing does not sell. Paris Hilton is the new America; she is the literal amalgamation of the twenty-four hour newscycle and there is nothing anyone can do about this now. The problem isn’t that important things become less important, even though they do. The problem is that, in order to fill up one hell of a lot of programming, un-important things have to become life or death propositions on the air. It is the nature of the newscycle beast. Some things are important and are still important, but their relative importance is marginalized every time Nicole Richie’s weight, Kiefer Sutherland’s drinking habits or Tom Sizemore’s drug addiction is discussed on purported news stations (or even on Larry King).

There is an obvious disconnect here, namely I am decrying a system—in this case, the 24 hour newscycle—by talking about it, which is exactly how these stories get their legs in the first place. When I turn on the television in the morning, it’s not as if the talking heads of Matt Lauer or Meredith Vieira are cheerily espousing that inebriated driving is a good thing as long as it’s done by a movie star.

The problem isn’t what they feel about what they’re saying, it’s that they are saying it at all. They are creating the iconography of the story. It justifies MSNBC, Fox News, CNN and all the rest because now they can say, “Breaking News: Paris Hilton has sex as reported by NBC this morning,” and this is the danger to our culture in this new age. Our Godzilla is no longer a big green monster rampaging over cities, nor is it “real news” like terrorism. Our Godzilla in the new age is Paris Hilton becoming a star because she’s rich, it’s a society of young people realizing they have the power to create news using the internets. It’s the constant pull of having any and all information at our fingertips whenever we may need or want it and, in conjunction, program directors doing their best to sate our appetites. In this new world we’ve created the twenty-four hour news cycle; we’ve let Godzilla out of Pandora’s Box, and now we can only hope to minimize the destruction.

Links

Slightly depressed that the Sports Gal is out with a stomach, I couldn't motivate myself to post a full blog. Instead I decided to provide the readers of "Letsgotosmokes" with the links to some of my favorite videos.

As most of you know Noe is from Miami and is a huge fan of the U. As a request for Noe, I would love to see the U get together for an alumni weekend (Homecoming works too) and do a remix of this track. Imagine versus by Shockey (The Renegade), Kellen Winslow (the Receiver/ Warrior) and Warren Sapp!

JW is in the process of two special tasks. The first is to purchase my CU themed shirt, and the second is to post his first blog. Needless to say, you are all in for a treat.

You can have your soldja boy, Ill be getting my roll on.

A little lesson on gun safety

The "Letsgotosmokes" preparty battle cry

Dennis Green v Bears. Just a "Letsgotosmokes" classic.

The Roustabout

I touched on the problem with parity last week, but I’m going to decry it a bit more now. It makes each week of NFL games boring. Unless the Patriots are playing the Colts, what’s the point in watching? The games might be close or they might not be, but, really, who cares? They aren’t going to be fun to watch. That’s the reason we NEED dynasties. Dynasties give us games we know we NEED to watch instead of week after week of dreck. And sure, sometimes (by sometimes, I mean all of the time) there will be some awful games, between awful teams, but that already happens now except the line between the terrible teams and the good teams is blurred to the point that it is impossible to tell the difference. If you don’t believe me, then tell me what happened to New Orleans this year in their first four games. It’s easy to forget now, but that team was playing for the chance to go to the Super Bowl a mere nine months ago.

When dynasties become part of the equation, they set up clashes week in and week out. It gives us a reason to watch, so that when the 49ers do play the Cowboys or the Steelers do play the Dolphins, we can forecast the game the entire week before. We can play out every single one of the idiosyncrasies of the game in our mind, and when the game starts we can just watch in rapt attention to the game that transforms into something else; a game for the ages, more art than violence, each brushstroke holding the hopes and dreams of fans throughout the nation.

Fuck you, parity.

As always, the picks are Chigozie’s and I will agree with them or agree to disagree with his black ass. Today, I’m the busy bigot.

At Washington -8 Arizona

Who cares about this game besides a few people that live in the vicinity of these teams. O mean, seriously what are the ratings for this game going to be? -0.4 is my guess. Yes, that’s right, the mere fact that this game exists will actually cause people to turn off their television and go outside on Sunday, without even tuning into this channel. The karmic power of the world will be enough.

At New Orleans -8 Atlanta

I now have Reggie Bush on my fantasy team so my guess is the final score of this game will be: New Orleans 172 and Atlanta 4 with Bush scoring 12 touchdowns and having 2,004 all-purpose yards.

