Dodger Blue

"Crack," goes the bat for Casey has not struck out. Not this time. A Dodger fan would not be so lucky. It's been 20 years since the team barreled through the playoffs and caused all 27 A's fans to feel the same way that I do now. This time Matt Stairs is at the plate. He's barely played throughout the series. Like Kirk Gibson before, a closer is on the mound. Stairs has got to be overmatched. There's no way he could catch up to a Broxton fastball. Even if he did, he couldn't get all of it...and then, of course, he does. Only in baseball can six months of ups turn so quickly into six more of down. In baseball, the best team in the league tends to lose about 62 times a year so in a short series anything can happen. It's the kind of game that leads one to believe, and belief is the most painful of all mistresses. It leads to hope and hope leads to the most painful kind of defeat. It's the type of loss you can't see coming. It's like getting dumped unexpectedly, and your team still losing after having a two run lead in the eighth inning. All you can think is, "when did this morph from they to we?"

You remember the reason you like the game; it's the unpredictability that makes it worth watching. The momentum changing like the wind is why you watch night after night throughout the season. Waiting for this moment is why you watch through the five to three games. It's why you watch a team win ninety times and lose seventy two times. You wait for this moment because one time in your life something beautiful might happen, just not this time. This time, defeat comes from the jaws of victory.

This is why, at first, you don't notice what happens. You can't. At first, you see the ball hit and for a second everything slows down. You're screaming inwardly. You want to do so outwardly, but nothing will come out. Then everything speeds up faster than before and you realize Matt Stairs--or as I call him, Matt "Fucking" Stairs--is on second and he's rounding the bases. He's probably the happiest he's ever been on a baseball field, but I can't be bothered by his joy because my vision is clouded by hatred of fastballs over the plate and months of cheering that now mean nothing. It's just a game. A game I'm not even playing. A game I don't have any control over, but it's so much more. Living in San Francisco, my only connection to that smog filled place I called home is the baseball team. The team whose season I just saw end when Matt "Fucking" Stairs hit his first career postseason homerun. It's the kind of things dreams are made of, and only now do I realize that it's also the stuff of nightmares.

The game is lost, but every Dodger fan knows there's still a tomorrow.

What's that? Hope is back. You told yourself you wouldn't let it return, but there it is. Hope is rearing it's ugly head. It's becoming belief. I believe if this team can win on Wednesday and then steal Game six in Philly then maybe game seven will just work itself out, but I can't see that far ahead right now. Right now, Matt Stairs is still circling the bases. An entire season is flashing before my eyes as if my life were in danger and that baseball Stairs hit into the ether is a bullet headed for my still beating heart. That's what it's like to be a Dodger fan right now. Hopefully, if there isn't a game to be played after Wednesday I'll bleed Dodger Blue.

Update: Phucking Phillies

They'reGRRRRRRReat

Be A Tiger

It's not easy being a large feline, you can ask Tony, Chester or James Spader. They'd all say the same thing if they could talk--or act--namely, the search for junk food is hard, really hard. It's a job, and to really understand that you've got to be a cartoon cat. Imagine being one of those poor orange cats. There you are, an animal in love with a food wholly antithetical to the rest of your speciers, but it's always just barely out of reach. You're sitting there thinking to yourself that this must be how a bear feels when he sees food in a canister, and man would you like some Cheetos and there's just a bunch of kids telling you that Trix are for kids and isn't that a rabbit...oh the terrible existence of the cartoon animal. Well fear not world, for these felines and James Spader teach children something incredibly important and no one is even aware of it. Those cartoon cats are teaching young children every day that life isn't fair, that most people will try and fail and that it's okay to fail because tomorrow you will try again and probably fail again, but what's important is to try. Usually, I'd say that that kind of message is anti-American, but today I feel forgiving. Today, I see the need for people to try even if they do fail because, really, don't we all fail almost every time we try? It's those few times that we don't that cause us to forget all the other times. How many people tried and failed to create fire or the cotton gin or a computer. Who knows, right? We only remember the winners, but how many losers were there? How many of them got close? Is it possible that any of those people contributed to the general atmosphere of change?

I don't know the answer at all. All I can tell you is dare to be grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat.

Brett Favre Facts as told by Noe Burgos and Ravi Kantha

1. Brett Favre Loves Footbal

2. Brett Favre Hates Studying....Conclusion: Football>Studying

3. Brett Favre is the greatest Football TEAM of all time

4. Wrangler Jeans are REAL....COMFORTABLE.......JEANS

5. Brett wasn't addicted to Painkillers....Painkillers were addicted to Brett Favre

6. Brett Favre can throw a football around the world and catch it himself (as shown in the 1998 NFC Championship Game)

7. Brett Favre can throw a football through a bulletproof vest

8. Bulletproof vests are made from Brett Favre's hair

9. Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite backed up Brett Favre in High School (he never played)

10. Brett Favre is Gunslinging and Gunslinging is Brett Favre

11. When Brett Favre and Billy the Kid dueled, the football beat the gun

12. If Brett Favre was alive in the 1790s, he would have killed Aaron Burr with a football

13. George Bush invaded Mississippi to search for the WMD known as Brett Favre's arm

14. Federal Law states that no car can travel faster in interstate highways that a Brett Favre throw

15. Was Brett Favre watching too much Rocky Balboa or was Rocky Balboa watching too much Brett Favre (Thank you Joe Reiss)

16. Two Reasons for the end of the Soviet Union
a- Rocky Balboa's defeat of Ivan Drako
b- the USSR could not compete in the arm's race with the birth of Brett Favre

17. The next generation of US Tomahawk Missiles are called BFBs or Brett Favre Bombs

18. Brett Favre doesn't need 8 hours of sleep. He needs 8 Touchdowns.....He is always well rested

19. Upon his arrival to New York, a man tried to mug Brett Favre at gunpoint. Brett Favre remarked, "that is not a gun", flexed his right arm and said, "that's a gun". The man fled.

20. While God rested on the 7th day, Brett Favre picked up the slack and said "let there be Touchdowns"...and it was good.

21. Samuel L. Jackson: Angry Black Man :: Brett Favre: Touchdown Machine

This list amounted to the amount of points scored by Brett Favre during the time it took to write the list.

Bark like KG, Pierce like Paul

War Kg!! Before I move into the productive portion of my year, I would like to recap the past NBA season and go over some of the myths that have been perpetuated over the past 12 months.

A year ago, the season started with a trade and ended with a BANG. I have already commented on many of these trades, KG (Loved it obviously), Shaq (still love it), Kidd (Hated it), Charmin (Heist, but still TBD).

While I appreciate what Pierce had done throughout the playoffs I believed that Allen should have been the finals MVP. Now on to the myths...

Myth 1 the Western Conference is better than the eastern conference How anyone can still believe this is beyond me, while every year basketball pundits and experts claim that the Western Conference Finals Should be the real finals, the Eastern representative always puts up an adequate fight, (which is more than the Lakers could say in this finals. Was there ever a doubt who was going to win this series after the opening tip?) This brings me to my next myth.

Myth 2 the Lakers are set up better than any team for next year.
Even the Lakers don’t believe this myth as Lamar Odom went from potential champion to an expiring contract faster than I could say “Charmin”.

Myth 3 Andrew Bynum will help lead the Lakers to the promise land next year and for the subsequent decade.
If (note not when) Bynum does come back, people need to realize that he averaged 13 and 10 and had not played well for even 1 full season.

Myth 4 the CAVs suck.
Besides being the closest team to dethroning the Celtics and the only team to earn their respect, the cavs were one PJ Brown jumper away from winning the championship.

The Peasants Revolt!

*I had to write this as sort of an addendum to Chig’s take on last night’s episode.*

Let’s get right to the bottom of this one folks. Last night’s Real World was, to say the least one of the most ridiculous, yet entertaining episodes I have ever laid eyes on. This season has gone from being one of the dullest seasons to, frankly one of the best (The episode was that LEGENDARY). Let’s recap.

Ryan, Sarah's boyfriend comes to visit. When he arrives she jumps into his arms and tells him how much she has missed him (Although, it would have foreshadowed Ryan’s personality way more accurately if he had jumped into hers). At dinner later, Will and Ryan share a few awkward moments as Will proceeds to have a burping aka flirting contest with Sarah right in front of him. This begins the “The Ryan is a pussy and has no backbone” portion of our program. When Greg returns home, he makes sure to introduce himself to Ryan. This is followed by Greg in the confessional room shitting (figuratively of course) on Ryan for being a ‘dweeb’. When Greg brings a girl (episode skank #1) home for Dave, Kimberly (generic blondie Dave fucks occasionally) is left alone. Will tells Kim to confront Dave, but she doesn't want to (because she constantly lies to herself that she doesn’t like him). One of Greg and Dave's guest make a comment saying that Brianna is ghetto (not the first time she has been called that) and she starts ranting about how the guests are whores (this coming from a stripper). Brianna and Greg proceed to have a shouting match (first time we really see emotion from him, which is a huge breakthrough for his character). Then all of a sudden Greg starts in with Sarah. Sarah charges out of her room and confronts Greg on his behavior towards women (If you didn’t all ready know, Greg refers to women he hooks up with as ‘Associates’ and regular girls as ‘females’, which is a little weird but not nearly as bad as the common bitch, slut, skank vernaculars). Greg calls out Ryan from another room to say that if he wants to defend his ‘female’ (Sarah) and fight he will get beat up (Greg says this only because he knows Ryan is a pussy). Ryan tells Greg that he doesn't want to fight (for the obvious reasons of not wanting to get his ass kicked) but insists that Greg not to call Sarah a bitch and also that Greg not call women "hoes".