Baltimore -3 At Buffalo 35

Boring.

At Dallas -9.5 Minnesota

If you had to pick between two—objectively—equally hot women (or dudes) and the only caveat was that one was black and the other white, which would you choose? The answer will tell you a lot about which team you like more, the Vikings or the Cowboys.

New England -16.5 At Miami (NE is the pick of the week until they fail to cover)

Why even write about this. Dreamy McDreamerson and his merry men have yet to fail to cover. It’s pretty astounding actually.

San Francisco +9 At NY Giants

That chocolate face is dead wrong on this one. San Francisco doesn’t even play a quarterback this year. It’s a little known fact, but they actually just snap directly to the punter on first down to avoid all of the stress of snapping to a quarterback. It’s sad, really, really sad.

Tampa Bay +2 At Detroit

Eh.

At Houston +1.5 Tennessee

I mean, who gives a rat’s ass. I’ll watch this game, simply to avoid having to talk to anyone of the opposite sex, I guess.

Kansas City +3 At Oakland

I love Raider games in this city. It is absolutely incredible. You get on the freeway and all of a sudden, people who would normally be driving the roads in business suits and glasses have dressed up in leather and covered themselves in gallons of silver paint. It’s the most incredible transformation any person could ever hope to see.

NY Jets +6 At Cincinnati

Did you know Chad Johnson took a swing at Marvin Lewis in a playoff game. No wonder, Marvin Lewis has lost this team.

Chicago +5.5 At Philadelphia

Chicago is awful. I really can’t say anything more about this game.

At Seattle -8.5 St. Louis 39.5

Seattle is awful, and they play in an awful division. Where this goes, I have no idea, but I can’t assume that Marc Bulger—who was playing poorly with his ribs broken—will be any better now that his ribs are still broken.

Pittsburgh -3.5 At Denver 39

Did you know that basketball guard—and former Laker and Supersonic—Sedall Threatt has 14 children, at least. That is incredible, no?

Indianapolis -3 At Jacksonville

The game of the week, and it will probably be a slugfest. Hooray.

Law School Lesson II

Off Law School Lesson I, I felt a bit tired and had no desire to share my Law School experience for awhile. However, an incident occurred today that I had to share with the world. This incident was followed by a short press conference outside the Fordham Law School Library attended by the local media, including yours truly. Sources tell me that the incident revolved around an innocent law school student who was told by a random DOUCHE that his talking on his mobile phone in a closed off (and nearly soundproof) stairwell inside the Fordham Library was ILLEGAL (he must be citing the Constitution or something).
Here is a small transcript of the press conference, followed by a video to a similar press conference:

Anybody tell you that I was talking on the phone in the stairwell, if, if, if, if a random law school douche say I talked on the phone in the stairwell then y’all hear it, then that’s that. I mean, I might have talked for about a minute. But if, if somebody say, “He talked on the phone in the library’s stairwell”, it can be one call, out of all the times I’m in the library this year. That’s enough.

(cut in news conference footage)

If I want to talk, I want to talk, man. If I don’t, I don’t. I mean, simple as that. It ain’t about that. I mean it’s, it’s not about that at all, you know what I’m sayin’? I mean, but it’s, it’s, it’s easy to, to talk about, it’s easy to sum it up when you just talk about the fact that it was in the stairwell of the library. We sittin’ here, I supposed to be the franchise law student, and we in here talkin’ about talking in the stairwell. I mean, listen, we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library, not the library, not the library…we talkin’ about the stairwell. Not the library. Not a, not a, not the library where I go out there and, and study hard and read every case like it’s my last. Not the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell, man. I mean how silly is that? Man, we talkin’ about the stairwell. I know I’m supposed to be studying. I know I supposed to lead by example. I know that. And I’m not, I’m not shoving it aside, you know, like it don’t mean anything. I know it’s important. I do. I honestly do. But we talkin’ about the stairwell man. What are we talkin’ about? The Stairwell? We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell man. (laughter from members of the press) We tal…we talkin’ about the stairwell. We talkin’ about talking on the stairwell. We ain’t talkin’ about the library. We talkin’ about the stairwell man.

(now addressing one particular member of the press)

When you come in the library, and you see me study, you see me study don’t you? You see me give everything I got, right? Well, we talkin’ about talking on the stairwell right now. We talkin’ about the stairwell…Man, look, I hear you. I, it’s funny to me too. And I mean it’s strange, it’s strange to me too. But we talkin’ about the stairwell, man. We not even talkin’ about the library, or actual classes, which is what matters. We talkin’ about talking in the stairwell.