Because Real World hadn’t made Ryan look like a pussy enough, they cut to him admitting that the argument with Greg felt like a real fight (Haha). Brianna decides that she likes Ryan because he isn't the type of guy that has balls (girls always say that but what they really mean is they like guys that are pussies as friends, not hook up material). Kimberly admits to her Mom that she has been getting close to Dave (fucking constitutes getting close, right?), but says that she doesn't want to get too close. That night, Dave admits to Justine (skank #2, who Dave actually like likes) that he had people over the night before. Justine tells him that he doesn't have to explain to her. Back at the house Dave and Justine do a confessional together and proceed to make out in the confessional booth. Kimberly sees an opportunity (to be an ultimate bitch) and informs Justine and her friends that Dave has been intimate (the same kind of intimate as with her) with other girls in the past few nights. Justine and her friends decide to leave the house and Dave gets so mad that he threatens to knock out the girls (what is it with huge muscular guys threatening to punch girls this season? First Joey, now Dave?) if they even look at him wrong. Greg looks up at Dave and tells him that Justine wasn't even that hot, and so he shouldn't be upset. Dave gets very defensive and starts to yell at Greg, his anger towards the girls being displaced at Greg.

Inside the house Dave is still mad at Greg. Brianna takes Greg's "associate" Reva (queen of all hoes) aside and warns her about Greg. Greg tells Queen Ho that she can't talk with any of the females in the house or he won't be her ‘associate’ anymore. Brianna and Will take some time to soak their feet and talk about Greg. When Greg comes outside and wonders what they were talking about Brianna ends up telling him that he is a dog because of his chauvinist attitude towards women.

Meanwhile, Sarah discovers that all of her brand new underwear has been stolen. She confronts Greg, but he swears that he didn't take the missing underwear. Sarah tells Ryan about her missing things and cries that she can't live like this. Sarah calls her parents and they comfort her about her missing things. When she is done with her call, Greg tries to get in to use the phone, but Sarah stubbornly keeps the phone away from Greg, even though her vagina boyfriend tells her to let it go (is that 4 acts of pussyism for Ryan now? I notice a theme here). Greg admits to some of the pranks to Will but still denies taking Sarah's underwear.

Ryan quietly douches his V and exits stage left (I didn’t even notice he left). Later, Brianna decides to rummage around Greg's belongings for Sarah's missing underwear. She doesn't find it. That night at a club (which one I forgot as they go to 2 or 3 different Hollywood clubs every episode), Greg admits to Will that he took the underwear (notice how he thinks of Will as his only friend in the house? This will come into play very soon). Will then proceeds to inform Dave of Greg's confession. Back at the house, Will takes his aggression towards Greg out on a punching bag and a wall. Greg wonders what Will's problem is and Will tells him that he needs to return Sarah's missing underwear (He apparently is the keeper of Sarah now, like a brother). After Sarah finds her missing things Will tells her about Greg's admission of guilt. The roommates discuss how they can't trust Greg anymore (which is funny to me because they never trusted him in the first place) and Dave says that he would love to kick Greg's ass (Dave at least once an episode tries to get into a fight for no reason at all). Will makes a move on Greg's "associate" Reva. On the dance floor Will and Reva start to kiss.

Later that night Reva calls for Greg and he informs her that he is upset with her. Reva denies anything happening and Greg decides to invite her over to the house. Once Reva is at the house she wastes no time in jocking Will behind Greg’s back. Kimberly tells Reva of Greg's pranks. When Will enters the room, Kimberly agrees to be the look out for Reva and Will so they can hook up in the confessional room alone. Greg searches the house for Reva but to no avail. When he tries to look in the confessional booth they slam the door in his face.

Greg worries that Reva and Greg are doing something in the confessional (obviously), and is right. When Will and Reva exit the confessional (after oral sexing each other and who knows what else), Reva lies to Greg and says that they were just talking (Haha, ok…). Greg ends up believing Reva (even though he states it isn’t logic to do so) and forgives her, as long as she agrees to stay away from his roommates. Fade to dark…

Closing thoughts…

When the season began, I automatically thought Greg was an arrogant douche (and I still think that) because he calls people peasants and gets under people’s skin every chance he can get. But this episode was down right cold. The gang mentality in the house has officially gotten out of hand to the point where everything Greg does is blown way out of proportion by the rest of the roommates. Besides being arrogant, his biggest offense was putting rocks in Will’s bed, putting a bloody tissue in Dave’s bed, and stealing Sarah’s underwear. Annoying for sure, but hardly serious. I used to think Will was awesome but for him to punish Greg by fucking his ‘Associate’ was just uncalled for in my opinion.

Did the punishment fit the crime? You tell me.

I end with a photo of happier times

MV Mamba

"We don't rebuild, we reload!"

-Shaquille O'Neal, Los Angeles Lakers 2004

Those were the words of former Lakers Center entering the 2004 season, a season of turmoil that ended the last Lakers dynasty. Following that year Kobe Bryant opted out of his contract, Shaq was traded, Phil Jackson stepped down and the other role players on the team were scatter amongst the NBA.

Kobe ultimately re-signed with the Lakers amid the notion that playing for them provided his best shot to continue winning championships. But was it?

Following the breakup of the Shaq/Kobe Lakers, the organization did everything in their power to "rebuild" the team opting to surround Bryant with young talent instead of season veterans. Every move they made seemed to imply they were building a team for the next decade (rebuilding) instead of building a team to win now (reloading). Through the following three seasons of mediocrity, Bryant stayed on board, begging for some help. It was until the end of the 2007 season when he realized the organization had been lying to him. Their primary focus wasn't to build a championship caliber team around him; they intended to build a championship core to succeed him. This caused the maniacal and championship driven Bryant to present an ultimatum for the world to hear, "Build a championship around me, or trade me to an organization that will do so."

Listening to LA radio, days after Bryant won the 2008 MVP award and had lead the Lakers to a 6-0 record to start the postseason, many Laker fans still expressed disgust for the disloyalty Bryant showed to the organization.

Somehow these guys missed the point. Mitch Kupchack didn't turn into a genius overnight with the Pau Gasol deal, the history, location, power and appeal of LA had made LA an attractive destination for obtaining high quality free agents at a discount rate. Players like Jermaine O'Neal, Ron Artest, Jason Kidd and Baron Davis all expressed interest in playing in Los Angeles. Kobe and the Lakers could have been competing for championships for the past two years if properly motivated.

I am of the opinion that Kobe's demands done in the way he did so were the only way the Lakers would change their priorities. Without them, the maturation of the younger players (a bit of luck for everyone involved) and Kobe's newfound trust for his teammates, the Lakers present and future would not be as bright as it is today.

Sounds like an MVP to me.

A Few QUick HIts

Quick Thoughts

You know those old Haray Carey skits with Will Ferrell, "If the moon were made of cheese would you eat it?" It's a simple YES or No Question. Those are awesome. Tune in for more of the Chris Farley Show.

I feel like Froot Loops is trying to end society with their new Froot Loops straws. You know what Toucan Sam, what if I don't want part of my balanced diet to come from a drinking receptacle? Why don;t you follow your nose up that path?

What's the funniest country name? I'm going to go with Yemen.

It's a free throw. It's fifteen feet. I'm looking at you Derrick Rose.

If you don't listen to the Sound of Silver by LCD Soundsytem then fuck you.

Me- Goodbye college basketball. I'm a mess without you. I need you. I miss your scent....I miss your musk. I'm ....(sob) (sob) (sob)
O.J. Mayo--Yo dog, maybe you know, don't talk for awhile.
Kevin Love-- Yeah, maybe sit the next few plays out buddy.

Nick Hornby likes soccer as much as I like all the sports I enjoy in summation. Seriously, it's incredible. His love of soccer runs so deeply throughout Fever Pitch that it makes me not retch at the sight of the game. If I had read this book earlier in my life, I probably would have moved to England, gotten myself a cool cockney accent, a mohawk and beat up some Liverpoolians.

Can someone post for me how the internet works. I feel like I could explain how a car works or how an airplane flies to a five year old. But if she asks me how the fucking internet works, I'm going to have to scream, "It's a series of tubes!"

He Looks Like The Guy...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbnwir88g_4

He totally looks like the guy that would brag about his tomatoes!