(inaudible question from member of the press)

How the hell can I pass the bar by not talking on the library stairwell?

Law School Lesson I

As some of you guys know, I, the "PROLIFIC" Noe, am a Law Student. I feel that I should give people that possibly might enter Law School some advice. For people that don't ever want to hear about Law School, you guys can gain some insight on what the fuck goes on in there (it is not orgies) and for current lawyers (I really hope this is none of you), you can reminisce about the good times of Law School. The first insight I want to give about Law School is that you have to find a proper place to study....wait....no, wrong.....people have to take a shit. I am in fucking school over 10-12 hours a fucking day and sometimes I have to take a shit and I actually feel that this might reach out to more readers.
At Fordham Law School, there are a series of bathrooms that I could use to take a crap.
1- Main Lobby
2- Basement
3- 2nd Floor
4- 3rd Floor
5- The one on the other side of the building closer to the undergrads.

There are various points that are important in choosing the bathroom where you would take a shit at a place that is not your home.
1- It must be somehow in the way of at least one place you go to a day.
2- It must have more than one toilet seat
3- The door must not be very close to a door where people often circulate.
4- Double doors are crucial
5- Make sure it is close to a place where you can safely leave your belongings.

In order, I will rank my favorite bathrooms to take a shit on at Fordham Law School
1- 3rd Floor- Meets all criteria, isolated but on the way to Criminal Law, plenty of stalls, semi-close to library and elevator (if you really have to go)
2- Basement- Again close to the library and to the main entrance (if you want to leave one before you go), however, it is very close to some Law Reviews and many people know, if you are in the Basement and you are not in a Law Review, you are there to shit.
3- 2nd Floor- It is conveniently close to class, however, if suffers from overcrowding.
4- Undergrad Bldg- It is a high volume area. It is also too close to the RIF RAF of undergrads. I am not sure why, but I just feel naked in that bathroom.
5- Lobby- The main reason is that it is the the fucking lobby. It has one STALL and some members of the First Year student body HAVE been known to harass people taking shits there (I will not mention any names).

I hope this breakdown will inspire some of you to Law School. This series will continue whenever my professors stop giving me so much shit to do.

NASCAR and Necks

The department of Homeland security wanted to study "public health issues at events involving mass gatherings." The event they chose, NASCAR. The loyal readers here at “Letsgotosmokes” know what I think of NASCAR, (left turns, necks, classy drivers and an incredibly fast growing sport). What you don’t know is what the department of homeland security thinks of NASCAR. A recent flap occurred when the department required their staff to receive immunization against Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria, and influenza prior to attending events in Concord, NC and Talledega, Alabama. Senator Robin Hayes took offense to the mandate and even went as far as saying, "I have never heard of immunizations for domestic travel, and as the representative for Concord, North Carolina, I feel compelled to ask why the heck the committee feels that immunizations are needed to travel to my hometown."

I am not sure why this became such a huge issue, I believe such as the US America should remove the middle of the country from the continent such as the Iraq and Asian nations. If the middle of the country wasn't here NASCAR wouldn't be popular in the first place and this would be a non issue.

In addition the necks should realize if they cut off their mullets and got a new haircut no one would assume they were diseased.

Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland

In that moment before I fall asleep at night, every night (unless I’m drunk), I have to come up with a reason to wake up again in the morning. In that self-reflexive moment, I need a reason to face this cruel, cruel world for the 25,000th time. During the fall and winter months, the reason is easy. You see, during the summer, I can think of a beautiful day awaiting me or summer Fridays that make me pine for my youth. In the spring, the Sun is peeking out from behind winter’s cold glare, and early autumn, oh early autumn was given to us by God. The cool breeze off-setting a beautiful day is reason enough for even the most bereaved person to rise in the morning. But late fall and Winter. What help do they afford me? What type of oasis exists in the fog of unhappiness so often associated with this time of the year? For years, decades, centuries even eons man has asked himself this same thing, crying out to the heavens in an almost singular voice, “What do we have to live for?” For so many years, in the winter, there was no answer. And then there was football; a shiny beacon of hope on this North American continent where once there was nothing. Football gives me a reason to get out of bed, it gives me a reason to go to work and make money and it gives me a reason to talk to the people I normally despise. Football is the great American unifier. The game itself is a simple one. Throw, Catch, Run, Hit. And this makes us happy. It’s also incredibly complex, with its innumerable schemes and formations all disguised to make the offense and the defense equally confounded. And this makes us happy. Winter is a seemingly austere time that, on the surface, is easily decoded, but only when you peel away the layers of the onion do you see its true beauty. The same is true of football (except with way uglier onions). This is my ode to football, the reason I live for Sunday, but it is not written without trepidation. You see, I am worried. Oh, I know football will continue, but will it bring me along with it? Thirty years from now, will I still be just as happy to wake up in the morning during these winter months because of some game developed for children? The true answer is, “I don’t know,” and I have only one thing to blame: Parity.