District Deliberations: On Today

Hey,

So today I read this whole big article and I realized something: Ron Paul would make a really good president. His entire philosophy on immigration, abortion, and a return to the Gold standard as a unit of measurement for currency actually makes a whole lot of sense. If you really put it in perspective, he could bring us back to the days where the dollar was worth a fortune, circa the Jimmy Carter presidency (one of, if not the, greatest president). Also, given his stature, it is hard to say any country or terrorist organization would want to try anything against us. It would be like picking a fight with Napoleon in his prime.

Also, reading ESPN today, it seemed as if the Knicks want to hang on to Isiah Thomas for another year. I think this is a smart move because, despite some of his minor mishaps, he’s put together a multi-million dollar roster full of talent. Once they get their chemistry figured out, they will be unstoppable. Mark my words, Eddy Curry and Zach Randolph will go down as one of the best big duos in basketball since Duncan-Robinson.

I also put down 500$ today for OSU to destroy USC at the Coliseum this fall. USC just doesn’t have enough talent to compete with BIG 10 speed. Watch it, Trojans, and GO BUCKEYES!

Also, I actually had an opportunity to read some texts on the basis of Scientology, and the verdict is in. It’s actually pretty sweet. I was captivated by all of it. I strongly urge anyone that may read this to do some research. There has to be a reason so much of Hollywood is onto this. I mean after all, Hollywood is full of some of the most reasonable thinkers that humankind possesses. All hail Tom Cruise.

Ok, this is getting to be a bit much even for me, but I’ll end with this.

District Deliberations: On Current Happenings

Ok, so I’ve been a degenerate and haven’t blogged in a year, so here are my thoughts on the current state of the world.

Elliot Spitzer got ripped off. He way overpaid for that jersey trash. $80,000, really? That girl was worth maybe a six pack of Mike’s at the shore. My favorite is that she was also on Girl’s Gone Wild. Spitzer is such a douche, and to make matters worse, this chick is going to get rich off of the situation. She will go on a book tour, release an album, and do talk shows. Finally though, someone will realize she’s just Jersey trash, and that’ll be the end of her. Fucking Spitzer.

In Politics, the next president will be a liberal…and here’s why. ALL THREE CANDIDATES ARE LIBERAL. So for every democrat that rules out McCain for having the Republican tag, get used to your new president, because it’s going to happen. While Democrats battle over a white man and a black woman (that’s right I said it, Obama’s a sensitive guy) instead of uniting to fight McCain like they should, Johnny Mac sits there and does what he pleases. Many independents and conservative Democrats have marked their support for the Senator after his speech last week. The Conservative Right isn’t going anywhere, which should put McCain at like 60% favored in the polls. So barring an actual sex scandal, (nice going NYTimes) there’s not much else to do but plan the inaugural ball. Now before people chew this out, let me level with you. For those who think he’s the second coming of W, he’s not. For those afraid of his social issues, he’s opposed to the appeal of Roe v. Wade, and supports Stem Cell Research. For those who think his stance on the war is wrong… He’ll be the most likely to successfully get us out of Iraq, and let me remind you that Hilldog voted for the war, and though Obama opposed it, he couldn’t actually vote against it (he wasn’t a senator when the vote took place). Saying you don’t want the war, and having the wherewithal to actually do something about it are two different things. Fuck Illinois’ state senate. Finally, McCain was mentioned heavily as a favorite to be John Kerry’s VP in 2004. That dope is as liberal as they come. So that’s it. PS Al Gore will not be the next president, but that goofy bastard will have a huge say in the democratic nominee. That in itself is an inconvenient truth. (see what I did there?)

Fuck Jeremiah Wright and Louis Farrakhan. That being said, who cares if they support Obama. Look at the idiots that support McCain and Hillary. Anyone who thinks that Obama has been indoctrinated with all this hate is retarded. My take is that it’s a creative way to reevaluate racism in the country. Southern bigots (FoxNews) have been pissed since Jim Crow was repealed and finally feel ashamed for being terrible people. So finally when the black community gets an enthusiastic and positive leader, who has a racist preacher, the ex-bigot group is going to act all offended and play the victim. I call bullshit. Obama has been criticized for this for too long and in the end it doesn’t matter. (also McCain supported Obama’s support of his preacher, furthering the homogeny of all the candidates). However, Hilldog’s claims that she landed amidst sniper fire in Bosnia is hilarious. She will also be the next president, end the war, feed all the children, and not be such a horrible liar. Fuck you Hillary, yet again.

And now, everyone’s favorite hooker.

and look at that come hither look. Doesn't it just say, "pay me for sex?"