Parity may be “good” for the game because any team, in any given year, can absolutely come out of nowhere to take the league by storm. This gives the great unwashed masses, the fans of historically terrible teams, hope, and it keeps them waking up in the winter months, but what about me. I am a card carrying fan of the San Francisco 49ers, a once-proud franchise that now scores in excess of 3.4 points per game. What do I have, except my memories of Steve Young (I’m too young to remember Joe Montana as anything but a Chief). I chose the 49ers at the peak of their dynasty not to exist as a front-runner, but because my father was and is a HUGE Cowboy fan. I have never been sadder than when the Cowboys beat the 49ers in back to back NFC championship games, and I have never been happier than when the 49ers beat the Cowboys the following year thus ending Dallas’ attempt at three straight Super Bowls. In fact, I doubt I will ever be that happy again. Some things can only happen when you’re young. But here’s the thing, while parity gives everyone a chance to win, it keeps all but the very smartest from being able to achieve any semblance of greatness (This wouldn’t be a problem in many areas of life, but this is football we’re talking about. These guys are one step up from basketball GM’s). And this frightens me. Without great dynasties, where are the great rivalries? How can we pick sides? I mean, I know that this week features a “clash of the un-beatens” as the Patriots and Cowboys square off. But who will the clash feature next year? The Cowboys could have one key injury on their offensive line and the whole season could come tumbling down. That’s the problem with parity, no one is immune, not even the Patriots.

Now, this could be construed as a random 49er fan begrudging the league because his team is incredibly terrible. But that is simply not true. I don’t really care whether the 49er’s are one of the next dynasties or not, I only care that there are dynasties, and that when they form, we can all pick sides when we wake up on Sunday morning.

Onto my singular pick of the week because the rest of the games are barely worth watching

Patriots -6 over Dallas

So, here it is, the only dynasty left in the NFL playing the Cowboys, a team with as many Super Bowls as my beloved 49er’s. The game features a Brett Favre redux quarterback (Tony Romo) playing the modern day equivalent of Johhny Unitas (Mr. Brady, I presume). You know, football has been called a chess game many, many times, and I feel like these teams have equally strong chess pieces. Here’s the problem. New England has Bill Bellichick controlling his pieces and the ‘Boys have Wade Phillips. It’s like Gary Kasparov is playing a seven year old not named Bobby Fischer.

Here are the rest (Rif Raf of the NFL) of Chiggy’s picks, followed by Noe's sentence deeply analyzing the matchup (spellcheck says this is not a word..but FUCK them, spellcheck is also not a word on spellcheck) at hand.

Cincinnati -3 At Kansas City
KC sucks...and it's not in Kansas....The Johnsons (ocho cinco and Rudi) have big games. Da Natti.

Houston +6.5 At Jacksonville
The Jacksonville D is not too bad. Texans don't have 'Dre J, plus Gerrard is on my fantasy team. Again, they should have picked Reggie Bush. Jacksonville

At Cleveland -4.5 Miami
Kellen "I'm a soldier" Winslow....Cleo Lemon...They guy's name is Cleo Lemon..Does anyone remember Mrs. Cleo Psychic Service? Cleveland

Minnesota +5 At Chicago
I can't use the same fucking rant each week. Bears

Philadelphia -3.5 At NY Jets
The New Jersey Bowl.....Eagles

St. Louis +9.5 At Baltimore
This would have been the greatest Offensive v. Defensive Game...like 5 years ago...Why be less when you can B-More?

Tennessee +3 At Tampa Bay; Money line pick of the week
I will not mess with the "Money line pick of the week". Titans.

Washington +3 Green Bay
If this was at Lambeau, it would be the Pack. I will keep this pick since it was the one that was written right after the "money line pick of the week". 'Skins

Carolina +5 At Arizona
Who is more fucked, Carolina (Vinny) or Miami (Cleo)? Have you read ESPN lately Chiggy? Cards

Oakland +10 At San Diego
What are you thinking Chigozie? LT has to fucking break it open. He will pass/run/catch/intercept/fumble recover for 10 TDs. Bolts

New Orleans +6.5 At Seattle
It sucks that Mack Strong retired...How awesome is the name . You know what used to be an awesome name, Drew Brees...and Reggie Bush...and Marques Colston...They will be cool again, I think. Los Santos.

NY Giants -3.5 At Atlanta
Another opportunity to make fun of Micheal Vick but I will pass it up to make fun of ESPN for scheduling this game months ago for MNF. The joke's on them... EVEN

John Hollinger's Kids Must Hate When He Does This to Them

Can you feel it? The NBA basketball season is right around the corner. Wait. You can’t feel it, you can’t smell the cool breeze and the dewy raindrops of Pac-Man Jones making it rain in that old nose of yours? You say we’re in the middle of the baseball playoffs, do you? The football season is getting to the point where the cream has risen to the top, you say? The NBA isn’t even on your radar screen? Well, fine, I get it. The problem with the NBA is the same as with all sports. The off-season has become more compelling than when the games are actually being played. This is dangerous for many reasons most of which are boring, but one of which scares me mightily, not just within the idiom of basketball, but within the idiom of all sports. Games, in general, and sports in particular are made for children and gamblers. Professional sports is threatening the very joy that our children should get from their athletic endeavors. That’s why from now on, I’m only betting on children’s athletics, specifically San Francisco city league basketball; the fourth grade division.

To this end, I’ve been scouting each team, figuring out the strengths and (more importantly) weaknesses of the Purple Lions, the Yellowjackets, the Green Dragons and my personal favorite for your next league champion, the Red Raiders. The most important thing to remember with each of these teams is that fun has taken on a new meaning for these kids; they’re fourth graders now, winning is fun. All that matters is that they decimate the other team and eat orange slices (or Fruit Roll Ups) at the end of each game. Without further ado, here’s the San Francisco fourth grade city league power poll.

4. Purple Lions (Last Season Record as the Wile E. Coyotes 1-7)

The Purple Lions had a rough go of it last year in the third grade division, and it appears that the reasons for their 1-7 record have not been remedied. Their coach, Ron Shandler, affirms that they were, are, and always will be a running team. In his words, “It worked just fine in the second grade division; last year was just a fluke.” However, my advance scout, Sammy Weinberg, has told me that in the second grade the team relied on Danny Sapper, who was known on the playground to play in the same game as fourth graders and win. Sammy informed me that Danny and his family moved three weeks before school started last year, and that was the reason for the slide.

Without Danny, the projections show the Lions to have been about a .500 team in the second grade, which puts last year’s record into more perspective. Furthermore, from what I’ve seen from playground action, this team just doesn’t have the firepower to compete in the loaded San Francisco division. They have no reliable ballhandlers though Ron points out, justly I might add, that Greggy Teryn has made great strides this year.

Finally, the team relies heavily on the outside shot, but has no reliable three-point shooter or rebounder to clean up the misses. The de facto center is Helmund Feris, a four foot three inch man-child who grew over 6 inches in the last year. Consequently, his body has not grown into itself and he is very clumsy.

Outlook: Not having a reliable ballhandler, shooter or big man is going to put this team at the mercy of trapping pressure applied by the other teams in the league as well as the Red Raiders’ vaunted beehive swarm. This team will over achieve if they can play .500 basketball.

3. The Green Dragons (Last Year’s Record as the Wrestling Weasels; 4-4)

This team made great strides last year starting with point guard, Johnny Williams’ improved shooting and ending with center Will Few, the kid his coach Russ Guy calls his “Little Charles Barkley” due to his large backside and stellar play under the boards. Beyond that, who can forget the Weasels’ scintillating run to the finals and Few’s improbable three-point heave to upset the Green Giants in the third grade championship game?

Outlook: While The Dragons played perfect basketball in their run to the finals, the projections are not treating them with the sort of respect you would expect from a past champion. My guess is that they may do better than the projection because this team knows how to win; something a projection cannot forecast. However, there are some obvious reasons that the projections see this team coming in third. First, the other two teams have both been outperforming the Dragons on the playground. Second, and probably more importantly, three of the members of the Dragons have seen themselves sprout at least four inches over the summer. While this bodes well for the fifth grade Dragons, it means that this year barring any gain in coordination, this will be a team plagued by poor footwork and turnovers.

2. The Yellow Jackets (Last Year’s Record as the Ink Blots; 5-3)

This team is comprised of the finest athletes in the entire division. They have somehow managed to stagger their growth spurts so the won-loss record has constantly been unaffected by the constant growing pains of players like little Hud Walton and Jasper Kellen. However, the team has also been through its fair share of scandal. Many people around Cesar Chavez Elementary have accused them of throwing their playoff game against the Wrestling Weasels for access to the teacher’s lounge. Further, they have been implicated in point shaving scandals for the right to trade lunch with whomever they choose since as early as the first grade.

Outlook: There is no doubt that this team has the most talent of any team in the division. The only questions are 1.) Can they hold themselves together amidst all of this scandal? 2) If they are innocent of the charges, then when will they stop underachieving and reach their potential?

1.The Red Raiders (Last Year’s Record as the Green Giants; 6-2)

The only question with this team is whether Chip Ollie and Eddie Billows can rebound from last year’s stunning defeat. This team was absolutely crushed when they lost to the Weasels, and from what I’ve been told by my informant, both players worked double time in the off-season and summer, even going so far as to put off Pop Warner Football for one more year in order to again reach the pinnacle of the city league. This bodes ill for the rest of the league because the team seemingly already had no weaknesses. They can score at will playing fast or playing slow. They can pound the ball inside to the four foot seven inch Chip, who has shown great footwork, hands and surprising agility in workouts (He even played shortstop during the spring baseball season). Or they can run Fast Eddie on the wing to receive a pass from the best outlet point guard in the league, Phil Best. Either way expect games with scores approaching 40.

Outlook: The Red Raiders is a team that has worked for this chance since the final whistle blew last fall. The team is hungry, focused, and is repeatedly besting fifth and sixth graders during lunch time. They have a singular purpose usually reserved for seventh graders and a supreme fear of failure. I really don’t see how any other team in this league can compete barring someone new moving into the area.

Richmond, VA, C.S.A.

MONA lives in the capital of the Confederate States of America, Richmond, VA. Visiting her this weekend, I wanted to investigate a few questions about this very odd nation, the Confederate States of America. Here are a few questions I inquired about that I still have no definite answer to:
1) Will the South rise Again?
2) Where is Hazzard County?
3) What the FUCK does 'American by birth, Southern by the Grace of God" even mean?
4) Jefferson Davis, what the fuck?
5) Why is Waffle House so good?
6) The accent...what is up with the accent?

I spent 3 days in the Capital of the Confederacy. This was definitely not enough time to answer these questions and I will continue in the quest for answers. However, I did begin to write down notes from what I gathered in these few days and here they are:

1) The White House of the Confederacy is fucking Gray. Not only is this stupid, but it just shows that the C.S.A. is a rip-off of the U.S.A.

2) Robert E. Lee was the greatest general EVER! He will fix Iraq, defeat Iran and peacefully unite Korea in 4 days.

3) Jefferson Davis sucked.

4) In 1865, after the fall of Richmond, President Lincoln went to the "White House of the Confederacy" and put his feet all over Jefferson Davis' former desk. This was a precursor to Rick James putting his feet all over Eddie Murphy's couch (Chappelle fans, please laugh at this).

5) A lady asked in the tour of the Confederate White House if a couple of original statues were African Art?
Why the FUCK would the Confederacy have African Art in their fucking White/Gray House?!?! They have fucking slaves, you dumb bitch!

6) Same lady then asks tour guide if the White/Gray House has spirits?
Yes lady, in the basement, lie an army of 300,000 Confederate Spirits ready to invade the North at a moment's notice.

7) The confederacy has 3 different national flags and one battle flag. The one we usually see is the battle flag. The other 3 have a very stupid story.
1. The first flag (The stars and bars), looked so much like the US flag. This caused confusion in battle because they are FUCKING STUPID.
2. The second flag was the battle flag on a corner while the rest was white. This also caused confusion because it looked like a surrender flag.
3. The third one is the same as the second one with a red stripe, so it wouldn't look like a surrender flag. Red Stripe. Hooray Beer!

8) It took 5o minutes to get 15 chicken wings while it took around 9 minutes for everybody else. They must have known I was a Yankee.

9) I loved the way Mona's friends said "New York City"

Like I said before, this does not answer any of my questions. However, if I had to put money on it, I think the SOUTH will NOT rise again.